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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this showed a really selfish mindset?

290 replies

PipSqueal · 03/08/2023 14:57

Newish relationship. We don’t live together.

When I cook stir fry, black bean etc I always put a handful of prawn crackers on the plate, I love them and so do the kids.

Anyway a few weeks ago I cooked a stir fry for both of us and added the usual prawn crackers. He said “what’s that? Why did you put them on?” Etc so I said I always do and he can just leave them if he doesn’t like them. He kept going on about it saying it was “weird” and “but why?” Etc etc 🙄

Anyway fast forward to this morning, I’m making Chinese curry and noodles for dinner so in Tesco this morning I put a bag of prawn crackers in the basket. He saw them and said “oh, don’t bother buying those, I don’t like them” so I said “well, I do … “ and left them in my basket. He seemed really taken back that the shop didn’t revolve around him!! I know it’s a small “non event” but what a selfish mindset?? Is this a red flag?

OP posts:
CrapBucket · 03/08/2023 19:18

He is either a nasty selfish arsehole or he has misophonia and is too embarrassed to tell you. What is he like re crisps, poppadoms, and other noisy crunchy food?

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/08/2023 19:20

Paperclipped · 03/08/2023 19:08

Sigh. He gets to dislike prawn crackers. What is concerning is that he sees his dislike of prawn crackers as a reason for the OP not to buy them.

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It would be a reason not to buy them if he forgot she likes them. Not all of us remember exactly what a new man/woman ate with their dinner from a few weeks ago to this morning. Once she said she likes them…he shut right up. Not a peep.

ThatFraggle · 03/08/2023 19:22

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/08/2023 19:18

Yes, stop being so fucking ridiculous, if he’s being controlling by simply saying don’t bother buying those, I don’t like them then she’s controlling by deciding what food he eats by making his plates of food.

It’s all fucking ridiculous in my opinion. I would not want to live in your world where even the most innocent things herald disaster. Might as well do a Tarot reading on him while you are at it what with all psychic powers being displayed on this thread.

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Many, many people are in shitty relationships.

I bet if more knew to look for signs in the early days, there would be fewer in that situation.

If I'm going shopping with you and I've seen you eating hob nobs, when I tell you "don't buy hob nobs!" you'll look at me like I'm crazy.

Just because it's a new partner, why is that magically ok in your eyes?

frazzledasarock · 03/08/2023 19:23

I’d ltb over ‘something this small’ because it’s I’d rather not invest time and emotion on on a clearly very selfish man.

CherryMaDeara · 03/08/2023 19:24

I hate prawn crackers but still think he’s a knob. Dump him.

pictoosh · 03/08/2023 19:26

You've never been with a controlling partner have you @ReleasetheCrackHen?
I'm not criticising you but I can see there are others here who have and know that this seemingly innocuous exchange is how it starts.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/08/2023 19:27

ThatFraggle · 03/08/2023 19:22

Many, many people are in shitty relationships.

I bet if more knew to look for signs in the early days, there would be fewer in that situation.

If I'm going shopping with you and I've seen you eating hob nobs, when I tell you "don't buy hob nobs!" you'll look at me like I'm crazy.

Just because it's a new partner, why is that magically ok in your eyes?

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It’s a bit self-centred to think that anyone you are in a new relationship with is going to recall you were eating a hob nob (or prawn crackers) several weeks ago. Do you recall exactly what you ate, every last bit of food between now and several weeks ago? No, of course not.

pictoosh · 03/08/2023 19:28

This is why I have asked the OP exactly HOW he reacted and seemed 'taken aback'. That's vital. If he was visibly put out or irritated by the OP not putting them back, I'd say she's got good intuition.

user1471453601 · 03/08/2023 19:29

I voted yanbu, but I'm not sure I'm the one to judge. I once finished things with someone because he asked me what paper id like him to get me from the newsagents. I asked for The Guardian. He brought back ..... Shock and horror The Telegraph.

I figured that if he didn't have the political interest to know the difference between those newspapers, we were never going to make a compatible couple.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/08/2023 19:30

pictoosh · 03/08/2023 19:26

You've never been with a controlling partner have you @ReleasetheCrackHen?
I'm not criticising you but I can see there are others here who have and know that this seemingly innocuous exchange is how it starts.

I’ve had this exact same sort of food shopping exchange with partners who were definitely not controlling. So, it’s not a red flag to me. The problem with having been in an abusive relationship is that even innocent exchanges can trigger PTSD responses. That doesn’t mean the exchange is a controlling relationship starting, it just means that posters are projecting their PTSD fears on to the thread.

pictoosh · 03/08/2023 19:30

And let's face it OP wouldn't be narked if he'd been cool with her keeping her crackers. She senses that he was annoyed about something he has no business being annoyed about.
But she hasn't come back to say either way.

saraclara · 03/08/2023 19:31

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/08/2023 19:18

Yes, stop being so fucking ridiculous, if he’s being controlling by simply saying don’t bother buying those, I don’t like them then she’s controlling by deciding what food he eats by making his plates of food.

It’s all fucking ridiculous in my opinion. I would not want to live in your world where even the most innocent things herald disaster. Might as well do a Tarot reading on him while you are at it what with all psychic powers being displayed on this thread.

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He didn't just say he didn't want them with his meal, he said that she shouldn't buy them for herself and the kids, because he doesn't like them. Can you not see the difference?

My late husband was a bit fussy about various veggies. But he didn't insist that the rest of us didn't have them and not let me but them at all. He just left the bowl of broccoli alone and just ate his peas and carrots!

10HailMarys · 03/08/2023 19:32

VinEtFromage · 03/08/2023 16:29

@Onelifeonly I find your use of 'selfish' a bit strange. Why do you think him commenting on what she's buying for herself 'selfish'?

rude/controlling etc definitely but how is HIS behaviour 'selfish'??

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The selfish part is that he said she didn’t need to buy prawn crackers because he doesn’t like them. It is fundamentally selfish to suggest that his taste in food should dictate what she buys for herself and her kids.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/08/2023 19:32

saraclara · 03/08/2023 19:31

He didn't just say he didn't want them with his meal, he said that she shouldn't buy them for herself and the kids, because he doesn't like them. Can you not see the difference?

My late husband was a bit fussy about various veggies. But he didn't insist that the rest of us didn't have them and not let me but them at all. He just left the bowl of broccoli alone and just ate his peas and carrots!

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he said that she shouldn't buy them for herself and the kids, because he doesn't like them.

He didn’t say that. You’re projecting.

10HailMarys · 03/08/2023 19:35

CrapBucket · 03/08/2023 19:18

He is either a nasty selfish arsehole or he has misophonia and is too embarrassed to tell you. What is he like re crisps, poppadoms, and other noisy crunchy food?

Oh for fuck’s sake.

Only on Mumsnet would someone try to justify this behaviour with a medical cause

pictoosh · 03/08/2023 19:40

And you might be right that it's sheer projection but I think it's far more likely simple experience says that this behaviour signals an issue. Why did he even feel the need to mention it? That's what red flags are.

My controlling narc would go in the huff/have a tantrum/lecture me/hold me in contempt if I made birthday cakes for the kids that weren't a victoria sponge, which was HIS favourite. If they preferred a chocolate cake and I made one it was a personal attack on him, as well as a reason to lecture me on how feeble minded I am. He doesn't like chocolate cake.

bonzaitree · 03/08/2023 19:47

I’d keep a close eye on this.

10HailMarys · 03/08/2023 19:49

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/08/2023 19:27

It’s a bit self-centred to think that anyone you are in a new relationship with is going to recall you were eating a hob nob (or prawn crackers) several weeks ago. Do you recall exactly what you ate, every last bit of food between now and several weeks ago? No, of course not.

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it doesn’t matter what he’s seen her eating or what he remembers. The point is that he saw her put something in her basket and told her not to buy it because HE didn’t like it, without even considering that she might want to want eat it herself. They don’t live together and she has kids. Why the fuck would he think that everything in her shopping basket must be for him?

Original poster
PipSqueal · 03/08/2023 19:55

So after I said “well I do(like them)” he looked all confused and then said “but it’s stupid, crisps on a main meal? Who does that” so yes, he was implying that I shouldn’t be eating them either.

I was paying for the groceries (this is a whole other thread!) and I was cooking for just the two of us. The prawn crackers were for me, I had no intention of putting any on his plate.

OP posts:
ilyana · 03/08/2023 19:57

PipSqueal · 03/08/2023 19:55

So after I said “well I do(like them)” he looked all confused and then said “but it’s stupid, crisps on a main meal? Who does that” so yes, he was implying that I shouldn’t be eating them either.

I was paying for the groceries (this is a whole other thread!) and I was cooking for just the two of us. The prawn crackers were for me, I had no intention of putting any on his plate.

Yep, this is what mine was like. Couldn't get his head around me having different thoughts or ideas or doing anything differently. It's controlling and a sign of a very narrow mind. I wish I'd got out at that point, before it got much worse.

cymbidium · 03/08/2023 19:58

PipSqueal · 03/08/2023 19:55

So after I said “well I do(like them)” he looked all confused and then said “but it’s stupid, crisps on a main meal? Who does that” so yes, he was implying that I shouldn’t be eating them either.

I was paying for the groceries (this is a whole other thread!) and I was cooking for just the two of us. The prawn crackers were for me, I had no intention of putting any on his plate.

So he hasn’t actually seen them before and think they are crisps, so is generally confused..

Original poster
PipSqueal · 03/08/2023 20:02

cymbidium · 03/08/2023 19:58

So he hasn’t actually seen them before and think they are crisps, so is generally confused..

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No he knows exactly what they are as we get them in Chinese restaurants. He’s a fan of deciding to be confused when it suits

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 03/08/2023 20:03

After reading your updates I am convinced you need to run from this weirdo asap.

Charley50 · 03/08/2023 20:03

Does he think they're Quavers? Re: money. Is he tight? Probably best just to throw this prawn back in the sea.

Charley50 · 03/08/2023 20:04

Oops, cross-posted

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