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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this showed a really selfish mindset?

290 replies

PipSqueal · 03/08/2023 14:57

Newish relationship. We don’t live together.

When I cook stir fry, black bean etc I always put a handful of prawn crackers on the plate, I love them and so do the kids.

Anyway a few weeks ago I cooked a stir fry for both of us and added the usual prawn crackers. He said “what’s that? Why did you put them on?” Etc so I said I always do and he can just leave them if he doesn’t like them. He kept going on about it saying it was “weird” and “but why?” Etc etc 🙄

Anyway fast forward to this morning, I’m making Chinese curry and noodles for dinner so in Tesco this morning I put a bag of prawn crackers in the basket. He saw them and said “oh, don’t bother buying those, I don’t like them” so I said “well, I do … “ and left them in my basket. He seemed really taken back that the shop didn’t revolve around him!! I know it’s a small “non event” but what a selfish mindset?? Is this a red flag?

OP posts:
AvidMerrian · 03/08/2023 14:59

Actually that level of selfishness is a red flag- the assumption that you have to justify and ask his approval for prawn crackers.

Watch out frog, he’s turning the heat up.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 03/08/2023 14:59

Not sure why he thinks it is so weird.

I wouldn't LTB over something so small, but I would be watching for other things that could add up.

Ace56 · 03/08/2023 15:01

Yes, a bit weird and selfish of him. I’d also be surprised that he was so shocked you’d put them on the plate in the first place - as if he can’t understand that people like different things and have different ways of doing things!

Definitely something to be looking out for in future.

Thisishard23 · 03/08/2023 15:02

Yes. The devil's in the details. Control freak alert.

VeridicalVagabond · 03/08/2023 15:05

Hmmm I'd say it's a small red flag. Nothing to immediately end the relationship over but something to keep an eye on. It might've just been a momentary brain fart for him, or it might be the first sign that he's quite a self absorbed person who expects everything to be centered on his wants and desires.

Just be vigilant for any other little warning signs.

Merryoldgoat · 03/08/2023 15:06

Just echoing the other posters that I’d feel it was certainly something to watch…

Elvis1956 · 03/08/2023 15:13

Not liking something is one thing. Telling someone who clearly does not to buy them is weird and controlling. I think he is clearly self centered.

Coffeaddict · 03/08/2023 15:15

VeridicalVagabond · 03/08/2023 15:05

Hmmm I'd say it's a small red flag. Nothing to immediately end the relationship over but something to keep an eye on. It might've just been a momentary brain fart for him, or it might be the first sign that he's quite a self absorbed person who expects everything to be centered on his wants and desires.

Just be vigilant for any other little warning signs.

This

My DP doesn't like stuffing, I live it he would never tell me not to make it but just wouldn't put it on his plate

Equally I will still put marmite in the trolley if he's run out even though I find the stuff revolting

ManateeFair · 03/08/2023 15:15

This is one of those things that, in isolation, does seem like a small non-event BUT I'm with you on this because I'd be wondering if it was indicative of a more general mindset.

To me, it sounds like the behaviour of either a) someone who simply cannot comprehend that other people might like different things to them or b) someone who is just utterly self-centred and thinks the world revolves around them.

I mean, I'm not saying I'd immediately dump him or anything but I would certainly be looking out for other egocentric behaviours from him!

Did you point out to him that your food shopping isn't just for him? Not that I'm saying you should have made a big deal of it or anything, but I was just wondering whether, if you mentioned it, how he reacted.

purplecorkheart · 03/08/2023 15:15

Sorry the supermarket thing would be a red flag for me. He thinks that you shouldn't buy prawn crackers just because he does not like them. Sounds like he think the world revolves around him and you and your children opinions don't matter.

caringcarer · 03/08/2023 15:15

So he thinks if he doesn't like them none of you should eat them? We buy some things DH likes but not me (Marmite, mushrooms) and some things I like but not him (creme fresh, nectarines). That's normal in my book.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 03/08/2023 15:16

Is he selfish in other areas op???

honeylulu · 03/08/2023 15:20

Sounds self centred and closed minded. Keep an eye on it and stand firm. My dad is very like that. He really finds it incomprehensible that anyone has different preferences and opinions to him. For example he hates coffee and my mum likes a mid morning cup. If he's ever around when she's drinking it he goes on and on and on about how revolting it is as if he's personally offended. It's very tiresome and he's been pandered to so no chance he will change now.

Limth · 03/08/2023 15:22

To be honest, OP, it doesn't really matter whether people on MN think its a red flag or not.

The point is that the whole incident gave you pause for thought and made you go "Hang on a second..."

That's what matters. Listen to your gut. You clearly think its a red flag, or perhaps its given you a bit of 'ick'. It's certainly made you think he's a selfish person. So, what next?

cymbidium · 03/08/2023 15:24

Is it not something his mummy used to do.

cymbidium · 03/08/2023 15:27

He saw them and said “oh, don’t bother buying those, I don’t like them”

He already knew that you obviously like them, still he told you not to buy them.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2023 15:30

It's a HUGE red flag and you'd have to be very foolish to dismiss it. Sometimes small, seeming inconsequential responses and behaviours tell a massive story. This man is self-absorbed and probably has some very narcissistic traits. Stay with him and he'll display more, I guarantee it.

coodawoodashooda · 03/08/2023 15:31

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 03/08/2023 14:59

Not sure why he thinks it is so weird.

I wouldn't LTB over something so small, but I would be watching for other things that could add up.

It's not small. I would run.

coodawoodashooda · 03/08/2023 15:32

purplecorkheart · 03/08/2023 15:15

Sorry the supermarket thing would be a red flag for me. He thinks that you shouldn't buy prawn crackers just because he does not like them. Sounds like he think the world revolves around him and you and your children opinions don't matter.

Yeah. Pig.

MoonLion · 03/08/2023 15:33

Will you be cooking for the kids tonight, or just you and him? To me this makes a big difference. It's selfish to deprive several people of something they enjoy, especially something like this that's easy to have or not have, but if I'm just cooking for two, then I probably wouldn't include something I know he doesn't like.

cymbidium · 03/08/2023 15:35

See if he mentions how weird it is again when you put some on your plate. If he does I’d confront him.

viques · 03/08/2023 15:36

I think it is time he did some shopping and cooking for himself.

It is bad enough being judgemental about the shopping trollies of total strangers (hands up, guilty!) , but when someone starts critically evaluating your shopping trolley contents and cooking it is time to steer them towards the frozen dinners for one section of the supermarket.

Limth · 03/08/2023 15:39

MoonLion · 03/08/2023 15:33

Will you be cooking for the kids tonight, or just you and him? To me this makes a big difference. It's selfish to deprive several people of something they enjoy, especially something like this that's easy to have or not have, but if I'm just cooking for two, then I probably wouldn't include something I know he doesn't like.

So you'd deprive yourself of something that you like just because your DP/DH doesn't like it? Why?

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2023 15:39

MoonLion · 03/08/2023 15:33

Will you be cooking for the kids tonight, or just you and him? To me this makes a big difference. It's selfish to deprive several people of something they enjoy, especially something like this that's easy to have or not have, but if I'm just cooking for two, then I probably wouldn't include something I know he doesn't like.

The op would put the crackers on her plate, not his. She knows he doesn't like them and obviously wouldn't force them on him. She shouldn't have any at all because he doesn't like them? You can't be serious.

Merapi · 03/08/2023 15:40

MoonLion · 03/08/2023 15:33

Will you be cooking for the kids tonight, or just you and him? To me this makes a big difference. It's selfish to deprive several people of something they enjoy, especially something like this that's easy to have or not have, but if I'm just cooking for two, then I probably wouldn't include something I know he doesn't like.

Yes, but it's prawn crackers. They're not exactly an integral ingredient of the meal that would be impossible to avoid, like including garlic in a sauce for instance.

Why should the OP deny herself something she likes just because he doesn't?