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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you slag off your Dh/partner

195 replies

Onedrinkpernightinsummer · 05/08/2023 22:55

When you’re with friends?

Recently got closer with my mums friendship group..kids are a little older and instead of play dates together, we’ve been doing nights out with cocktails.
I was shocked when hearing all
kinds of things about each one’s relationships and Dh’s etc, really thought they all
seemed happy and in almost perfect set ups. In a way it was a great bonding experience and made me realise how so many of us have similar problems and how the way things appear isn’t always the way it really is.
Now I’m starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with it and find myself not liking these guys and thinking what pricks they are, all the men have different issues and the women are much more capable and could really do better.
Do you and your friends do this? Is it dangerous territory?

OP posts:
Original poster
Onedrinkpernightinsummer · 05/08/2023 23:22

Perhaps they’re at breaking point..a couple of them anyway, one other doesn’t say much and looks uncomfortable

OP posts:
Itsnotrightbutitsok · 05/08/2023 23:26

I think venting is absolutely fine.

I think slagging off isn’t.

I think it depends what they’re saying and how personal they’re being. Also how close the friendship group is.

We’re all very close at work and a couple of colleagues will come in and say how stressful their morning has been because ‘Ben’ has been doing X, Y, Z.

My non work friend has children from a previous relationship and her DP is a bit of an arse around them.
She will often tell me what he’s done and I obviously tell her to leave.

I wouldn’t judge anyone for venting about their partners, kids, parents etc to their friends but I would judge if they were being very offensive about them.

Escapingtherealityoflife · 05/08/2023 23:26

Sadly all the people I know who openly criticised their husbands ended up getting divorced.
It’s a far cry from confiding in a close friend, to openly slagging your DH off in the pub in front of all your mates.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 05/08/2023 23:29

Mayhemmumma · 05/08/2023 23:13

My friendship group do - only if there's a problem or issue they want to talk through. It helps , no relationship is perfect and talking things through with friends is so important.

Yes I agree with this.

MN is so popular because sometimes you just need to talk through your feelings or get a second opinion on something.

gothshot · 05/08/2023 23:31

No. I don't discuss my relationship with anyone else but him!

GLC789 · 05/08/2023 23:32

It baffles me the way some people bad mouth their spouses etc.

Yes, my husband can be a pain in my butt sometimes. But that's as far as it goes. He's a pain, but he's my pain and I wouldn't change him.

We have our ups and downs but we communicate with each other when things get rough! No one else needs to hear it.

SuperiorM · 05/08/2023 23:32

When people slag there OHs off I am always reminded of my Pregnancy Yoga class. There was a super vocal posh mum-to-be who slagged off her husband to a room full of strangers doing exercises. It’s a small town. Spool forwards a few years … she and her husband are teachers at a prep school our DC was at. Husband was fine, she was a rubbish teacher. He did most of the child care, the very thing she claimed he’d be crap at.

VioletLemon · 05/08/2023 23:33

No but did moan alot about ex H a long time ago. It came as a shock that these friends had not picked up that I had 10 years of DV and the moans were probably me looking for validation maybe. Made me see that even though you say some details you're still concealing the big picture and also ex H is a narcissistic type who was very charming and people struggled to visualise he was anything but a cheeky chappie. Current DH of years and years is amazing, I'm lucky and would never slag him off and he wouldn't slag me either.

applepie04 · 05/08/2023 23:37

There is a difference between venting and slagging off. No one is perfect and sometimes it's really nice just to have a cocktail and vent but if it's talking about what a horrible person they are etc. then maybe a red flag.

applepie04 · 05/08/2023 23:39

I think this is totally normal by the way. A lot of people do it and the people on this thread probably just don't have any friends 😅

blacknredsweeties · 05/08/2023 23:41

Yes always. I though most did?

Illbebythesea · 05/08/2023 23:42

I think this is totally normal by the way. A lot of people do it

^ I agree with this. Me & my friends quite often moan about our husbands 😂 doesn’t mean they’re awful and we don’t love them, nor that we don’t respect them. Just venting about the twatty things men do (or more often don’t do) sometimes.

Polik · 05/08/2023 23:43

applepie04 · 05/08/2023 23:39

I think this is totally normal by the way. A lot of people do it and the people on this thread probably just don't have any friends 😅

It's also possible the people on this thread don't have anything to vent about regarding their marriage. Lots of people quiety go about their lives in happy marriages.

SadieOlsen · 05/08/2023 23:46

No, I have never slagged for my DH to anyone at all. Sitting around listening to a bunch of women slag off their husbands and compare notes is horrible. So disloyal and stupid. Listening to a woman slag off her DH makes me always think, why did you marry him then, if he's so terrible - do something about it and stop gossiping behind his back.

AvidMerrian · 05/08/2023 23:47

Onedrinkpernightinsummer · 05/08/2023 23:10

Perhaps it’s not slagging off then? Just venting about relationship problems…I’ve definitely seen these men in a new light though

Can you be more specific with what they were saying. I will say though that when I separated so so many people had noticed him being unkind to me, even though I had said nothing his actions were quite enough. And to be honest, I do notice when a man is being disrespectful to his wife (or she to him)

NerdyBird · 05/08/2023 23:48

It's totally normal to have a bit of a whinge about your other half, but I guess if people are saying nasty or really personal things that might be a different. With mum friends usually one of the husbands has managed to be annoying in some way!

AvidMerrian · 05/08/2023 23:48

SadieOlsen · 05/08/2023 23:46

No, I have never slagged for my DH to anyone at all. Sitting around listening to a bunch of women slag off their husbands and compare notes is horrible. So disloyal and stupid. Listening to a woman slag off her DH makes me always think, why did you marry him then, if he's so terrible - do something about it and stop gossiping behind his back.

A friend would say something (a real friend)

KimberleyClark · 05/08/2023 23:50

No,never. Never felt the need.

applepie04 · 05/08/2023 23:51

I'm very happily married but to say that everyone's partner is perfect is ridiculous

AvidMerrian · 05/08/2023 23:55

Polik · 05/08/2023 23:13

The person to talk to about your husband not pulling their weight or drinking too much, is your husband.

I would imagine the people who do this are the sorts of people who love a gossip and delight in other people's misfortune.

Wow!
Unlike you who I would imagine is someone who delights in others experiencing misfortune alone, because looking for the comfort of friendship would make them a gossip in your eyes.

Yes the “Hear All, Say Nothing- everything you say will be taken down to be used as evidence against you” what a delightful person you are.

Luucylu · 05/08/2023 23:56

No, not really. I may ‘vent’ if he’s done something annoying but I certainly wouldn’t ‘slag him off’ in a group. I have no reason to anyways.

Do you have other things to talk about? It sounds a bit like you all deviate to that because you don’t have other things to chat about? This makes sense as you met as a mothers group so your common ground is kids/home/marriage?

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 05/08/2023 23:57

Yup , quite often. Mostly in a jokey way, sometimes in an exasperated way. Rarely I have actually been really mad and I needed to vent/sort out my thoughts before I could have a productive conversation with him.

Last one was he bought a swanky toilet brush and he was very happy and pleased with himself and couldn't understand why I wasn't more impressed. Dumbass.🙄

SemperIdem · 05/08/2023 23:59

I think getting into the habit of airing micro irritations is not great for a relationship, but actually it’s important to talk about them broad spectrum if not in detail.

It’s all well and good “never discussing your relationship”, until you actually need people to support you because it’s gone terribly wrong. When everyone is gobsmacked and doesn’t know what to do because nothing has ever been raised, it’s actually really hard.

When I split up with an ex, and he subsequently broke into my home whilst I was asleep, everyone was so shocked. But of course they didn’t know about the time he fractured my wrist, or the time he raped me. I kept our relationship private for the benefit of who? It wasn’t me, when everyone, my friends and family included, initially sided with him against me pressing charges against him for breaking in, with a knife.

AMessageToYouRuby · 06/08/2023 00:00

I think normal to an extent at least in my experience, anything very serious that we are resolving I would only share with very, very close friends who usually pre-date the marriage.

See mn 'Dressing Gown of doom' discussions vs I'm being abused AIBU type posts.

I'd say the dangerous territory is seeing it as the whole picture more than a brief snapshot of a moment in a relationship.

Seddon · 06/08/2023 00:02

My XH used to slag me off, definitely behind my back but also in front of me. On the surface, it was 'banter' and 'venting' but it made me feel like shit. Painting me as an unreasonable, unbalanced harpy was his strategy for protecting himself in case I ever revealed what an abusive, selfish, lying, alcoholic bastard he was. It made my relationships with his family and our mutual friends really awkward, and I felt really isolated. I kept my head held high and left him instead.