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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you slag off your Dh/partner

195 replies

Onedrinkpernightinsummer · 05/08/2023 22:55

When you’re with friends?

Recently got closer with my mums friendship group..kids are a little older and instead of play dates together, we’ve been doing nights out with cocktails.
I was shocked when hearing all
kinds of things about each one’s relationships and Dh’s etc, really thought they all
seemed happy and in almost perfect set ups. In a way it was a great bonding experience and made me realise how so many of us have similar problems and how the way things appear isn’t always the way it really is.
Now I’m starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with it and find myself not liking these guys and thinking what pricks they are, all the men have different issues and the women are much more capable and could really do better.
Do you and your friends do this? Is it dangerous territory?

OP posts:
dramoy · 06/08/2023 09:44

And a good support network of other adults can be a crucial part of this, to stop someone continually blowing up at the partner and/or inappropriately leaning on their kids for emotional connection and support. Or going completely bonkers from squashing down all their feelings and their selfhood.

It's healthy & its also good to get other perspectives.

mangochops · 06/08/2023 09:46

It's healthy & its also good to get other perspectives

Yes. There have been times when I've been bothered about something and a friend has offered me an alternative perspective and this really helped me as in, huh, I never considered that! - really helpful.

tictactoe1234 · 06/08/2023 09:50

I'm sure all of the women are perfect and the men would have nothing negative to say about them

OrwellianTimes · 06/08/2023 09:50

Venting to a friend in private if you’re struggling to work through stuff is one thing - I thing it’s important women can have that safe space for a friend to say no that’s really not ok, he needs to sort it out.

slagging off to a group of friends no way - sounds like a moan fest where everyone os piling on and competing with who’s got it worse. All horribly negative and I wouldn’t want to be part of it.

bunchofboys · 06/08/2023 09:55

All those of you in perfect marriages being shocked that a woman might seek the support of her friends when her DH is being a dick need to have a think about whether you are actually a decent friend. Thankfully for me, my friends are normal women with ups and downs in their marriages and not trying to portray an insta perfect life. They were therefore able to support me and I didn't feel the need to keep up the pretence of our perfect life.

BarrelOfOtters · 06/08/2023 09:56

Out with good friends we’ve all had a bit of a moan about our other halves. I thought that was fairly norMal? Not continuously and usually it’s one person having a bad patch.

theres one not close friend who does nothing but moan about her husband for the last 20 years….

and another who was in a relationship that was really bad for her, and him, and that was hard to listen to till they split up.

theleafandnotthetree · 06/08/2023 09:57

Witchpleas · 06/08/2023 09:37

I'm really surprised at the answers here, do people really not say anything remotely negative about their spouses to their friends? Even when everyone is relaxing and having a laugh about the common irritations we all experience?

I would often have chats with my friends where we slag off our husbands and laugh about it, it's always lighthearted when we're in a group situation. Even when the couples are together we'd have no problems slagging them in the group too and all laughing about it. It wouldn't be mean or harsh, just the little irritating foibles that exasperate us sometimes. I've no doubt my husband slags me off to his friends too and I'm fine with that. It's nothing we wouldn't say to each other's faces.
I'm Irish though and teasing goes with the territory, so maybe it's a cultural difference.

Im Irish too and agree with you that this is pretty much the norm and generally fairly warm hearted and more of a 'throw eyes up to heaven'/what would you do with him kind of vibe. Interestingly, about the only close friend I have that doesn't do it is English.

toddlermom99 · 06/08/2023 10:00

Personally, I never just slag my DH off. It would take a very, very rare occurrence of something to upset me enough to confide in my bestest friend - but it definitely wouldn't be said in a gossiping way. But I don't really mind if other people feel the need to have a rant about their partners.

Heronwatcher · 06/08/2023 10:01

Thing is though, in a normal friendship group it’s normal to raise things, or test the water in a jokey way first rather than as a mini therapy session. Eg I might say, “god DP has been a nightmare this week, he’s been out with mates 3 times and the last time he was so pissed he weed on the hall carpet” (not a real example). I’d want to see whether my friends laughed and gave similar examples or either looked concerned/ horrified. So it might seem like slagging off but it may just be the first step towards testing normal boundaries.

TBH in most cases (not prostitutues or something like that), I would also expect my friends to probably realise that there might be two sides to the story and assume my DH might see things differently! I certainly don’t think they think he’s a massive twat just a normal bloke.

Polik · 06/08/2023 10:02

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 06/08/2023 09:32

That is such an immature view. You can't just "leave the relationship" over annoyances when you have kids. It's selfish and drastic. Likewise there comes a point in a LTR when you recognise that some aspects of the person will never change, and there is no point continuing to have the same old arguments/discussions with them about it because it creates hostility within the home. So you make your peace with it as best you can for the sake of a harmonious home for your kids. But you still need to get it off your chest from time to time so as not to become irritable and bitter (also creating a hostile environment for your kids). So you vent to friends, who offer you much needed kindness and often some very good advice about how to deal with the situation better.

Basically not everyone made the right decision about who to have kids with. It's a terrible thing to realise once the people you love more than anything are already here. But it's not simply a case of "oh well, my mistake, let's just break up the family and I'll have another go with someone else". Unless the children will be considerably better off with their parents separated - usually only the case if there is mental, verbal, physical or financial abuse involved - it's the responsibility of a parent to find a way to keep the family functioning. It's not ideal. But life often isn't. And a good support network of other adults can be a crucial part of this, to stop someone continually blowing up at the partner and/or inappropriately leaning on their kids for emotional connection and support. Or going completely bonkers from squashing down all their feelings and their selfhood.

Show quote history

Immature? I think the opposite.

I hope my children don't enter marriages like described above. Sounds unhappy, "less than ideal" is absolutely right.

Long marriages exist where the couple are genuinely happy, content and solve any issues between themselves effectively. You could say "ideal" marriages (as opposed to "less than ideal"). It makes me feel sad some people don't consider they are worth - or it is possible - to have such a respectful marriage.

KimberleyClark · 06/08/2023 10:04

My DH isn’t perfect but his flaws are minor in comparison to his good points. Moaning about little niggles to other people can make them seem far more important than they are.

BitOutOfPractice · 06/08/2023 10:07

calmcoco · 05/08/2023 23:01

Not really, no. I do have one close friend I moan to occasionally but it is all light-hearted/jokey as I don't have heavy issues to report anyway.

This. I’ll have a moan to my bff if we’ve had one of our rare callings out. But tbh I have very few complaints.

I think all of my friends are the same. Occasional moan. No major slaggings.

CoffeeCantata · 06/08/2023 10:09

My husband is one of the good guys!

But I only moan in a lighthearted trivial way - if we had real issues I wouldn't tell my friends. That may be bonkers, but I just wouldn't. For one thing it puts them in a difficult position. I know I've had to listen to moaning in the past where I was given intimate details of a couple's relationship which I'd rather not have heard and could never 'unhear'. The woman (friend) claimed to be about to leave him, but didn't and of course we then ended up socialising with them both and I felt very embarrassed to have been told so much. Luckily they moved away eventually, and are still together many years later. Just as well I didn't' join in and criticise him too.

StressyErica · 06/08/2023 10:11

I think it's fine to whinge about the small stuff if it makes you feel better. I'm happy to listen and make the right noises when my acquaintances moan about their husbands not doing their share etc. I don't diss my own husband though because he's a really good guy and I'm very loyal to him. I also wouldn't like it if he was slagging me off behind my back but he doesn't do it either so we're good.

dramoy · 06/08/2023 10:14

Long marriages exist where the couple are genuinely happy, content and solve any issues between themselves effectively

But not everything has to be resolved, some things just are.

Burningthroughthesky · 06/08/2023 10:18

Nope, at the risk of sounding like a smug twat, my DP is perfect. I feel lucky everyday that we are together. We're a team and I don't think he would slag me off to his friends.

I cringe when my friends bitch about their man child partners. The ones with weaponised incompetence, who can't look after their kids on their own, who drink too much too often, who spend the majority of their time on their phone/xbox/toilet. My friends are lovely and could do better.

Seriously79 · 06/08/2023 10:18

I have a moan to my girls if DH has pissed me off, but only about little things - he was late home from work, didn't wash the pans after I'd cooked. Nothing major though.

dramoy · 06/08/2023 10:19

Nope, at the risk of sounding like a smug twat, my DP is perfect.

I don't believe anyone is perfect...

PrincessHoneysuckle · 06/08/2023 10:21

No because once you've slagged them off people don't forget what you've said.

ripplingwater · 06/08/2023 10:28

bunchofboys · 06/08/2023 09:55

All those of you in perfect marriages being shocked that a woman might seek the support of her friends when her DH is being a dick need to have a think about whether you are actually a decent friend. Thankfully for me, my friends are normal women with ups and downs in their marriages and not trying to portray an insta perfect life. They were therefore able to support me and I didn't feel the need to keep up the pretence of our perfect life.

I dont believe anyone who says their partner is perfect anyway, all the people I know who pretend to have perfect marriages to others have the most dysfunctional relationships and a lot goes on behind the scenes that people arent aware of.

Of course someone can be perfect FOR YOU, in that, you click, you get on great, you bring out the best in each other etc but to say your partner is literally a "perfect" human being is either laughably naive or really stupid. Noone is perfect and surely thats the nice thing about life- living with someone who was "perfect" would annoy the fck out of me because its not human to be perfect.

Enko · 06/08/2023 10:30

I moan about his inability to put the cardboard from the toilet roll into the bin. His unwillingness to go to the doctor despite his knee having given him pain for 4 months now. I don't tell a group our personal issues if we have any.

To my close friend I may be open about stuff that's going on and she to me but its not in a slagging off kinda way. We all need an outlet.

0021andabit · 06/08/2023 10:42

I’m really surprised at some of the responses to this. I think it’s completely normal to vent to friends, it’s a way of sharing experiences, feeling less isolated/ resentful, getting different perspectives etc etc - knowing where other peoples boundaries lie can help you understand your own. I always come back from nights out with my best mates feeling better for having vented & I wouldn’t feel at all hurt if DH did the same about me - in fact I’d be much more worried if he didn’t have close mates he could discuss his relationship with. & I’m not precious about him having the occasional laugh about me. We’re social creatures - it’s healthy to share &bond.

MoggyMittens23 · 06/08/2023 10:46

No. Only piece of advice I ever took from my MIL. Has served me well!

MotherofGorgons · 06/08/2023 10:46

0021andabit · 06/08/2023 10:42

I’m really surprised at some of the responses to this. I think it’s completely normal to vent to friends, it’s a way of sharing experiences, feeling less isolated/ resentful, getting different perspectives etc etc - knowing where other peoples boundaries lie can help you understand your own. I always come back from nights out with my best mates feeling better for having vented & I wouldn’t feel at all hurt if DH did the same about me - in fact I’d be much more worried if he didn’t have close mates he could discuss his relationship with. & I’m not precious about him having the occasional laugh about me. We’re social creatures - it’s healthy to share &bond.

I should clarify that I don't think it is abnormal or shocking to vent to friends. I just don't want to myself. It;s a choice surely.... One of my friends is very open about her sex life. I am not. Both ways are fine.

I certainly don't have a perfect marriage.

MotherofGorgons · 06/08/2023 10:48

Oh also a lot of my friends are people I meet at work, so I prefer to not say too much in the workplace.My childhood friends are scattered over different countries.