Husband and our (f) best friend on holiday

[OfMyDog]

Sanity check please. Just back from 10 days in Santorini where it was me, DH our DS and also my best friend and her DS of same age. She is on a lower income so we offered for her and her son to join us and we paid for everything. She’s married too but she and her husband aren’t close so he stayed home, so just took her and her son.

She’s mainly my best friend and we’re super close and I trust her implicitly, but my husband also counts her as his best friend. They used to work together years ago. At home they go out alone together all the time, play sport together, meet for coffee and if one is WFH, they meet up at our house or hers for lunch without me. Our sons are in same class at school and it’s all one merged family. Her husband doesn’t seem to care what she does.

In the first week of the holiday they were spending loads of time together and I felt a bit like a spare part sometimes, he chats to her more than me, they joke together, they went to watch the sunset together on the beach alone etc. If we go somewhere, he sits in the middle of us with one of us either side but then he talks to her and ignores me, and if I bring this up he just makes out that it’s his right and that I’m boring him by even mentioning it.

I love her to bits and believe she is fully on my side, but I hate seeing him laughing and joking with her. I trust her and I’ve no physical evidence to doubt that he is doing anything, though he’s alwsys on his phone late at night :/ My family says that I’m being too trusting and that it’s not right. When I’ve tried speaking to him about it and how I feel, he shuts it down and says I’m being ridiculous and turns it into an argument about how it’s my fault and I’m being silly.

One thing that really stood out was a night on holiday where both our DS had fallen asleep in ‘our’ hotel room, so I stayed with them, and DH who’d been texting her all eve went to her hotel room and was gone for ages. When I went over and knocked, they were just sat on sofa and she was in her PJs, I have no reason to think anything happened then or any other time, but maybe I’m also being naiive!?!?

I don’t know what I’m asking other than AINBU to think that they’re just friends and it’s fine? I trust her, and I’ve never seen any evidence of him cheating. It’s just a bit uncomfortable with it sometimes and any of my other friends who hear about it think im a mug. I also hate how he just shuts me down and says I’m being too clingy for even mentioning it. Now we’re back in the UK they’re literally finding every opportunity to go for walks together and again I feel like the spare part, argh!

Please tell me I’m not being ridiculous!

xx

Marking my place

Ah, @OfMyDog I think you are doing great. Please ignore those egging you on to do something. You have come a long way already: you know your husband is betraying you. You will work it out at your own pace. There is some great insight here for you, but you need time to digest your new thoughts on this. Wishing you strength. We are here for you 💐

And I didn’t mean anything derogatory to anyone with the word mental-more that’s this is a mad fucked up situation

I agree with the last few pp’s.

I have a really close male friend who’s partner decided felt unhappy with our friendship, we’d not met up for years but when we did after many years for lunch, she was upset. As soon as I was told, I immediately stopped the intermittent messages we’d occasionally send and the only contact I made sure he got was my wedding pictures so she was reassured I was not interested in her partner like that.

I totally was not about to shit friend’s relationship when he told me his partner was upset. Why the hell would I want to contribute to a good friends misery and cause upset in their life?

this woman OP, is no friend of yours. Put distance between you and her.

I'm starting to think this can't be real. People like OP don't exist. This whole situation is nuts. Soon we will hear that the friend stays for sleepovers in husband's bed and OP brings them coffee in the morning.

I can’t think of the right word.
Disrespectful? Rude? Gaslighting? WEIRD AS FECK!
My word.
My ex was very much like this with his best friends wife, though that bitch was definitely not my friend. When we arrived on the holiday I single hand-idly paid for, she called him. They were obsessed with each other and it was horrible to watch. It’s hard when you have no self esteem either.
I’m married to an incredible man now. I could never and would never want to treat my husband like that. I certainly would NEVER do that to someone I call a friend. Your husband’s behaviours is vile. But…. Your “friend’s” behaviour is just as vile. Neither respect you or your feelings. Their relationship is so far over the line.
My advice? Leave him. I don’t care if it isn’t physical yet. It’s an emotional affair and that is sometimes worse.
Big hugs. You are worth SO much more!!
P.S Sad to say, but my ex and the best friends wife were having an affair after all xx

OP I feel really awful for you. This is so wrong. I’ve been in denial and then they started being blatantly sexual, holding hands in front of me was the start, I was still a little in disbelief then. It ruined my trust forever really.
watching a sunset together is a really intimate, romantic thing to do.
you need to leave this marriage and find someone who wants to be there doing that with you.

I wondered that. It is like an obsessive love, not a friendship.

there is no aspect of things that she’s done which have been actually inappropriate other than not seeing the boundaries that should be in place

That's pretty major though @OfMyDog . She did the seeing the sunset with him thing, and the letting him sit next to her in her room when she's in her pyjamas thing.

Assuming she doesn't have severe SEN or something, she does know what these things mean and that they're not stuff you usually do with someone that's married to someone else, without the wife present.

Definitely real. No sleepovers in my husband’s bed though.

thanks to the many like @SummerWhisper who see where I’m at. It’s easy to read anything on mumsnet, as I am do myself, and say quit the job, ditch the friend, get the divorce, leave with your kids now etc etc, it’s not that easy is it. It has helped me see things more clearly though and made me think into things more. That’s all I needed.

If there was a function to lock the thread and leave it (without deleting it!) now then I’d do that so that I can come back over the coming days and re-read and soak it in again. The replies keep coming. I’ll probably drop in and reply where people ask questions I can easily respond to (like am I definitely not in love with the other woman myself - no). But otherwise I have taken plenty from the replies and have sufficient x

I've come pretty late to this. Haven't read all the comments (first few and last page plus all of op's) but am coming from the point of view of someone whose best friend is a man. A man married to a woman whilst I am very happily married to a man.

We have stayed up late in the night on holiday chatting in the living room after our partners have gone to bed. We send each other WhatsApps and don't copy in the others. He is written into our will and I would care for their child in a heartbeat if something awful happened. I would never dream of having an affair with him or he with me. We have comforted each other through bereavement, infertility, shit jobs etc. I have never even considered that our friendship deserves the vitriol thrown at people on this thread. I just don't get this "emotional affair" business. If you don't fancy them and are sharing the same things as you would with a best friend of the same gender then surely you're just friends. If the op was upset about her husband spending too much time with "dave, his best mate from school" I suspect the feedback would be a lot more constructive, understanding and empathetic on both sides.

Real life isn't a bloody rom com.
Not everyone fancies everyone.

I'm starting to think this can't be real. People like OP don't exist
Oh they do. Read my post on page 31 C is completely in thrall to N When i ended our friendships (i didnt want to end friendship with C) C messaged me on FB just before i blocked her to say WE are here if you change your mind Not I

WE. Meaning her and N. I already knew i was doing the right thing but that just rubber stamped it.

Yeah, they are having an affair! They are taking the absolute p**s out of you right under your nose!

Sorry, I don’t want my husband staying up late, chatting to his female “bestie” or WhatsApping her cosy little chats. I may be uncool, but I think most wives would hate that.

So op your h is self employed, does your friend work ? Do they have oportunity in the day to see one another, also do you work ?

If there was a function to lock the thread and leave it (without deleting it!) now then I’d do that so that I can come back over the coming days and re-read and soak it in again. The replies keep coming. I’ll probably drop in and reply where people ask questions I can easily respond to (like am I definitely not in love with the other woman myself - no). But otherwise I have taken plenty from the replies and have sufficient x

@OfMyDog Once it gets to page 40 then a thread is automatically full and there can't be any more replies, so you could do that then automatically. Then if/when you want to chat more you can make a thread 2. x

I fail to see how you can be so naive to be honest, they go off to watch the sunset together while you are looking after her child, he goes to her hotel room you go and find them on the sofa and her in her pjs, well he’s not going there to play tiddlywinks is he, he sits in the middle of the pair of you ignoring you, if you read this post as a outsider would alarm bells ring op, how much does it take for you to open your eyes to what’s being laid in front of you, I’m hoping for your sake this is a made up post, (it is the 6 weeks holiday).

Suffer in silence as its all DH fault. Her close caring friend does absolutely nothing to entice her DH, she is just being friendly. Whats wrong with her DH having a cosy up on the couch with her friend wearing her PJs while his wife is babysitting her child.
In fact I'm going to phone a close friend (her husband is a good friend too) and tell her I'm going to gymn with your DH tomorrow and as it looks like it will be a beautiful sunset we will take a wander down to the beach. Oh and if you don't mind can I drop my children with you, I'm having difficulties getting a baby sitter. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Completely agree! Who are the people that are fine with this?! My DH had a female friend like this when I came on the scene - she had zero boundaries. We were around 5 months into a committed relationship when she invited my now DH away on holiday to a beach resort for a week just the two of them. He declined and started pulling away from the friendship as he could see she was not respecting me. All these posters having cosy intimacies with their opposite sex best friends - I wonder how many of their partners are secretly pained and uncomfortable. And how many of these friendships are truly platonic on both sides. I am positive my DH’s friend did not have strictly platonic friendship feelings for him. And secretly he suspected the same but never said it out loud.

I would never dream of having an affair with him or he with me. We have comforted each other through bereavement, infertility, shit jobs etc. I have never even considered that our friendship deserves the vitriol thrown at people on this thread. I just don't get this "emotional affair" business. If you don't fancy them and are sharing the same things as you would with a best friend of the same gender then surely you're just friends. If the op was upset about her husband spending too much time with "dave, his best mate from school" I suspect the feedback would be a lot more constructive, understanding and empathetic on both sides.

If your husband didn't feel happy with this, how would you respond? Would you reassure him? Would you change your behaviour? Would you dismiss his fears out of hand and just carry on? Do you hang out with your friend and exclude him? I don't mean is it just the two of you on your own, I mean do you act in a way that leaves your husband feeling like a third wheel in his own marriage?

No-one on this thread is making direct comments about your friendship, but about the OP's. People do cross lines. Yes, men and women can just be friends, I think. But there is something different when someone tries to edge you out of your own relationship especially if they exclude you from their little world whilst you're in the same room as them.

I am starting to have my doubts too.

i know of people who have unconventional private lives throuples etc. Nothing wrong with it. If you choose it. Op hasn’t consented for this.

I have never come across anyone with such an obvious blind spot as OP

Well said @WisherWood

I guess there’s a lot to take in, and you have a lot of responses to process. As you said, it’s difficult to take everything on board, and decide what you are going to do straight away. That will take time.

Watching a sunset on holiday is a very romantic thing to do, and he chose to do it with ‘friend’.

Yes. I imagine they frequently tell each other how much they understand one another and what soul mates they are. "We just get on so well!" etc. Yuck

No friend will contact your partner on the phone for a chin wag unless it's for emergency situation.
This is inappropriate as F.
Two school friends on my SM are like this with their partners I'm just waiting for one to start having an affair with the others partner. Look what happened to Katie price and her BF of 30yrs