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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is the bride right to have her way or am I being too sensitive?

548 replies

toddle19 · 06/08/2023 00:44

My SIL gets married next week and she
asked myself, my husband (her older brother) and our 19month old daughter to be part of wedding party - Bridesmaid, usher and flower girl - And we’re absolutely thrilled to play a part in their day.

one thing I didn’t think about until a couple of months ago is how hard having a very strong willed 19 month old at the wedding ceremony would be! And now it’s really stressing me out.

We’ve been told on the day I’m on one side of the church with the bridesmaids and my daughter (the front row) and my husband is over the other side sat with the ushers. The more I’ve thought about this the more I’m panicking that I won’t be able to make it through a 30-40 minute service managing my daughter on my own. We’ve been told no prams in the ceremony, so she’ll be on my lap the whole time which is obviously not going to happen for 40 minutes. I will have some space beside me which I can put her changing bag and I will have a few toys, my phone and snacks for her but as she’s very mobile I’ve got to somehow manage to not let her run off too 🤯 ultimately I’ll end up leaving the ceremony as soon as little one gets too much, which is fine and I’ve not got an issue with that if it comes to it.

today I asked the bride if she would be okay if my husband sat behind me in the service, next to his grandma and auntie so if my little one gets bored of me I can pass her back to her dad and so forth. This will give me the best chance of making it through the service and seeing her get married. My SIL said she’d rather he sat on the front with the ushers as she wants all ushers together on the photos. I didn’t press her on this.

i just feel a bit let down by this, and I know I shouldn’t as she wants her day to be perfect and so do I. She doesn’t have children, so I do get that she can’t imagine how hard managing a 19 month old can be and see things from my point of view. But would it not occur to her that in 15 years time when she looks at her wedding photos would she not rather have her niece and SIL in the photos during the church service, than four men dressed in the same colour suits? As soon as the service is over my husband will be on all photos etc with the ushers.
as much as we agreed to this, she also invited all three of us to be part of the service so she surely needs to be flexible on some things to help us make this work for her?

her dad (my FIL) will be at the service also, but my daughter doesn’t see my husbands side of the family much due to distance and my daughter doesn’t really know him and won’t approach him so I can’t rely on him. My husband lost his mum some years ago, so we have no one on his side who can help us with our little one. No one that she feels comfortable around.

aibu to basically tell my SIL we’re going to sit together because we think it’s better if we manage our daughter together?

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 06/08/2023 00:47

It’s your husband’s sister. He needs to sort this, not you.

GADDay · 06/08/2023 00:49

You can't manage your own child for 40 minutes?

This MUST be a reverse.

NoChanceYouMetalBastard · 06/08/2023 00:50

Can you not just nip out, or to the back of the church/venue if needs be?

Blondewithredlips · 06/08/2023 00:51

GADDay · 06/08/2023 00:49

You can't manage your own child for 40 minutes?

This MUST be a reverse.

This

SemperIdem · 06/08/2023 00:52

You can’t manage your child on your own?

Albless · 06/08/2023 00:53

Is there going to be a wedding rehearsal? Is it your church - do you know the minister/vicar/priest?

I'm a parish minister, and if there are small children in the wedding party, I'll ask at the rehearsal who is going to be on hand to keep an eye on them - entertain them, take them to the toilet if need be etc. So if there's a rehearsal, it could be talked about then. I also, always, say that I am very happy for small children to wander about during the service. My approach is pretty laid-back and informal though, and going by what I read regularly on MN my attitude is the opposite of many brides!

Original poster
toddle19 · 06/08/2023 00:53

HeddaGarbled · 06/08/2023 00:47

It’s your husband’s sister. He needs to sort this, not you.

Yes I do agree and he will probably have the conversation with her but for the sake of this ask, I thought it would be easier to just keep it simple and say it in the first person.

I’m more keen to hear whether others think we’re being unreasonable to push back, or is this a case of just do what we’re asked.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 06/08/2023 00:54

Yes you might have to duck out. But it’s your DHs sibling. It’s more important that he is able to see her get married.

All you can do is suggest to her that the photographer takes any photos of the bridesmaids inside the church in the first 5 minutes and then do your best with DD.

JellyBeanFactory · 06/08/2023 00:54

YABU

AmbleInAnnBoleyn · 06/08/2023 00:54

You don't need your hubby by your side, take little one out as soon as she starts. It will be OK.

User63847484848 · 06/08/2023 00:55

I mean… she probably doesn’t want to say it but maybe if your Dc does need attending to or taking out maybe she’d prefer you did it so her brother can focus on her wedding? He is her brother after all, it’s lovely you’re all part of the wedding party but I think as it’s his sister you need to look after Dc during the ceremony

NoChanceYouMetalBastard · 06/08/2023 00:55

I don't think you're unreasonable at all and fgs ignore the snippy "can't you manage your child" responses. I bet most people would be anxious too.

I'd just plan whatever distracts kids that age and if that didn't work then nip out the back to settle and come back.

Albless · 06/08/2023 00:55

SemperIdem · 06/08/2023 00:52

You can’t manage your child on your own?

I think you're being unfair to the OP - she and her daughter are going to be at the front of the church as part of the wedding party. Hopefully all will be well, but I can understand that she might be feel a little anxious about it.

Clymene · 06/08/2023 00:55

Just take her out. Passing her back and forth would be really disruptive

nocoolnamesleft · 06/08/2023 00:56

She'd probably prefer the risk of her sister in law having to nip out during her wedding over her brother. Which honestly seems reasonable.

Original poster
toddle19 · 06/08/2023 00:56

GADDay · 06/08/2023 00:49

You can't manage your own child for 40 minutes?

This MUST be a reverse.

Have you tried to hold down a toddler for 40 minutes on your own and keep them quiet?!?! It’s not unreasonable to think this would be hard.

OP posts:
AmbleInAnnBoleyn · 06/08/2023 00:57

Please don't push back, it will upset the bride and you will run the risk of looking like a surly spoilsport who can't cope with her kiddo.

FirstDayOfHoliyays · 06/08/2023 00:57

Wtf. Don't take toys and changing bags to the front of the church. Just hold your own kid or pass her back to someone, goodness me 😅

blahblahblah1654 · 06/08/2023 00:57

Yabu. Surely you can just leave the room if your DD is getting fussy. Your SIL wants her brother to be at the front and be there the whole time. That's understandable. Please think outside yourself for them.

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 06/08/2023 00:58

You absolutely can handle this. People take kids this age on buses, to restaurants, on flights and to church all the time and manage to keep them contained. Bring all the things you said and simply take her out if she becomes disruptive.

BreadInCaptivity · 06/08/2023 00:58

Tbh I'm can't fathom why you seem to think you can't look after your own child alone for 40 minutes.

If she does make a fuss (as children of that age do - totally normal) and needs to be taken outside, it's your job to do that.

Your husband's right to see his sister married top trumps yours.

If this is an annoying reverse thread, the same applies. Your husband should be capable of looking after his child for that time and respect your "top trump" on this family occasion of watching your sister marry if you child needs taking outside the venue.

Original poster
toddle19 · 06/08/2023 00:59

nocoolnamesleft · 06/08/2023 00:56

She'd probably prefer the risk of her sister in law having to nip out during her wedding over her brother. Which honestly seems reasonable.

Oh no, without a doubt my husband would stay and I would leave with her. It was never going to be proposed that he would leave. We wouldn’t have it any other way. Once I leave I’ve been asked to stay outside just because I’ll have to walk back down the aisle to take my seat again which isn’t an option.

OP posts:
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 06/08/2023 01:00

Can you sit somewhere you can easily and discreetly leave if she kicks up a fuss?

Original poster
toddle19 · 06/08/2023 01:01

BreadInCaptivity · 06/08/2023 00:58

Tbh I'm can't fathom why you seem to think you can't look after your own child alone for 40 minutes.

If she does make a fuss (as children of that age do - totally normal) and needs to be taken outside, it's your job to do that.

Your husband's right to see his sister married top trumps yours.

If this is an annoying reverse thread, the same applies. Your husband should be capable of looking after his child for that time and respect your "top trump" on this family occasion of watching your sister marry if you child needs taking outside the venue.

You’ve misinterpreted this post. It’s not a case over who goes out with my daughter, I would go out regardless of who’s sitting where. Of course he would stay to see his sister get married.

OP posts:
LeiaOrganaBananaHamock · 06/08/2023 01:02

I don’t blame you for being anxious - I would too!
Ask a family member or friend to leave a bag of little things to keep her occupied on the front pew for you so you’re not carrying it up the aisle. Try to sit on the end of the pew closest to the wall so if you have to stand and rock her you can nip easily off to the side. When you go for the rehearsal, see if there’s a children’s corner in the church, most have them and it might be good as a last resort