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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A poll for my husband....

472 replies

Sellingbedtime · 04/08/2023 23:00

So we received an invite to a wedding in Bali months ago. I decided probably not a practical decision to go as we have 2 small children 3yo DD and ds who is 11months. Children were not invited to wedding and I wasn't prepared to ask family to look after them. Anyway fast forward to now. Said wedding is fast approaching and DH is very much packing his bag and readying his passport with every intention of going.... Without us.
I've expressed my thoughts regarding it to him. I feel it's just very selfish. To assume it's ok for him to saunter off whilst I stay here in the trenches dealing with the mayhem of a toddler and baby (as well as going to work etc etc). It actually baffles me he thinks it's ok to go. So AIBU??

Happy to hear all response as i feel perhaps I'm missing something and other people husband's/partners/father's of their children frequently make easy breezy trips to the other side of the planet like it's popping to bloody Yarmouth!

OP posts:
Mikimoto · 05/08/2023 02:20

2.5 days will be travelling!

Wonder if OP would be happier if the wedding were in Dusseldorf, or Aberdeen?

Having said that, never been a fan of the "his money/her money" tropes.

AngeloMysterioso · 05/08/2023 02:23

I sodded off to Glastonbury for 5 (nearly 6) days leaving DH in charge of our 3 1/2 and 18 month old dc. He survived.

applepie04 · 05/08/2023 02:29

Do you get to fly off whenever you like?

Charlize43 · 05/08/2023 02:30

Where is the poll?

Trulywonderfulworld · 05/08/2023 03:30

Yanbu.
Its very selfish to go leaving you on your own with the kids. Don’t you get a say in this! I’m truly amazed.
So Definitely book a holiday away for yourself. No discussion required obviously. If he treats you with so little respect it can work both ways.
Id be looking to go for at least a week. Certainly longer than his 5 nights anyway.
Why not!

A weekend away wouldn’t have sufficient impact

Hollyppp · 05/08/2023 03:35

I think he should probably go

Codlingmoths · 05/08/2023 03:42

I agree book your own trip in summer and leave him to it. Imagine a 5 day trip solo!! Take a book! Tell him to sod off, if leaving one parent to manage solo without any kind of discussion about what an effort that is is okay, then it’s ok. Not it’s ok for him and not you.

my Dh is not going on the footy trip- with covid he’s never been as he only joined the team in 2021, I’m relieved he (and the other dads of young families there it sounds like) are all so sensible about it, I was a bit worried he would come to me with all the reasons why it would be fine and ‘it’s important to me’. We have 3 young dc, both work, and it’s just a bit much to ask right now.

SpidersAreShitheads · 05/08/2023 03:42

I think it depends on the dynamics of your relationship. I wouldn’t be impressed with DP having solo trips to other countries without me, and vice versa. Even without the DC factored in. Other couples would find this suffocating. It’s horses for courses. No one is wrong here.

I was very much in the he’s BU camp until your comment that pre-DC you regularly travelled without each other. That comment changed my mind.

As that’s the dynamics of your relationship I don’t see that children changes that. The only proviso is that you get your own tropical getaway without him and the DC in return. That would seem to be fair enough and in keeping with your relationship dynamic.

Honestly that wouldn’t be a happy set up for me but it worked for you pre-DC so there’s no reason for it to be different now. I have twins so coping with two small babies solo was pretty much par for the course (DP isn’t bio dad - he’s not on the scene so I was solo for some time). Two small children for 5 days while working is perfectly do-able. Just return the favour when he’s back.

DivineLillith · 05/08/2023 03:49

I am the wife in the marriage and I have been overseas to two weddings in America. No problem from DH, he did have just one child to wrangle.

We are a his money/ her money couple and all very transparent. He does have a more than me per month but the way bills are settled it works out well. But we both have a very decent amount as no housing costs for 20 years and no childcare costs for 10.

k1233 · 05/08/2023 04:01

I wouldn't be waiting to book your time away. I'd be booking at the same time he books Bali and be making it clear it's up to him to work out how he covers the kids while you're away for your 5 night break.

Dunnoburt · 05/08/2023 04:22

I think he should go.

AgentJohnson · 05/08/2023 04:25

I decided probably not a practical decision to go as we have 2 small children

Sorry, I missed the part where you discussed this and made a joint decision not to go.

PinkNailpolish · 05/08/2023 04:39

Sellingbedtime · 04/08/2023 23:16

So for context it's an old school friend of my husband who is getting married. He will be gone for 5 nights. I know a part of DH feels he should go as this friend, who lives abroad, made the effort and travelled back for our wedding. Which I sort of understand but circumstances were different as no one had children to consider then.
I'm thinking the "don't get mad, get even" approach might just be best. Let him have his holiday then make sure I book time away...

This isn't his sibling's wedding so no, he shouldn't go. Your wedding was different because no one had children to consider. 5 nights is fine for a holiday but not when you have a wife with 2 very young children at home. I highly doubt he'd want to look after them by himself for 5 nights whilst also needing to go to work. Maybe he could compromise by staying 3 nights etc although I still wouldn't like this. My opinion would be different if the children were older.

Mothership4two · 05/08/2023 05:25

I wouldn't have a problem with DH going but there would definitely have been a discussion about it. That's what bothers me the most about your posts OP that it doesn't sound that there was any discussion and he's going anyway.

lexilulu · 05/08/2023 05:31

I don't see the issue. It's his friend, a short time considering how far it is and he's using his own savings. I would fully expect my husband to support me in my choice to do the same. I would expect a conversation about it though. And then I would book a trip away with my friends 😊

morerabbitthansainsburys · 05/08/2023 06:02

If you can afford to then I wouldn't make a big deal about it.

However, I would be planting the seed that you'll be having a girls week away at some stage soon!

WaitingfortheTardis · 05/08/2023 06:03

Sounds selfish to me and also rather surprising he'd opt to be away from his family with young children for it. I would be very unhappy about it.

W0MENclimb · 05/08/2023 06:07

I did this. Went to Mauritius and left Dh with 3 and 1 year old.

Yamaya · 05/08/2023 06:09

I think he should go. When my children were small my husband had to have work trips abroad and although a bit hectic I managed, and didn't have family help.
I think for an old friend, a special occasion, he should be able to go. If you make him stay home it's like you're punishing him because you can't go.

W0MENclimb · 05/08/2023 06:10

But we regularly enjoy separate holidays with our friends.

Waffle19 · 05/08/2023 06:14

I wouldn’t have an issue with him going if he was using his own money. But agree it would be too much for all of you to go!

ChrisPPancake · 05/08/2023 06:18

YABU but I see from your updates @Sellingbedtime that you've realised that.
Definitely make sure to book in your own trip too though!

greenteaandmarshmallows · 05/08/2023 06:21

The time to have raised this was when you got the invite. It's too late once he's said yes.

And yes you should be able to go away for a week without the kids too. Get it booked in.

greenteaandmarshmallows · 05/08/2023 06:22

But my husband is away for work a lot so I'm probably more used to it

Maireas · 05/08/2023 06:23

Sellingbedtime · 04/08/2023 23:19

Also he is using his own money/savings to pay for it

You're married with children. It's family money.