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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this showed a really selfish mindset?

290 replies

PipSqueal · 03/08/2023 14:57

Newish relationship. We don’t live together.

When I cook stir fry, black bean etc I always put a handful of prawn crackers on the plate, I love them and so do the kids.

Anyway a few weeks ago I cooked a stir fry for both of us and added the usual prawn crackers. He said “what’s that? Why did you put them on?” Etc so I said I always do and he can just leave them if he doesn’t like them. He kept going on about it saying it was “weird” and “but why?” Etc etc 🙄

Anyway fast forward to this morning, I’m making Chinese curry and noodles for dinner so in Tesco this morning I put a bag of prawn crackers in the basket. He saw them and said “oh, don’t bother buying those, I don’t like them” so I said “well, I do … “ and left them in my basket. He seemed really taken back that the shop didn’t revolve around him!! I know it’s a small “non event” but what a selfish mindset?? Is this a red flag?

OP posts:
VinEtFromage · 03/08/2023 16:22

SlowlyLosing · 03/08/2023 15:51

Is there any more context to this eg you're deep in debt and every penny matters? One of you is supposed to be trying to lose weight or eat healthier? Kids eat too much junk?

If not its odd he'd say something like that. If you have a good relationship I'd be inclined to ask what he was thinking when he said it.

@SlowlyLosing

its a new relationship & they don't live together. She's an adult, it's none of his business.

VinEtFromage · 03/08/2023 16:24

CantFindTheBeat · 03/08/2023 15:58

As @Limth says - only you know him.

Did he think you were doing crackers especially for him?

Is he great and generous in general?

Tell us!

@CantFindTheBeat

hardly after the big fat fuss he made over them last time!!

VinEtFromage · 03/08/2023 16:25

VinEtFromage · 03/08/2023 16:00

@PipSqueal

start with the previous time, when you put them on his plate. I wouldn't have done that, I'd have just put them in a bowl on the table. I would find it a little bit odd for someone to put them on my plate, BUT not that unusual if they ordinarily dish up the entire meal.

I'd have just said, I don't like them, do you want them?

it's weird he carried on & on about it.

As for the supermarket, YOU were buying food for you, the kids & him... WTAF does he think it matters whether he likes them or not?

Sorry, but he's coming across badly here. Bad manners, selfish & just a dick.

Do he do any cooking/shopping??

' Do he do' fucking phone!!🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

Alloveragain3 · 03/08/2023 16:26

Curious to know what his previous relationship was like. Was his partner very meek?

diddl · 03/08/2023 16:27

So you put them on/at the side of the meal?

I would find that odd tbh.

But the supermarket thing is odd imo.

He already knew that you eat prawn crackers with the meal so him liking them or not is irrelevant isn't it?

I'm not too sure that it is such a small thing tbh.

I think I'd quit whilst I'm ahead!

VinEtFromage · 03/08/2023 16:29

Onelifeonly · 03/08/2023 16:12

It's unnecessarily judgemental, for sure. Or shows an inability to see things from others' points of view. But taken by itself, it's fairly minor. I expect we are all selfish at times. Just watch out for similar behaviours.

It's only in recent years that I have realised a long ago ex of mine did this kind of thing. I didn't like it then but didn't see it for what it was. He also had a moral standpoint at times (or lack of, I should say) that irked me.

@Onelifeonly I find your use of 'selfish' a bit strange. Why do you think him commenting on what she's buying for herself 'selfish'?

rude/controlling etc definitely but how is HIS behaviour 'selfish'??

Duckafuk · 03/08/2023 16:30

Well, its a fucking huge red flag for me, my abusive ex once reduced me to a stammering mess in Tesco trying to justify why I was buying pitta bread. He was controlling and turned violent ( 30 odd years ago but I still remember it like yesterday)

ilyana · 03/08/2023 16:30

Red flag!!!! I had a narcissist ex who started the abuse like this. He'd call completely normal behaviour "weird" and act like I was nuts for doing something totally normal.

An example, I usually reserve an Ocado shop by putting something like whiskey in the basket to get the minimum spend, then I add to the shop over the next few days as I think about what I want to order. Every time, he acted like this was the craziest thing anyone had ever done and asked me why I didn't just do the shop in one go. I explained that I preferred to wait and see what I felt like eating until the day before (but that I needed to reserve the slot earlier than that) and he still went on and on about it. Countless examples like that.

At best, it's narcissistic behaviour and at worst, it's a childish, dull, stupid mind that can't understand that not everyone is exactly like him. I'd dump him.

YoureALizardHarry11 · 03/08/2023 16:31

MoonLion · 03/08/2023 15:33

Will you be cooking for the kids tonight, or just you and him? To me this makes a big difference. It's selfish to deprive several people of something they enjoy, especially something like this that's easy to have or not have, but if I'm just cooking for two, then I probably wouldn't include something I know he doesn't like.

But prawn crackers aren’t compulsory!? If he doesn’t like them he just doesn’t put them on his plate. Why should OP not have them? I’d say something to him OP, it’s cheeky. Nip it in the bud now.

VinEtFromage · 03/08/2023 16:32

YoureALizardHarry11 · 03/08/2023 16:31

But prawn crackers aren’t compulsory!? If he doesn’t like them he just doesn’t put them on his plate. Why should OP not have them? I’d say something to him OP, it’s cheeky. Nip it in the bud now.

Show quote history

@YoureALizardHarry11

id say something to him too, fuck off, springs to mind!!

YoureALizardHarry11 · 03/08/2023 16:36

VinEtFromage · 03/08/2023 16:32

@YoureALizardHarry11

id say something to him too, fuck off, springs to mind!!

Show quote history

Exactly. To be honest, it’s him that’s the fucking weirdo not OP. What’s weird about prawn crackers with a Chinese? They’re lovely, but even if you don’t like them they’re still a normal accompaniment to a Chinese meal for a lot of people.

ChubbyMorticia · 03/08/2023 16:40

He doesn’t live with you, isn’t paying your bills or probably for the groceries. Why does he think he gets a vote at all? That’s bizarre to me.

My husband loves smoked oysters. I run from the room gagging if he opens a tin while I’m in the kitchen. I still buy them for him. I prefer red grapes to green. He doesn’t care. He buys red. He hates chicken fingers. I love them. He buys them.

The policing of food for a home that he’s a guest in would have me noping out.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 03/08/2023 16:42

It's definitely a red warning light flashing to warn you he is selfish and potentially controlling
He was shocked when you left the prawn crackers in your basket
Be vigilant and dump the moment your gut instinct tells you to

GraysPapaya · 03/08/2023 16:43

To be honest he’s either a bit thick or controlling and I’d be interested in neither. Run! Who cares if you are putting things in your basket YOU like? Strange behaviour from him for sure.

Olika · 03/08/2023 16:46

That's a bit worrying for me so I would keep eye on him and if anything else comes up I would walk away.

Rainbow1901 · 03/08/2023 16:51

Does seem a little odd!! I don't like chocolate but still buy it for DH because he loves the stuff. He buys all kinds of nuts but I don't eat them - it's not weird - people like and eat different things and if he going to dictate what you buy and pay for - he can go hungry!!

Hibiscrubbed · 03/08/2023 16:53

Too fucking right it’s a red flag. It’s like it didn’t actually occur to him that you might like them. How is someone that self-involved?!

This way only misery lies.

Luxell934 · 03/08/2023 16:56

Fair enough for telling you he doesn’t like them so you don’t give him any on his plate, but to be that self absorbed that he thinks his opinion is the only one that matters is a red flag.

Verv · 03/08/2023 16:57

Red flag imo.
It'll swiftly move on to things above and beyond prawn crackers.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/08/2023 17:03

I put a bag of prawn crackers in the basket. He saw them and said “oh, don’t bother buying those, I don’t like them” so I said “well, I do … “ and left them in my basket. He seemed really taken back that the shop didn’t revolve around him!! I know it’s a small “non event” but what a selfish mindset?? Is this a red flag?

It’s a non event to me. I never presume to know what another person is thinking. I’d have no idea if he was “taken aback that the shop didn’t revolve around him” ? He didn’t say anything to that effect, so why would you go straight to thinking something bad about him?

DrCoconut · 03/08/2023 17:04

My ex started subtly like that. It ended up where he had total control over what/if I ate. If I "pissed him off" he would deny me permission to have dinner. My packed lunch for uni had to be "agreed" first. After the "no need to get that" phase, it was dressed up as concern for my health and our finances and eventually he didn't even bother to disguise it any more. I wouldn't necessarily panic now but I'd be very watchful for a pattern developing. I'd also listen if anyone else mentions concerns as often others can see it first.

Paperclipped · 03/08/2023 17:06

saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/08/2023 15:46

Did you ask him about it his weird response? I would have.

“Why would I not buy them just because you don’t like them?” Or probably less confrontational “That was an odd thing to suggest/say, why would you say that?”

Yes, I'd find that concerning. It sounds as if he doesn't have any theory of mind!

Paperclipped · 03/08/2023 17:07

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/08/2023 17:03

I put a bag of prawn crackers in the basket. He saw them and said “oh, don’t bother buying those, I don’t like them” so I said “well, I do … “ and left them in my basket. He seemed really taken back that the shop didn’t revolve around him!! I know it’s a small “non event” but what a selfish mindset?? Is this a red flag?

It’s a non event to me. I never presume to know what another person is thinking. I’d have no idea if he was “taken aback that the shop didn’t revolve around him” ? He didn’t say anything to that effect, so why would you go straight to thinking something bad about him?

She knows what he's thinking in this situation, because he has told her. He instructed her not to buy something because he didn't like it. It suggests a worrying inability to grasp that the OP has a different individual subjectivity.

DrSbaitso · 03/08/2023 17:08

It's a bit weird. Is he very myopic and self-centred in other ways?

pictoosh · 03/08/2023 17:08

"He saw them and said “oh, don’t bother buying those, I don’t like them” so I said “well, I do … “ and left them in my basket. He seemed really taken back that the shop didn’t revolve around him!!"

What do you mean by 'taken aback'?
Did he seem put out/irritated that you told him YOU liked them and didn't put them back?