Help me do this pl - splitting holiday villa costs

[captainmarvella]

Morning. Planning a landmark event celebration next year in pool villa in a very sought after destination spot.

Bedroom 1 - DH & I
Bedroom 2 - Best Friend and her DH
Bedroom 3 - Friend's teenaged kids (2)
Bedroom 4 - Friend's BIL & his DP
Bedroom 5 - Friend's BIL's adult child

Villa rental is 3000$ / week. Friend has suggested that each family pays 1000$.

I feel grumpy that the split is a threeway when my DH and I will use only one bedroom. But DH says not to make a fuss as it is a long awaited celebratory holiday and by being tight we will cast a shadow over the happy planning stage (we are not rich AT ALL but a bit more financially secure than my friend's or her BIL's family)

AIBU in thinking that I should be paying less for the villa rental.

Your friends will not go for a hb hotel. I think they will probably just get a smaller villa without you. The hb hotel will cost them thousands more. Decide what you are OK paying and let her know. Also decide whether it is OK with you if it doesn't happen because the finances are not agreed. Otherwise you risk the holiday not happening and there being an unpleasant feeling.

My husband said this too, and I have agreed that it is not.

My gut feeling says it too, so I am brushing up my boundaries game. I will have to somehow tell my friend firmly but kindly that I cannot subsidise food for the whole week.

But the 4 adults of best friend her Dh, the bil and partner seem to be happy to do so?

I would contact the friend separately and ask if the other family and adult child are going to be able to afford the costs of going out/meals out, as you ar conscious that it must be difficult for them seeing as they aren't really contributing to the villa cost. You will struggle to split all the other costs three ways, to feed adult children (it's not like they're little and won't eat much). It gets the point out there that the villa is not an equitable split, and givers her a chance to acknowledge that with you and be a bit more open?

you need to decide what you actually want and suggest that. Suggesting a hotel isn’t actually what you want, you want the split to be by room or person.

personally given the “kids” rooms are so inferior I wouldn’t quibble over it.

however I would suggest a Kitty per head for meals out then you don’t have to do maths and it will work out fairly

I'd start saving for therapy and a luxury break for you and your dh now to recover from this holiday. Guests/holiday companions are like fish, they start stinking after three days.

I'd suck it up but I've got the money. Usually the kids get the worse rooms and I think it's fair your friend who organises gets the master. As long as you get a decent room you can agree to not split by room but allocate the 2 points adult one point child (&count the 19yo as child because they are still dependent)

A family using two bedrooms aren't actually getting double the value that you are.

Of course they are! The cottages we stay in - if it’s for two, it’s smaller usually; less seats in the lounge, less seats at the dining room table, less bedrooms and beds, less of everything compared to a cottage catering for four?

You need to be clear with her. "ok, but it's not fair to split the costs three ways when we are two people, you are four, and bil is 3, so we need to look at the great way to split the villa and other costs so it's equitable"

You are being wishy washy and a doormat and you will end up resentful and angry.

It's ok to be clear about how you feel and to ask to do it differently. She's not in charge. You need to sort it before anything is booked.

Great = best

Also this, and I'd also be negatively wondering is there going to be more of 'its x's special event, let's treat them' and 'bil isn't well off, let's treat them'

This. It should be obvious. 5 bedrooms split by 5.

I Agree with this. I think I would talk to her on the phone, ideally, as these things are always easier when you actually talk. An individual message is better than a group message but a conversation is even better.

You really don't have to split 3 ways just because she suggested it.

i have children myself and I would never expect friends to subsidise them!

Maybe if you can accept the 3 way split in the villa but make your friend aware upfront that it won't extend to any food costs/meals out as a compromise. I would message your friend something like this:-

Happy to stick to the villa plan if that is the preference and split the cost 3 ways but just wanted to give you a heads up that when it comes to food shopping, meals out etc we would prefer if we can work out an equitable split per person please rather than a straight 3 way split. Maybe split be 8 people and count the kids as 1 person for example?

No don’t agree to the 3 way split! Say you are happy to subsidise the kids rooms somewhat as they don’t have ensuites, perhaps £800 for en-suite rooms and £300 for the others, that would be more than generous!

I'm not sure where you're going to but could you open the discussion maybe by suggesting you order an online delivery for your staple groceries for the villa (the owner should be able to advise if this is possible) and see how they suggest splitting that?

"Maybe split be 8 people and count the kids as 1 person for example?"

There are 6 adults and 3 teenagers (the 19yo and 2 younger ones), are you saying the 19yo should be counted as an adult and the younger teenagers just half each? But surely even younger teenagers eat as much as adults?! A 19yo will surely not eat twice as much as a 17yo for example.

Split per family, three ways. I agree with your DH.

Just remember your friend may not be thinking clearly rather than an out and out CF taking advantage.

She wants to do something nice for BIL and his family as they have had a rough time. She thinks (obviously mistakenly) that you would see and feel it in the same way and so unconsciously has lumped you in with her decision making, making decisions for both of you without consultation. So I wouldn't necessarily assign poor motives to her and I think perhaps a gentle reminder that you won't be treating her family throughout the holiday is necessary.

I would suck up the cost of the accommodation, you probably wouldn't find a really nice hotel cheaper. Then as others have said, ask about holiday cost spits. Perhaps suggest that each family gets a separate bill when out. Asking for this at the start of meals will be easy. If you feel like buying a round of drinks/wine for the table you can do that easily by you/your husband asking for it to be put on your bill.
That way you can be generous when you want without feeling taken advantage of.

Thirdly, I would empathise with your friend that she wants to do something nice for her bill's family and ask her if she would prefer money instead of the gift you were thinking of to put towards their holiday.

Whatever you do you need to get everything sorted decided. Otherwise it'll be the same with meals out and food/petrol

I can't believe so many are suggesting OP agrees with the three way split! we've been away on a villa holiday with two other families and it was split per person for any person over the age of 2. Why should OP pay for children/teens who aren't even theirs.
I wouldn't allow anyone to pay extra for my children. Wouldn't even enter my head

Hope you get a reassurance that the food bills etc won't be split 3 ways. Agree it's probably not worth kicking off about the rooms but definitely worth establishing boundaries on other costs. Good luck!

And I bet they will expect everything to be split 3 ways for the whole holiday

Don't ask about food, state about what you are happy to do with regards to food.

"We're happy to split the villa three ways but we aren't happy to do that with the food shop and meals out, as there are only two of us and three/four in each of the other family groups. Shall we set up a kitty for food shop per head?"