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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you slag off your Dh/partner

195 replies

Onedrinkpernightinsummer · 05/08/2023 22:55

When you’re with friends?

Recently got closer with my mums friendship group..kids are a little older and instead of play dates together, we’ve been doing nights out with cocktails.
I was shocked when hearing all
kinds of things about each one’s relationships and Dh’s etc, really thought they all
seemed happy and in almost perfect set ups. In a way it was a great bonding experience and made me realise how so many of us have similar problems and how the way things appear isn’t always the way it really is.
Now I’m starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with it and find myself not liking these guys and thinking what pricks they are, all the men have different issues and the women are much more capable and could really do better.
Do you and your friends do this? Is it dangerous territory?

OP posts:
AllProperTeaIsTheft · 05/08/2023 22:56

No. I don't have a circle of close female friends tbh, but even if I did I wouldn't badmouth dh to them.

Hawkins009 · 05/08/2023 22:58

Loose lips sink battleships, hear all, trust nothing,

DramaAlpaca · 05/08/2023 22:59

No. I don't feel the need to discuss my relationship with anyone, including friends. There's plenty of other interesting subjects to talk about.

BlueLiquid · 05/08/2023 22:59

Never.

And it makes me very, very uncomfortable when someone else slags off theirs.

Crapsummer · 05/08/2023 23:00

Obviously I don't know the situation. But maybe they are just sounding off . Or maybe a bad patch. Bit pissed of with their partner.

calmcoco · 05/08/2023 23:01

Not really, no. I do have one close friend I moan to occasionally but it is all light-hearted/jokey as I don't have heavy issues to report anyway.

Gnomegnomegnome · 05/08/2023 23:03

No and I hope he doesn’t either.

My friends don’t really talk about their dp/Dh either.

tiggergoesbounce · 05/08/2023 23:03

Now I’m starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with it and find myself not liking these guys and thinking what pricks they are

I wasnt sure if you meant your friends or their husbands for a minute.

No its not a common occurrence that they slag off their husbands, maybe if something has happened thats of importance, but i would hate to think of my DH doing it to me, so i wouldnt do it to him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/08/2023 23:04

I wouldn’t have anything bad to say.

With my ex I tried to be honest with some people about how crap things were but only when I was planning to leave him.

I know what you mean about judging the men they’re slagging off. A new friend told me something about her husband recently that’s mostly not a huge deal but it’s made me look at him differently.

Polik · 05/08/2023 23:05

No, never. My friends don't either.

My MIL goes through phases of really bitching about her partner (my husband's stepdad). I find it very uncomfortable and will actively try to redirect the conversation.

TedMullins · 05/08/2023 23:05

No because my partner genuinely doesn’t do anything that I need to slag off. Before I worked on myself, I used to date emotionally constipated feckless losers and would complain a lot about them but my friends’ advice would usually fall on deaf ears. If I needed advice on a relationship issue though then yes I would ask my friends. I simply wouldn’t remain in a relationship with someone I felt compelled to slag off though.

Barrell · 05/08/2023 23:05

No, I don’t discuss my relationship except on a very superficial level even with my good friends.

Spectre8 · 05/08/2023 23:07

Normally I'd say its incredibly disrespectful to do that but also I think people do need someone else they can vent to or go to for advice. However in that case I'd hope it just one best friends they can confide in and not a group setting.

neilyoungismyhero · 05/08/2023 23:07

Maybe they feel it's their 'safe' space. In real life it's sometimes hard to talk to really close friends- they're often joint friends and that isn't fair on anyone. Even if you are able to talk to relatives it's difficult because often they take sides and then feel/behave differently towards your partner and that opens a whole new can of worms. I get why they do it, if you're uncomfortable though it's not the group for you.

Hbh17 · 05/08/2023 23:09

No, because 1) I would never discuss my partner with other people and 2) I can't imagine ever wanting to "slag off" anyone - there are usually at least two sides to every story.

Original poster
Onedrinkpernightinsummer · 05/08/2023 23:09

I didn’t realise most others didn’t do it.

I definitely think it’s a venting thing as it’s mainly associated with not pulling their weight or drinking too much etc, not hugely personal though. I think one person starts and then it feels like a safe space to open up?

OP posts:
Original poster
Onedrinkpernightinsummer · 05/08/2023 23:10

Perhaps it’s not slagging off then? Just venting about relationship problems…I’ve definitely seen these men in a new light though

OP posts:
MatthewBroderick · 05/08/2023 23:12

Never. I’ve only known friends do this when they are in crisis (eg just discovered an affair, to a small group) not general moaning.

Polik · 05/08/2023 23:13

The person to talk to about your husband not pulling their weight or drinking too much, is your husband.

I would imagine the people who do this are the sorts of people who love a gossip and delight in other people's misfortune.

Mayhemmumma · 05/08/2023 23:13

My friendship group do - only if there's a problem or issue they want to talk through. It helps , no relationship is perfect and talking things through with friends is so important.

Original poster
Onedrinkpernightinsummer · 05/08/2023 23:13

@MatthewBroderick That’s interesting..I wonder why we seem to have all done this the last couple of times

OP posts:
TrainspottingWelsh · 05/08/2023 23:15

No. I might moan occasionally to his mum or sister, but it’s lighthearted and the type of thing we all say to his face. The odd occasion when he’s really annoyed me I’ve confided in a close friend but more for a second opinion, not just generally slagging him off. The friends that have done that regarding their partners are either two faced in general or at the end of their tether and close to separation.

Original poster
Onedrinkpernightinsummer · 05/08/2023 23:15

@Polik No, it didn’t feel
like that at all when we were all talking, it felt better to not feel like it only happened to me etc, it didn’t feel mean and gossipy.

OP posts:
DreamItDoIt · 05/08/2023 23:16

No I don't 'slag' my DH/DP off but I have honest and open conversations about my relationships (or lack of).

PauliesWalnuts · 05/08/2023 23:20

No. We went to a funeral of a school friend’s father once and a couple there were parents of another school friend. He spent the entire time belittling his wife, which I’ve seen him do for over 40 years - both to her face and to other people. He also does it about his kids, and sadly his daughter seems to be turning into a carbon copy of him. I’m kind of used to him and make a point of being super nice to his wife, but my partner was horrified. We made a pact on the way home that if we ever had a problem with each other we’d take to them about it but nobody else, and we agreed never to badmouth each other to another party. I don’t do it for that reason, and hopefully my other half doesn’t either.