Husband and our (f) best friend on holiday

[OfMyDog]

Sanity check please. Just back from 10 days in Santorini where it was me, DH our DS and also my best friend and her DS of same age. She is on a lower income so we offered for her and her son to join us and we paid for everything. She’s married too but she and her husband aren’t close so he stayed home, so just took her and her son.

She’s mainly my best friend and we’re super close and I trust her implicitly, but my husband also counts her as his best friend. They used to work together years ago. At home they go out alone together all the time, play sport together, meet for coffee and if one is WFH, they meet up at our house or hers for lunch without me. Our sons are in same class at school and it’s all one merged family. Her husband doesn’t seem to care what she does.

In the first week of the holiday they were spending loads of time together and I felt a bit like a spare part sometimes, he chats to her more than me, they joke together, they went to watch the sunset together on the beach alone etc. If we go somewhere, he sits in the middle of us with one of us either side but then he talks to her and ignores me, and if I bring this up he just makes out that it’s his right and that I’m boring him by even mentioning it.

I love her to bits and believe she is fully on my side, but I hate seeing him laughing and joking with her. I trust her and I’ve no physical evidence to doubt that he is doing anything, though he’s alwsys on his phone late at night :/ My family says that I’m being too trusting and that it’s not right. When I’ve tried speaking to him about it and how I feel, he shuts it down and says I’m being ridiculous and turns it into an argument about how it’s my fault and I’m being silly.

One thing that really stood out was a night on holiday where both our DS had fallen asleep in ‘our’ hotel room, so I stayed with them, and DH who’d been texting her all eve went to her hotel room and was gone for ages. When I went over and knocked, they were just sat on sofa and she was in her PJs, I have no reason to think anything happened then or any other time, but maybe I’m also being naiive!?!?

I don’t know what I’m asking other than AINBU to think that they’re just friends and it’s fine? I trust her, and I’ve never seen any evidence of him cheating. It’s just a bit uncomfortable with it sometimes and any of my other friends who hear about it think im a mug. I also hate how he just shuts me down and says I’m being too clingy for even mentioning it. Now we’re back in the UK they’re literally finding every opportunity to go for walks together and again I feel like the spare part, argh!

Please tell me I’m not being ridiculous!

xx

She's not your friend but a cuckoo - exactly this scenario happened to my mum with her childhood bf and it literally ruined her entire life although she stayed with my dad! - you need to remove her out of your marriage. I pray it's not too late for you. Tell her why and him if she doesn't take then hint
good luck x

Thatbloodyhedge What a despicable thing to say!
Why would you want to kick someone when they're down?

OverTheHedge ... wow what a despicable person to say such a thing - no feelings or compassion - youre the disgrace not the OP

I would completely step back from the friendship in a non confrontational way ‘can’t meet today maybe next week’ and keep along those lines. Once you have some distance it will be easier to figure out next steps. She’s not your friend and she is fully aware, watching sunsets with another woman’s husband alone 🙄c’mon.

I’m so sorry x

I’m definitely not attracted to her, not at all. She’s attractive, we’re different but I wouldn’t say she’s any more attractive than me. There’s definitely an element of the grass is greener for dickhead husband tho, evidently.

She and I have been really good friends and we still are, days out together, gym together, it’s all lovely. If it wasn’t for the issue of my husband, there’s nothing wrong with the relationship with her. That’s been hard to explain in this - there is no aspect of things that she’s done which have been actually inappropriate other than not seeing the boundaries that should be in place. It’s been spoken about a lot. My massive issue is with my husband who has talks to both us like his two wives. We have a 3-way whatsapp chat which I asked for so that we talk openly but I know he also messages her off that. Ironically the 3 way thing winds me up more because it drives me nuts when he talks to the two of us on there like bloody equals!

In answer to another question about money - we’re fairly equal. He’s self employed and the holiday came from a windfall from a good year of his. Neither of us is particularly dependent on the other.

You've confirmed that your both his wives.....

OP I’m sorry, the more you say, the worse it seems to get ☹️

You have a 3 way WhatsApp.
However, they message each other off that?
That's not good.

Agree with so much of what's been said here. She is not your friend, you've told her how this makes you feel and she doesn't take you seriously. But he (however marginally) is worse than her. He took vows and you should be number one in his life. To do this, then dismiss your concerns about it, is beyond out of order.
Even if this was a friendship with another male best friend, to 3rd wheel you in your own marriage, on your family holiday and prioritise another person over you, would still be bang out of order.
He is treating you like shit and needs a huge wake up call.
To the pp that mentioned loosing a husband and a best friend, they are not worth keeping if they don't stop this immediately.

I have two friends our oldest and you gets children were all in the same class we met when pregnant, although there was a group of friends these two were incredibly close, holidays together, always at each other’s houses referred to each other as sisters 🤢 anyhow long story short one was absolutely blind sided when it turned out the other had an affair with her husband… fast forward and she has taken her life, she has the house, she’s turned the kids against her, it’s so so bizarre

Op you are literally in an open marriage. Please see this for what it is. She isn’t your friend

Affairs are not just just physical. They are emotional as well.
He is having an emotional affair, she is having an emotional affair.

Is there a reason her husband isn’t “present”? Maybe he knows and has checked out the marriage.

This woman is not your friend, if she was there would be clear boundaries in place. You never ever get between your best friend and her husband.

The more I read the more shocking it gets. They are definitely in a intimate physical and emotional relationship. Best to get evidence and get out before the hurt and betrayel gets unbareble

Show her this post if your such good friends and watch her reaction/future actions that will tell you how "good" a friend she really is !!

How can she be a friend if you’ve discussed your concerns with her and she does nothing about it? If one of my lovely friends came to me and said she had reservations about the way her dh was behaving around me, I’d be so mortified and put distance there straightaway. She hasn’t-which suggests she’s getting off on this and pretending to be nicey with you while happy to see you suffer. Not friendliness behaviour.

OP I know it’s hard to accept but SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND and she has done so much that’s wrong.
I know you don’t seem to want to see it but please you need to wake up to this manipulation.

No true friend would behave in this way. Yes blame your husband for everything but she is facilitating his behaviour and she’s absolutely not an innocent party here.

OP, let me put it this way. Any same female would know that going to watch a sunset with someone else's husband is inappropriate. Or spending time with him on your own in your pjs. Or cutting his wife out of conversation. Any good friend would avoid these situations like a plague in fear of being misunderstood. She, on the other hand, escalates it by doing whatever she wants. She knows its not on. She knows your husband is a twat and tams up with him, no doubt discussing you behind your back. Ans then goes to gym with you... But she just doesn't give a crap about you and your family. She treats you like a child, or more fittingly, like a simpleton. And you are lapping it up. Its all "nice" and "wonderful"... If you are not a troll then your reactions to all this are very, very strange.

sorry, got all flustered and created a typo mess...

You say it’s been spoken about a lot - so she is fully aware how you feel but isn’t changing her behaviour. I cannot understand why you can’t see that she is in the wrong here OP. DH is clearly in the wrong and you see that - not sure why you can’t see it with the friend. She’s ignoring your feelings - either because she thinks you are overreacting or because she wants him. Either way she isn’t respecting you.

Op do you still want to be with your husband. I think you should seriously just think about leaving. Easier for me to say but in the long run better for your sanity and your happiness

Do you go and watch the setting sun with your brother? Because I don't.

Honestly you should write a screenplay. It's ducking creepy! Can't wait for the Ta Da moment where the fact that your friend is a complete nutter actually dawns on you!

Ah-so you are in a thruple and seemingly in acceptance of that. A three way WhatsApp? Seriously, that’s fucking mental. You allow your DH to treat you both equally and speak to you as if you are both his wives-but you get the shit end of the deal as you get to do the wife work-without any of the bonuses of having the good parts of a relationship-chats/meals/coffees and sunsets.