Is the bride right to have her way or am I being too sensitive?

[toddle19]

My SIL gets married next week and she
asked myself, my husband (her older brother) and our 19month old daughter to be part of wedding party - Bridesmaid, usher and flower girl - And we’re absolutely thrilled to play a part in their day.

one thing I didn’t think about until a couple of months ago is how hard having a very strong willed 19 month old at the wedding ceremony would be! And now it’s really stressing me out.

We’ve been told on the day I’m on one side of the church with the bridesmaids and my daughter (the front row) and my husband is over the other side sat with the ushers. The more I’ve thought about this the more I’m panicking that I won’t be able to make it through a 30-40 minute service managing my daughter on my own. We’ve been told no prams in the ceremony, so she’ll be on my lap the whole time which is obviously not going to happen for 40 minutes. I will have some space beside me which I can put her changing bag and I will have a few toys, my phone and snacks for her but as she’s very mobile I’ve got to somehow manage to not let her run off too 🤯 ultimately I’ll end up leaving the ceremony as soon as little one gets too much, which is fine and I’ve not got an issue with that if it comes to it.

today I asked the bride if she would be okay if my husband sat behind me in the service, next to his grandma and auntie so if my little one gets bored of me I can pass her back to her dad and so forth. This will give me the best chance of making it through the service and seeing her get married. My SIL said she’d rather he sat on the front with the ushers as she wants all ushers together on the photos. I didn’t press her on this.

i just feel a bit let down by this, and I know I shouldn’t as she wants her day to be perfect and so do I. She doesn’t have children, so I do get that she can’t imagine how hard managing a 19 month old can be and see things from my point of view. But would it not occur to her that in 15 years time when she looks at her wedding photos would she not rather have her niece and SIL in the photos during the church service, than four men dressed in the same colour suits? As soon as the service is over my husband will be on all photos etc with the ushers.
as much as we agreed to this, she also invited all three of us to be part of the service so she surely needs to be flexible on some things to help us make this work for her?

her dad (my FIL) will be at the service also, but my daughter doesn’t see my husbands side of the family much due to distance and my daughter doesn’t really know him and won’t approach him so I can’t rely on him. My husband lost his mum some years ago, so we have no one on his side who can help us with our little one. No one that she feels comfortable around.

aibu to basically tell my SIL we’re going to sit together because we think it’s better if we manage our daughter together?

Could you suggest to the bride that a 19 month old is too young to play a part in the wedding as she would not understand or follow directions? Would you have childcare available if she was not at the wedding. I wonder how much you'll be able to enjoy the day if you must take care of your child all day. If any of this sounds right, I would have a serious talk with the bride and see if she would change her mind.

If you weren’t part of the wedding party, but your husband was, you would still be separated and expected to sit on you own. What would you do then?

Once I leave I’ve been asked to stay outside just because I’ll have to walk back down the aisle to take my seat again which isn’t an option.

can you not just stay at the back if you come back inside? slip into one of the rear pews?

The wedding is next week! Of course the OP shouldn't be withdrawing herself or her DD from the bridal party at this stage! All she has to do is take at most fifty steps outside if her daughter gets restless.

In agreeing to be a bridesmaid months ago (probably), she was agreeing to help the bride, not make a song and dance about petty, manageable things with one week to go.

i totally get why you’re worried about this. It’s not just about a fussy toddler, it’s in the context of it being someone’s big day and not wanting to disrupt or spoil their big moment. I do think you’ve asked and got your answer though so I do think it would be unreasonable to push back.

I used to make up a mixture of dried cereal, raisins and some hidden broken up milky bar buttons for occasions where I needed to keep my LO still and in one place for a while. The buttons created enough interest without them just gobbling them all down in one go the way they might with a packet of just buttons. Chewing on the cereal and raisins dragged it out a bit. Good luck!

I mean 19 month olds aren’t ‘badly behaved’ but ok lol

Can you pop a few things in you bag that will amuse her but will not be noisy toys? - I’m thinking those little rubbery hand held toys with liquid and stars and glitter in or something and give it to her as soon as you sit down, have three or four, that’s ten mins per new thing - my ds loved that kind of thing at that age. But ultimately you need to accept that you may not be there / see all of the service. I think your SIL deserves the wedding she would like, I’m sure your DD will be fine

As a Mum of a 21 month old, I wouldn’t relish keeping her quietly entertained or sat still for 40 minutes. I would most certainly feel uncomfortable doing this whilst sat at the front of the Church. Would it not be better to ask (rather than risk going outside) if it’s ok for you to sit at the back with your daughter as it’s likely you’re going to be standing outside anyway? If you’re at the back it’s less of a disruption to everyone else if you need to shush her. Obviously if your daughter kicks off you’ll still have to leave but maybe this way you will not miss as much of the ceremony.

Ok. However you want to describe it 🤷🏻‍♀️ Point is the OP should be more than capable of looking after her small child for 40 mins without creating drama.

Ok. However you want to describe it 🤷🏻‍♀️ Point is the OP should be more than capable of looking after her small child for 40 mins without creating drama.

Should be

She's clearly anxious about this. It's not her family .She doesn't want to mess up. Blimey have a bit of empathy.

And all you lot with superb toddlers very very well done. Everyone is not the same.

It's toe curling reading some of this.

Are you and husband both at home all day every day with the little one also as you make it clear you struggle to manage without him at your side is he by your side 27/7 also then i take it it 40 minutes not the restvof your childs life im sure u could manage without ur husband glued to you for a mere 40 minutes

Sashaying back down the main aisle with a squalling toddler right in the middle of the ceremony? That's not a small thing, it basically ruins the wedding.

Especially as a bridesmaid.

Far better to withdraw.

As a single parent yes I have had to manage on difficult situations on my own with no one to hand the little one to. My daughter was bridesmaid earlier this year and was handed to me once she was up the isle.
Take snacks toys maybe some new toys so they are more attractive, colouring etc etc etc. if needs be you can move to the side/back.

I'm reality your daughter is going to wander between you both, can you both sit on the outside of the pews so you sre either side of the aisle and she can pop between ye both?

These AIBU wedding posts are getting more and more crazy. Why would the bride agree to her own brother not being on the front row and not sat with the other ushers to accommodate you?

At my DH’s brothers wedding I had to sit on my own with 3 children and keep them quiet.. was I slightly anxious about it? Yes. But I did it, and wouldn’t dare have asked them to move DH off the front row.

It will be fine. If anything you should ask if YOU can sit at the back with baby instead of the front row, don’t ask her to move her own brother.

I recently was at my FIL wedding with my 20 month old, it was fine. I had snacks and had her on my knee for a bit but the. She just toddled about at the front. She was quiet and very cute (thankfully) and my FIL had said beforehand that this was fine, so it made it a whole lot less stressful. I’d maybe check if SIL is ok with you letting her off your knee to stand as that might keep her happy. Or if she must remain seated as that may make your job more tricky to keep her quiet

Please look forward to the wedding and try not to worry, you may be pleasantly surprised by your daughter. The whole situation and surroundings may keeping her attention.

I had a similar situation at BIL’s wedding, when DH was best man and had to sit at the front with his brother (the groom). At the time DCs were 4 and 17 months, and I was really nervous about how they would behave in the service, particularly as they were the only children who were allowed to attend the wedding. Plus we live a long way from any of DH’s family so the DCs didn’t really know any of the other guests, many of whom were distant family. I sat myself near the back of the church and took small bags with little tiny (quiet) toys for them to look at, plus loads of fiddly snacks (eg raisins) to keep them quiet.

Actually I think the novelty of the occasion meant that they didn’t get too fidgety and they were both pretty good. I don’t think bride was too happy about the fact I sat near the back, as she had supplied them both with mini wedding-party outfits but they were really just too little to deal with walking down the aisle and sitting at the front.

OP I can understand why you might feel nervous about it all but I’m sure it will be fine. If you’re lucky other guests might help keep your DC distracted during the service, and if all else fails you can just go out. You really can’t make this an issue for the bride, in my opinion.

No winding necessary - all that's needed here is common sense! I bet thousands of us have had to walk out of quiet events with kids - what's the big deal?!

Talk about drama over nothing.

*No winding necessary - all that's needed here is common sense! I bet thousands of us have had to walk out of quiet events with kids - what's the big deal?!

Talk about drama over nothing.*

I think you're making this a bit dramatic tbh.

No prams! No toys! No snacks!

I bet thousands have also given those things a try. And yep they sometimes work.

And then out you go. Missed the entirety of my SiL wedding myself.

I think OP just needs a bit of reassurance but you sound more the shouty type.

You might miss this message OP as you’ve had a lot of replies, but I had the same situation when my brother got married.
I was one side of the church with my then toddler daughter, and dh was the other side with our son.
We managed it, by having an arsenal of attention-grabbing activities & snacks to keep her occupied. I got to the church early & put them in our places, ready for later.
It was fine, and she did brilliantly.
It was a few years ago now, so I can’t remember exactly what we had, but everything was quiet to play with, and all the snacks were in little pots that were silent to open. I had a changing bag full of things!!
It’s doable 💪🏻

I think you're going to have to suck it up.
Leave if you need, might not be as bad as you think. Toys and snacks, also if she toddles to daddy is it the end of the world🤷🏼‍♀️

I understand that you are feeling anxious. However, the bride has said what she wants, and in your shoes I would go along with that, and if your daughter misbehaves, then take her outside. If your SIL wants things done in a particular way & your DH explains that your daughter may start fussing, then it's her choice. Don't take responsibility for something outside your control. It won't be your fault if you have to take your DD outside. As for the photos, it's probably more important to the bride that her brother is in them, rather than a bridesmaid she's not related to by blood.

Could you not take your mum with you and she could sit behind you in the church/venue and she could take her out and also have your child in the night so you can enjoy the whole wedding. I know it's 5 hours but my mum would come at the drop of a hat. (Obviously not attend the wedding reception)

My DC1 sat through a funeral at a similar age. He made it through by being fed boiled sweets continually by an older lady (not recommended as they're a choking hazard!). Could you do similar with sweets and a screen based thing they aren't usually allowed?!