Husband and our (f) best friend on holiday

[OfMyDog]

Sanity check please. Just back from 10 days in Santorini where it was me, DH our DS and also my best friend and her DS of same age. She is on a lower income so we offered for her and her son to join us and we paid for everything. She’s married too but she and her husband aren’t close so he stayed home, so just took her and her son.

She’s mainly my best friend and we’re super close and I trust her implicitly, but my husband also counts her as his best friend. They used to work together years ago. At home they go out alone together all the time, play sport together, meet for coffee and if one is WFH, they meet up at our house or hers for lunch without me. Our sons are in same class at school and it’s all one merged family. Her husband doesn’t seem to care what she does.

In the first week of the holiday they were spending loads of time together and I felt a bit like a spare part sometimes, he chats to her more than me, they joke together, they went to watch the sunset together on the beach alone etc. If we go somewhere, he sits in the middle of us with one of us either side but then he talks to her and ignores me, and if I bring this up he just makes out that it’s his right and that I’m boring him by even mentioning it.

I love her to bits and believe she is fully on my side, but I hate seeing him laughing and joking with her. I trust her and I’ve no physical evidence to doubt that he is doing anything, though he’s alwsys on his phone late at night :/ My family says that I’m being too trusting and that it’s not right. When I’ve tried speaking to him about it and how I feel, he shuts it down and says I’m being ridiculous and turns it into an argument about how it’s my fault and I’m being silly.

One thing that really stood out was a night on holiday where both our DS had fallen asleep in ‘our’ hotel room, so I stayed with them, and DH who’d been texting her all eve went to her hotel room and was gone for ages. When I went over and knocked, they were just sat on sofa and she was in her PJs, I have no reason to think anything happened then or any other time, but maybe I’m also being naiive!?!?

I don’t know what I’m asking other than AINBU to think that they’re just friends and it’s fine? I trust her, and I’ve never seen any evidence of him cheating. It’s just a bit uncomfortable with it sometimes and any of my other friends who hear about it think im a mug. I also hate how he just shuts me down and says I’m being too clingy for even mentioning it. Now we’re back in the UK they’re literally finding every opportunity to go for walks together and again I feel like the spare part, argh!

Please tell me I’m not being ridiculous!

xx

Because she has been desensitised to the behaviour for a long time by two people she loves dearly and she and has already taken the big step of admitting to herself and posting about it. Yet Mumsnetters sit behind their screens, having read it all in one go, with no emotional connection to the friend or the husband, and claim exactly what they would do - not only what they would do, but instantly do. OK, then.

💯 spot on. Sorry too.

You sound incredibly nice and level-headed, op. I don’t really think either of them deserve you.

I would advise that, when you are ready, if you simply let them both know that the nature of their friendship has developed into something that is hurting you, that how they individually respond will tell you everything you need to know.

If either of either of them react as though you are being unreasonable / selfish / paranoid then cut that person from
your life and move forward from them.

So easy to say on a forum like this, I know. Life-changing for you - but surely for the better, whichever way it goes.

Wishing you love in your future.

I’m really puzzled as to why and how you know so little about her marriage and why her DH is so checked out? Not only inviting but paying for someone to join you on holiday suggests a level of closeness that would surely make you at least marginally aware of the issues in that marriage, but you seem curiously uncurious about that side of things in spite of claiming that she’s so much closer to you than any of your other friends. I don’t mean that to come across as if I’m interrogating you OP but your updates make it sound like you are massively in denial about what’s going on, and I suspect that her DH may well have some thoughts of his own that will not be what you want to hear. I’m so sorry, wishing you lots of strength, it’s a truly horrible situation to be in.

Are you able to look at his phone? there maybe some WhatsApp messages between them that might give you a better idea of what is going on between then.

Maybe there is nothing physical going on between them (although I’m sorry to say I doubt it) but it’s only a matter of time before there is the way they are behaving.

Good luck and don’t take any crap.

@Didimum

I agree, these things can happen where trust exists, happened with victoria Beckham, Shania Twain, Jorden, close friends that took advantage.

The op can not really do anything, she has no proof, just a gut feeling that something has shifted, the husband and the friends 'friendship' has clearly been strenthening.

My exhusbands affair partner wasn't a friend of mine really, they met at school pickup time, when I started working full time, and my husband was a teacher so could do most pick ups. I knew her and was friendly but never saw her socially until she became his friend. I realised over time that decisions were being made over the children's hobbies, about which, I had not been consulted, and that's when I realised I was being sidelined. It was insidious and I was too late.

I am really feeling for you OP. I agree with all previous posters but I understand these comments will be very hard to hear. These are people you love and who you thought loved you too. There are also children involved which makes it all the more heart wrenching. I don’t think you can do nothing here though - the longer you leave it the worse the outcome will be and the more your self esteem will be eroded. You need to take some power back and be proactive here. You clearly love your friend but I think you need to ask yourself if you would ever do to her what she is doing to you. You know the answer to that I think. It’s hard to admit a very loved friend would willingly hurt you this way but she is clearly putting herself first here and you are a very distant last. That’s the case even if they aren’t doing anything physical.
I suspect this whole thing feels like a horrible gaping festering wound you can’t bear to think about or look at. It’s not going to away though. You’re going to need to attend to it.

Apologies if already asked- I've only read OP's replies but what makes you so sure you trust her? I know you can't prove a negative and you haven't seen anything directly untoward but I'm interested why you trust her implicitly when she's been equally involved in many things- walk, him going round, texting.

Maybe he has a crush and was initiating all of these things and she was just not refusing, I dunno. But she seems an equal participant in excluding you for instance why did they need to be texting each other so much? And did you see any of those messages?

I don't like the sound of any of it if I'm honest. Sounds like an emotional affair if not a physical one. If you confront him, he will be slippery again so have a really clear idea of what and when he did things that looked suspicious and how it has accumulated.

If you left him they would be together. Sorry.
Then they would lie and say nothing happened until you broke up.

You probably know this but don't want to admit it. Not being harsh, it's disgusting behaviour from them both.

It wasnt the sex aspect of it that was the worst, it was just as OP says, the conversations I was cut out of, and time spent on someone else rather than me. It took me 4 years to break free, I was told I was clingy, menopausal, paranoid, and if the accusations continued, I would have to leave and he would be keeping the children as my mental heath was obviously not up to caring for them.

I think that's the key, op probably knows things about her friend, maybe she has relationships outside of the marriage and therefor thinks her h is off bounds.
Secrets and lies can bond people.
Who knows we can only speculate to why there seems to be complete trust with this triangle.

What do you plan to do, @OfMyDog ?

If friend is in love with op’s DH she may have mixed feelings about the morality of it because in her mind it might be the case that she thinks love trumps everything. Same with DH. I am guessing that the holiday was a turning point for both and that there is no turning back. OP is going to receive a big shock soon when they both show their hand.

This happened to me my friend who also happened to live next door.

I honestly thought my ex felt sorry for her she is very downtrodden, plain and boring.

She split with her ex and started suddenly liking the same music as us, tagging along to meals out, coming in for drinks.

It took me so long to see it as I really didn’t think he would be interested or ever do that to me or the kids. Also thought she was such a good friend.

It all came out what they had been up to, I felt like such a fool! She moved, they now live together and our oldest son disowned him.

Sorry but you are being massively gaslit. Wake up and smell the coffee.

I’m going to be the minority here! I get on really well with my partners best friend. We have very similar personalities and find each other hilarious. We laugh more than I do with my partner tbh. But I’m not attracted to him in the slightest. We see each other as brother and sister. He’s married and again we prob bounce off each other more than him and his wife do. But there isnt, and never will be anything like that with us. It is possible!

I think she’s overstepped a boundary. She needs to pull back out of
respect for you

he probably loves the attention

I don’t know what id do in your situation but probably wouldn’t be able to continue the threesome

I really hope that it’s just him and not her.

It already is her. Both of them chose to sit in her room while you watched the kids. Both of them chose to watch the sunset together. Both of them are doing this!!

There's no doubt it is possible. But would you go watch a sunset alone with him? Would you leave your partner watching the kids and go spend the night in his hotel room? Would you continue spending that much 1 on 1 time with him if your partner said he was uncomfortable with it? Would you tell your partner he was wrong for feeling like that?

Butdo you watch a sunset with him alone or sit on sofa chatting in your pyjamas while your DH looks after the kids - while on a holiday you have paid for.

I don’t think any of it’s wrong other than that you feel like the spare one here

I think you need to immediately pull back on your friendship with this woman.

You need counselling for yourself to talk and think everything through and then decide where to go from here.

I cant believe this story, its surreal - especially the calmness of the OP regarding complete shit show she is witnessing every day, and her desire to defend the manipulative and two faced bitch of a woman who is having an affair with her husband. I mean, I was a mug in my first marriage but come on, this level of closeness and non-stop contact between your partner and some random female?... Like, where is your self esteem in all this? You need some serious therapy, or this will be the theme of your life forever.

Judging by how your husband speaks to you and by you lack of assertiveness, I can imagine your marriage being quite unpleasant even before all this came about. Also, sorry, but you sound almost in love with this woman yourself. My first advice was going to reduce the contact with her as much as possible, and potentially find a reason to stop it altogether - especially the babysitting, but it sounds like you would like to keep her even if you dump your husband. Big, big mistake! She is NOT your friend, believe me. She will back stab you at first opportunity, don't trust her!

Sadly, I think you have not reached the boiling point yet. You sound mildly annoyed but you are still in denial about the situation - you are not hurt or angry (as pretty much any woman in this situation would be) because you don't realise the level of depravity these two are capable of. Even though I normally would be against snooping, I would say - do what a few people on here suggested, leave a camera or a recording device in the house when they are there. Break into his phone, his emails. I think once you can see what is going on you will be less comatose about this whole thing. Also, I think this would end your illusions about your "friend" once and for all.

Good luck. Please believe me and everyone on this thread - its a complete Black Mirror shit show and you need to be out of it.

OP.. do you like your friend more than a friend too?

aha, I'm not the only one thinking that!