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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A poll for my husband....

472 replies

Sellingbedtime · 04/08/2023 23:00

So we received an invite to a wedding in Bali months ago. I decided probably not a practical decision to go as we have 2 small children 3yo DD and ds who is 11months. Children were not invited to wedding and I wasn't prepared to ask family to look after them. Anyway fast forward to now. Said wedding is fast approaching and DH is very much packing his bag and readying his passport with every intention of going.... Without us.
I've expressed my thoughts regarding it to him. I feel it's just very selfish. To assume it's ok for him to saunter off whilst I stay here in the trenches dealing with the mayhem of a toddler and baby (as well as going to work etc etc). It actually baffles me he thinks it's ok to go. So AIBU??

Happy to hear all response as i feel perhaps I'm missing something and other people husband's/partners/father's of their children frequently make easy breezy trips to the other side of the planet like it's popping to bloody Yarmouth!

OP posts:
Sibicatsndogs · 07/08/2023 19:53

To be honest is someone is happy to go out on holiday/ trips by themselves shouldn't be married anyway. But omg if that was my husband leaving me with kids and work on my own I would use the opportunity to pack my bags and leave and empty houy with divorce papers! Wtf how can anyone tolerate to be with someone so selfish and careless

Anyhoodaloo · 07/08/2023 20:16

I mean, I wouldn't be thrilled, but I wouldn't stop him if he was using his own money which, in response to all the posters screaming about 'family money' is something everyone is entitled to have. My savings are my savings and DH's savings are his. We also save monthly together in a third joint account but very much also have our own money.

But I don't see how it's a surprise to you that he's going. He must have RSVP'd some months ago surely?

MeridaBrave · 07/08/2023 20:25

Unless money is very tight I think YABU, it’s a long standing friend who came to your wedding from abroad, it’s only 5 days.

I do see why you didn’t go. But as I said unless money is very tight then of course he should go.

Blossomtoes · 07/08/2023 20:29

To be honest is someone is happy to go out on holiday/ trips by themselves shouldn't be married anyway

I thought it was a relationship not a life sentence to being shackled to the other person. I feel so sorry for some of your spouses.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 07/08/2023 20:31

Caprisunny · 07/08/2023 12:17

Thinking it’s weird is fine.

Pretending to be shocked and surprised that people do it is another.

Why fake shock and surprise at something you know you people do?

Show quote history

I'm not FAKING shock and surprise. A am GENUINELY shocked and surprised that people do it. Even though I know of people that do, I still think it's shocking, surprising and weird. That's my genuine opinion.

F0Xintherain · 07/08/2023 20:37

This is the weirdest thread.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 07/08/2023 20:37

To be honest is someone is happy to go out on holiday/ trips by themselves shouldn't be married anyway. But omg if that was my husband leaving me with kids and work on my own I would use the opportunity to pack my bags and leave and empty houy with divorce papers
@Sibicatsndogs

What an unhinged response to someone wanting to attend a friend's wedding. I love my husband, doesn't mean we have to be glued at the hip or I can't do things without him. We don't become one person just because we marry. With attitudes like that I bet your husband would be delighted if you did serve him divorce papers.

F0Xintherain · 07/08/2023 20:38

I'd hate it if I wasn't allowed to go away and do stuff with my friends. Go to a wedding etc. you all sound so controlling

Sibicatsndogs · 07/08/2023 20:42

It's not an unreasonable response at all. My hubby goes out with his mates, plays football and has attended many weddings by himself in the same country. Not 5 days away which is a selfish holiday. Leaving someone that works with very young children show no commitment or care. Only utter selfishness

Lennon80 · 07/08/2023 21:55

I was in this situation years ago - one of his best friends from school getting married in Bali also! We had young kids - it wasn’t even discussed if he would go alone. It would have been too much of the families resources for one person to have the experience. No way I’d be allowing that! My husband wouldn’t have asked as I’m on my own for weeks, months at a time with his working abroad so knew he couldn’t be going abroad alone for fun.

Lennon80 · 07/08/2023 22:01

Comedycook · 07/08/2023 13:07

This thread is sad.

It seems many women are quite happy to allow men to live their lives free of any obligation or responsibility to their wives as children and dress it up as freedom and independence for themselves.

Financial obligation? Don't be silly...women must work and have their own money. Sensible..yes. But what you're also saying is that men are now free of providing for their family. Being present? Don't be silly...men must be happy and free and able to go where they want when they want regardless of their family committments.

Seriously...it's absolutely depressing and pathetic to watch women slog their guys out so that husbands and fathers can effectively live like single men...whilst retaining status of having a wife and kids. What do you actually expect? It's a win win for men.

Raise the bar

Totally agree - also the women going on about their ‘own money’ - if you are married with children and a woman you likely sacrificed earnings by maternity leave, promotions and the pay gap is real. But you don’t expect your husbands to subsidise this? Sounds like a shit deal to me!

Doone21 · 07/08/2023 22:25

Sounds fine to me. Just make sure you get reciprocation

MollyRover · 07/08/2023 22:38

@Lennon80, I sacrificed my body to pregnancy, I'll give you that, but it was a sacrifice I happily made. DH and I both saved for the 3 extra months of unpaid leave I took to pay me a "salary" while I was off and he paid for my maternity clothes. He took the financial hit on DC1 because I went back to work after 16 weeks so he used parental leave to delay childcare costs. The extra time I took after DC2 I could afford to take professionally because I was more established at what I do then than I was after DC1.

I thought about this before having children, and we planned together how best to finance and manage our family. This works for us, as does having an occasional break without children, whatever the occasion might be. We can't do that together at the moment so we do it separately. I'm glad we each have our own hard earned money to do this without agonizing over how we should be spending/saving and having to ask permission.

Blossomtoes · 07/08/2023 22:42

I never sacrificed a thing. All done and dusted with having kids by 23 and my career only really started in my late 20s. We seesawed in terms of earnings, sometimes he earned more, sometimes I did.

Lennon80 · 07/08/2023 23:13

Blossomtoes · 07/08/2023 22:42

I never sacrificed a thing. All done and dusted with having kids by 23 and my career only really started in my late 20s. We seesawed in terms of earnings, sometimes he earned more, sometimes I did.

Yes but you aren’t typical of most U.K. women as average mean age for having children is 30.9 years - peak of most women’s careers.

Blossomtoes · 07/08/2023 23:24

Most women’s careers don’t peak at 31. That’s just bloody ridiculous, most of them are only about nine years into 45 years of working life at that stage.

Lennon80 · 07/08/2023 23:32

Wrongly worded - the upward trajectory of promotions start around then - they peak around 40 years old, usually when they are working then part time as have young children.

Kisskiss · 07/08/2023 23:48

I can see why he really really wants to go! If I were his friend, I would also be disappointed if he didn’t make it, especially since he travelled to your wedding.
it’s probably too late but you should have gone!!!!! Bali is amazing for kid friendliness and locals are generally very lovely with kids and you can get very reliable cheap childcare arranged by your villa/hotel..

UsingChangeofName · 07/08/2023 23:48

To be honest is someone is happy to go out on holiday/ trips by themselves shouldn't be married anyway

What a very weird view of marriage. That really isn't how a partnership works. My dh and I have been married 30 years, but somehow still manage to be individual people who are perfectly capable to doing things independently of one another, as well as things just as a couple, things with friends but not dc, and things with our dc. Sometimes he goes away, to do with his interests. Sometimes I go away to do with my interests, or my friendships. Generally, we go away together, but being married doesn't prevent us from being two individuals, who sometimes wnat to do something the other has no desire to do.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 08/08/2023 11:42

It wouldn’t have bothered me at all, if my DH had done that. Personally I can’t think of anything worse than attending a wedding of someone I don’t know. But I’d be tempted to have a family holiday over there, and let him attend the wedding itself on his own.

Scylax · 08/08/2023 22:28

I honestly think for someone who means so much to him and put effort in for you, for a relatively brief time, and from his own money, it’s fine for him to go. I don’t see why you need to either get ‘mad’ or ‘even’ - just think of it as the gift you can give to people who care about you…

TeamGeriatric · 08/08/2023 23:18

I would be OK with 5 days given it's a wedding of someone who flew in to attend your own wedding. As others have said you just need.to ensure you get alone time when he gets back, as 5 days solo parenting with kids that age is tiring!

Mothership4two · 09/08/2023 02:21

Lennon80 · 07/08/2023 21:55

I was in this situation years ago - one of his best friends from school getting married in Bali also! We had young kids - it wasn’t even discussed if he would go alone. It would have been too much of the families resources for one person to have the experience. No way I’d be allowing that! My husband wouldn’t have asked as I’m on my own for weeks, months at a time with his working abroad so knew he couldn’t be going abroad alone for fun.

I was in this situation years ago

OP's situation is completely different to yours though. Her husband doesn't work away and it doesn't sound like she/they have any worries about money ie their family resources. OP decided she wasn't going to go for practical reasons and probably because she didn't really want to

going abroad alone for fun

It's not just a "fun trip" though is it? It's to a friends wedding.

My DH also worked away for months at a time and, in the same situation as the OP's, we would have had a discussion about it as neither or us is the boss of the other. Knowing DH he probably wouldn't have wanted to go without us all because he worked away and missed us. But (as he is a good dad/partner who works hard) I wouldn't have had a problem with him going away to a friend's wedding for a few days. As DH worked away for months at times I know 5 days would feel like a drop in the ocean.

No way I’d be allowing that!

Well that sounds like a fair and equal partnership then 🙄

Noodles1234 · 09/08/2023 05:57

Depends, if a friend of his or family then yes it’s ok for him to go. If one of your friends he hardly knows that’s a bit weird.

my DH doesn’t go abroad without me, I know plenty who do, each to their own I guess.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 09/08/2023 12:35

my DH doesn’t go abroad without me
@Noodles1234

I wasn't aware you lost the autonomy to travel to another country without your partner when married. Do you have to get a special combined couples passport or something?

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