Page 4 | A poll for my husband....

Sellingbedtime · 2023-08-04T22:00:59+00:00

So we received an invite to a wedding in Bali months ago. I decided probably not a practical decision to go as we have 2 small children 3yo DD and ds who is 11months. Children were not invited to wedding and I wasn't prepared to ask family to look after them. Anyway fast forward to now. Said wedding is fast approaching and DH is very much packing his bag and readying his passport with every intention of going.... Without us. I've expressed my thoughts regarding it to him. I feel it's just very selfish. To assume it's ok for him to saunter off whilst I stay here in the trenches dealing with the mayhem of a toddler and baby (as well as going to work etc etc). It actually baffles me he thinks it's ok to go. So AIBU?? Happy to hear all response as i feel perhaps I'm missing something and other people husband's/partners/father's of their children frequently make easy breezy trips to the other side of the planet like it's popping to bloody Yarmouth!

WannaBeRecluse · 05/08/2023 00:50

MargsMargsMargs · 05/08/2023 00:46

If someone came to your wedding, it’s only fair to try to go theirs.

Well that depends. Some people get married in the suburb you live in, others have destination weddings that cost thousands to attend. Big difference.

Beachbreak2411 · 05/08/2023 01:11

Dear god. He’s going for less than a week. Why do you get to be his prison guard and allow or not him to attend his friends wedding? Try being a single mother and having no option! I feel so sorry for him.

FloorWipes · 05/08/2023 01:12

Honestly I don’t think I’d accept this. But our child I think is more challenging than the average so we are particularly conscious of no one being left alone too long as it isn’t doable, and I also think a trip to Bali would be too much of a financial strain.

Kugela · 05/08/2023 01:13

Before he goes away, I would insist that he books annual leave so that you can make arrangements to also have a few days for a child free break.

FloorWipes · 05/08/2023 01:13

Beachbreak2411 · 05/08/2023 01:11

Dear god. He’s going for less than a week. Why do you get to be his prison guard and allow or not him to attend his friends wedding? Try being a single mother and having no option! I feel so sorry for him.

But this doesn’t have anything to do with single mothers.

Wouldn't feel too sorry for him he’s off to Bali.

Wanttobefree2 · 05/08/2023 01:14

I think the fact he’s only going for 5 nights says a lot, it’s not dumping you for a 2 week holiday with the lads

saraclara · 05/08/2023 01:16

this friend, who lives abroad, made the effort and travelled back for our wedding

Then I can see why he feels that he should do the same.
It does sound like your communication's been all over the place though. How come you're surprised to find that he's going? You didn't discuss it and come to a decision together? Did you RSVP?

babyproblems · 05/08/2023 01:16

Beachbreak2411 · 05/08/2023 01:11

Dear god. He’s going for less than a week. Why do you get to be his prison guard and allow or not him to attend his friends wedding? Try being a single mother and having no option! I feel so sorry for him.

Oh please. It’s not a race to the bottom of how shit can all our lives be

saraclara · 05/08/2023 01:18

WannaBeRecluse · 05/08/2023 00:50

Well that depends. Some people get married in the suburb you live in, others have destination weddings that cost thousands to attend. Big difference.

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The friend travelled as far for OP's wedding as get DH is about to do for his It's not a destination wedding when the groom actually lives in the country where he's getting married.

TheShellBeach · 05/08/2023 01:21

I'm thinking the "don't get mad, get even" approach might just be best.

I have a feeling that your marriage will be in trouble if this is how you and your husband operate. In fact, it already is, because he has gone against your wishes and spent family money, just enjoying himself on a trip abroad.

BungleandGeorge · 05/08/2023 01:32

It sounds like you made the decision you didn’t want to go, you made the decision not to ask relatives to have the children. There were options there. It’s not selfish to want to go to a friends wedding, especially when they travelled a long way for yours. I don’t think you get to dictate what’s important to him just because you have children. I honestly don’t think looking after a one year old and three year old for a few days is that big a deal, you made the choice you wanted to but he’s not allowed to. He should have been clearer that he was going but I guess he thought you wouldn’t consider options even if he told you. He’s only going for 5 nights, presumably to keep it to a minimum time away, the jet lag is going to be horrible!

youknowitIknowit · 05/08/2023 01:38

Most of the women on here have shitty selfish husbands op. They're used to solo parenting and a partner that fucks off because they're not the default parent. You aren't going to get a normal response on here.

user1492757084 · 05/08/2023 01:39

It's disappointing that you all can't go.
Plan a nice long weekend once he is home. He will be exhausted from the long distance travel.

fullbloom87 · 05/08/2023 01:44

Beachbreak2411 · 05/08/2023 01:11

Dear god. He’s going for less than a week. Why do you get to be his prison guard and allow or not him to attend his friends wedding? Try being a single mother and having no option! I feel so sorry for him.

Sorry for him why? He should be thankful he has a wife who does everything for him including going back to work and helping to provide and as a result he has the finances to Swan off to Bali for 5 nights.

WannaBeRecluse · 05/08/2023 01:46

saraclara · 05/08/2023 01:18

The friend travelled as far for OP's wedding as get DH is about to do for his It's not a destination wedding when the groom actually lives in the country where he's getting married.

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That would be fine if everything was equal. Is one friend wealthier than the other? One comfortable one struggling? Kids vs. no kids expenses? You should never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

YouAreAlwaysOnMyMind · 05/08/2023 01:48

Most of the women on here have shitty selfish husbands op. They're used to solo parenting and a partner that fucks off because they're not the default parent. You aren't going to get a normal response on here.

My partner isn’t shitty or selfish, I’m far from a ‘cool wife’ type, I wouldn’t put up with the most of the stuff posted on mumsnet and if anything I’ve been called harsh on here for the amount of LTBs I’ve said,.......but I really wouldn’t see this as an issue. The money is there for it and OP has childcare. Unless there’s something else she’s not saying like the children are particularly hard to cope with or she has PND or something, I think it’s fine.

WannaBeRecluse · 05/08/2023 01:49

The husband isn't swanning off. He's going to a wedding for a minimal length of time, given the amount of the five days that will be travel. If he does this all the time, I see an issue. If it's occasional and OP would be able to do the same, I don't see an issue. How on earth do those of us with husbands who travel regularly for work cope?

fullbloom87 · 05/08/2023 01:54

tilestoclean · 04/08/2023 23:57

Why on Earth shouldn't he go? His money his time his friend. I'd be very sad we couldn't all go but delighted one of us could. Can't you just be happy that he gets to have a lovely break and is able to celebrate with an old friend?

'His' money?? They're a family It doesn't work like that.

fullbloom87 · 05/08/2023 02:00

WannaBeRecluse · 05/08/2023 01:49

The husband isn't swanning off. He's going to a wedding for a minimal length of time, given the amount of the five days that will be travel. If he does this all the time, I see an issue. If it's occasional and OP would be able to do the same, I don't see an issue. How on earth do those of us with husbands who travel regularly for work cope?

Well OP is feeling the stress isn't she. She has a baby and a 3 year old and is expected to go back to work and do night shifts around that time after maternity leave. It's not the best time for him to be jetting off for fun to the other side of the world. She's allowed to feel resentment at him feeling like he's able to do that without feeling bad when she doesn't feel like she could justify going due to possible mum guilt.

sparkellie · 05/08/2023 02:04

How on earth did you get to the point where you were unaware he was going to go? I don't understand at all. Surely when you declined the invite that was done following a discussion?
Has he just changed his mind now? If so, then I'd be pissed off with his lack of communication.
Or did you make the decision that neither of you were going without talking to him? In which case, tough. Learn the lesson and make sure you communicate with him in future.
Either way he can't just rock up to a wedding when nobody knows he's coming! Unless he has been in contact with the friend, and them asked him to come again for some reason? Though if that were the case, I would still expect him to have discussed it with you first.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/08/2023 02:04

Unless you're independently wealthy, I'm curious about two kids, married and he has 'his' money.

Regardless I got married abroad unavoidably and I was glad people came. Including one friend without her DH and three kids. I love her and was very grateful to all of them.

Scienceadvisory · 05/08/2023 02:05

fullbloom87 · 05/08/2023 02:00

Well OP is feeling the stress isn't she. She has a baby and a 3 year old and is expected to go back to work and do night shifts around that time after maternity leave. It's not the best time for him to be jetting off for fun to the other side of the world. She's allowed to feel resentment at him feeling like he's able to do that without feeling bad when she doesn't feel like she could justify going due to possible mum guilt.

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There was nothing stopping the OP from taking annual leave and going too. They could have turned it into a family holiday. She chose not to.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 05/08/2023 02:05

Pre children he was often off on his own trips/holidays and I wouldn't bat an eyelid.

I hope you used to do the same.

Well he'll have hideous jetlag when he returns so don't expect him to be fully functioning the minute he is back. And make sure you take time away too.

Scienceadvisory · 05/08/2023 02:07

fullbloom87 · 05/08/2023 01:54

'His' money?? They're a family It doesn't work like that.

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Except that's it exactly how the OP said it works in her relationship. Just because you wouldn't set it up like that doesn't mean others can't. For all you know, the OP has more money than her husband so likes to keep finances separate.

sparkellie · 05/08/2023 02:09

fullbloom87 · 05/08/2023 01:54

'His' money?? They're a family It doesn't work like that.

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Being married doesn't mean he can't have his own money!
I'd never be in a relationship where I couldn't have my own bank account. As long as there are family finances for the joint things and the financial burden is fairly spread so the op also has their own money, i don't see the issue.