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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this showed a really selfish mindset?

290 replies

PipSqueal · 03/08/2023 14:57

Newish relationship. We don’t live together.

When I cook stir fry, black bean etc I always put a handful of prawn crackers on the plate, I love them and so do the kids.

Anyway a few weeks ago I cooked a stir fry for both of us and added the usual prawn crackers. He said “what’s that? Why did you put them on?” Etc so I said I always do and he can just leave them if he doesn’t like them. He kept going on about it saying it was “weird” and “but why?” Etc etc 🙄

Anyway fast forward to this morning, I’m making Chinese curry and noodles for dinner so in Tesco this morning I put a bag of prawn crackers in the basket. He saw them and said “oh, don’t bother buying those, I don’t like them” so I said “well, I do … “ and left them in my basket. He seemed really taken back that the shop didn’t revolve around him!! I know it’s a small “non event” but what a selfish mindset?? Is this a red flag?

OP posts:
pictoosh · 03/08/2023 17:11

P.s Tiny shit like this can indeed be the biggest red flag.

Serendipitoushedgehog · 03/08/2023 17:12

Yep.

TenderDandelions · 03/08/2023 17:17

Best case he's a bit selfish and has possibly been on his own too long to realise the world doesn't entirely revolve around him. Hopefully he'll learn.

Worst case he's a controlling arse who's starting to show his true colours. Beware!

FrivolousTreeDuck · 03/08/2023 17:19

Pathetic attitude from him - toddler mindset.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2023 17:21

I would bet every woman who escaped from an abusive relationship can think back and remember little "tests" that hinted at the abuse yet to come. Op, I believe this is one of those tests. He's testing you to see just how far he can weild control over you. If you had pushed back hard, he would have dialed it back - for now. He would bide his time, change his tactics, and then start eroding your boundaries again.

You should be running for the fucking hills.

QueefQueen80s · 03/08/2023 17:21

I'm surprised some posters say this isn't a big deal.
He's trying to control what OP does, eats, buys. Ignoring her likes and trying to do things his way.
This is small but gives a huge indicator of how he thinks.

Thisishard23 · 03/08/2023 17:32

Also. Who doesn't love prawn crackers? Is he trying to control calories? You or his? If his, that may be a minor explanation. but whatever stay with him and this will be your life. Questioning your every move. You will start walking on eggshells. It's a test.

coodawoodashooda · 03/08/2023 17:35

Thisishard23 · 03/08/2023 17:32

Also. Who doesn't love prawn crackers? Is he trying to control calories? You or his? If his, that may be a minor explanation. but whatever stay with him and this will be your life. Questioning your every move. You will start walking on eggshells. It's a test.

Yeah. But has op passed or failed the test?

sodthesodoff · 03/08/2023 17:36

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2023 17:21

I would bet every woman who escaped from an abusive relationship can think back and remember little "tests" that hinted at the abuse yet to come. Op, I believe this is one of those tests. He's testing you to see just how far he can weild control over you. If you had pushed back hard, he would have dialed it back - for now. He would bide his time, change his tactics, and then start eroding your boundaries again.

You should be running for the fucking hills.

This. All of this.

Chickenpie35 · 03/08/2023 17:42

Anybody who doesn't make a little stir fry or rice boat with their Chinese good and a prawn cracker are in general a whole red flag.

Imo

Not serious opinion

But how can you not fill a prawn cracker up and fully enjoy it?! 🦐🍛

imagine eating Chinese food and not doing that

Duchessofspace · 03/08/2023 17:47

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2023 15:30

It's a HUGE red flag and you'd have to be very foolish to dismiss it. Sometimes small, seeming inconsequential responses and behaviours tell a massive story. This man is self-absorbed and probably has some very narcissistic traits. Stay with him and he'll display more, I guarantee it.

This. We ignore these at our peril. Did he apologise straight away? Is he cooking and cleaning??

MysteryBelle · 03/08/2023 17:50

Yes, I think it’s a red flag.

Tiqtaq · 03/08/2023 18:06

He's not trying to make you happy OP.
He's not getting over the bar.
Move on.

Sauvblanctime · 03/08/2023 18:11

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2023 17:21

I would bet every woman who escaped from an abusive relationship can think back and remember little "tests" that hinted at the abuse yet to come. Op, I believe this is one of those tests. He's testing you to see just how far he can weild control over you. If you had pushed back hard, he would have dialed it back - for now. He would bide his time, change his tactics, and then start eroding your boundaries again.

You should be running for the fucking hills.

Absolutely this

he’s subtly trying to control you, will she listen when I say I DONT like this?
if I had listened to those initial small red flags I wouldn’t have complex ptsd from a 21 year abusive relationship

run for the fucking hills OP

dont look back

eat those prawn crackers 🤜🏻🤜🏻🤜🏻

Sauvblanctime · 03/08/2023 18:12

Chickenpie35 · 03/08/2023 17:42

Anybody who doesn't make a little stir fry or rice boat with their Chinese good and a prawn cracker are in general a whole red flag.

Imo

Not serious opinion

But how can you not fill a prawn cracker up and fully enjoy it?! 🦐🍛

imagine eating Chinese food and not doing that

The little sizzle sound it makes when you add a bit of satay sauce 🤤

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 03/08/2023 18:20

I really fancy prawn crackers now!

But other than that.
Like PPs I've been in an abusive relationship which started with things like this. If he didn't want/ like a food then we didn't have it. If I didn't want/ like it but he did then that's what we ate. Thankfully I recognised the abuse for what it was when I was only a year in and it didn't get too bad.

Thisishard23 · 03/08/2023 18:22

Also who was playing for said prawn crackers?

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/08/2023 19:00

Paperclipped · 03/08/2023 17:07

She knows what he's thinking in this situation, because he has told her. He instructed her not to buy something because he didn't like it. It suggests a worrying inability to grasp that the OP has a different individual subjectivity.

Show quote history

? Not seeing it. He said “don’t bother buying those, I don’t like them” and she said “well I do” and nothing more was said and prawn crackers were bought. So first, that’s not saying do not buy them, that’s simply saying if those are for me, dont bother buying them as I don’t like them. Secondly, you can’t know he was “taken aback that the shop didn’t revolve around him” based on this…it’s really strange to cast someone in such a negative light on so little.

madeinmanc · 03/08/2023 19:01

I couldn't abide wrangling over shopping like this. I had a boyfriend once who was controlling over food like this. Everything had to be his way. Emphasis on "once", never again.

coodawoodashooda · 03/08/2023 19:02

Tiqtaq · 03/08/2023 18:06

He's not trying to make you happy OP.
He's not getting over the bar.
Move on.

This

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/08/2023 19:05

QueefQueen80s · 03/08/2023 17:21

I'm surprised some posters say this isn't a big deal.
He's trying to control what OP does, eats, buys. Ignoring her likes and trying to do things his way.
This is small but gives a huge indicator of how he thinks.

Or more likely because it’s a newish relationship and they do not live together, he doesn’t know everything that the OP likes and doesn’t like.

All he did was express his dislike for prawn crackers. That is not controlling what another person eats. If what he said is controlling, then the OP putting food she likes on his plate without even asking him what he likes or letting him make his own plate of food is far far more controlling behaviour.

Paperclipped · 03/08/2023 19:08

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/08/2023 19:05

Or more likely because it’s a newish relationship and they do not live together, he doesn’t know everything that the OP likes and doesn’t like.

All he did was express his dislike for prawn crackers. That is not controlling what another person eats. If what he said is controlling, then the OP putting food she likes on his plate without even asking him what he likes or letting him make his own plate of food is far far more controlling behaviour.

Show quote history

Sigh. He gets to dislike prawn crackers. What is concerning is that he sees his dislike of prawn crackers as a reason for the OP not to buy them.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2023 19:12

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/08/2023 19:05

Or more likely because it’s a newish relationship and they do not live together, he doesn’t know everything that the OP likes and doesn’t like.

All he did was express his dislike for prawn crackers. That is not controlling what another person eats. If what he said is controlling, then the OP putting food she likes on his plate without even asking him what he likes or letting him make his own plate of food is far far more controlling behaviour.

Show quote history

You must not have read what the rest of us did, because he most certainly did not just express his dislike for prawn crackers.

As for the op being the controlling one, come the fuck on. She served him dinner and put a few crackers on his plate that she didn't realise he didn't like. If that is controlling behaviour than we're all fucked. Stop being so ridiculous.

poetryandwine · 03/08/2023 19:15

OP,

Anyone would be taken aback by an episode in the realm of what you have described. Some poetic licence on your part would be understandable. If you haven’t exaggerated, I do see this as a red flag and I hope you will be very careful

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/08/2023 19:18

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2023 19:12

You must not have read what the rest of us did, because he most certainly did not just express his dislike for prawn crackers.

As for the op being the controlling one, come the fuck on. She served him dinner and put a few crackers on his plate that she didn't realise he didn't like. If that is controlling behaviour than we're all fucked. Stop being so ridiculous.

Show quote history

Yes, stop being so fucking ridiculous, if he’s being controlling by simply saying don’t bother buying those, I don’t like them then she’s controlling by deciding what food he eats by making his plates of food.

It’s all fucking ridiculous in my opinion. I would not want to live in your world where even the most innocent things herald disaster. Might as well do a Tarot reading on him while you are at it what with all psychic powers being displayed on this thread.