Husband and our (f) best friend on holiday

[OfMyDog]

Sanity check please. Just back from 10 days in Santorini where it was me, DH our DS and also my best friend and her DS of same age. She is on a lower income so we offered for her and her son to join us and we paid for everything. She’s married too but she and her husband aren’t close so he stayed home, so just took her and her son.

She’s mainly my best friend and we’re super close and I trust her implicitly, but my husband also counts her as his best friend. They used to work together years ago. At home they go out alone together all the time, play sport together, meet for coffee and if one is WFH, they meet up at our house or hers for lunch without me. Our sons are in same class at school and it’s all one merged family. Her husband doesn’t seem to care what she does.

In the first week of the holiday they were spending loads of time together and I felt a bit like a spare part sometimes, he chats to her more than me, they joke together, they went to watch the sunset together on the beach alone etc. If we go somewhere, he sits in the middle of us with one of us either side but then he talks to her and ignores me, and if I bring this up he just makes out that it’s his right and that I’m boring him by even mentioning it.

I love her to bits and believe she is fully on my side, but I hate seeing him laughing and joking with her. I trust her and I’ve no physical evidence to doubt that he is doing anything, though he’s alwsys on his phone late at night :/ My family says that I’m being too trusting and that it’s not right. When I’ve tried speaking to him about it and how I feel, he shuts it down and says I’m being ridiculous and turns it into an argument about how it’s my fault and I’m being silly.

One thing that really stood out was a night on holiday where both our DS had fallen asleep in ‘our’ hotel room, so I stayed with them, and DH who’d been texting her all eve went to her hotel room and was gone for ages. When I went over and knocked, they were just sat on sofa and she was in her PJs, I have no reason to think anything happened then or any other time, but maybe I’m also being naiive!?!?

I don’t know what I’m asking other than AINBU to think that they’re just friends and it’s fine? I trust her, and I’ve never seen any evidence of him cheating. It’s just a bit uncomfortable with it sometimes and any of my other friends who hear about it think im a mug. I also hate how he just shuts me down and says I’m being too clingy for even mentioning it. Now we’re back in the UK they’re literally finding every opportunity to go for walks together and again I feel like the spare part, argh!

Please tell me I’m not being ridiculous!

xx

Sorry, haven’t RTFT, but are you just the childcare? When they stroll off to watch the sunset - or whatever - why doesn’t your friend ever say, “Dog, why don’t you go? I’ll do the boys’ bedtime tonight.”
It’s a bit too weird.

Oh dear. I think you are probably the naivest person I've heard about in a long time. He's clever though I will give him that!

When are you going to find your anger, OP?

Is it that you no longer care for him and you're hoping she takes him off your hands?

Is Santorini not an island??

I’m sorry that you are being treated this way. You sound like you deserve so much better from both of them. I hope that the responses to your post give you the strength you need to bring this behaviour to an end in one way or another.

I understand you feel your friends behaviour is completely above board and I'm not suggesting she's after your husband at all. But she knows this is an issue for you and really any decent person knows this isn't ok and she should be shutting down the behaviour from him, stepping back, I would be vary wary of spending time with man like this, especially if he was married to my friend. I expect she gets something out of it, a confidence boost, just enjoys it, she's getting something from this and she's getting this at your expense. If you truly believe she is playing no other role in this you need to talk to her and ask her to step back a bit and hold better boundaries with your DH. You'll know by her actions if she cares more for you or for whatever she's getting from the intimate relationship she has with your DH. She's not clueless, she should know better, and she certainly should do better when she knows this is hurting you.

OfMyDog - a former work colleague/friend who used me as an excuse (saying she was out with me but wasn't) to have sex and go out with someone else at our work place did exactly what your friend/Husband have done.

Incorporated her family and life with the work sex mate's family and even today, on her FB page, there's photos of each other's adult children at each other's life events/parties etc.

I haven't seen her for years, and I don't know how this couple managed to combine the families in a social way, but she and he did. His truck was regularly seen parked up at a local park with her distinctive car. It was obvious to everyone else except her Husband and his wife..

There is no aspect of things that she’s done which have actually been inappropriate other than not seeing the boundaries that should be in place. It’s been spoken about a lot.

That’s what I’m wondering. Have you spoken with her about her lack of boundaries which marginalizes you, or have you only expressed to her your hurt regarding H’s behavior.

Even if you haven’t confronted her actions, she is well aware that she is complicit in riding roughshod over you. She’s not clueless. She is a savvy, active participant. She sees that when all 3 of you are together, H is adoring her and ignoring you. She knows that they are constantly reaching out to one another and have an intense level of 1:1 contact, much to your detriment. She knows that she experienced all of the romantic holiday moments that should have been yours. It’s what she wanted. In my view, after a year they are physically involved.

This set-up sounds like polyamory by stealth and she is determined to be in the primary wife position. You initially encouraged their friendship, but did not foresee the evolvement of their infidelity or your subjugation. She keeps you close to butter you up and make sure you are staying in the position they have chosen for you. Bully H has spent the past year creating distance between you to make room for her and to justify his transgressions.

This is a terribly dysfunctional relationship model that your son is observing and absorbing.

@OfMyDog, I empathize with your fear of looking closely at their nefarious agenda, even though it’s on a neon sign. The disloyalty of loved ones is frightening to acknowledge, but you must steel yourself, face the truth, and work toward a position of strength. Use your agency and step out of this triangle that diminishes you. At some point the decision will be made for you when they announce that ‘our love just happened.’

Wishing you all the best, op. You’ve got some decesions and conversations ahead.

@OfMyDog one way to seek the truth of this is through your friend, not your husband.

Casually speak to your friend 'in confidence' and tell her that you want to start having date nights with DH and focus on bringing some romance back into your marriage and that you are really looking forward to spending some time with him. Tell her that you feel like you've neglected him and that you are going to focus on this, so you both won't see her for a while (be really apologetic about this, you will miss her etc.). Ask her not to say anything to him, as you know what good friends they are, etc.

Don't say a word to DH and don't ask him to change any contact with her but you will know from his behaviour towards you if she has told him. Just see how he handles that information...

Take your time though, @OfMyDog - you owe none of us any explanation and you are being horribly trolled by some on here. 💐

It’s not easy to throw everything away, but you don’t have to do that. You just need to start by saying ‘this isn’t working for me’. You don’t have to accuse them of an affair, just say how you feel. Start the conversation. I don’t think you’re at that point yet. Your self esteem, confidence, self worth is all on the floor, yet you continue to be passive. You will find the strength, and I wish you well. If you can’t do it for you, do it for your son. This is an unhealthy situation even for him. This is not normal family life. You sound so lovely, you deserve so much more.. ❤️

I’m a tad confused. Santorini has beaches and it has a sunset🤷🏻‍♀️.
However, I have wondered if this is yet another troll thread. There have been so many of them recently. I’m still recovering from the one about the 40th birthday surprise and secret holiday destinations in Asian bunkers with pearl necklaces.

So either op is a mug or the whole thing is made up.

I know which I think.

Or maybe she has tweaked the facts for privacy. You could watch a sunset whichever way beach was facing, it just might not be over the water.

You are being ridiculous by sitting back and letting them do this. Maybe find a male friend you can invite home,btake him to your bedroom for an hour and come down in PJs, pay for him to come on holiday with you, spend every day meeting him for coffee and lunch, ring him up for long conversations.

See how long your husband puts up with this….

Insightful post, fantastically laid out @MsDogLady . Listen to this poster’s advice @OfMyDog

Entirely agree with everything @MsDogLady says.

@OfMyDog I know you do not want to face this yet and that you’re processing but you do need to acknowledge that you can’t go on like this and keep yourself safe emotionally, physically and sexually. The dynamic being modelled for the children is also unhealthy you do need to consider that. They both know exactly what they’re doing, don’t play it down, they’re fully grow adults.

It’s time to reach out to friends and relatives who truly have your back because I think you have a tough time coming.

This is awful. You sound so generous and understanding but I think it’s gone too far. Boundaries are being crossed. I wouldn’t do that to a friend. She’s not your friend.

Taking her out of the mix altogether, he sounds rude, dismissive and unappreciative of you. He doesn’t celebrate you. You’re not feeling good around him.

I have a male friend who I absolutely bloody adore and we’d happily and innocently skip off to watch sunsets and all of the other lovely things life offers but I don’t because I love my husband more than the world and wouldn’t want him to feel uncomfortable. We all go together or I take along other friends. It also means the messages to my male friend are clear, i.e. my husband is my priority.

Listen to your gut and your friends/family.x

I agree she is not your friend, she would have said you two go I’ve got this, if on holiday with a friend and their husband you would try and help so they had a break together, no friend would take your husband she is as awful as he is

If you have spoken to her several times about boundaries, why isn’t she backing off like a true friend would? She should be absolutely mortified.

Are you actually clearly spelling it out to her OP ?

As in…. Your friendship with my husband is now too involved and is upsetting me, eroding my trust. I want you to back off from spending time with him so that I can see the true nature of my marriage and deal with it accordingly. Your presence is an interference. I am asking you again to step right back. You shouldn’t be spending alone time with him from now on. The holiday has opened my eyes as to how wrong this situation is. It is clear that you are now both too emotionally close for my comfort and I no longer accept this situation. You and I are very close too so why have you not seen this from my point of view. I’m sad to have to spell this out again. Please know that I no longer condone your close relationship with my husband and I no longer condone your involvement in my marriage.

If you don’t spell it out, they will blame you for enabling it…for being so unbothered that you seemed to welcome it….for not even attempting to save your marriage.

The fact that can’t be denied here, is that each of them enjoys spending time together without you, much more than each of them enjoys spending time with you. Even if you have low self esteem or even if you are overly generous, or even if you love them both so much, or even if you need time to digest it all, this should be completely unacceptable to you. And in spite of your boundary talks, she isn’t backing off from him. Why is that? Shame on her.

So the question is, who is going to give way in this threesome. Will you fight for your marriage and force her to give way so that you can see if your marriage is salvageable ? Or will you idly stand by and watch them developing their relationship even further, edging you out bit by bit until you wake up one day and realise its you that is single…handing him over to her on a plate.

Maybe you will feel she’s welcome to him.

“His right” to sit between you? What an arse.

Yes however the beaches are on the East coast and the sun sets in the West.

There are lovely sunrises to be seen from the beaches on Santorini but for sunsets, people travel to the cliff side villages on the West coast.

You say you have spoken to her but she clearly has not taken it on board as she is still meeting with him for walks and quality time. She is certainly crossing a line, and not considering you or your feelings.

I’m sorry but there is no respect coming from either of them. There are no words for your husband’s awful behaviour.