Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is the bride right to have her way or am I being too sensitive?

548 replies

toddle19 · 06/08/2023 00:44

My SIL gets married next week and she
asked myself, my husband (her older brother) and our 19month old daughter to be part of wedding party - Bridesmaid, usher and flower girl - And we’re absolutely thrilled to play a part in their day.

one thing I didn’t think about until a couple of months ago is how hard having a very strong willed 19 month old at the wedding ceremony would be! And now it’s really stressing me out.

We’ve been told on the day I’m on one side of the church with the bridesmaids and my daughter (the front row) and my husband is over the other side sat with the ushers. The more I’ve thought about this the more I’m panicking that I won’t be able to make it through a 30-40 minute service managing my daughter on my own. We’ve been told no prams in the ceremony, so she’ll be on my lap the whole time which is obviously not going to happen for 40 minutes. I will have some space beside me which I can put her changing bag and I will have a few toys, my phone and snacks for her but as she’s very mobile I’ve got to somehow manage to not let her run off too 🤯 ultimately I’ll end up leaving the ceremony as soon as little one gets too much, which is fine and I’ve not got an issue with that if it comes to it.

today I asked the bride if she would be okay if my husband sat behind me in the service, next to his grandma and auntie so if my little one gets bored of me I can pass her back to her dad and so forth. This will give me the best chance of making it through the service and seeing her get married. My SIL said she’d rather he sat on the front with the ushers as she wants all ushers together on the photos. I didn’t press her on this.

i just feel a bit let down by this, and I know I shouldn’t as she wants her day to be perfect and so do I. She doesn’t have children, so I do get that she can’t imagine how hard managing a 19 month old can be and see things from my point of view. But would it not occur to her that in 15 years time when she looks at her wedding photos would she not rather have her niece and SIL in the photos during the church service, than four men dressed in the same colour suits? As soon as the service is over my husband will be on all photos etc with the ushers.
as much as we agreed to this, she also invited all three of us to be part of the service so she surely needs to be flexible on some things to help us make this work for her?

her dad (my FIL) will be at the service also, but my daughter doesn’t see my husbands side of the family much due to distance and my daughter doesn’t really know him and won’t approach him so I can’t rely on him. My husband lost his mum some years ago, so we have no one on his side who can help us with our little one. No one that she feels comfortable around.

aibu to basically tell my SIL we’re going to sit together because we think it’s better if we manage our daughter together?

OP posts:
Mumuser124 · 06/08/2023 01:36

*have

Hawkins009 · 06/08/2023 01:38

All the best op

WandaWonder · 06/08/2023 01:38

Why not just take them out if playing up, it is not a big issue people cope in weddings all the time

Holidayvibes · 06/08/2023 01:39

toddle19 · 06/08/2023 01:35

I think you’re right. I’m just so over overly anxious about it all now I’m just dreading the whole thing. Every scenario I play in my head starts with her having a meltdown. I cant even think positively anymore which is definitely not helping.

Show quote history

As someone who got overly anxious anytime my dd was having a melt down and she had many, it’s only bad for you. Now she’s gown a bit, albeit a hard work 7 year old, when I see or hear other people’s children I think wow is that what I was stressed about 🤯 Think it’s a different sound to the mothers ears when it’s their own I honestly do!

shams05 · 06/08/2023 01:40

She might surprise you op and sit very quietly because she'll be surrounded by strangers.
I hope things go well, of course you're worried and it's completely natural to do so but hopefully those 40 minutes will fly by

Original poster
toddle19 · 06/08/2023 01:42

Ohthatsabitshit · 06/08/2023 01:33

Can you not take her for a walk first?

Honestly MOST weddings have a large number of under fives because that tends to be the age group of friends/sibs of the bride and groom. Lots of people take their children out to church on a Sunday, or all over the place. 40 mins on your lap isn’t that long. Are they particularly in child friendly people?

I think it’s more the fact that I know she won’t last 40 minutes in one place, not because im a crap mum, just because I know my daughter.
there will be other kids there so hopefully she won’t be the chattiest one! And if she does run off I just hope they find it funny!
i would say they are not child friendly, although they of course do love their niece very much.

OP posts:
alphajuliet123 · 06/08/2023 01:43

toddle19 · 06/08/2023 01:35

I think you’re right. I’m just so over overly anxious about it all now I’m just dreading the whole thing. Every scenario I play in my head starts with her having a meltdown. I cant even think positively anymore which is definitely not helping.

Show quote history

Ok well look, you can’t do much about it, you’re on a wing and a prayer on the day, could go either way! You’ve kind of warned the bride and you have an escape plan so just don’t sweat it.

Take a pot of snacks, maybe a colouring pad she can scribble on, favourer toy… just do anything you need do occupy her. Will there be hymns? Each of those gives you/her a few minutes of noise time. And have a glass of wine before the service, you’ll feel more relaxed.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 06/08/2023 01:44

toddle19 · 06/08/2023 01:35

I think you’re right. I’m just so over overly anxious about it all now I’m just dreading the whole thing. Every scenario I play in my head starts with her having a meltdown. I cant even think positively anymore which is definitely not helping.

Show quote history

Try not be get too anxious (easier said than done) because you won't enjoy the day then. You are obviously ready to remove your DD if/when she becomes disruptive but hopefully you won't miss too much of the ceremony. She will probably dance during the hymns, sing during the prayers and destroy your hair/bouquet. She will charm everyone but hopefully not upstage the bride

Original poster
toddle19 · 06/08/2023 01:45

shams05 · 06/08/2023 01:40

She might surprise you op and sit very quietly because she'll be surrounded by strangers.
I hope things go well, of course you're worried and it's completely natural to do so but hopefully those 40 minutes will fly by

Thank you, this is very helpful 💕

OP posts:
Emeraldrings · 06/08/2023 01:45

A lot of posters are being unfair. No two toddlers are the same. I have 3 children. My two eldest were 4 and 2 when they were flower girls but luckily SIL was understanding that they might not take part or I might leave early. They were fine

My DS on the other hand, I would worry. But see how it goes, ir might be fine. The trouble with your plan is that if DD is going to be difficult will she really settle with her dad? If she wants to run around it won't matter who she's sat with.
Surely you'll be called back for the photos anyway?

GoingGoingUp · 06/08/2023 01:48

Are you for real? You want the bride and groom to break away from what they want to do because you want your husband behind you, so you can pass your child back and forth, which is a lot more disruptive, than getting up and leaving if she becomes fussy, which is the logical thing to do?

Yes, you are being massively sensitive, and entitled too.

It’s not your sister, it’s your husband’s sister. Let him enjoy his sister’s wedding whilst you look after your child for 40 mins. Yes, toddlers are hard work, but it 40 minutes doesn’t need a team effort.

Shutuptrevor · 06/08/2023 01:50

I would take a packet of sweets that come in small bits, to make them last as long as possible and a new toy that has some sort of non-noisy exploration potential.
Wrangle her for first ten mins, then sweets for next ten, then toy for next ten, then you’re on the home straight.
Good luck :)

Original poster
toddle19 · 06/08/2023 01:50

GoingGoingUp · 06/08/2023 01:48

Are you for real? You want the bride and groom to break away from what they want to do because you want your husband behind you, so you can pass your child back and forth, which is a lot more disruptive, than getting up and leaving if she becomes fussy, which is the logical thing to do?

Yes, you are being massively sensitive, and entitled too.

It’s not your sister, it’s your husband’s sister. Let him enjoy his sister’s wedding whilst you look after your child for 40 mins. Yes, toddlers are hard work, but it 40 minutes doesn’t need a team effort.

As I mentioned, it was my husband’s idea!!

OP posts:
GoingGoingUp · 06/08/2023 01:52

toddle19 · 06/08/2023 01:50

As I mentioned, it was my husband’s idea!!

Show quote history

I suspect because you’re the one making a big deal out of it.

Ohthatsabitshit · 06/08/2023 01:52

Does it have pews?

I I don’t think you’re a “crap mum” I’m just genuinely surprised you don’t do this fairly often in other situations.

I have a larger family so obviously baby on lap isn’t novel.
Take a large scarf/shawl, so useful for hiding/protecting clothing, and for your little girl to hide under.
Take toys but choose them carefully. Pom-poms are silent if dropped,
snacks are good but again choose well, nothing crunchy or sticky

sugarrosepetal · 06/08/2023 01:53

If your toddler likes to colour in, could you give the guest that's likely to sit behind you one of those Crayola magic colour kits before the ceremony, to hand over to you once you've sat down (if she's starting to kick off)? That would keep her occupied and keep her outfit free from any colouring marks.

Blondewithredlips · 06/08/2023 01:54

toddle19 · 06/08/2023 00:56

Have you tried to hold down a toddler for 40 minutes on your own and keep them quiet?!?! It’s not unreasonable to think this would be hard.

Show quote history

Yes I have many times. YABU. Let your SIL have her day with her brother where she wants.

user1471481356 · 06/08/2023 01:56

Can you not just sit at the back so you can quickly run outside if needed? Or she can potter about quietly at the back? Will a phone and snacks not keep her busy for a while?

declutteringmymind · 06/08/2023 01:57

Can you rope someone in a few pews down to take her and entertain her discreetly?

Chocolate?

momonpurpose · 06/08/2023 02:00

GADDay · 06/08/2023 00:49

You can't manage your own child for 40 minutes?

This MUST be a reverse.

Right! It HAS to be a reverse

Ladyj84 · 06/08/2023 02:01

Eh you can't manage one child for 40minutes try 3 all same age and no problems when we went to my brother's wedding recently because we always practice sitting at home anyhow with reading etc. I had no choice as hubby was best man down the front and I was middle with all 3. The twins 16month sat each side of me and son almost 2 sat on my knee was a lovely day

Blondewithredlips · 06/08/2023 02:02

toddle19 · 06/08/2023 01:42

I think it’s more the fact that I know she won’t last 40 minutes in one place, not because im a crap mum, just because I know my daughter.
there will be other kids there so hopefully she won’t be the chattiest one! And if she does run off I just hope they find it funny!
i would say they are not child friendly, although they of course do love their niece very much.

Show quote history

I don't think bride and groom will find your child being chatty or running off funny. You may think it is funny but she could ruin their wedding. If she starts to disrupt the wedding take her out. I have seen weddings ruined by people not taking their child out. TBH you sound like hard work and rather entitled.

JMSA · 06/08/2023 02:05

Ladyj84 · 06/08/2023 02:01

Eh you can't manage one child for 40minutes try 3 all same age and no problems when we went to my brother's wedding recently because we always practice sitting at home anyhow with reading etc. I had no choice as hubby was best man down the front and I was middle with all 3. The twins 16month sat each side of me and son almost 2 sat on my knee was a lovely day

It's not a bloody competition Confused
Whether you think she's being unreasonable or not, the OP is allowed to feel a bit of anxiety over this.

Namechangedforthis25 · 06/08/2023 02:06

toddle19 · 06/08/2023 01:15

That’s not really true is it. I’ve written some paragraphs to put context around why I’m worried my toddler is going to be a very big handful (if you’d spent 5 minutes with her you would understand) and is it crappy to ask the bride if she minds whether my husband sits on the opposite side of the room so he can help keep her busy. His idea, and his choice to want to raise it with his sister in the first place.

Show quote history

this isn’t your wedding or your day and you are seeming pretty self centred

it was an odd thing to ask the bride this - but really quite off to now be annoyed at her response

I get the anxiety but leave and go to the back so you can take toddler out if there is noise

the bride wants her brother to be upfront and next to the ushers for the photos - it’s her day not yours

Namechangedforthis25 · 06/08/2023 02:08

And why would they be child friendly if they don’t have children

Its their wedding