Husband and our (f) best friend on holiday

[OfMyDog]

Sanity check please. Just back from 10 days in Santorini where it was me, DH our DS and also my best friend and her DS of same age. She is on a lower income so we offered for her and her son to join us and we paid for everything. She’s married too but she and her husband aren’t close so he stayed home, so just took her and her son.

She’s mainly my best friend and we’re super close and I trust her implicitly, but my husband also counts her as his best friend. They used to work together years ago. At home they go out alone together all the time, play sport together, meet for coffee and if one is WFH, they meet up at our house or hers for lunch without me. Our sons are in same class at school and it’s all one merged family. Her husband doesn’t seem to care what she does.

In the first week of the holiday they were spending loads of time together and I felt a bit like a spare part sometimes, he chats to her more than me, they joke together, they went to watch the sunset together on the beach alone etc. If we go somewhere, he sits in the middle of us with one of us either side but then he talks to her and ignores me, and if I bring this up he just makes out that it’s his right and that I’m boring him by even mentioning it.

I love her to bits and believe she is fully on my side, but I hate seeing him laughing and joking with her. I trust her and I’ve no physical evidence to doubt that he is doing anything, though he’s alwsys on his phone late at night :/ My family says that I’m being too trusting and that it’s not right. When I’ve tried speaking to him about it and how I feel, he shuts it down and says I’m being ridiculous and turns it into an argument about how it’s my fault and I’m being silly.

One thing that really stood out was a night on holiday where both our DS had fallen asleep in ‘our’ hotel room, so I stayed with them, and DH who’d been texting her all eve went to her hotel room and was gone for ages. When I went over and knocked, they were just sat on sofa and she was in her PJs, I have no reason to think anything happened then or any other time, but maybe I’m also being naiive!?!?

I don’t know what I’m asking other than AINBU to think that they’re just friends and it’s fine? I trust her, and I’ve never seen any evidence of him cheating. It’s just a bit uncomfortable with it sometimes and any of my other friends who hear about it think im a mug. I also hate how he just shuts me down and says I’m being too clingy for even mentioning it. Now we’re back in the UK they’re literally finding every opportunity to go for walks together and again I feel like the spare part, argh!

Please tell me I’m not being ridiculous!

xx

Maybe nothing is going on but their level of friendship is starting to make you feel excluded and that's not ok.

He must be full of himself having two women stroking his ego in this triangle. I wonder secretly whether her husband is not too keen on your husband.

Yep, nailed it 👌

Something similar happened to me OP. I hacked into Exh’s emails and uncovered what was obvious to everyone else.

check his phone and emails. You’ll find out what’s really going on.

Fuck that.

He's a gaslighting twat and she is definitely not your friend.

Sorry OP.

They're both probably sat laughing behind your back, you watched both dc while he went to her hotel room?

I'd be taking a wide birth from her from now on.

First of all, she really isn't your friend. You had to pay for her to come on holiday and go off with your husband!

I think they would be a bit more secretive if they were having an affair, but they are certainly 99% on their way to one now.

Thanks all. The comments match what my family and colleagues say.

Who‘s idea to take her - it came out of a conversation, it was joint, maybe more his but it seemed a great idea. The good bits of the holiday were fab and our boys get on etc.

Have I spoken to her about how I feel - yes. She is always respectful to me but I don’t think she gets how much he hurts me. It’s more his behaviour. He’s the prick. I still believe that there isn’t anything physical between them, but i take all the points on the emotional side and agree.

I honestly don't think I've ever read anything quite as naive. They e never given you any evidence to believe they are up to know good? Practically everything you just posted is evidence. Seriously, wake up. They are both treating you like a fool and why wouldn't they when you are so obedient? Your 'best friend' clearly hasn't got a scrap of respect for you and neither has your old man.

How is she your best friend exactly?

I don’t even know where to start with this.

I have a close couple of friends who are male.

What is happening here is completely boundary breaking.

Your DH is gaslighting you, this is not friendly, this is affair level behaviour.

This is awful OP, you are being treated terribly here by both sides. It’s not normal at all and you do not have to put up with this. Have you confronted your ‘friend’? Do not let your husband push your very reasonable feelings to the side.

Does she have any other male friends that she does this with? It's no wonder that she's not getting along with her husband when she's acting like she's your husband's second wife.
They may not be shagging but there's some emotional connecting going on here. I bet he knows stuff about her and her life that you as your best friend doesn't.
She's not acting like a friend to you and your marriage. Your h is at best a massive ego boost because her marriage sucks. She can justify it as not an affair because her h and you know about her relationship (ie it's not secret) and while they may not have done anything physical, he is being inappropriate by treating her like the wife rather than you.

Congratulations OP, you've got a sister wife.

There is no way that they aren't having an emotional affair in the very least. There's something a bit trojan horse about how they worked together but she winds up your best friend? Hmm. Feels like a way to have her around and keep you unsuspecting.

Sorry OP but I agree with everyone else

They are having an affair in plain sight

This happened to my mum, felt sorry for her divorced friend, took her on holiday, friends for over a decade, nothing going on, then found they were arranging to meet without her in far from innocent circumstances.

I have male friends, my husband had female friends, but neither of us would find this remotely acceptable; it's all about who is the priority, where the emotional energy is invested. I don't know what you do if he denies it all the time, because he doesn't want to lose the lovely set-up he has now, but I'm surprised she agreed to come on the holiday if she is aware you feel left out/concerned.

It's on her to back off, and you to find the bottom line with regard to his behaviour, it's laughable to think he would find this ok with a male friend of yours.

Fuck that. LTB. He won't be single for long anyway.

It's definitely not right. It's werid. Think I'd be inclined to pay a private detective to follow them around, so I knew the truth either way.

I would go absolutely fucking mental at this.

At best, the boundaries are very blurred. The fact he just shuts you down is what gives me most cause for concern.

You are being way too nice and trusting. Wtf what more do they need to do op before you open your eyes?!

This woman is not your best friend by any stretch of the imagination.

Yeah, she is not your mate.

They are both disrespecting you. They are supposed to be your bf and dh, you are supposed to be the common link but you are left out. If this was dh friend and not yours would you accept this?
Are they sleeping together? Probably but maybe not. Does it matter? It wouldn’t to me. What they are doing is way more than enough to bin them both. You have spoke to your dh who couldn’t care less about your feelings. Have you spoke to your friend?

Your friend thought it was ok to go and watch the sunset with YOUR husband whilst you stayed and watched her kid, on a holiday you paid for? She's just as bad as he is! Please stop making excuses for her! They are both taking you for a complete mug! Even if there's nothing physical there (doubtful) it sounds very much like they are having an emotional affair, in plain sight and gaslighting you in the process.

Maybe they aren't fucking but she is loving being able to keep your husband on a lead like a little puppy and he is more than happy to do as she wants.

You're being played for a fool.

Her husband is wise to her shenanigans and keeps out of it.

Your husband is nasty. Your friend is nasty.

Get rid of them both.

I think if you look at it as if she was male and he you had a male friend who he spent all his time speaking to and ignoring you for, then would you still be annoyed? I know I would, so regardless of any romantic feelings, your DH is putting someone above you and that’s not what should happen in a marriage.

Why are you allowing yourself to be made a total mug of? There's a book called Not Just Friends posters frequently recommend to OPs but in your case, just save the money and get the inevitable divorce started.