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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A poll for my husband....

472 replies

Sellingbedtime · 04/08/2023 23:00

So we received an invite to a wedding in Bali months ago. I decided probably not a practical decision to go as we have 2 small children 3yo DD and ds who is 11months. Children were not invited to wedding and I wasn't prepared to ask family to look after them. Anyway fast forward to now. Said wedding is fast approaching and DH is very much packing his bag and readying his passport with every intention of going.... Without us.
I've expressed my thoughts regarding it to him. I feel it's just very selfish. To assume it's ok for him to saunter off whilst I stay here in the trenches dealing with the mayhem of a toddler and baby (as well as going to work etc etc). It actually baffles me he thinks it's ok to go. So AIBU??

Happy to hear all response as i feel perhaps I'm missing something and other people husband's/partners/father's of their children frequently make easy breezy trips to the other side of the planet like it's popping to bloody Yarmouth!

OP posts:
tilestoclean · 04/08/2023 23:57

Why on Earth shouldn't he go? His money his time his friend. I'd be very sad we couldn't all go but delighted one of us could. Can't you just be happy that he gets to have a lovely break and is able to celebrate with an old friend?

MollyRover · 04/08/2023 23:57

DH and I have separate bank accounts from which we pay proportional amounts into a joint account for shared expenses and savings. We facilitate breaks for eachother as and when needed, and we don't need to ask permission to spend our own money. Sucks that you can't go to Bali but if he can attend a wedding there and be back in 5 days that's something I would be trying to make happen for him, however you should definitely take a break for yourself another time.

Having small children is hard, you really have to push through the early years. Compromise is key imo

Comedycook · 04/08/2023 23:58

Unfortunately op, all the "cool wives" are out tonight!

zurala · 05/08/2023 00:00

I would not be happy with this at all.

I especially don't understand the posters saying "let him go because he will come back happier". As if making him super happy is the entire point of your life. Ridiculous.

WeirdBarbie · 05/08/2023 00:03

I wouldn’t have a problem with this. If the situation were reversed my DH would also be fine for me to go and he’s fully capable of solo parenting for a week.

Original poster
Sellingbedtime · 05/08/2023 00:04

Thanks for replies. Good to hear all sides.
Thankfully I will get help from my mum as I will be working a couple of night shifts.

Pre children he was often off on his own trips/holidays and I wouldn't bat an eyelid. Just find it harder to smile and wave him off now we have young children.

OP posts:
Charles11 · 05/08/2023 00:05

I'd let him go too. Hopefully he does the same for you.
My dh will go to places without me but he also looks after the kids so I can go to places too.
When dc were young, I mostly stayed home though dh had a few stag dos and weddings abroad.
Now dc are a bit older, I'm the one who goes out more than dh. I've had a few weekends away with friends and 5 days in NY with my sister.

Comedycook · 05/08/2023 00:06

You work nights with a baby and toddler...and your husband does this. It gets worse

CampervanKween · 05/08/2023 00:07

It's not cool wives. It's maintaining a life and friendships. I go once a year to visit with my best friend from school for example and have a fun long weekend somewhere. Also go away with a group of mums to the sun once a year.

Catlady38 · 05/08/2023 00:08

Definitely wait until YOU want to go away, OP, and then smile sweetly and remind him it’s your turn…

Rainbowqueeen · 05/08/2023 00:12

It’s how he has handled it that would bother me. I’d expect him to acknowledge that it will be tough on you and to be spending time putting in place things that will make it easier. So cooking some meals for the freezer, leaving the house spotless and giving you extra time to recharge by yourself for a few weekends ahead of when he leaves.

UsingChangeofName · 05/08/2023 00:12

Unfortunately op, all the "cool wives" are out tonight!

I never understand when this phrase is trotted out what posters are trying to suggest.

If you think it is "cool" to work together as a couple to try to make things work out when either of you particularly want to do something, then yes, I'll take that. Although many of us think it is pretty normal for spouses to try to help each other get the most out of life.

YouAreAlwaysOnMyMind · 05/08/2023 00:13

I’m definitely not a cool wife, but as long as you can sort childcare for work, I don’t really see the issue, unless there’s other things you’re not saying here. It’s only 5 days

Comedycook · 05/08/2023 00:13

CampervanKween · 05/08/2023 00:07

It's not cool wives. It's maintaining a life and friendships. I go once a year to visit with my best friend from school for example and have a fun long weekend somewhere. Also go away with a group of mums to the sun once a year.

It's perfectly doable to maintain a life and friendships without fucking off to the other side of the world without your family. The ops dc are very young and she is working....it's normal when you have babies and toddlers to put your own needs on the back burner.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2023 00:25

Sellingbedtime · 05/08/2023 00:04

Thanks for replies. Good to hear all sides.
Thankfully I will get help from my mum as I will be working a couple of night shifts.

Pre children he was often off on his own trips/holidays and I wouldn't bat an eyelid. Just find it harder to smile and wave him off now we have young children.

what the was actual conversation when YOU deicded it wasn't feasible? Did he agree and say oh no, we should all stay home or was he simply told your deicision?

I do feel your pain tho and wouldn't want DH to just swan off, is he literally dropping this on your last minute?

SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2023 00:26

CampervanKween · 05/08/2023 00:07

It's not cool wives. It's maintaining a life and friendships. I go once a year to visit with my best friend from school for example and have a fun long weekend somewhere. Also go away with a group of mums to the sun once a year.

do you just bugger off tho with little notice even tho your partner works nights thus leaving them with a childcare crisis?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 05/08/2023 00:30

Since reading your updates, YABU.

It's an old friend of his, that made the effort to travel for your wedding. It's only 5 days and he's using his own savings so your family finances are not negatively impacted.

I don't see the issue with you staying home with your own two young children for only 5 days, as you say, you'll have your family to help you whilst you work.

It's a non-issue in my opinion. If we received the invite, I certainly wouldn't want to go or take my children over there at that age, but I'd be happy for my husband to travel alone and he'd have no qualms about going by himself.

fridaynight1 · 05/08/2023 00:32

I think given that his friend made the effort and came to yours then your DH should reciprocate. I've seen the other side of this. Over the past 10 years my DD has spent thousands on other peoples hen nights and weddings, gone out of her way to get to these weddings (all of them on her own which is fine but costs double when you have a room to pay for) and now she's getting married and it's her turn and all these 'friends' are vanishing fast.

BungleandGeorge · 05/08/2023 00:33

there is no childcare crisis, she already said her mum will help. Honestly surely most people could cope alone for a few days, it’s not that big of a deal, especially with family to
help.

WhateverMate · 05/08/2023 00:33

UsingChangeofName · 05/08/2023 00:12

Unfortunately op, all the "cool wives" are out tonight!

I never understand when this phrase is trotted out what posters are trying to suggest.

If you think it is "cool" to work together as a couple to try to make things work out when either of you particularly want to do something, then yes, I'll take that. Although many of us think it is pretty normal for spouses to try to help each other get the most out of life.

'Cool wives' is just a horribly misogynistic term that's often trotted out on MN, to shut women down.

It's up there with calling someone a 'Karen' imo.

QueefQueen80s · 05/08/2023 00:34

He should go. But make sure you book 5 nights away solo so you get a break too.

Iloveacurry · 05/08/2023 00:45

He can go, but you make sure you book a girls weekend away.

MargsMargsMargs · 05/08/2023 00:46

If someone came to your wedding, it’s only fair to try to go theirs.

babyproblems · 05/08/2023 00:48

YANBU, I agree with you that it’s selfish of him to go without you. I’d be pissed off

WannaBeRecluse · 05/08/2023 00:50

I don't think I'm a particularly 'cool wife' but I probably wouldn't have a problem with this if he really wanted to go and it didn't put a strain on the family finances. My general feeling about destination weddings is there is no need to go as they're asking a costly option of guests. As long as he'd be fine if you wanted to do the same and leave him with the kids in a similar situation.