Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is the bride right to have her way or am I being too sensitive?

548 replies

toddle19 · 06/08/2023 00:44

My SIL gets married next week and she
asked myself, my husband (her older brother) and our 19month old daughter to be part of wedding party - Bridesmaid, usher and flower girl - And we’re absolutely thrilled to play a part in their day.

one thing I didn’t think about until a couple of months ago is how hard having a very strong willed 19 month old at the wedding ceremony would be! And now it’s really stressing me out.

We’ve been told on the day I’m on one side of the church with the bridesmaids and my daughter (the front row) and my husband is over the other side sat with the ushers. The more I’ve thought about this the more I’m panicking that I won’t be able to make it through a 30-40 minute service managing my daughter on my own. We’ve been told no prams in the ceremony, so she’ll be on my lap the whole time which is obviously not going to happen for 40 minutes. I will have some space beside me which I can put her changing bag and I will have a few toys, my phone and snacks for her but as she’s very mobile I’ve got to somehow manage to not let her run off too 🤯 ultimately I’ll end up leaving the ceremony as soon as little one gets too much, which is fine and I’ve not got an issue with that if it comes to it.

today I asked the bride if she would be okay if my husband sat behind me in the service, next to his grandma and auntie so if my little one gets bored of me I can pass her back to her dad and so forth. This will give me the best chance of making it through the service and seeing her get married. My SIL said she’d rather he sat on the front with the ushers as she wants all ushers together on the photos. I didn’t press her on this.

i just feel a bit let down by this, and I know I shouldn’t as she wants her day to be perfect and so do I. She doesn’t have children, so I do get that she can’t imagine how hard managing a 19 month old can be and see things from my point of view. But would it not occur to her that in 15 years time when she looks at her wedding photos would she not rather have her niece and SIL in the photos during the church service, than four men dressed in the same colour suits? As soon as the service is over my husband will be on all photos etc with the ushers.
as much as we agreed to this, she also invited all three of us to be part of the service so she surely needs to be flexible on some things to help us make this work for her?

her dad (my FIL) will be at the service also, but my daughter doesn’t see my husbands side of the family much due to distance and my daughter doesn’t really know him and won’t approach him so I can’t rely on him. My husband lost his mum some years ago, so we have no one on his side who can help us with our little one. No one that she feels comfortable around.

aibu to basically tell my SIL we’re going to sit together because we think it’s better if we manage our daughter together?

OP posts:
Thatboymum · 06/08/2023 01:02

I’m not sure why you need your dh there to help you care for your child in a 40 min window , surely you would just get up and take her outside? After all it’s his sisters day he should be there for her and be part of the photos with the other ushers. If I was the sil I’d assume you were being difficult and making the day about you if I’m being honest I wouldn’t be happy with you. I think you need to respect there seating plan you aren’t the first parent to be in this situation and won’t be the last im sure so suck it up

mondaytosunday · 06/08/2023 01:03

I don't understand why you can't hold on to your daughter for 40 minutes! Won't she be looking at her aunt and the pretty dress and all the other people? I took my 20 month old to Australia and managed to keep her quiet and entertained for 20 hours on my lap!
I think you are being unreasonable.

Clymene · 06/08/2023 01:03

She may be enthralled by the whole thing, you never know.

BreadInCaptivity · 06/08/2023 01:03

Have you tried to hold down a toddler for 40 minutes on your own and keep them quiet?!?! It’s not unreasonable to think this would be hard.

Yes - on a number of occasions including a few weddings.

Try doing it for 8 hours on a trans Atlantic flight. I survived (as did the passengers around me because I planned ahead).

That's difficult- a church wedding where you can take them outside is fine if it gets too much.

Albless · 06/08/2023 01:03

toddle19 · 06/08/2023 00:59

Oh no, without a doubt my husband would stay and I would leave with her. It was never going to be proposed that he would leave. We wouldn’t have it any other way. Once I leave I’ve been asked to stay outside just because I’ll have to walk back down the aisle to take my seat again which isn’t an option.

Show quote history

Who says you would need to stay outside if you had to take her out? No one should be telling you you can't come back into the church!

Magneta · 06/08/2023 01:03

No I wouldn't take it up with the bride. Just try to sit at the side, do your best and take her out if things get noisy. No one's expecting miracles, and no one's likely to be hurt or offended if you take her out and miss some of the ceremony.

dancingdaisies · 06/08/2023 01:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

alphajuliet123 · 06/08/2023 01:04

Please don’t get your phone out for her to play with during a wedding. 40 minutes will fly by, you’ll be fine, don’t mention it ti the bride again.

Flittingaboutagain · 06/08/2023 01:04

I was just a bridesmaid with my toddler a flower girl for my Aunt. I was allowed to sit wherever (I sat four rows from the front away from the other BM so that I could be near a window to entertain my toddler). She managed it all very well BUT it was a 20 min ceremony. Ask the bride where she'd prefer you to sit knowing you're definitely going to have to leave the room. The thing that is most likely to happen is she'll start shouting Daddy and get progressively more distressed until you take her away.

Original poster
toddle19 · 06/08/2023 01:04

FirstDayOfHoliyays · 06/08/2023 00:57

Wtf. Don't take toys and changing bags to the front of the church. Just hold your own kid or pass her back to someone, goodness me 😅

That’s the whole point of this post, there is no one else to pass her to!!

OP posts:
BreadInCaptivity · 06/08/2023 01:06

So if you have to go outside then come back in just stand at the back or side isle with her in your arms (again - been there done that).

No need to march up the isle to your seat again.

Ffsmakeitstop · 06/08/2023 01:06

Why can't you come back in and sit at the back? Although I don't have much patience with the demands that some brides have these days. It all seems to revolve around how things look and not the actual marriage.

lousyatchoosingnames · 06/08/2023 01:07

So kids ar always a pain at weddings, wandering around, getting bored, marking noise. Most people just accept it and don't mind. I assume there are other children coming?

Your daughter might even run from you over to her dad in the front row, which is totally acceptable, kids that age aren't expected to be silent for 40 minutes. If she's crying and intolerable, you will have to leave with her for a bit. Can you take something for her to play with?

I think it's fine the bride and groom opt to keep things As they are, they've been imagining and planning things for ages and when guests suggest things ti suit themselves, it an feel uncomfortable, your wedding day is pretty much the only day in your life when you choose everything.

Just go with the flow, take something to keep your child amused and enjoy the day. Don't stress about this minor issue. Kids are kids and no one will be expecting perfection.

Albless · 06/08/2023 01:07

Clymene · 06/08/2023 01:03

She may be enthralled by the whole thing, you never know.

She probably/hopefully will be.

On the other hand, some small children do love the wide open spaces of a church to run and run and run and run ... My DS was a runner, but fortunately, that was never a problem in church. As a minister, I've taken services with toddlers galloping round the communion table and joining me in the pulpit! And that's fine with me.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 06/08/2023 01:08

You're incredibly self-centred. This is such a non-issue and you've written an essay about how disappointed you are that the bride won't cater to your every whim.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 06/08/2023 01:09

Please do not take a phone and snacks into the ceremony for your child.

YABU, do not make this the bride's issue. Your anxieties are not her problem.

fullbloom87 · 06/08/2023 01:12

Why can't you manage for 40 minutes?

NancyDrooo · 06/08/2023 01:12

This should be a fleeting “bloody hell I hope she behaves but if she doesn’t I’ll take her outside” between you and your husband, rather than you speaking to the bride, your husband speaking to the bride, trying to change arrangements, creating obstacles.

QueenOfWeeds · 06/08/2023 01:12

I think it’s both, actually. Bride isn’t being unreasonable, but you’re trying to make the day less stressful and that’s ok too.

A few things to consider - have you raised the possibility that DD won’t want to participate at all on the day? Do you have a plan for that? Make sure you have a small bag of supplies (nappy, outfit change, toys) at the back of the church so you aren’t dragging everything down the aisle. If you leave, does SIL expect you to somehow merge into the leaving procession (are numbers of men and women balanced?), and if so how does she want that to work? Good luck.

sandyhappypeople · 06/08/2023 01:13

I just had my DHs brothers wedding and our 2.5dd was supposed to be bridesmaid, I said no quite early on in conversations as you can’t get a toddler to do anything they don’t want to do! And I didn’t want the stress of wrangling her on the day!

Much to my PIL disappointment, we sat on the back row, but she would have been fine with just me if DH was more involved in the ceremony as I’m the default parent anyway, she sat on my knee a bit then played on the floor for a while, we bought her a new tub of animals we were passing to her to keep her busy! But I was prepared to go straight out if she was noisy at all, it went better than I expected in fairness. Passing a toddler around at the front would be very disruptive and distracting, you should really sit at the far end of that front aisle and go to the back / out if you need to, DH could sit at the far end of his aisle and leave if you really need him but I don’t see why it would take two of you? I think you should be able to manage as long as you’ve got an exit strategy, and you’re not trying to MAKE her be quiet and sit still.

Batalax · 06/08/2023 01:13

I understand your anxiety.

if you need to, take her out but definitely go back into the back of the church if you can.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 06/08/2023 01:13

With a week to go you've left it too late to "train" your DD. It is far easier to teach a toddler to stay quiet for the length of a service if you do this on a weekly basis.

My DSs learned to stay relatively quiet during services. I used to have little containers full of raisins (quietest snack and chewy enough to last a bit) and books for him. I also had some rubber wheeled cars (from France) that didn't make a noise - go through your DD's toys and find which ones are quiet if banged on the floor etc. you'd be surprised how different toys you normally think are quiet sound during a church service.

Tinkerbyebye · 06/08/2023 01:14

does your child have contact with your parents! Or close friends? Could one of them come and sit behind you to help out?

fullbloom87 · 06/08/2023 01:14

I attended a family wedding with my daughter when was 6 weeks, I also had my 2 year daughter as well. Their dad was best man on the other side of the church. I was fine. You'll be fine.

Original poster
toddle19 · 06/08/2023 01:15

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 06/08/2023 01:08

You're incredibly self-centred. This is such a non-issue and you've written an essay about how disappointed you are that the bride won't cater to your every whim.

That’s not really true is it. I’ve written some paragraphs to put context around why I’m worried my toddler is going to be a very big handful (if you’d spent 5 minutes with her you would understand) and is it crappy to ask the bride if she minds whether my husband sits on the opposite side of the room so he can help keep her busy. His idea, and his choice to want to raise it with his sister in the first place.

OP posts: