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Original poster

Do you slag off your Dh/partner

195 replies

Onedrinkpernightinsummer · 05/08/2023 22:55

When you’re with friends?

Recently got closer with my mums friendship group..kids are a little older and instead of play dates together, we’ve been doing nights out with cocktails.
I was shocked when hearing all
kinds of things about each one’s relationships and Dh’s etc, really thought they all
seemed happy and in almost perfect set ups. In a way it was a great bonding experience and made me realise how so many of us have similar problems and how the way things appear isn’t always the way it really is.
Now I’m starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with it and find myself not liking these guys and thinking what pricks they are, all the men have different issues and the women are much more capable and could really do better.
Do you and your friends do this? Is it dangerous territory?

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 06/08/2023 10:53

0021andabit · 06/08/2023 10:42

I’m really surprised at some of the responses to this. I think it’s completely normal to vent to friends, it’s a way of sharing experiences, feeling less isolated/ resentful, getting different perspectives etc etc - knowing where other peoples boundaries lie can help you understand your own. I always come back from nights out with my best mates feeling better for having vented & I wouldn’t feel at all hurt if DH did the same about me - in fact I’d be much more worried if he didn’t have close mates he could discuss his relationship with. & I’m not precious about him having the occasional laugh about me. We’re social creatures - it’s healthy to share &bond.

I think it is entirely human and certainly so in the more communal ways we lived for the majority of human civilisation. In my head, I picture Stone Age Woman 1 bitching to Stone Age Woman 2 because her husband isn't catching any big game "what am I supposed to do with these shrews he keeps bringing me?". Husbands are grand and all and the good ones are great but they are just part of the tapestry of human relationships.

theleafandnotthetree · 06/08/2023 10:55

I mean people usually bitch about their friends, siblings, parents etc too, I don't see why marriage as a relationship is any different. And doesn't mean there's a lack of love.

QueSyrahSyrah · 06/08/2023 10:57

Never. For a start I don't have any reason to, but I also don't really have girlfriends that are so separate to DH, they all know him well and he knows them, as I do with their partners and Husbands. It would be very strange to start bad mouthing him to people who are also his friends.

Mutinyonthecrunchie · 06/08/2023 11:00

If I can't say it to dh's face I'd never say it to someone else.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 06/08/2023 11:04

Only to bitch about how long he spends in the bloody toilet. Most of my friends have worked with DP at one time or another, this isn't news to them 🤣

QueSyrahSyrah · 06/08/2023 11:07

theleafandnotthetree · 06/08/2023 10:55

I mean people usually bitch about their friends, siblings, parents etc too, I don't see why marriage as a relationship is any different. And doesn't mean there's a lack of love.

I used to think bitching about friends behind their backs was just the norm, until I changed my circle of friends and now it just doesn't happen. We speak about each other of course but with love or concern, I've never heard anyone say a bad word about anyone else in the group. It's gloriously refreshing.

Kindofcrunchy · 06/08/2023 11:09

do people really not say anything remotely negative about their spouses to their friends? Even when everyone is relaxing and having a laugh about the common irritations we all experience?

No I would never. He puts up with enough shit from me in private, let alone in public!

theleafandnotthetree · 06/08/2023 11:13

QueSyrahSyrah · 06/08/2023 10:57

Never. For a start I don't have any reason to, but I also don't really have girlfriends that are so separate to DH, they all know him well and he knows them, as I do with their partners and Husbands. It would be very strange to start bad mouthing him to people who are also his friends.

Sounds suffocating, do you really have no separate friends?

ToughFuss · 06/08/2023 11:16

Absolutely not. I don’t run him down or criticise him to anyone, and would expect the same solidarity from him. If we have issues, we talk to each other about them. Hard to be a team if you’re slagging off your husband to other people.

Witchpleas · 06/08/2023 11:19

@theleafandnotthetree this thread has been eye-opening, I just assumed it was something everyone did. All of my friend groups have these kinds of conversations, I assumed nobody took it seriously!

gannett · 06/08/2023 11:21

theleafandnotthetree · 06/08/2023 10:55

I mean people usually bitch about their friends, siblings, parents etc too, I don't see why marriage as a relationship is any different. And doesn't mean there's a lack of love.

I don't bitch about my friends either, for much the same reason - I like them and respect them. Same rule of thumb too - if it's not something I could lightly and affectionately take the piss out of them to their face for, it's not something I'd vent about them behind their back for.

Essentially I really and genuinely like my friends and my partner, and I feel loyal to all of them. When they're not around I want to speak highly of them because that's how I feel - not drag them down. If I have a real problem with something they've done I can speak to them about it, not seethe behind their back.

I do bitch about mutual acquaintances, and definitely colleagues, who I don't consider friends and don't feel loyalty towards. It's unavoidable that you have people in your life on a consistent basis who you don't like. But they're not friends.

QueSyrahSyrah · 06/08/2023 11:22

@theleafandnotthetree Ha, it's not at all though.

Sure I'm closer to my friends than he is and spend time with them without him, and he's closer to his bloke friends, but we all know each other and each others partners. Some of DH's closest friends are the partners of my closest friends. We often socialise together as a bigger group.

I'd find it odder to have a group of friends that DH wouldn't know if he passed them in the street.

Witchpleas · 06/08/2023 11:24

Kindofcrunchy · 06/08/2023 11:09

do people really not say anything remotely negative about their spouses to their friends? Even when everyone is relaxing and having a laugh about the common irritations we all experience?

No I would never. He puts up with enough shit from me in private, let alone in public!

That's actually really eye-opening, it seems so alien to me to draw a line like that - it must be a cultural difference. Now wondering what my non-Irish friends must think of the state of my marriage 🙈

Pontiouspilate · 06/08/2023 11:24

Slagging off sounds like the wrong word. But, yea, friends have told me stuff about their husbands that have made me dislike them. It’s not my friends’ faults though - it’s the men for cheating, stealing or whatever. Support these women

gannett · 06/08/2023 11:27

QueSyrahSyrah · 06/08/2023 10:57

Never. For a start I don't have any reason to, but I also don't really have girlfriends that are so separate to DH, they all know him well and he knows them, as I do with their partners and Husbands. It would be very strange to start bad mouthing him to people who are also his friends.

This is a good point, I don't really have separate friends either. Or at least, once it became clear DP was a keeper, I actively intended for him to join my social circle (and vice versa). After a decade, to varying degrees his friends have become my friends and my friends have become his friends.

In practice we do have a few separate friends - some moved away before I met him, some I hang out with doing things he's not into, vice versa. But I consider all my friends as potentially his friends too, if life brings us back into each other's orbits more regularly again.

It's not suffocating at all. It's not as if we always have to socialise together. We've just developed our own friendly relationships with the people we met through each other. It makes life a lot easier, really.

dramoy · 06/08/2023 11:27

this thread has been eye-opening, I just assumed it was something everyone did. All of my friend groups have these kinds of conversations, I assumed nobody took it seriously!

I think people must be confused or maybe everyone is just incredibly po faced.

dramoy · 06/08/2023 11:28

I'd find it odder to have a group of friends that DH wouldn't know if he passed them in the street.

same

VeridicalVagabond · 06/08/2023 11:30

I'm always surprised by how many of my friends seem to genuinely hate their husbands and partners and consider that normal. The "old ball and chain " mentality. It's weird.

I don't slag my husband off with my friends because I genuinely don't have anything to say. But they seem to be truly miserable in their relationships and think it's totally normal to just talk about their OH's like they're shit on their shoe. It's a bit sad really.

dramoy · 06/08/2023 11:30

Essentially I really and genuinely like my friends and my partner, and I feel loyal to all of them. When they're not around I want to speak highly of them because that's how I feel - not drag them down. If I have a real problem with something they've done I can speak to them about it, not seethe behind their back.

The point is saying my partner can't parallel park or whatever is not seething behind their back. I don't seethe behind anyone's back regardless if they are an acquaintance or not. That is toxic.

dramoy · 06/08/2023 11:32

I don't slag my husband off with my friends because I genuinely don't have anything to say. But they seem to be truly miserable in their relationships and think it's totally normal to just talk about their OH's like they're shit on their shoe. It's a bit sad really.

Maybe that's the difference, I don't have friends who talk about their partners like that.

Louisetopaz21 · 06/08/2023 11:33

No I don't because I love and respect my DH. My ex would slag me off to his DM and usually it would be lies, I overheard him once. That was the end for me.

Pontiouspilate · 06/08/2023 11:34

This is a good point, I don't really have separate friends either. Or at least, once it became clear DP was a keeper, I actively intended for him to join my social circle (and vice versa). After a decade, to varying degrees his friends have become my friends and my friends have become his friends

Wait till you’re 21 years down the line and your husband leaves you. You’ll be fucking grateful you also cultivated your own friendships then - speaking from experience!

theleafandnotthetree · 06/08/2023 11:34

Witchpleas · 06/08/2023 11:19

@theleafandnotthetree this thread has been eye-opening, I just assumed it was something everyone did. All of my friend groups have these kinds of conversations, I assumed nobody took it seriously!

Same. There may be a cultural difference but to be honest I think some on here who claim never to bitch or niggle about anyone they are close to sound too good to be true and dare I say it, a bit po faced. You can simultaneously love someone and find an aspect of their character really annoying or grating and feel the need to vent about it. I assume people do it about me!

misskatamari · 06/08/2023 11:38

No. I might occasionally discuss something with a friend if we’ve had some sort of issue, but I never “slag him off” or bitch/moan about him. And it’s not something I’ve experienced with friends either. It would make me uncomfortable for sure if that was happening. I really feel - if you feel the need to bitch and moan about someone you’re in a relationship with then there are deeper issues there that need looking at, and you should be either working through them together or looking to leave the relationship. I can’t imagine just bitching about dh, it would seem really two faced and a betrayal of the bond we have

theleafandnotthetree · 06/08/2023 11:39

Pontiouspilate · 06/08/2023 11:34

This is a good point, I don't really have separate friends either. Or at least, once it became clear DP was a keeper, I actively intended for him to join my social circle (and vice versa). After a decade, to varying degrees his friends have become my friends and my friends have become his friends

Wait till you’re 21 years down the line and your husband leaves you. You’ll be fucking grateful you also cultivated your own friendships then - speaking from experience!

I am actually separated but no matter how much I would love a putative husband, I would always always want and need and consider it healthy to have people in my life that just aren't in the same realm, just as there are people my children don't know very well. I guess I would always be an 'I' rather than a 'we', maybe that's why I'm separated, I naturally chafe against the kind of thing some people on this thread revel in (and good luck to them!)