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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Keeps walking ahead & leaving me behind

512 replies

Gotthetshirt1 · 07/08/2023 01:21

How would you feel in this scenario? You organise a major family holiday overseas for DH plus 2 teens, highlight of which is a day trip to visit one of the wonders of the world. So a big deal in terms of something really special to enjoy together as a family - a once in a lifetime thing. When we park, DH walks so fast towards the attraction which is about a 5 min walk, that I cant possibly keep up with him as I cant walk at same pace (im a regular speed walker, he insists on getting everywhere ultra fast to the point he will barge his way through people) and have to dodge others using the same path. Our teens are able to keep up with his pace and as theyre increasingly taking cues from his behaviour they zoom ahead at speed at DH's pace, meaning Im tagging along behind. Im about 60 seconds behind them & i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right? I call out for them to wait - my DH turns, sees that im only moments behind them and carries on to the main lookout point and they take in their first view of it without me. I get there a minute later and i feel so upset that i wasnt able to witness their reaction to seeing this incredible landmark which was the highlight of our whole trip. I ask DH why he didnt wait for me and he says 'you were slower than us, youre here now so it doesnt matter', completely oblivious to why id be upset that wed missed this shared family moment. He has often walked way ahead of me - like at airports - which ive always found pretty inconsiderate and rude. He says he just wants to get there and its not his fault if i 'walk slowly' (which i dont, he just zooms everywhere). This has left me feeling really overlooked and disregarded - I had arranged the whole trip (somewhere he wanted to go) and what really hurts is not just that he didnt even consider that this is something we were all doing together - its not 'together' if you leave someone behind - but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour). He had seen the landmark twice before too. He genuinely feels i have no reason at all to be offended or upset by what happened. I feel ive been robbed of a special family moment. I know that walking ahead is often mentioned as a common narcissistic personality trait. He does show some other elements around control etc and im now thinking is this behaviour designed to emphasise his role as the 'in charge' person, who doesnt feel the need to compromise to show consideration for others? And that walking together in a group gives off some kind of air of equality that they cant deal with? AIBU for feeling really upset about this? Its left me in tears

OP posts:
yogasaurus · 07/08/2023 08:13

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 07/08/2023 08:12

I think there's a big difference between being physically unable to walk any quicker and dawdling - only OP knows which category she falls under.

I find dawdlers incredibly frustrating - they remind me a bit of stroppy toddlers or petulant teenagers who don't want to be there, or who are being deliberately slow to try and get attention or prove a point.

Being physically unable to walk quicker is very different and doesn't annoy me in the slightest.

Yes, agreed. If there’s no physical impediment, I don’t see how people can’t just walk a little faster to match the other person sometimes. It shouldn’t always solely have to be at the slower person’s pace. That’s just as selfish IMO

afishcalledbreanda · 07/08/2023 08:15

WellPlaced · 07/08/2023 06:19

So many posters not getting the point of this thread and why the op is upset.

It was missing out on that special family moment that’s upsetting. Not the walking.
Rude posters accusing her of ‘dawdling’.

He could have stopped and waited.

Maybe the OP could benefit from thinking of herself as an individual and and less about forcing 'family moments' on the rest of the family? I'm in my 50s and fortunately grew up before the whole 'making memories' phenomenon (it's a marketing ploy, people, used to sell things to you) emerged. I have happy memories of visiting all sorts of place with my parents. We didn't necessarily all arrive at the look-out spot together: we didn't take photos of ourselves there. I still remember seeing it and being with my parents.

Seeing something isn't all about remembering the first moment. It takes time to absorb what you're looking at. So I'm going to say that the OP's point about being deprived of some magic moment of awe is unreasonable. She's constructed this massive significance around the event that the others in the family are oblivious to. It doesn't matter. Her children will remember it. They will remember being there with their parents. She allowed her annoyance with her husband to ruin it for her and possibly for them. Sometimes you have to stay in the moment and focus on what's important — the wonder before your eyes — and not your self-congratulationary 'I was the one who took them to the Grand Canyon and it's documented in a hundred selfies'. Stay in the moment: experience the wonder without having your head crammed with 'I've got to get good photos of the family so everyone can see us on FB' thoughts.

And yes, I have a partner who walks far faster than I do. I've stopped turning it into a big deal. It's mildly annoying, that's all.

Alialio · 07/08/2023 08:15

That's a bit of a harsh read of the original post, IMO. She's botnztubbornlynwalking at a slower pace- she can't keep up

WellPlaced · 07/08/2023 08:16

NatashaDancing · 07/08/2023 08:08

I don't get this "missing out on a special family monent' issue at all. It's a tourist attraction of some sort. I'm sure it's worth seeing but this is OTT

Show quote history

It’s one of the wonders of the world that the op had organised to take her children to see. Unfair of her DH to steal that initial moment and their reaction from the OP.

@Gotthetshirt1 I would get your DC onboard with your thoughts and disappointment. They should see this isn’t acceptable behaviour from him

NatashaDancing · 07/08/2023 08:17

vdbfamily · 07/08/2023 08:12

I think there are 2 things here and everyone is focussing on the walking. The shared moment is a specific thing that some personality types feel is important and some do not. I have discovered that my own family unit plus extended family on both sides are largely neuro diverse so that may be why I don't get this. I am often puzzled on MN by the rage about 1st birthdays and ' firsts' generally. In laws buying expensive prams and first bicycles and causing rage. Drama about first and second birthday parties that the child will never remember and now this thread.
You were 60 seconds behind. Presumably if this was a wonder if the world, it was not something you look at for one minute and then leave. Did you not spend some time there together. Could you not gauge from the kids what they thought of it. It's it possible that you bring so pissed off had now ruined what should have been a special day for everyone.
Some people are just not emotional/ romantic about such things.
If you had had a discussion with DH before the walk and said how important it was for all 4 of you to reach the actual landmark together, then I agree he should take your needs into consideration if he cares, but I would not assume he would know how important it was as for some it really would not be an issue.

Absolutely. Completely agree re all the fury over firsts being "ruined"

LadyGeorginaSmythe · 07/08/2023 08:17

BlueBlubbaWhale · 07/08/2023 07:58

They probably the ones that don't notice their kid is crossing the road several seconds behind them and oblivious to the danger they put them in.

Show quote history

As I've read through this whole thread, I've been thinking this.
This past week on holiday my 'D'H has strode off, sometimes holding one of the kids hands, I'll be the slower walker with a child, just chatting, and there will generally be 3rd child between us so we're strung out. 'D'H just checks road is clear and starts crossing. Middle child will then follow (autistic and no road sense) but a few paces behind. I'm shouting at child to stop, or checking road so he's ok and me and 3rd child can cross. A few times this week I've asked 'D'H to make sure we're together, to check on behalf of kids, teach them how to cross etc. It's just another item in the catalogue of his "not giving a shit about us", but then I think what would happen if I wasn't there. The thought of him being out with them all scares me.

So OP, yes your husband is modeling bad behaviour to your teens. I do think you should maybe have made the expectation of seeing the WoW together clear at the start, but I totally understand how it makes you feel. The lack of regard, consideration and understanding really strikes a chord. He may not have understood you all need to enjoy the awe of the sight simultaneously, but he shouldn't be striding so far ahead that he wouldn't know if anything happened to you.

One of the kids and I lost 'D'H and the others at a theme park yesterday. We were about 5 paces behind and DS wanted to take a photo. The crowd meant 'D'H didn't hear me call "wait" and that meant in seconds they were out of sight.
It really bothers me that even on a family day we aren't a family at any point.

This whole thread highlights the thoughtlessness of some. If something is important to you, it should be important to your partner, whether those same things would normally be important to them or not.

RecycleMePlease · 07/08/2023 08:18

Yes, agreed. If there’s no physical impediment, I don’t see how people can’t just walk a little faster to match the other person sometimes. It shouldn’t always solely have to be at the slower person’s pace. That’s just as selfish IMO

I do agree, but, there was a pp who walks at 4.5MPH! I'm 5' tall. If I set that on the treadmill I'm running - not just trotting, actually running.

Perhaps then we're not compatible walkers, but the idea that I could just 'go a little faster' isn't really feasible.

It's like someone complaining about the temperature - you can put on a jumper if you're cold, but it's harder to cool down if you're too hot.

NeverMrsAgain · 07/08/2023 08:18

It’s his reaction to your objection that is the problem. He thinks your perspectives and feelings are unimportant and dismissible. He thinks you are unimportant and dismissible.

JusthereforXmas · 07/08/2023 08:18

Oysterbabe · 07/08/2023 08:10

The not letting you finish a drink thing, my ex did this. He used to stand up to go before I was finished, I'd try and rush to finish and he'd roll his eyes and say things like 'you don't have to drink every drop, we aren't students' and just generally make me feel stupid. Looking back, negging was definitely something he did a lot.

My DH doesn't wander off but he rushes me... its irritating.

He will get a pint of beer and I get a coke. He will down his pint then push me to finish mine quicker... Nobody downs a pint of coke at the speed of a pint of beer because beer drinkers drink at an alarmingly fast rate usually.

Its like the Josh Widdicomb stand up

'beer drinkers say they just like it, yeah mate and I like milk but I don't chug 6 pints of it on a Friday night'.

C8H10N4O2 · 07/08/2023 08:20

AvidMerrian · 07/08/2023 07:36

Now, somebody would pull this stunt with me precisely once and I would never speak to them again. Manipulating others like that is a very quick way of breaking friendships.

OP, I have some sympathy and you don’t seem to be well suited. I loathe being around slow walkers and would have to mentally steel myself to slow down and accept that it had been rather spoiled for me. I would tend to check with someone what their preferred pace is: (e.g. in an Art Gallery) and I would expect them to agree to meet up if there was a discrepancy.

I think you have really taken it to heart and attributed meaning to his walking ahead that isn’t there. On the other hand, it is equally OK for you to say “I’m doing this at my pace, and if you have to wait at the end, then I don’t care.” Perhaps experiencing you putting yourself first occasionally wouldn’t do any harm.

Show quote history

Well frankly if I had to pull that stunt with you the split would be mutually welcomed.

The OP has booked and organised a family holiday to a place of DH's choosing. What she actually wants is for them to spend some time together and enjoy it. Tagging along behind on her own is not going to be enjoying it.

I'm fascinated at all these people who find it agonising to walk a bit slower and think shorter or slower people should grow longer legs or "just walk faster" to match the stride length of the person charging ahead. At the same time everyone finds it totally normally and expected that women (and it is mostly women) adjust our pace to suit the child, the family members who can't keep up.

The DH is being an arse - his wife can't keep up, the kids are having to sprint to keep up. The whole family is having to dance around his preferences on what is supposed to be a family holiday.

Rightsraptor · 07/08/2023 08:21

My exH used to walk on the other side of the road from me and our children.

NatashaDancing · 07/08/2023 08:22

vdbfamily · 07/08/2023 08:12

I think there are 2 things here and everyone is focussing on the walking. The shared moment is a specific thing that some personality types feel is important and some do not. I have discovered that my own family unit plus extended family on both sides are largely neuro diverse so that may be why I don't get this. I am often puzzled on MN by the rage about 1st birthdays and ' firsts' generally. In laws buying expensive prams and first bicycles and causing rage. Drama about first and second birthday parties that the child will never remember and now this thread.
You were 60 seconds behind. Presumably if this was a wonder if the world, it was not something you look at for one minute and then leave. Did you not spend some time there together. Could you not gauge from the kids what they thought of it. It's it possible that you bring so pissed off had now ruined what should have been a special day for everyone.
Some people are just not emotional/ romantic about such things.
If you had had a discussion with DH before the walk and said how important it was for all 4 of you to reach the actual landmark together, then I agree he should take your needs into consideration if he cares, but I would not assume he would know how important it was as for some it really would not be an issue.

Creating a "special family monent" about seeing whatever it was seems to be more important than actually seeing it. I'd find behaviour like this cloying and irritating.

Titicacacandle · 07/08/2023 08:24

OP has said she is a fast walker so she isn't a dawdler.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to do something together, whether that's walking, talking, eating etc. Her dh wouldn't be treating a friend like that.

Think it's shitty to start using ND as an excuse to be a selfish shitty person. Oh he's inconsiderate so he must have ADHD! Bollocks! It's ingrained selfish behaviour and OP is feeling the contempt behind the action.

Saltybanana · 07/08/2023 08:25

This is about so much more than walking pace. When we go out as a family, we stick together. We genuinely enjoy getting excited about a place or experience as a family. Youngest of our family group is 8 - speedy if running but obviously quite slow of walking. Even the teens wait for him. To do otherwise is rude and selfish - your husband is an arse.

Soubriquet · 07/08/2023 08:26

I’m disabled and walk very slowly now. I sometimes even have to use a wheelchair.

Dh matches my pace

Naunet · 07/08/2023 08:28

Rightsraptor · 07/08/2023 08:21

My exH used to walk on the other side of the road from me and our children.

Jesus, like he couldn’t stand to be seen with you? It’s so disrespectful.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/08/2023 08:30

What i don't understand is when he says it wouldn't bother him etc, he is just a fast walker etc etc...but he knows it bothers you - if it's not a big deal to him but it's a big deal to you, why wouldn't he just do this little thing to stop upsetting you?

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 07/08/2023 08:31

Narcissistic trait for sure. I’d honestly not rush to catch up but focus on my own needs and do things at my own pace. Sorry he’s an arse.

Humpobottomous · 07/08/2023 08:31

OP I think you definitely need to observe how your DH behaves towards you in other ways more closely but I wouldn’t say this in isolation is grounds for divorce.

For contrast, my abusive exH used to walk ahead but it was more of a constant 2m ahead, with me behind because obviously he was more important and I needed to be in my place. He also did this on “romantic”walks when it was just the two of us.

Galloping off into the distance is very inconsiderate but not quite the same thing unless he does it all the time. That said, there could still be power issues at play here and I have actually ended a friendship over similar (there were also other issues but walking off and leaving me was just the icing on the cake).

So in isolation it’s probably ok but if mixed in with other power hungry behaviours, it’s definitely not.

TitoMojito · 07/08/2023 08:31

Yes, agreed. If there’s no physical impediment, I don’t see how people can’t just walk a little faster to match the other person sometimes. It shouldn’t always solely have to be at the slower person’s pace. That’s just as selfish IMO

Do you not think if OP could've kept up, she would have? Not everyone can move at the same pace. Someone who is 6'4 covers far more ground in one step than someone who is 5'. OP said her children were "virtually running" to keep up with her husband. Why should she have to run after him when he could just slow down?

Summerwhereareyou · 07/08/2023 08:32

My dh is absolutely wondeful in pretty much all ways but he does this!
We never walk and stroll as always family!

LadyGeorginaSmythe · 07/08/2023 08:32

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/08/2023 08:30

What i don't understand is when he says it wouldn't bother him etc, he is just a fast walker etc etc...but he knows it bothers you - if it's not a big deal to him but it's a big deal to you, why wouldn't he just do this little thing to stop upsetting you?

This is literally 100% what it boils down to.

Know what matters to the people you love.

Cassidyscircus · 07/08/2023 08:32

My exp used to do this particularly on holidays. I used to wait a beat then hide 😂 nip into shop doorways, crouch behind a sun lounger etc. It drove him nuts .

I think it shows an enormous lack of chivalry to leave ones wife and small child behind

FadeAwayAndRadiate · 07/08/2023 08:33

Disgusting and disrespectful behaviour @Gotthetshirt1 YANBU.

I would start refusing to go anywhere with him tbh. No way would my DH do anything like this to me. LMFAO of at the posters saying 'this is why I am single!' Not everyone has a man like this!

Naunet · 07/08/2023 08:33

NatashaDancing · 07/08/2023 08:22

Creating a "special family monent" about seeing whatever it was seems to be more important than actually seeing it. I'd find behaviour like this cloying and irritating.

Show quote history

So if you took your elderly mother to somewhere like Niagara Falls, and you’d seen the falls before and she hadn’t, you’d have no thoughts about wanting to share the experience with her, but instead see nothing wrong with storming off ahead of her? And if she told you that she wanted you to stay with her so you could see them together, you’d be annoyed?
I highly doubt it.