Do you slag off your Dh/partner

[Onedrinkpernightinsummer]

When you’re with friends?

Recently got closer with my mums friendship group..kids are a little older and instead of play dates together, we’ve been doing nights out with cocktails.
I was shocked when hearing all
kinds of things about each one’s relationships and Dh’s etc, really thought they all
seemed happy and in almost perfect set ups. In a way it was a great bonding experience and made me realise how so many of us have similar problems and how the way things appear isn’t always the way it really is.
Now I’m starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with it and find myself not liking these guys and thinking what pricks they are, all the men have different issues and the women are much more capable and could really do better.
Do you and your friends do this? Is it dangerous territory?

Occ to my mum who is very discreet. Never to my friends.

Yes. We all do it. I’m very lucky to have a great group of girlfriends that are there for each other to vent and moan about anything that is bothering them. Your girlfriends are your sounding boards. Your therapists. I went through a really crap time with dh and yeah I vented and cried about it to them. It’s not all the time. But it’s actually good to hear that not everyone’s relationships are perfect. It’s absolutely normal for women to sound off about their partner and also children and anything else that is worrying them. Sad that other people don’t have those friendships

Things often discussed are parenting styles, things not done around the house, lifestyle-drinking too much etc…would you say this is bad?

Again it depends on the detail. If someone thinks their partner drinks too much then perhaps they are gauging what too much is or sounding it out, or need advice. I think parenting styles do tend to differ in relationships at points but that could be a lighthearted complaint or something more serious. Same with doing things around the house.

Sad that other people don’t have those friendships

Not sounding off about your partner to friends does not mean you don't have good friends. 🙄

Exactly- thats what friendships are for surely? discussing how to solve problems, sharing feelings, giving and accepting advice, mutual support etc. I would hate it if my friendships were only superficial- discussing the weather or just tedious social niceties. I dont see the point of having friendships if its just talking about whats on the telly and nothing deeper than that

Same, I just assumed this was proper friendship. The whole point is you trust them

Occ to my mum who is very discreet. Never to my friends.

why are your friends not discreet?

Totally normal - women who are close always moan about their husbands to one another.

Most of my female friends do complain about relationship issues or arguments from time to time. They are varying degrees of 'happy'.

DH and I do not really argue, so I don't have anything to complain about. Unless you count minor things like my DH not ensuring socks go into a washing in pairs 😆. I might mention small things like that in passing if the context is right.

They may well be. I have no idea. i don't bitch about my DC to my friends either, except anonymously on MN. They are young adults and i think I need to protect their privacy.

Slagging off, which is how the OP described it, isn't something we do at all. It must be pretty derogatory if she has the impression they're all pricks.

Hence why I'm interested in the detail, also sometimes you have to take things with a pinch of salt. People over egg things for effect etc.

And it seems on this thread many have different interpretations for venting/banter/slagging off eg lots of people assume you are talking behind your back & never say things to them.

I feel like it's necessary to let it out somewhere if you are unhappy, and your friends should be a safe place to do this. But other people have very different ideas about what friendship is about, which is why I have my superficial "chat at the school gates" friends and my "real" friends, who I actually talk with abou stuff that matters to us. It's usually reciprocal.

Obviously in an ideal world we'd all have partners we (a) had no cause to complain about and/or (b) were our first port of call if we needed a confidante, but I think in the real world not very many women in heterosexual relationships can claim that this is the case. Which is a whole other issue, but once you have kids there needs to be a lot more wrong with the relationship than "he's not a good listener and he leaves his washing on the bedroom floor" to break up a home. Thus, venting to friends!

God I hope my daughters end up lesbians, or decided to just give cohabiting a massive swerve. Hetero marriage or monogamous partnership is so often a pup too many of us are sold. Female friendships can be incredibly nourishing, close and beautiful. But it stands to reason, that since not all women are the same, not all women like sharing real feelings with their friends.

They may well be. I have no idea. i don't bitch about my DC to my friends either, except anonymously on MN. They are young adults and i think I need to protect their privacy.

You never share things with friends? I've never bitched about my dc on MNs, I have discussed things with friends. Personally I'd have more concerns about a putting things on a massive forum then a few friends.

Surely a proper healthy relationship is one where your partner doesn't give you so much to moan about that you bond with your friends over it regularly, though.

My friends have been there for me through a lot of shit - family stuff, career stuff etc. Certainly not superficial friendships. But we don't make a habit of moaning about our partners because it's a toxic behaviour. If you need to vent that much about someone, leave the relationship already.

There are a lot of women with perfect marriages in this thread or no close female friends.

Surely a proper healthy relationship is one where your partner doesn't give you so much to moan about that you bond with your friends over it regularly, though.

What are you classing as regular? What does too much moaning look like? And why would it be the only reason for bonding?

I think a proper healthy relationship is an open & honest one, with partners & friends. There is nothing I wouldn't say to a friend that I wouldn't say to my partner. I also think it's unrealistic to never be annoyed or disagree with a loved one be that a sibling, parent, child or partner.

Plus I've been with my husband since uni & our core friendship circles we've known longer so most things we take the piss out of our friends know & agree about too. That's a very different dynamic to someone upset with their husband for not doing any childcare but never saying it to them & it damaging their relationship.

That is such an immature view. You can't just "leave the relationship" over annoyances when you have kids. It's selfish and drastic. Likewise there comes a point in a LTR when you recognise that some aspects of the person will never change, and there is no point continuing to have the same old arguments/discussions with them about it because it creates hostility within the home. So you make your peace with it as best you can for the sake of a harmonious home for your kids. But you still need to get it off your chest from time to time so as not to become irritable and bitter (also creating a hostile environment for your kids). So you vent to friends, who offer you much needed kindness and often some very good advice about how to deal with the situation better.

Basically not everyone made the right decision about who to have kids with. It's a terrible thing to realise once the people you love more than anything are already here. But it's not simply a case of "oh well, my mistake, let's just break up the family and I'll have another go with someone else". Unless the children will be considerably better off with their parents separated - usually only the case if there is mental, verbal, physical or financial abuse involved - it's the responsibility of a parent to find a way to keep the family functioning. It's not ideal. But life often isn't. And a good support network of other adults can be a crucial part of this, to stop someone continually blowing up at the partner and/or inappropriately leaning on their kids for emotional connection and support. Or going completely bonkers from squashing down all their feelings and their selfhood.

Surely a proper healthy relationship is one where your partner doesn't give you so much to moan about that you bond with your friends over it regularly, though

A healthy proper relationship is one where things you do to annoy your partner are acknowledged and dealt with in a constructive manner-surely thats the epitome of a mature attitude. If you go into marriage thinking someone is perfect and they'll never be any issues whatsoever then you're setting yourself up for failure I'm afraid. Discussing how to deal with issues isnt "moaning", moaning implies whining negatively about something but not doing anything to address it. Its perfectly possible to seek advice and support without moaning and it makes me sad that anyone would assume that is the case as that is quite immature black and white thinking.

Personally I try not to discuss my marriage with people. I support him in public and disagree with him in private

I'm sure this wasn't your intention but this reminds of when I was a kid & an MP would be caught spanking a rent boy or similar & the wife would be wheeled out onto the doorstep smiling & playing happy families 😆

I think a proper healthy relationship is an open & honest one, with partners & friends. There is nothing I wouldn't say to a friend that I wouldn't say to my partner. I also think it's unrealistic to never be annoyed or disagree with a loved one be that a sibling, parent, child or partner.

100% this as well. After you've been having the same conversation with a partner for years, you understand how they feel and they understand how you feel, but for whatever reason you remain unable to reach an agreement, you either have to separate or agree to a stalemate. But the issue is still there, and that frustration needs to go somewhere if it isn't going to destroy the rest of the relationship a d make life unpleasant for the kids. Doesn't mean it's a secret you feel the way you do or you're doing it "behind their back" - just taking that problem to a more receptive audience.

I'm really surprised at the answers here, do people really not say anything remotely negative about their spouses to their friends? Even when everyone is relaxing and having a laugh about the common irritations we all experience?

I would often have chats with my friends where we slag off our husbands and laugh about it, it's always lighthearted when we're in a group situation. Even when the couples are together we'd have no problems slagging them in the group too and all laughing about it. It wouldn't be mean or harsh, just the little irritating foibles that exasperate us sometimes. I've no doubt my husband slags me off to his friends too and I'm fine with that. It's nothing we wouldn't say to each other's faces.
I'm Irish though and teasing goes with the territory, so maybe it's a cultural difference.

That is such an immature view. You can't just "leave the relationship" over annoyances when you have kids. It's selfish and drastic.

I love my husband more than anything & he is a great father, supportive, handsome blah blah but he is not perfect. I'm close but not there either. One of his flaws is hoovering a room for 30 mins but still missing spots. He cannot understand why I use so many utensils when cooking. These are not reasons to break up a good marriage & him complaining about my utensil overuse doesn't make me feel bad about myself or hurt in anyway & i'm not changing because I like my utensils 🤣

Absolutely this!!!

@Witchpleas that's exactly my experience

I also think it's unrealistic to never be annoyed or disagree with a loved one be that a sibling, parent, child or partner

Exactly this. Its not realistic to think you'll never disagree on anything whatsoever when you live with someone 24/7. In my experience, people who say theyve never had an argument in 40 years means that one person is getting their way all the time and the other doesnt feel able to speak up and just seethes silently. Hence why people often turn to alcohol or drugs to suppress their true feelings. Having an argument isnt the death knell for a relationship by any means, its the way you argue thats important not the fact that you have actually had a disagreement.