Is the bride right to have her way or am I being too sensitive?

[toddle19]

My SIL gets married next week and she
asked myself, my husband (her older brother) and our 19month old daughter to be part of wedding party - Bridesmaid, usher and flower girl - And we’re absolutely thrilled to play a part in their day.

one thing I didn’t think about until a couple of months ago is how hard having a very strong willed 19 month old at the wedding ceremony would be! And now it’s really stressing me out.

We’ve been told on the day I’m on one side of the church with the bridesmaids and my daughter (the front row) and my husband is over the other side sat with the ushers. The more I’ve thought about this the more I’m panicking that I won’t be able to make it through a 30-40 minute service managing my daughter on my own. We’ve been told no prams in the ceremony, so she’ll be on my lap the whole time which is obviously not going to happen for 40 minutes. I will have some space beside me which I can put her changing bag and I will have a few toys, my phone and snacks for her but as she’s very mobile I’ve got to somehow manage to not let her run off too 🤯 ultimately I’ll end up leaving the ceremony as soon as little one gets too much, which is fine and I’ve not got an issue with that if it comes to it.

today I asked the bride if she would be okay if my husband sat behind me in the service, next to his grandma and auntie so if my little one gets bored of me I can pass her back to her dad and so forth. This will give me the best chance of making it through the service and seeing her get married. My SIL said she’d rather he sat on the front with the ushers as she wants all ushers together on the photos. I didn’t press her on this.

i just feel a bit let down by this, and I know I shouldn’t as she wants her day to be perfect and so do I. She doesn’t have children, so I do get that she can’t imagine how hard managing a 19 month old can be and see things from my point of view. But would it not occur to her that in 15 years time when she looks at her wedding photos would she not rather have her niece and SIL in the photos during the church service, than four men dressed in the same colour suits? As soon as the service is over my husband will be on all photos etc with the ushers.
as much as we agreed to this, she also invited all three of us to be part of the service so she surely needs to be flexible on some things to help us make this work for her?

her dad (my FIL) will be at the service also, but my daughter doesn’t see my husbands side of the family much due to distance and my daughter doesn’t really know him and won’t approach him so I can’t rely on him. My husband lost his mum some years ago, so we have no one on his side who can help us with our little one. No one that she feels comfortable around.

aibu to basically tell my SIL we’re going to sit together because we think it’s better if we manage our daughter together?

Please don't take noisy toys and claptrap to the front pew. For god's sake.

The baby should be taken away before the ceremony starts. Either by OP, a hired sitter:nanny or some relative. She has no reason to stay in the pew.

Yes very unreasonable. The bride and groom are allowed to say where people can sit. And passing a toddler back and forth is likely to be disruptive, better that you leave if needs be. And do you really need a changing bag beside you for a thirty minute ceremony!

Oh, come on…sitting in the front of a church with a 19 month old expecting her to behave for 40 minutes? I’d be nervous too.

Single parent. Have done everything on my own. No weddings but did a funeral and a couple of christenings, school plays and theatres.
You don’t need your DH to parent your child for 40 minutes. Take them out if they get loud, let them amuse themselves quietly otherwise.

I went to a wedding last year that was ruined by a few sets of screaming/ crying kids with both parents present. They passed the child between them rather than making the decision to leave the room. Even spoilt the vows. Not sure how the wedding video came out but their lack of awareness is there for prosperity.

Jeezz, it's almost like no one has kids on this thread! You have to be daft not to understand the issue with asking a 19 months old to stay still and quiet for 40-50 min. Even if yours was able to do that, surely you have seen what other toddlers can look like?

YANBU, I would absolutely refuse to seat at the front with my toddler in these conditions. There is no chance he stays on my lap, he would be running around within 15 min.
I'm getting married in a couple of weeks and we are slowly getting used to the idea that our 19 months old won't be attending at all because it won't be manageable.

I think you need to be very clear with the bride that you will probably have to leave half way through, but unfortunately there isn't much you can do. Relax though, it's disappointing but it is what it is with kids that age, and you can still enjoy the rest of the wedding!

It will probably be okay but, if it's not, I'd just leave with the toddler and stay outside the church. You have explained your concerns to your SIL and she still wants it how she wants it, so now you just do what you need to do if the toddler gets fussy and take them out. If SIL doesn't like that, you've done your best to give her the bridal party she wants, the way she wants, and show consideration of her ceremony.

As you are also a significant part of the wedding party can you ask a member of your family or a friend familiar with your child to attend the church to be a take child outside backup? Perhaps they could sit in the row behind to be at hand?

check if there is crèche room too.

Why not have a tiny chair with your daughter's soft toys, soft books and some water and snacks tucked in the corner near your front pew? Your lap would not be able to cope for 40 minutes.

Have duplicate water, snacks and toy with a trusted person behind you at the back who is not as related to the bride and groom. That person can take over from you when your duties prevail if you are at the back or outside the church due to a toddler melt down. Include emergency medication like paracetamol and antihistamine as well as wipes, nappies etc. in case your daughter developes a sore ear or gets bitten by an insect the hours before the ceremony.
I would also advise keeping your daughter well rested and fed; sometimes one loses track of time during a busy function.

Your daughter may be perfectly behaved - quiet and happy - but go naturally to her Dad and that should be fine. So make sure he knows where the kit is at the back too.

Oh the names that would be called and the disdain expressed if this was a man who couldn't look after his child for 40 minutes and needed his wife to come and look after the child!

A 19 month old is very young to be a flower girl. I would have your mother / a babysitter come and take her out as soon as her 'role' is over.

Young children are taken many places where they have to stay contained. However I would go with a caregiver outside the ceremony over that especially given your lack of confidence in being able to look after your daughter. Seems like a self fulfilling prophecy of a disaster.

Why the unkind comments? The OP is just pointing out the realistic expectations for a child so young and is worried about how she will manage them through such a formal ceremony. A child so young is going to be determined to get down and move around, their concentration levels do not expand to the length of a wedding ceremony. I would go in with the attitude and the expectation that at some point you will need to leave to allow your little one time to stretch their legs and get some fresh air. Try to relax and not stress. Follow the lead of your little one, if they have had enough, they have had enough! Trying to force them to unrealistically conform will ruin the day for all of you. Good luck!

I dont know why people are being so nasty about this, When my son was 19 months he was very, very mobile and squirmy. It was just his personality, not my inadequate parenting, as his brother was the complete opposite- calm as a cucumber. OP- just sit where she wants you to and if you have to leave then so be it. She can hardly complain about that when she has told you where to sit can she? I understand you're anxious but thats really all you can do.

Op I was at a wedding recently and there was a toddler in front of our row who was super interested in all the people sitting in my row. So I think hopefully in your case, those people sat next to and behind you will sense if your toddler is getting noisy and will help you.

at the wedding I was at, We all helped with making faces / light engagement with the toddler who was enthralled by all the new strange faces and kept quiet while she sussed us out.

not all toddlers are the same, but i think other people will help you if needed.

good luck x

If you can afford it, could you check out a local babysitting service to take her for a walk during the ceremony.

I managed our toddler for a whole wedding when my DH photographed one for our friends. It was fine. She was bouncy but not noisy. I just moved to the back and say out of the way during the back end of the ceremony and it was fine. You’re just parenting as you would any other day. You know what to do.

have you read the AIBU and the comments??
Very few people are saying they expect a 19 month old will necessarily stay still and quiet for 40-50 mins.
( They might be interested/ distracted by the ceremony, new people, find something to play quietly with, be tired and just want to chill in lap etc., but that’s not necessarily the case and they won’t necessarily last the whole way).
However, people are saying that it’s ridiculous that OP needs her partner there to manage the situation , after all- if toddler is in riot mode, that won’t help anyway.
Bride has already agreed that OP may need to leave with tot if they make a disruption. In the meantime OP does her best. It’s not a lot to ask OP to manage her own tot for 40 mins alone at a close family wedding 🙄.
OP is unreasonable for being “disappointed” in the bride and proposing to make a fuss about seating after bride has already said her wishes .

Do you tend to get very anxious op?
I ask as I do get really anxious about things and ruminate on all the what-ifs in any situation- and it sounds a little bit like this is what is happening here,
YANBU to be concerned about your daughter sitting still or being loud ot needing to go out.
However YABU to expect the bride to change her plans for this scenario. Try and plan for what you'd do if this happens, but ultimately- you're going to be okay and the worst that could happen is that the ceremony is momentarily disturbed whilst you take her out
Don't waste another second worrying about this

Children are so different. I only have to one dd. But she was an absolute Tasmanian devil. Full of energy, far more than her peers - friends kids fromNCT class and notably all boys. She still has more energy than any of her friends at 15. Impossible to take to the cinema for example at this age.

The only thing I can say is that surprisingly to me, when we took dd to a christening at your dd’s sort of age and she was still and no trouble. It was in a city cathedral with multiple children, thus longer than a normal service. I think she was enthralled by the whole thing.

OP my bag for church weddings includes a non noisy toy car to “drive” on the pews. Some magna tiles or blocks to build. Reusable stickers (the ones that need specific paper to stick to, and a scene to “make”). Or the characters from a busy book. If all else fails, screen time with no sound? Maybe I’m misunderstanding the layout of the church but surely a kinder adaptation to all is that you and your dd sit on the far side of a row - so can leave via a less disruptive position than centre aisle? Toddlers do make noise and need to move (I’ve two of them) but actually often at formal occasions there’s loads for them to see and do. For the weddings we’ve been to with ours (only ever bring them if one of us is wedding party and they’ve been asked), we’ve simply had to plan the day in advance. Get up early out and run/do playgrounds to use energy. Then quick changes for all before the ceremony’s. It’s been more manageable than I thought.

I think you've got to manage your kid for a bit here, really no need for an extra parent. It's only 40 minutes; give her a big walk before the service and non-messy snacks (slices of apple, raisins and soreen bar). DS managed a funeral at that age, unless she's very unused to time with you she'll be fine. I wouldn't get out toys unless it's soft books, you're giving her the wrong message with toys by suggesting it's playtime, divert her with the actual service so she's engaged. Bounce her standing on your lap for a bit so she can see all around the church. Dance lightly with her during singing bits, so she's occupied but also participating.

I get it OP and it is hard not having anyone else to share your dd with at the wedding. 40 mins can be an eternity for a young toddler.

When I got married, pre DC, there were a few couples with toddlers 1-2yo. They all sat at the back and were quite noisy throughout and the parents were popping in and out with them. I think that's just the reality with young children, people expect it and although it's very frustrating for the parents if they end up missing the key moments of the ceremony, just do your best and accept you might be watching it from the back holding a wriggling DD. Even if you manage to stay at the front you might be busy quietly engaging DD to stop her making a noise / running off, so you might not get to relax and enjoy it.

I think it's fair enough the bride wants her DB to be able to focus on the wedding ceremony and his role.

You’re completely overthinking this. It’s one child for 40 minutes. Just take her out if she starts playing up -and if she does, do it quickly before she gets too annoying.

Agree with those who say it would be disruptive to pass her between you. It's annoying, but I think you just need to accept in advance that you won't see much of the ceremony. As a single mum who has taken a toddler to many events, my one piece of advice is to leave with her the minute she starts to get wriggly, and not try to remain in place and shush her, which in my experience just backfires and ends up with you having to leave with an uncooperative shouting toddler. Hopefully then you'll be able to watch some from the back.

I know why you're anxious but you'll just have to solo it. I recently was in exactly the same situation with an 18mo at db and SIL wedding and didn't even occur to me to ask. Kept her busy with boob, playing with bridesmaids flowers, a food pouch and some pointing out of a window. It wasn't perfect, but we managed (and I have a VERY mobile child). It'll be over before you know it and it won't be nearly as hard as you think. Children have a way of surprising you.

today I asked the bride if she would be okay if my husband sat behind me in the service, next to his grandma and auntie so if my little one gets bored of me I can pass her back to her dad and so forth.
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You need to ask bride what she wants if dd makes a noise

Most take out at once - nothing more annoying then a child /baby crying in a wedding for the poor b&g

If you miss the wedding - you miss the wedding

You mention granny and auntie.* *Obv they want to see the wedding but can they help if behind you

Or you pay for a wedding nanny to take dd out if noisy

Obv bride wants dh to be ushers his side

Any other bridesmaids with you and dd

I don't get the issue with snacks/phone with volume off - some posters say no

Wedding I went to earlier in the year one child being constantly bribed with raisins - lollypop - breadsticks - anything to Keep them quiet*
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Then sticker/magnet books - then phone 😂*

If distance etc allows I would have said husband at wedding and you and child at celebration after much less stressful all round