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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A poll for my husband....

472 replies

Sellingbedtime · 04/08/2023 23:00

So we received an invite to a wedding in Bali months ago. I decided probably not a practical decision to go as we have 2 small children 3yo DD and ds who is 11months. Children were not invited to wedding and I wasn't prepared to ask family to look after them. Anyway fast forward to now. Said wedding is fast approaching and DH is very much packing his bag and readying his passport with every intention of going.... Without us.
I've expressed my thoughts regarding it to him. I feel it's just very selfish. To assume it's ok for him to saunter off whilst I stay here in the trenches dealing with the mayhem of a toddler and baby (as well as going to work etc etc). It actually baffles me he thinks it's ok to go. So AIBU??

Happy to hear all response as i feel perhaps I'm missing something and other people husband's/partners/father's of their children frequently make easy breezy trips to the other side of the planet like it's popping to bloody Yarmouth!

OP posts:
Hayliebells · 05/08/2023 06:23

I would be Ok with my husband going in those circumstances, mine has done the same thing. And he's also been fine with me going away with friends for a few days. Would your DH do the same for you? If you know he wouldn't, I'd be less likely to say YABU.

Maireas · 05/08/2023 06:25

Mothership4two · 05/08/2023 05:25

I wouldn't have a problem with DH going but there would definitely have been a discussion about it. That's what bothers me the most about your posts OP that it doesn't sound that there was any discussion and he's going anyway.

I think that's the point, really. It's the principle.

BLT24 · 05/08/2023 06:29

I think it’s reasonable for him to go if it’s affordable (this is obviously very subjective for me that would mean I don’t have to go without my usual spends) and if you’re also able to do what you want and have a break from the kids.

BorneoBound · 05/08/2023 06:33

My husband has done this with my approval, but the circumstances were a bit different. The kids were probably 7 and 5 then, it wasn't costing us much (DH nan paid for his flight, so we only had hotels and spending money to find money for) and he was traveling to where he grew up to go to a family wedding. Also seeing some family he hadn't seen in 2 decades in the process.

In your situation while I would be a bit miffed I would let it slide. He's paying for it himself and as the friend lives abroad he possibly hasn't seen them in a long time. They must still be reasonably close to be invited to the wedding. Just bank it for when you want a few days away.

Mothership4two · 05/08/2023 06:36

It isn't that clear from OP's posts @Maireas but she seems mainly concerned with being left to man "the trenches" without him.

Maireas · 05/08/2023 06:37

I'm confused by this "paying for himself". He's a husband and father. That's a lot of money, not just an overnight jolly or a couple of nights on the costas. If he has so much disposable income he should be putting it into a family savings account, surely? Anyway, I think it's the lack of discussion that's the problem here really.

Mothership4two · 05/08/2023 06:37

As an ex Forces wife I probably have a different perspective to the OP though

Maireas · 05/08/2023 06:38

Mothership4two · 05/08/2023 06:36

It isn't that clear from OP's posts @Maireas but she seems mainly concerned with being left to man "the trenches" without him.

Yes, you're right, that is the point. The children are very little.

Lifeisonebigadventure · 05/08/2023 06:40

My partner goes away for just under a week most years. I’m happy with this, he pays for it, it’s healthy for us to have time apart and if I wanted too I could also have a trip away.

Maireas · 05/08/2023 06:41

Mothership4two · 05/08/2023 06:37

As an ex Forces wife I probably have a different perspective to the OP though

To be fair, that was your husband's job and it earned rather than costed. However, kudos to you for effectively being a single parent for lomg stretches. Forces families have serious challenges.

Theredjellybean · 05/08/2023 06:44

It's five days...not weeks and weeks.
He is an adult and shouldn't need approval from you to go do something..but I'd expect a discussion.
Did you discuss saying no in the first place or did you unilaterally decide you both weren't going ?

Maybe your dh feels you are being unreasonable in refusing to leave the DC for five days and go to Bali with him.

As you decided you couldn't leave the DC, it doesn't mean he has to feel the same, and yes you should also get a jolly at some point so as long as that's agreed I don't see what the fuss is

Rosebel · 05/08/2023 06:47

You are surprised /annoyed your DH is going to the wedding but surely you discussed it beforehand. Surely you didn't decide not to go and not tell him?
It's good your mum is going to help out and I agree about booking some time away with a friend at a later date but don't think you should be annoyed.
It's 5 days, it's an old friend and he's using his money so not family money. The only way he is unreasonable is if you asked him not to go before you RSVPed he said he wouldn't but then changed his mind.

Mothership4two · 05/08/2023 06:52

Thanks @Maireas. I meant if he had gone off for a wedding without us when the boys were young (with a reason) I would have been more accepting than the OP because that was our norm. And we would of had a big discussion about it

HandScreen · 05/08/2023 06:54

I don't think I understand the problem. Are you worried about looking after your kids on your own for less than a week? Do you have any additional needs that you haven't told us about?

BrookNoRivals · 05/08/2023 06:56

I’d be happy for my husband to go in that situation. However I would expect him to discuss it with me and not just assume.

KlingonLion · 05/08/2023 06:59

This would simply be a quid pro quo in our house.

We try to give each other the ability to do all these things - we've always been independent people and both value freedom to do the things we love - but the trade would be discussed beforehand. Like, OK, 5 days in Bali for you in August, 5 days away for me in October.

Simple, no resentment, fair time for each!

frazzledasarock · 05/08/2023 07:00

My DH wouldn’t do something like this. And I don’t work nights!

Make sure you book five nights away somewhere nice and ensure he gets to experience it from your side.

You don’t just pick and waltz off when you’ve got young kids without discussing logistics and agreeing with the person taking care of your joint children.

Maddy70 · 05/08/2023 07:06

If it's his oldest friend he should go if you can afford it.

You could make this a family holiday though and he just goes to the wedding while you spend the day in the pool ?

Totalwasteofpaper · 05/08/2023 07:08

It's a bit off a dick move but your mum will help and he is doing it so I'd make the best of it.

Assuming he is an actual adult and parent and you are not going to give the drip feed that he has never actually looked after both of them together and his you dont think its safe.....

Personally... i would go with it but tell him you will be taking 5 days too.
If he is coming back friday I would leave the family house for 2 x weekends back to back starting the day he returns from friday 7-8pm to sunday 9pm. and keep a day in lieu for later in the year.

Maybe go somewhere with your mum (day trips nearby and stay at hers) to thank her for her help.... or do something just for you or with friends.

I have done similar with my husband and it works well. He has modified solo trips to 24 to 48 hours. I get some downtime as well, its cool.... no resentment works for us.

Dashel · 05/08/2023 07:08

I don’t have DC but I would be pissed off if my DH was spending a lot of money and annual leave doing something that benefited him for an old school friend. If it was a close family member or his best friend I would grumble but accept it.

It isn’t his money any longer you are married with children and the time and money should be spent on the family.

If your family has the resources to make sure you can do the same then it isn’t so bad but I wonder if you were serious about booking something whether he would find excuses to delay or stop you?

GrinAndVomit · 05/08/2023 07:13

My criteria would be:

Is the person getting married a long standing presence in your husband’s life?

Can you afford for him to go?

Will you also be able to have a few days break in the near future?

If yes to all the above, I’d happily let him go.

Escapetofrance · 05/08/2023 07:13

I would be very annoyed if my dh did this, but like you, would be planning something amazing to do when he gets back.

VictoriaVenkman · 05/08/2023 07:14

I decided probably not a practical decision to go

But what did he say to that?

WonderingWanda · 05/08/2023 07:15

I would be very unimpressed with this. Why on earth should he get to go childfree and have a lovely time and not op? And why should he assume op will be looking after the kids? I also completely understand why you would not both of you to travel and leave your young children behind in another country. If, they had a conversation about maybe one of them going, drawn straws and had a sensible discussion about coping at home alone then yes, compromise would be fine. However, that doesn't seem to be what op's husband has done, he is just carrying on as if he is single.

Cosycover · 05/08/2023 07:16

I think the biggest issue is that there hasn't been a discussion. He's just decided to go.

He should have spoke to you about it instead of assuming you were fine with it.