Is the bride right to have her way or am I being too sensitive?

[toddle19]

My SIL gets married next week and she
asked myself, my husband (her older brother) and our 19month old daughter to be part of wedding party - Bridesmaid, usher and flower girl - And we’re absolutely thrilled to play a part in their day.

one thing I didn’t think about until a couple of months ago is how hard having a very strong willed 19 month old at the wedding ceremony would be! And now it’s really stressing me out.

We’ve been told on the day I’m on one side of the church with the bridesmaids and my daughter (the front row) and my husband is over the other side sat with the ushers. The more I’ve thought about this the more I’m panicking that I won’t be able to make it through a 30-40 minute service managing my daughter on my own. We’ve been told no prams in the ceremony, so she’ll be on my lap the whole time which is obviously not going to happen for 40 minutes. I will have some space beside me which I can put her changing bag and I will have a few toys, my phone and snacks for her but as she’s very mobile I’ve got to somehow manage to not let her run off too 🤯 ultimately I’ll end up leaving the ceremony as soon as little one gets too much, which is fine and I’ve not got an issue with that if it comes to it.

today I asked the bride if she would be okay if my husband sat behind me in the service, next to his grandma and auntie so if my little one gets bored of me I can pass her back to her dad and so forth. This will give me the best chance of making it through the service and seeing her get married. My SIL said she’d rather he sat on the front with the ushers as she wants all ushers together on the photos. I didn’t press her on this.

i just feel a bit let down by this, and I know I shouldn’t as she wants her day to be perfect and so do I. She doesn’t have children, so I do get that she can’t imagine how hard managing a 19 month old can be and see things from my point of view. But would it not occur to her that in 15 years time when she looks at her wedding photos would she not rather have her niece and SIL in the photos during the church service, than four men dressed in the same colour suits? As soon as the service is over my husband will be on all photos etc with the ushers.
as much as we agreed to this, she also invited all three of us to be part of the service so she surely needs to be flexible on some things to help us make this work for her?

her dad (my FIL) will be at the service also, but my daughter doesn’t see my husbands side of the family much due to distance and my daughter doesn’t really know him and won’t approach him so I can’t rely on him. My husband lost his mum some years ago, so we have no one on his side who can help us with our little one. No one that she feels comfortable around.

aibu to basically tell my SIL we’re going to sit together because we think it’s better if we manage our daughter together?

She hasn't said that, at all!

She is worrying about how her kid will cope. And how she can manage that.

Of course toddlers are a handful. That's not unique to your child. You need to figure out a way to handle her for 30 minutes. You are her mother.

I have a 20 month old DD and I wouldn't overthink this. You're worrying over nothing. Take her out if she gets too noisy but I expect that the congregation won't expect 40 mins silence from a 19 month old. Take her hand and let her have a little toddle about and if she starts screaming nip out with her. No big deal.

It won't look good if you demand to sit together and I'd be doubtful if it's any less disruptive.

Literally nothing which is why I’m worried. The wedding is about 5 hrs away so parents won’t be there and there’s no one else.
ill just have to take her out, which is fine, but was hoping to not have to make a scene and walk all the way back up the aisle with a toddler arching her back and pulling 🙈😂

Church weddings are "public" and anyone can go to the ceremony regardless if whether they have been invited to. So I'd ask a friend or a relative to go and sit at the back and they can take your dd out if necessary.

Can you not just sit in the back or stand by the door if you have to come back? Or just let her play outside for a few minutes til the ceremony ends?

Well I dont, I can obviously leave the ceremony whenever I want. But it would have been nice to have a solution available to us where my husband and I both felt i had the best possible chance of seeing my sil get married. Of course leave the service is an easy win.

yes I think I will just take her out when she starts getting niggly and just wait outside for my husband there

Of course you can sit with your child on your lap for 40 minutes without special accommodations. Do you not spend much time with her usually? Why do you need the changing bag and a support adult to “hand her to”?

I think it was very brave (or possibly foolish) to ask your daughter to be a flower girl. However, try to keep calm and all of you enjoy the day. The bride has said what she would like and you have to respect that. Is there a side aisle that you can use if you need to take your daughter out? And their will be lots of a 40 minute service when you could come back in without being disruptive, particularly if you stay at the back of the church. Your daughter may discover someone sitting behind you that she can make faces at, or suddenly become best friends with another bridesmaid or the bride's auntie. Plan as best you can but be ready for the unexpected

i don’t see how you DH sitting with you
would be a solution though, if she was agitated to the point of passing back and forth that is already too much of a disruption and you should be going out, or hopefully just to the back so you can still see! You need to let your DH have this one really as it’s his side of the family.

i’m really not getting why you think your s’n’law would prefer a photo of you rather than her brother regardless of the colour of his suit and the fact he’s wearing the same suit as three others. He’s her brither

That's the best plan, passing a fussy toddler around to other people is just prolonging the disruption to the service. You need to be up and on your way out at the first grizzle, don't wait until it progresses to the back arching stage!

Are you bored? Have a glass of wine, it might help.

I can't think of a single friend or colleague that has a toddler that wouldn't be fretting a bit about keeping their kid quiet/entertained at a church wedding.

Just been to a wedding and my dd was flower girl. The ages (both flower girls and ushers) ranged from 10months to 7. They were all amazing. The 10 month old called out a couple of times, tried to pull someone’s fascinator off and was a typical 10 month old. Everyone in the row behind helped with the children by simple things like pulling faces to having a hold for a short while. Everyone was happy, it was a beautiful day and children will be children. They all got so much praise for being amazing. The bride and all guests knew what to expect when children are involved, if they want absolute silence and military precision don’t involve children! Try to stop stressing out about what might happen. There will be lots of distractions with people, new place, flowers, music. It might not be as difficult as you think. Worst case scenario you leave early, not a big deal. Her wedding her rules I think.

Seriously? I can’t think of a single one that would find it particularly hard.

You seem to have already decided this is going to happen. How about being more optimistic, but having a plan b just in case?

Hahaha I would love to see you try with my daughter. She’s an absolute tornado. Do you think I’d be asking this if I thought she would happily sit quietly. She wont sit for more than five minutes. She will run, very fast.

Exactly! Who has an 18 month old who will sit still and be quiet for 40 mins? The only chance of that happening would be if they were asleep

Can you not take her for a walk first?

Honestly MOST weddings have a large number of under fives because that tends to be the age group of friends/sibs of the bride and groom. Lots of people take their children out to church on a Sunday, or all over the place. 40 mins on your lap isn’t that long. Are they particularly in child friendly people?

The answer is simple. Amuse her and keep her quiet as long as you can. If she becomes disruptive, leave. I get that it seems daunting. But many people can and do sit with children this age every week in church services. So I promise you it can be done. You aren't the first person to have a loud wriggly toddler. It will be ok.

It's certainly not normal for toddlers to sit in silence for 10 minutes, yet alone 40, certainly not in a new place with unfamiliar people and strange things happening! These replies suggesting 19 month olds tend to sit smiling on their parents' laps for long periods must be from a far off lala planet.

Also, they clearly haven't read the OP and understood that SIL doesn't understand this about toddlers either, so might not be happy with normal toddler noise and disruption.

OP, I suggest just letting SIL know that your daughter might get restless and offering to leave the service until after the wedding if so. That way she can suggest alternatives if she wishes, or can tell you that's fine. Then it's all covered.

Of course leave the service is an easy win

No its simply part and parcel of being the parent to a toddler.

At that age they are all somewhat manic and unpredictable.

Your child isn't unique in that respect.

I'm not totally unsympathetic in the sense that the expectation that a toddler can be quiet for that length of time without any stimulation is ridiculous.

That said, you should be able to manage her for 40 mins and be prepared to go outside (and then sit/stand) at the back if needed (and FGS do not start a nappy change mid service at the front of the church even behind a pew - you won't be forgiven if the memory of the wedding is baby poo smell). Leave a nappy kit at the back (or better still in the car that you arrange to park next to the church).

I think you’re right. I’m just so over overly anxious about it all now I’m just dreading the whole thing. Every scenario I play in my head starts with her having a meltdown. I cant even think positively anymore which is definitely not helping.

Honestly?! I can only imagine the posters who are shocked OP is slightly concerned about this I’ve forgotten what it is like to have a toddler.

All the posts suggesting she should be able to manage a 19 month toddler in a church for 40 minutes on her lap without a fuss are incredibly delusional. children do not give a monkeys about social etiquette at this age.

OP I think your only option is to take your phone, some toys and possible some sweets. She may surprise you and have a cuddle for a while but I imagine you will have to leave the ceremony at some point.

My husband had to leave my grandmothers funeral because our 21month old wasn’t playing ball. Skip forward to a month before his 3rd birthday and he was a dream at my best friends wedding, he sat beautifully on my knee.

Good luck!