Is the bride right to have her way or am I being too sensitive?

[toddle19]

My SIL gets married next week and she
asked myself, my husband (her older brother) and our 19month old daughter to be part of wedding party - Bridesmaid, usher and flower girl - And we’re absolutely thrilled to play a part in their day.

one thing I didn’t think about until a couple of months ago is how hard having a very strong willed 19 month old at the wedding ceremony would be! And now it’s really stressing me out.

We’ve been told on the day I’m on one side of the church with the bridesmaids and my daughter (the front row) and my husband is over the other side sat with the ushers. The more I’ve thought about this the more I’m panicking that I won’t be able to make it through a 30-40 minute service managing my daughter on my own. We’ve been told no prams in the ceremony, so she’ll be on my lap the whole time which is obviously not going to happen for 40 minutes. I will have some space beside me which I can put her changing bag and I will have a few toys, my phone and snacks for her but as she’s very mobile I’ve got to somehow manage to not let her run off too 🤯 ultimately I’ll end up leaving the ceremony as soon as little one gets too much, which is fine and I’ve not got an issue with that if it comes to it.

today I asked the bride if she would be okay if my husband sat behind me in the service, next to his grandma and auntie so if my little one gets bored of me I can pass her back to her dad and so forth. This will give me the best chance of making it through the service and seeing her get married. My SIL said she’d rather he sat on the front with the ushers as she wants all ushers together on the photos. I didn’t press her on this.

i just feel a bit let down by this, and I know I shouldn’t as she wants her day to be perfect and so do I. She doesn’t have children, so I do get that she can’t imagine how hard managing a 19 month old can be and see things from my point of view. But would it not occur to her that in 15 years time when she looks at her wedding photos would she not rather have her niece and SIL in the photos during the church service, than four men dressed in the same colour suits? As soon as the service is over my husband will be on all photos etc with the ushers.
as much as we agreed to this, she also invited all three of us to be part of the service so she surely needs to be flexible on some things to help us make this work for her?

her dad (my FIL) will be at the service also, but my daughter doesn’t see my husbands side of the family much due to distance and my daughter doesn’t really know him and won’t approach him so I can’t rely on him. My husband lost his mum some years ago, so we have no one on his side who can help us with our little one. No one that she feels comfortable around.

aibu to basically tell my SIL we’re going to sit together because we think it’s better if we manage our daughter together?

Toddlers wandering around during a wedding service are only cute to their own parents.

How many times has an ever so cute toddler become the focus at an event that has any sort of ceremony, by "escaping" from a parent and is too fast for the parent to catch them.
Absolutely adorable,or so their parents think .
Op you will be fine.just be ready to make a quick exit if it looks like your toddler is getting too restless,
but make that exit before your child finds her feet and bolts .it's not cute.and it is the bride and grooms day, let them be the centre of attention.

I have, 40 minutes is nothing, try entertaining a 14 month on on a 9 hour flight, its hard but very doable. But then my children were very used to go to church from toddlers I would always position myself near a door so that I could get up when needed.

your completely over thinking it, you will be fine. My page boy (nephew) was apparently being a pest in the ceremony at my wedding and I didn’t even notice. Flower girls/page boys are usually very young and it’s really not the end of the world if she gets a bit fussy, everyone knows what toddlers are like. Don’t take a changing bag with toys or anything as faffing about with stuff will be distracting.

14 hour flight is different. They are allowed to talk.

9 hour sorry

Why are quiet toys - a brioche snack or phone /iPad with headphones rude at a wedding

It's a toddler

*Why are quiet toys - a brioche snack or phone /iPad with headphones rude at a wedding

It's a toddler*

I know?

When I was planning my wedding (didn’t get married in the end), I had my own would be toddler and family members who were toddlers/young kids. A few quiet toys and a snack is not something I’d have at all consider rude. Events like weddings can seem overly long and overwhelming for some kids/people in general.

I’m confused and embarrassed on this one too.
we didn’t do iPad, but we did do little biscuits, raisins, tiny toy cars and cuddly toys at a wedding
we were commended for the good behaviour.

especially when the ones behind were kicking off and not removed

i took them for a nap whilst photos were being done (dh was needed for them). Back for the meal and speeches

OP I get your worries. I had 4 weddings last year with my DS2 being only 3 months old at the first and my DS1 being just under 4. I had a bag of chocolate buttons which I gave them regularly, if there's a TV program she likes could you download that and she watch it on mute, or with headphones?
Sometimes the excitement of the ceremony itself keeps them quiet!

I can understand that you feel anxious, I think it's best not to put any stress on the bride and just go along with her plan and leave as and when you need to.

Mine were the same at that age, and would not have sat still or quietly, no matter what distractions were in place. Looking back, I think a lot of my anxiety and stress stemmed from a frustration that I was missing out on stuff that I felt like I 'should' be able to do. With hindsight I'd say actually my kids were not that unusual for toddlers, most people were understanding, and it wasn't the end of the world. But I really struggled with the feeling that I'd been demoted to some kind of nanny role, which I didn't want, and was failing at.

Please don't be

@VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji

Literally church goer after church goer and a priest have been on here saying it's fine and usual.

A priest suggested the brioche.

Please don't worry. Thousands do it, I've certainly done it. It goes with the territory. Literally no one would even bat an eyelid.

It's no substitute for taking a crying child out though, obviously. The main thing is you don't disturb the ceremony.

Its literally a strange comment on here.

Don't understand why some people think all toddlers are alike.

We missed the whole of our nephews christening because DS would not even sit down, let alone be quiet. Ended up walking round outside the church in the rain. DS must have been between 2 and 3 at the time.

We were only able to watch my BIL get married because we let DS watch the Clangers on a tablet (sound off!)

On both occasions I think he was very over excited at being around relatives he didn't see very often, and being with his older cousin who he idolised at the time.

I don't blame you for being concerned OP, you know your DD and how she's likely to act. But in the end you might just have to leave and wait outside.

@EilonwyWithRedGoldHair Don't understand why some people think all toddlers are alike.

Because no one has actually said they are, no one has said the toddler needs to sit still and quiet for the entire time, in fact most people have said the toddler probably won’t and OP will have to take her out. That’s literally the only option. Faffing about moving the DH so he can’t be a part of the wedding properly just to avoid OP taking her own DD out is utter madness.

I sympathise as I'd struggle to keep my toddler in line for 5 minutes in a church, let alone 40 minutes. I'd feel anxious about it too. This isn't about parenting, my DS would have been fine, by DD, not because she's a different personality. All the people saying "I can keep my toddler quiet for xyz hours" should get off their high horses. Just because your toddler will cooperate, doesn't mean everyone's will, and that's not because you're a superior parent!!

However there's no way I'd bring it up with the bride. It's her day, not yours and she wants her brother's full focus on the wedding. Also, even if your husband were sitting near you, doesn't mean your daughter would cooperative for 40 minutes. It'd probably just mean that both you and your DH were distracted, rather than just you. You need to handle this on your own.

The sarcastic “try doing a 35-hour flight” posts are so strange. I would approach entertaining a toddler on a long flight completely differently to a church wedding ceremony - many aspects of the wedding ceremony being easier but a few being harder. They are very different scenarios.

remember this is SIL big day and what she wants, just duck out of your daughter needs some fresh air, maybe simulate with her toys what happens in a wedding (like them up seated and say her favourite toy is the bride and how happy she is and the others need to be quiet and still for her in the service).
I think we need to play our part or more weddings will be child free soon.

You are being ridiculous, you’ve got a toddler not a wild animal. Obviously you can’t expect her to rearrange the seating plans so you can have your husband help you entertain your child for 40 minutes. I’ve never heard anything so bizarre, would it really be the end of the world if your daughter had a wander around if she can’t sit still

you’ve got a toddler not a wild animal.

Crying 😁

Though tbh never met mine.

How was it @toddle19

I am also wondering about the outcome.

Oh yes hope you managed ok?

Oh yes hope you managed ok?