Do you slag off your Dh/partner

[Onedrinkpernightinsummer]

When you’re with friends?

Recently got closer with my mums friendship group..kids are a little older and instead of play dates together, we’ve been doing nights out with cocktails.
I was shocked when hearing all
kinds of things about each one’s relationships and Dh’s etc, really thought they all
seemed happy and in almost perfect set ups. In a way it was a great bonding experience and made me realise how so many of us have similar problems and how the way things appear isn’t always the way it really is.
Now I’m starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with it and find myself not liking these guys and thinking what pricks they are, all the men have different issues and the women are much more capable and could really do better.
Do you and your friends do this? Is it dangerous territory?

It would be very strange to start bad mouthing him to people who are also his friends.

What is bad mouthing though? I cannot think of many of DHs traits/preferences that I would criticise that his friends/family aren't aware of & that he isn't teased for now & again. We are off on a group holiday next week & it's already been mentioned who is driving me or dh, DHs best friend has been teased about overpacking (he really does). Had 'X' got travel insurance cause she's a calamity (she's always injuring herself), etc.

all the men have different issues and the women are much more capable and could really do better.

I suspect these paragons of virtue have their own faults they just don't see them as important.

I don’t slag off my DP to my mates because I honestly don’t have any reason to. We might have lighthearted chats where we laugh over minor irritations and quirks, eg my DP’s weird aversion to going to the cinema or my friend’s boyfriend being incapable of purchasing the right quantity of anything meaning that they currently have 10kg of broccoli to eat or something. But not full-on slagging off.

However, when another friend was stuck in an abusive relationship and desperate for help and advice then of course she was sharing some of the terrible things he’d done and we were sympathetic and obviously wanted to listen to her and help her get stuff off her chest as she was building up to leaving him. He wasn’t our friend, though - we barely knew him. So it wasn’t like we had to socialise and be polite with him while knowing all the awful things he’d done.

Wait till you’re 21 years down the line and your husband leaves you. You’ll be fucking grateful you also cultivated your own friendships then - speaking from experience!

My parents are separated & still friendly with each others family/certain friends. My mum sees my dads sister all the time. I guess it depends on the relationship you had & how acrimonious the breakup was.

My friends and I have a bit of a light-hearted moan about our other halves, usually related to some less than optimum domestic habit they have, and one or other of us occasionally refers to a more serious issue, but not in a way that invites discussion ifyswim. We are all mature realistic adults and know that serious long-term relationships are not easy.

Wait till you’re 21 years down the line and your husband leaves you. You’ll be fucking grateful you also cultivated your own friendships then - speaking from experience!

Well of course that's a risk, but there are still loyalties within a wider group. We've both brought our own friends into the wider group, it's not that I'm reliant on his friends or he on mine.

I like to think if the shit hit the fan with DH 'my' friends would remain so, despite being friendly with him now. I don't feel the need to keep them ring-fenced for ever just in case.

Maybe their husbands complain about them going out for regular "cocktail nights"?!

My 2 friends that had awful partners years ago used to discuss them, and yes, slag them off I suppose. It was a good because they saw that the rest of us were not being treated that way and they split quickly and divorced them. They’re both now in happy relationships with good partners.

Now, we’re all either in good relationships or single, so no, we don’t slag off partners. Our single friend that is dating does talk about some of the men she’s gone on dates with but to be fair, some have been shockers!

Goodness I’ve just realised what the difference is between two of my groups of friends! One group bitched about anyone or everyone and it always makes me so uncomfortable, the other is lovely and supportive. I need to ditch the first group!

No not really, I might say a minor thing that has annoyed me but I'd never sit there slagging him off

I would talk to my closest friend about my abusive ex. She knew I was not quite ready to leave but always listened to me and told me the truth that I needed to hear.

At some level maybe it does- perhaps you have nothing to slag him off about, but if he had seriously behaved out of line then you need Friends.
You seem to be saying that women should realise that when the chips are down you’d rather not know.

@herewegoroundthebastardbush

100% this! 👏

God yeah moaning to my mates about dh not picking his socks up or having his music too loud is totally normal. And they might have a little grumble about their dh too.
But it is nothing l haven't said to his face and l would expect him to tell his mates if l am doing his head in about trivial things.
That's what mates are for isn't it??

I think there's a bit of conflation in this thread with 'moaning about' and the 'slagging off' that the OP started with.

They're different things to me. I'd moan jokingly about DH's bottomless appetite for cheese that costs us a fortune, or the fact he's incapable of closing drawers properly, but I'd never bitch or slag him off unless I had real, serious, bad enough to leave him reasons to.

To me slagging someone off or bitching about them is being deliberately nasty, things that you wouldn't say to someone's face. Not just having a lighthearted moan.

I think you are right, I don't think it is slagging off, I think it's general moaning. The alcohol situation might be a bit of a serious discussion but I imagine the rest is rather light hearted, probably already been said to the husband a million and one times.

I think there certainly seems to be different understandings of "slagging". Where I'm from slagging is lighthearted and just a bit of gentle teasing - basically taking the piss out of someone, but they're in on the joke. Friends slagging off their husbands certainly wouldn't be classed as bitching.

Oh does it fuck make you feel "sad". Smug maybe.

I do deserve better, I know it. So does my partner. We are incompatible and we don't give each other what we both would have liked from a partner, though we both try, every day, to do better. But we made a mistake while we were young and still becoming ourselves and before working through our childhood shit, and while we were still getting there we had kids. A mistake. But we love them dearly, they are here now, and we have a responsibility to give them a stable and happy a life as possible. That does not include "ending the relationship" just because our relationship is not ideal, because it is ideal enough that we can parent well together, get along ok, provide them with a place to call home and to feel like they belong and are the priority in both our lives.

The alternative to our less than ideal relationship isn't automatically two happier homes for them. By staying together we can save them the ACE of family breakdown, having to live between two houses, having to potentially deal with stepfamilies and half siblings and feeling pushed out or less than further down the line, worse financial situation, etc etc. I'm not doing all that to my children on the off chance I am now mentally mended enough to find and maintain a better, more connected, fulfilling relationship with someone else who would be interested in having one with me. Instead, I'll put my effort into making the relationship I brought them into the best it can be, while recognising there are some things that will never be as I would wish, and venting about these to trusted friends to avoid bitterness building up.

You go live your perfect life.

@herewegoroundthebastardbush Completely understand this, I think a lot of people are in a similar situation 🌸

Our exchange, herewegoroundthebastardbush, shows why some people just never would bitch/moan about their partner to friends, and some people need that support from friends to be able to bitch/moan about partners.

It does come full circle back to the OPs point - those who do bitch/moan might be more likely to be in a less than ideal relationship. Lots of couples don't do this, not because they are repressed or similar, just because they have relationships that don't give reason to bitch/moan to friends about their partner.

I want to say sorry to you that you're going through this with your partner, but in saying that I don't want to sound like a twat or antagonise you further to think I'm being smug. Its not meant that way. You do deserve more.