A poll for my husband....

[Sellingbedtime]

So we received an invite to a wedding in Bali months ago. I decided probably not a practical decision to go as we have 2 small children 3yo DD and ds who is 11months. Children were not invited to wedding and I wasn't prepared to ask family to look after them. Anyway fast forward to now. Said wedding is fast approaching and DH is very much packing his bag and readying his passport with every intention of going.... Without us.
I've expressed my thoughts regarding it to him. I feel it's just very selfish. To assume it's ok for him to saunter off whilst I stay here in the trenches dealing with the mayhem of a toddler and baby (as well as going to work etc etc). It actually baffles me he thinks it's ok to go. So AIBU??

Happy to hear all response as i feel perhaps I'm missing something and other people husband's/partners/father's of their children frequently make easy breezy trips to the other side of the planet like it's popping to bloody Yarmouth!

I went alone to a siblings wedding in Canada. I absolutely wouldn’t do it for anyone more distant than that.

I wouldn't be bothered if this was my DH as long as there is no financial difficulty.

If this was my DH I'd encourage him to go (I have a 16 month old and 7 day old) albeit if they where the same ages as your DC I'd say go. I would have DM/MIL to help though with nursery runs etc and a sleepover. Can you ask for help?

Yep, I had two little ones close together - sounds like he can go there and then you can have a break for yourself after?

I think it's generally a really good thing for each person to get a break away from the family once or twice each year, so I think him going is a good thing. The issue is that he hasn't discussed it with you! That's insane! It obviously needs to be a pre-planned, everyone's calendars aligned trip. I would concentrate the issue of communication more than him actually going to the wedding. Look forward to planning your 5 day trip.

If you'd had a conversation about it and said "oh maybe one of us should go, who should it be? Or shall we both stay home?" - fine

Him just deciding he's going - selfish dickhead.

I can imagine quite a few men I know pulling a similar stunt though so he's not alone.

Did you decline the invite?

YANBU especially if he expects you to go back to work AND look after the kids. He has to start being a man now in some way shape or form and stop expecting his wife to do everything whilst he goes off on his jollies.

I think it's generally a really good thing for each person to get a break away from the family once or twice each year

Really? Each parent taking a couple of holidays a year away from the family?

Why wouldn't he just go? Sounds like an amazing trip and his friend sounds like a close one. Bali is beautiful.

Agree. If your youngest is 11 months why aren't you still on mat leave? Or did you have to go back early?

We turned down 2 child free weddings in this country when the kids were small. My cousins when DS was 4 days old and DH’s cousins when it was on a Friday night a two hour drive away and we had no-one to have the children. Wouldn’t have even considered going as far as Bali - plus would have wiped out our savings/ pushed us into debt at that point in our lives which may not be the case for you. Regardless YANBU.

Should have been a joint decision from the start
Unless you (as a couple) genuinely cannot afford it then I think not going was not your decision to make for both of you.
A close school friend is not a wedding you miss lightly.
So the options were,
he goes,
you both go and leave kids,
you all go to Bali and sort childcare there/you miss actual wedding.

Occasionally one parent has to go away for short periods, it's healthy.

But if you do let him go definitely equal it out by taking your own far flung Holiday and leave him with the kids. Make sure it's 10 days though because you gave birth after all!!

I'm thinking the "don't get mad, get even" approach might just be best
Good grief, seriously? This is the tenet you base your marriage on? Have you been married long, do you intend to stay married much longer?

I’d be fine with it unless I was particularly struggling.

No biggie imo, but we do all sorts of random combinations of people for holidays. Definitely get yourself a fabulous girls trip planned though

It's no worse than fucking off to the other side of the world for a jolly up whilst your wife works and looks after a baby and toddler.

Let him go. It’s a once in a lifetime trip and an old friend’s wedding. Just make sure you get a break in return.

This

The only problem I see is the jetlag but of course he should go.

5 days? Are you a non-U.K. poster?
I’d be encouraging my husband not to spend that much money and time on a flight for 5 days, and at least have a week!

So for context it's an old school friend of my husband who is getting married. He will be gone for 5 nights. I know a part of DH feels he should go as this friend, who lives abroad, made the effort and travelled back for our wedding.

I realise you didn't put this in your OP, to try to get opinions on your side, but now we know, I think that is fair enough.
If I had a close, longstanding friend getting married, I would potentially go without my dh, and I would definitely be happy for him to have gone without me.

It is telling that you have put I decided, rather than we, and I think the fact you have put you will "get even" is really odd.
Doesn't sound like you are in a particularly good relationship, or at least that your relationship isn't working well at the moment.

So - although voting isn't enable, I think YABU. If the money and the annual leave are both there, I'd wish him well and tell him I hope he has a lovely time.

It'd be ok with it.
You could always go and take the DC. Treat it like a holiday and let DH go to the wedding on his own.
When our DC were small, it was my friends who kept getting married in other countries. Sometimes DH came and watched the DC whilst I did all the wedding stuff. Sometimes I went on my own and DH stayed in the UK with the DC. Sometimes I took DC with me and DH stayed home. Together you find the right way for your family.

For me the worst part is the fact that your dc are so little and you're working too.

YABU