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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is the bride right to have her way or am I being too sensitive?

548 replies

toddle19 · 06/08/2023 00:44

My SIL gets married next week and she
asked myself, my husband (her older brother) and our 19month old daughter to be part of wedding party - Bridesmaid, usher and flower girl - And we’re absolutely thrilled to play a part in their day.

one thing I didn’t think about until a couple of months ago is how hard having a very strong willed 19 month old at the wedding ceremony would be! And now it’s really stressing me out.

We’ve been told on the day I’m on one side of the church with the bridesmaids and my daughter (the front row) and my husband is over the other side sat with the ushers. The more I’ve thought about this the more I’m panicking that I won’t be able to make it through a 30-40 minute service managing my daughter on my own. We’ve been told no prams in the ceremony, so she’ll be on my lap the whole time which is obviously not going to happen for 40 minutes. I will have some space beside me which I can put her changing bag and I will have a few toys, my phone and snacks for her but as she’s very mobile I’ve got to somehow manage to not let her run off too 🤯 ultimately I’ll end up leaving the ceremony as soon as little one gets too much, which is fine and I’ve not got an issue with that if it comes to it.

today I asked the bride if she would be okay if my husband sat behind me in the service, next to his grandma and auntie so if my little one gets bored of me I can pass her back to her dad and so forth. This will give me the best chance of making it through the service and seeing her get married. My SIL said she’d rather he sat on the front with the ushers as she wants all ushers together on the photos. I didn’t press her on this.

i just feel a bit let down by this, and I know I shouldn’t as she wants her day to be perfect and so do I. She doesn’t have children, so I do get that she can’t imagine how hard managing a 19 month old can be and see things from my point of view. But would it not occur to her that in 15 years time when she looks at her wedding photos would she not rather have her niece and SIL in the photos during the church service, than four men dressed in the same colour suits? As soon as the service is over my husband will be on all photos etc with the ushers.
as much as we agreed to this, she also invited all three of us to be part of the service so she surely needs to be flexible on some things to help us make this work for her?

her dad (my FIL) will be at the service also, but my daughter doesn’t see my husbands side of the family much due to distance and my daughter doesn’t really know him and won’t approach him so I can’t rely on him. My husband lost his mum some years ago, so we have no one on his side who can help us with our little one. No one that she feels comfortable around.

aibu to basically tell my SIL we’re going to sit together because we think it’s better if we manage our daughter together?

OP posts:
HRTQueen · 06/08/2023 02:10

All will be fine you are over thinking things

as much as toddlers are cute that are mostly a handful and rarely do things go to plan/smoothly with toddlers around

just take a few things that will distract her and make sure your shoes are comfortable (as likely to be walking about a lot)

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 06/08/2023 02:13

It sounds like there are a lot of people that don’t have kids commenting so let that add to your stress.

You are in a very difficult position. I would ask the bride how you want it handled if the child gets restless and noisy. Don’t let her fob you off with just hold her because that’s not going to happen. One of you is going to have to take her outside the church to run around, get the bride to let you know who she wants that to be. If all you get is just hold her, just do what works for you. If you have a rehearsal at the church the night before leave one bag near where you will be sitting and one by the door so you can grab it on the way out.

Good luck.

lucywho123 · 06/08/2023 02:13

YABU. I recently had my 18 month old sitting with me at my brothers wedding. We were both bridesmaids/flower girl. I just got up and walked around with her when she was fed up. Don’t make it such a big deal, you’ll be fine

caringcarer · 06/08/2023 02:15

User63847484848 · 06/08/2023 00:55

I mean… she probably doesn’t want to say it but maybe if your Dc does need attending to or taking out maybe she’d prefer you did it so her brother can focus on her wedding? He is her brother after all, it’s lovely you’re all part of the wedding party but I think as it’s his sister you need to look after Dc during the ceremony

This. She probably wants her brother not popping off outside. It's nice of her to involve you all.

coxesorangepippin · 06/08/2023 02:16

This is why people consistently say no kids at weddings

Because children in general don't like sitting still watching ceremonies for three hours

Just take her outside to play

TakenRoot · 06/08/2023 02:18

A 19 month old won’t stay quiet and still enough through a 40 minute wedding however many parents are wrangling her.

Passing her back and forth will just create kerfuffle right behind the bride and groom. The wedding video will pick up her constant chatting / playing noise. I honestly think that you will need to take her out or right to the back as soon as she gets lively / chatty.

Blondewithredlips · 06/08/2023 02:20

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 06/08/2023 02:13

It sounds like there are a lot of people that don’t have kids commenting so let that add to your stress.

You are in a very difficult position. I would ask the bride how you want it handled if the child gets restless and noisy. Don’t let her fob you off with just hold her because that’s not going to happen. One of you is going to have to take her outside the church to run around, get the bride to let you know who she wants that to be. If all you get is just hold her, just do what works for you. If you have a rehearsal at the church the night before leave one bag near where you will be sitting and one by the door so you can grab it on the way out.

Good luck.

I think you will find most people who have commented have children and experience of similar. I have children and take them out if they start to make noise that is disruptive instead of thinking other guests will be entertained by my toddler chatting and running off during a wedding service.
I feel sorry for the bride and groom.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 06/08/2023 02:27

Put the pram in the corner of the church somewhere so if DC gets fussy you can pop them in there and take them for a walk to settle them! I'd be anxious too! My 16mo wouldn't sit either lol 😂

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/08/2023 02:32

I am going against the grain here with YANBU.

It irritates me no end that people want the picture perfect Instawedding (for photos that they will coo over for the first few weeks and never look at again) and yet forget that these are real people, not models!

So a cute little toddler looking utterly adorable, perfect. Except that toddlers are not simply props, they need care, they have preferences and needs and wants. One thing they DO NOT have is a sense of occasion!

SIL as a BM, sitting with the other BMs all looking lovely, with the cute little toddler on her knee, how lovely!.......whilst also trying to manage the arch backed boredom of a little one who would rather be charging up and down the aisle and pulling the petals off the roses.

Ushers all sitting together in their matching suits........whilst DBrother is more concerned that his wife is coping alone with a seriously stroppy toddler (had 6 kids myself, 4 were not like this. 2 were. And believe me, they are another breed.....forget two parents, you need a whip and a chair!) whilst still trying to look and act lovely for the photos.

All of this could easily be managed with one small change of seating. But no "I want all the ushers together for the photos!" despite the fact that a full on meltdown (which can happen in seconds) will totally disrupt the service no matter how fast the OP legs it, which let us not forget will involve her going back down the aisle so hardly a subtle exit. And I daresay the bride will kick off about that as well.

I would be stressed. The bride is clearly more concerned about "The Look" than the comfort and happiness of the people who love and support her. I prefer child friendly weddings, where they are actually treated as what they are....members of the family to be loved and embraced rather than at best, props to be used and then ignored or at worst, banned altogether as they might ruin the photos.

Wanttobefree2 · 06/08/2023 02:34

toddle19 · 06/08/2023 00:56

Have you tried to hold down a toddler for 40 minutes on your own and keep them quiet?!?! It’s not unreasonable to think this would be hard.

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I’d make sure you are in the end seat so you can easily get out and stand with at the back, it’s often easier bouncing a kid and walking around with them than making them sit still. She won’t want the kid shouting through her vows anyway.

JANEY205 · 06/08/2023 02:35

My SIL somehow managed to keep our niece who was 18m old when we got married calm and peaceful for our 30 minute ceremony whilst my BIL was best man. A dummy helped. You’re unreasonable completely! And do not have your phone out for your child! How rude! I find it so strange you can’t manage your child for 30-40mins without her Dad also there. What will he be able to do that you can’t? It’s also his sister so yes you are being massively unreasonable.

Wanttobefree2 · 06/08/2023 02:37

Could you not get your mum or another good friend to supervise her while the ceremony is on, even if that means they are outside so you relax and watch the event. That would be the best solution.

Anetra · 06/08/2023 02:40

You could give your little one a very important job on the day to try to keep her from getting etchy. How about getting a decorative horse shoe with petals and ribbons etc and she has to look after it and watch out very carefully for the big kiss, then after the kiss her very important job is to give the bride the horse shoe for good luck?

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/08/2023 02:41

JANEY205 · 06/08/2023 02:35

My SIL somehow managed to keep our niece who was 18m old when we got married calm and peaceful for our 30 minute ceremony whilst my BIL was best man. A dummy helped. You’re unreasonable completely! And do not have your phone out for your child! How rude! I find it so strange you can’t manage your child for 30-40mins without her Dad also there. What will he be able to do that you can’t? It’s also his sister so yes you are being massively unreasonable.

Oh the naivety!

Its been 19 years since I last had to deal with one of "those" toddlers, and I still burn with shame at some of the times she went bonkers and I just wasnt fast enough.

Mum of six, four of whom I could (and did) cope with no problem. The other two however....not so much. I would, if I were the bride, prefer a kid looking at a phone for half an hour and being quiet than one going nutso because they are not being allowed to forensically dissect the floral displays and being carried out by a stressed sweaty and embarrassed bridesmaid, back up the aisle I had just walked down.

Easy to say "Oh how hard can it be" until you have actually tried it.

Cas112 · 06/08/2023 02:48

I honestly don't think you should be asking for a usher to sit behind you, he should surely be sitting where the rest are.

You will just have to leave the room as and when

Trulywonderfulworld · 06/08/2023 02:48

Either yourself or preferably someone who knows your dc but is not a member of the main wedding party could take your dc out if she becomes disruptive.

Maybe today you could take her to church to sit through a full service. Then maybe during the week aswell in order to prepare her. Tbh we sat through mass twice a week from very young and children in our church do and they learn how to sit quietly. A few services might not be enough but you never know.

Skinthin · 06/08/2023 02:51

toddle19 · 06/08/2023 00:56

Have you tried to hold down a toddler for 40 minutes on your own and keep them quiet?!?! It’s not unreasonable to think this would be hard.

Show quote history

YABU!!! My DD is 20 months and stubborn as an ox. I manage her on my own all the time, including in situations where she has to sit and be quiet. It’s only 40 mins. Of course you can’t predict exactly how she behaves , but if she starts to cause a disruption and you can’t contain it then you get up and take her out. End of story. Bride is already aware this may happen and ok with this plan. Of course she wants her brother with the ushers for the photo. YA being very self absorbed and precious to be “disappointed”. This day is not about you.

elliejjtiny · 06/08/2023 02:54

Yanbu. I was in a similar situation years ago when dh was best man at a wedding and I had to wrangle a 4 year old and a disabled 2 year old on my own for the whole day. I was really worried about it but it turned out a lot easier than I expected.

JudgeRudy · 06/08/2023 02:55

If you've accepted being in the wedding party you really don't get to dictate where you sit. She's given her perfectly valid reasons for her seating arrangements. If you're not confident you can manage your child solo then I'd suggest you don't bring her. I'm sure the couple would be fine with that and likely asked her to he flower girl to make things simpler.

Seddon · 06/08/2023 02:56

toddle19 · 06/08/2023 01:42

I think it’s more the fact that I know she won’t last 40 minutes in one place, not because im a crap mum, just because I know my daughter.
there will be other kids there so hopefully she won’t be the chattiest one! And if she does run off I just hope they find it funny!
i would say they are not child friendly, although they of course do love their niece very much.

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Nooooo, no running off! She stays firmly in your lap and the minute she starts trying to break free you head for the door. Let her run outside. Come back in and try again later, but stay near the door.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/08/2023 02:59

Cannot beat a "my child would never......" competition.

Meanwhile, back in the real world, Good luck OP!

Skinthin · 06/08/2023 03:02

JMSA · 06/08/2023 02:05

It's not a bloody competition Confused
Whether you think she's being unreasonable or not, the OP is allowed to feel a bit of anxiety over this.

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She’s allowed to be a bit anxious about it. She’s not allowed to demand to alter the seating plan, and be all butt hurt and “disappointed” at the bride, over such an incredibly trivial issue. It’s managing one 19 month old by herself for 40 mins. If it were a 10 our plane ride , i would understand why she’d want her partner sitting nearby . A 40 min church service? Ridiculous.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 06/08/2023 03:03

toddle19 · 06/08/2023 01:42

I think it’s more the fact that I know she won’t last 40 minutes in one place, not because im a crap mum, just because I know my daughter.
there will be other kids there so hopefully she won’t be the chattiest one! And if she does run off I just hope they find it funny!
i would say they are not child friendly, although they of course do love their niece very much.

Show quote history

Of course they’re not going to find it funny that you can’t cope with your own child for half an hour and will happily allow her to ruin their ceremony by running off.

Skinthin · 06/08/2023 03:03

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 06/08/2023 02:13

It sounds like there are a lot of people that don’t have kids commenting so let that add to your stress.

You are in a very difficult position. I would ask the bride how you want it handled if the child gets restless and noisy. Don’t let her fob you off with just hold her because that’s not going to happen. One of you is going to have to take her outside the church to run around, get the bride to let you know who she wants that to be. If all you get is just hold her, just do what works for you. If you have a rehearsal at the church the night before leave one bag near where you will be sitting and one by the door so you can grab it on the way out.

Good luck.

You are in a very difficult position
😂😂😂😂

Asiatoyork · 06/08/2023 03:07

I understand the anxiety, but honestly having the DH behind you to help will not be a good solution. If you are the point of passing her back and forth that’s already too disruptive and you will have needed to take her out. Just one of those things.

I also had one of those toddlers, and would probably also feel a bit nervous, but you’ll manage it and feel more confident I. Other situations going forward because you did it!

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