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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A poll for my husband....

472 replies

Sellingbedtime · 04/08/2023 23:00

So we received an invite to a wedding in Bali months ago. I decided probably not a practical decision to go as we have 2 small children 3yo DD and ds who is 11months. Children were not invited to wedding and I wasn't prepared to ask family to look after them. Anyway fast forward to now. Said wedding is fast approaching and DH is very much packing his bag and readying his passport with every intention of going.... Without us.
I've expressed my thoughts regarding it to him. I feel it's just very selfish. To assume it's ok for him to saunter off whilst I stay here in the trenches dealing with the mayhem of a toddler and baby (as well as going to work etc etc). It actually baffles me he thinks it's ok to go. So AIBU??

Happy to hear all response as i feel perhaps I'm missing something and other people husband's/partners/father's of their children frequently make easy breezy trips to the other side of the planet like it's popping to bloody Yarmouth!

OP posts:
Russooooo · 04/08/2023 23:02

This very much depends on context: whose wedding? How long for? Will you get any ‘time off’ when he returns?

Swanswimming · 04/08/2023 23:03

YANBU that’s too much money to waste on a solo holiday. Also it should be a mutual agreement if he were to go, because he’s spending joint money, and he’s getting a break from childcare.

SocksAndTheCity · 04/08/2023 23:03

You haven't enabled voting.

Didn't you have to RSVP to the invite so the people getting married know who they're expecting?

Summerscoming23 · 04/08/2023 23:03

As above. Who's wedding? How many days? Could you all go as a holiday and just him go to the wedding? I understand its not a close destination either

DarkModeDear · 04/08/2023 23:04

Who’s wedding is it? That will make a difference.
There have been posters saying it’s okay for one parent to go to the USA alone for a siblings wedding, they probably would say that if it was just a work colleague they used to work with a decade ago and haven’t seen since.

TokyoSushi · 04/08/2023 23:04

Depends on who is getting married. His brother/sister etc, he should probably go. A friend and he just fancies a jolly, less so.

HappiestSleeping · 04/08/2023 23:06

On one hand, if its one of his friends and you get a suitable pass while he mans the trenches and deals with the mayhem, then it would not be so bad.

Having said that, I wouldn't go without my wife. Don't care whose wedding it was. We aren't joined at the hip or anything, but I married her because I want to spend time with her and share experiences.

underneaththeash · 04/08/2023 23:07

DH and I went to several weddings alone (him more than me though) when we had small children.
depending on whose relative has getting married, some I was too pregnant or couldn’t get time off work.
I went to my friend’s in Australia and one in Ibiza without him. I think he did Singapore, Florida, Italy, Moldova. We both got a babysitters and went to another in Florida and one in Cyprus without our small kids.

Annoyingly, now that the kids are older and we can leave them, no-one is even getting married!

Testina · 04/08/2023 23:08

A flight to Bali doesn’t sound like something you buy last minute, unless you have cash to burn? So how have you not properly discussed this?

As others have said, too many factors. If he’s a good husband, it’s a close friend of his, there’s no additional needs with your children to consider, he’d be totally supportive if you were away, as a family you can afford it… then I think it’s fine.

Tbh if you have cash to burn I’d absolutely have taken those ages and just sat the wedding part out and enjoyed the holiday!

LocalHobo · 04/08/2023 23:09

I decided probably not a practical decision to go
This seems a strange comment to make. Should it not be "we" decided? Did you just make the decision without any discussion between you?
For what it's worth, based on what you say, I don't think he should go without you unless his sibling as others state, but sounds like you should have more communication between you.

Comedycook · 04/08/2023 23:10

Selfish imo...unless the person getting married is a very close relative or friend of his.

ThatFraggle · 04/08/2023 23:12

A wedding is a public sign of commitment and unity.

Funny way for him to show commitment and unity in his own marriage by leaving his wife and kids at home, having snuck around to make plans which you were not both signed off on.

Saracen · 04/08/2023 23:12

Whose wedding is it?

He still should have asked you in good time rather than assumed you were okay with being left on your own with the kids, but if it's his sibling or best friend then he could ask with the expectation that you'd say yes.

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/08/2023 23:13

If it's his parent or sibling, then maybe, but otherwise I think no, he is extremely selfish. Why can't you go for that matter and let him mind the children? Did that even occur to him?

Original poster
Sellingbedtime · 04/08/2023 23:16

So for context it's an old school friend of my husband who is getting married. He will be gone for 5 nights. I know a part of DH feels he should go as this friend, who lives abroad, made the effort and travelled back for our wedding. Which I sort of understand but circumstances were different as no one had children to consider then.
I'm thinking the "don't get mad, get even" approach might just be best. Let him have his holiday then make sure I book time away...

OP posts:
Wrongsideofpennines · 04/08/2023 23:18

Unless it's a close relative then no he shouldn't be going alone.

The cost of flight and hotel I imagine is quite high and would allow you all to have a holiday rather than just him. If he is determined he is going then he needs to tell you when you can have your holiday alone while he manages work and childcare under the same conditions (ie. Not palming them off on grandparents)

sheworemellowyellow · 04/08/2023 23:18

Given the context, he should go. It’s five days. You’ll cope. And then you take a break when it’s convenient to you.

If I can’t then you can’t” is a waste of time in a marriage. Make it work, both of you.

Comedycook · 04/08/2023 23:19

If he does do this then he owes you massively. He should also reach into his pocket and buy in as much help for you as he can while he's away.

Original poster
Sellingbedtime · 04/08/2023 23:19

Also he is using his own money/savings to pay for it

OP posts:
Menopausehaver · 04/08/2023 23:22

I would be more bothered about if we could afford it. If it won’t make a dent in the finances id wave him off happily and start planning my girl’s weekend.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 04/08/2023 23:24

Sellingbedtime · 04/08/2023 23:19

Also he is using his own money/savings to pay for it

Not being funny but if married then by law all money is joint money.
My husband would get a frost reception if he did this, both before and after the trip.

DarkModeDear · 04/08/2023 23:26

The friend made an effort to come to yours and it’s only 5 days, yes he should go imo.

Peppermint81 · 04/08/2023 23:27

Let him go, it's only 5 days! He will be happier upon his return and need to make it up to you!

declutteringmymind · 04/08/2023 23:29

So where will you be going when he gets back. Pick the right moment to tell him to book dependent leave/annual leave and just book yourself somewhere with a friend or relative

BlowMyBubbles · 04/08/2023 23:29

Honestly I wouldn't be bothered, but dh works away a lot and I'm used to just getting on with it.

I don't get the whole 'don't get mad get even' mentality at all. If he's paying for it in his own expenses, the chap from abroad made the effort to come to your wedding...why shouldn't he go?