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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you slag off your Dh/partner

195 replies

Onedrinkpernightinsummer · 05/08/2023 22:55

When you’re with friends?

Recently got closer with my mums friendship group..kids are a little older and instead of play dates together, we’ve been doing nights out with cocktails.
I was shocked when hearing all
kinds of things about each one’s relationships and Dh’s etc, really thought they all
seemed happy and in almost perfect set ups. In a way it was a great bonding experience and made me realise how so many of us have similar problems and how the way things appear isn’t always the way it really is.
Now I’m starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with it and find myself not liking these guys and thinking what pricks they are, all the men have different issues and the women are much more capable and could really do better.
Do you and your friends do this? Is it dangerous territory?

OP posts:
CoalCraft · 06/08/2023 08:23

Never, except to lightheartedly complain about the most minor things (he puts pairs of socks together wrong!!)

Honestly I don't have much more to complain about, but even if I did, I wouldn't air it publicly. I hate when people badmouth their partners to me (unless it's very serious / borderline abusive and they need support to leave).

DarkPsy · 06/08/2023 08:25

Yes. But two of us are separated and coparenting with knobs, and the other is in a horrible relationship with an addict that is limping toward the finish line.

Royalbloo · 06/08/2023 08:27

I'm single but this is why I don't have loads of female friends. Nothing worse than getting stuck with a moaner at a party.

Heronwatcher · 06/08/2023 08:27

Yes but it’s minor annoyances around the house rather than anything else, but that’s because overall he’s great! Plus I say the same thing to his face! It’s important that people get to test their partner’s behaviour to get a sense of what’s normal- in this country we have a very damaging tradition of still upper lip/ suffering in silence. You only need to look at the relationships board to see where that leads.

Oysterbabe · 06/08/2023 08:28

I have a group of friends I've known for 20 years and we all vent from time to time. I would only do it with very close friends that I trust.

natura · 06/08/2023 08:29

mangochops · 06/08/2023 07:31

Depends what you mean by "slag off"?- eg "he's a right dick and he annoys the fck out of me"- no I'd never say that.

But, I might say to a very close friend "DH is doing this and it bothers me, what do you think is the best way to approach it?" etc I'd only do this with one of my closest friends though, not someone at a toddler group etc

This.

I don't 'slag off' anyone and I avoid people who do – I wouldn't have them in my friendship circles.

But if there's an issue that needs to be worked on and I need a friend's ear to figure out what to do, that's a big part of my friendships. Guidance, support, advice... in any area of life, not just relationships.

lastminutewednesday · 06/08/2023 08:29

No. Because I don't have anything bad to say about him.
I did with my exh in the end, as I had plenty of things to discuss about him, but only after several years of things being rubbish.

MiddleParking · 06/08/2023 08:35

I think there’s a big difference between telling a group of school mums your husband left the front door open once and telling them actual personal stuff about your marriage. I would laugh and agree with the former if someone else said it, might say it myself. Telling people you’ve not had sex for six months, not so much.

Original poster
Onedrinkpernightinsummer · 06/08/2023 08:37

Things often discussed are parenting styles, things not done around the house, lifestyle-drinking too much etc…would you say this is bad?

OP posts:
dramoy · 06/08/2023 08:49

The OP has been given the impression her friend's husbands are "pricks". That's not joking about the size of their feet.

Hence why I've said what is actually being said is more important

MiddleParking · 06/08/2023 08:50

Onedrinkpernightinsummer · 06/08/2023 08:37

Things often discussed are parenting styles, things not done around the house, lifestyle-drinking too much etc…would you say this is bad?

I mean, that last one especially surely feels like a conversation for inside the marriage.

Tisfortired · 06/08/2023 08:50

Never, and I know he would never say anything mean or derogatory about me. It’s about respect.

gannett · 06/08/2023 08:51

I don't moan or vent or slag off DP to friends, no. I find it very uncomfortable when other women try to do the whole "all our husbands are annoying pricks and we all hate them" bonding routine, it's almost as bad as disordered dieting culture for a subject that some women seem to think is an automatic sisterhood bonding technique. None of my actual friends do either of these things!

Rule of thumb for me is that if you do banter about minor annoyances, it has to be light-hearted and non-serious enough to say to your partner's face. Actually the only times I've joked about DP to friends have been with him sitting right there, and he responds in kind. He thinks I'm a messy slattern, I think he's overly fussy, both of us have points but know the other isn't going to change and it doesn't actually matter and there's no seething resentment building up.

If there was actual resentment building up about an issue, I'd hope we could talk to each other about it rather than vent to our friends. I'd feel quite hurt if he "vented" about something seriously annoying I was doing to other people. Obviously personal stuff like sex life should be off limits too.

If you're having a really serious issue and go to a close friend in confidence for guidance that's a completely different thing of course.

I really question the distinction some posters have made between "venting" and "slagging off". If the former isn't light-hearted enough to do to your partner's face it sounds exactly the same as the latter.

dramoy · 06/08/2023 08:53

It’s important that people get to test their partner’s behaviour to get a sense of what’s normal- in this country we have a very damaging tradition of still upper lip/ suffering in silence. You only need to look at the relationships board to see where that leads.

That's a good point actually. Im a 2nd gen immigrant as are most of my friends & banter/venting is completely normal in my world. The one colleague I know who wants a divorce & is dreadfully unhappy in her marriage never said anything in the group discussions where we are taking the piss out of our partners.

dramoy · 06/08/2023 08:55

Rule of thumb for me is that if you do banter about minor annoyances, it has to be light-hearted and non-serious enough to say to your partner's face.

Why would you not say it to your partners face and why wouldn't you if it was actually serious?

C1N1C · 06/08/2023 08:56

I've found there are two types of friend. Those who like to vent about their partner, and those who like to show off their partner.

jellybe · 06/08/2023 08:57

No. If I have an issue with DH i discuss it with DH. I feel it would be a disloyalty to our relationship to discuss it with others and that ranges from if we have and a disagreement about something to our sex life, it is no one else's business.

MsCathy · 06/08/2023 08:57

dramoy · 06/08/2023 08:49

The OP has been given the impression her friend's husbands are "pricks". That's not joking about the size of their feet.

Hence why I've said what is actually being said is more important

Slagging off, which is how the OP described it, isn't something we do at all. It must be pretty derogatory if she has the impression they're all pricks.

theleafandnotthetree · 06/08/2023 08:59

Tisfortired · 06/08/2023 08:50

Never, and I know he would never say anything mean or derogatory about me. It’s about respect.

With all due respect, you can't KNOW this.

Goatymum · 06/08/2023 09:01

Surely most people vent about their other halves
he doesn’t put the stuff in the dishwasher
too obsessed w football
’man flu’
in a mood about something and nothing
i would only talk to good friends about this sort of thing, or to get advice about an issue. And they do it back.

P3N · 06/08/2023 09:01

I hear some shocking stuff from female friends from time to time and I think "why you with him then?" (Especially when they've had a drink on a girls night.) Some have realised too late (when he's left/cheated/lied) or they've become really miserable.

Personally I try not to discuss my marriage with people. I support him in public and disagree with him in private. The only person who gets to talk to my fella like shit is me and it's to his face. Not behind his back to other people.

Goatymum · 06/08/2023 09:02

And I’ve def said it all to dh face as well!

Heronwatcher · 06/08/2023 09:02

Onedrinkpernightinsummer · 06/08/2023 08:37

Things often discussed are parenting styles, things not done around the house, lifestyle-drinking too much etc…would you say this is bad?

First two, yes I would have a moan about these in front of friends. Not for hours on end, but along the lines of “god I hate bloody you tube, I’m forever having to wrench the bloody kids off the iPad but DP seems to never notice, or is on his own blessed phone, and it’s always me.” The last one (drinking) I would discuss but I think it would be a different conversation if I was really worried. I think they should all be open to discussion though. If my DP was regularly getting drunk to the extent that I felt uncomfortable about it, yes I think I’d test whether my own expectations were off with friends as one of the first steps.

mangochops · 06/08/2023 09:05

natura · 06/08/2023 08:29

This.

I don't 'slag off' anyone and I avoid people who do – I wouldn't have them in my friendship circles.

But if there's an issue that needs to be worked on and I need a friend's ear to figure out what to do, that's a big part of my friendships. Guidance, support, advice... in any area of life, not just relationships.

Show quote history

Exactly- thats what friendships are for surely? discussing how to solve problems, sharing feelings, giving and accepting advice, mutual support etc. I would hate it if my friendships were only superficial- discussing the weather or just tedious social niceties. I dont see the point of having friendships if its just talking about whats on the telly and nothing deeper than that. Discussing how to approach relationship issues isnt "slagging someone off"- its seeking advice and support.

P3N · 06/08/2023 09:05

Heronwatcher · 06/08/2023 09:02

First two, yes I would have a moan about these in front of friends. Not for hours on end, but along the lines of “god I hate bloody you tube, I’m forever having to wrench the bloody kids off the iPad but DP seems to never notice, or is on his own blessed phone, and it’s always me.” The last one (drinking) I would discuss but I think it would be a different conversation if I was really worried. I think they should all be open to discussion though. If my DP was regularly getting drunk to the extent that I felt uncomfortable about it, yes I think I’d test whether my own expectations were off with friends as one of the first steps.

Show quote history

If my DP was regularly getting drunk to the extent that I felt uncomfortable about it, yes I think I’d test whether my own expectations were off with friends as one of the first steps

I don't think that's slagging off to be fair, that's sensible.