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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this showed a really selfish mindset?

290 replies

PipSqueal · 03/08/2023 14:57

Newish relationship. We don’t live together.

When I cook stir fry, black bean etc I always put a handful of prawn crackers on the plate, I love them and so do the kids.

Anyway a few weeks ago I cooked a stir fry for both of us and added the usual prawn crackers. He said “what’s that? Why did you put them on?” Etc so I said I always do and he can just leave them if he doesn’t like them. He kept going on about it saying it was “weird” and “but why?” Etc etc 🙄

Anyway fast forward to this morning, I’m making Chinese curry and noodles for dinner so in Tesco this morning I put a bag of prawn crackers in the basket. He saw them and said “oh, don’t bother buying those, I don’t like them” so I said “well, I do … “ and left them in my basket. He seemed really taken back that the shop didn’t revolve around him!! I know it’s a small “non event” but what a selfish mindset?? Is this a red flag?

OP posts:
Chickenkeev · 05/08/2023 01:01

Loloj · 04/08/2023 22:41

I've read the rest of OP’s updates now and would get rid of this narcissistic control freak based on the multiple examples of controlling behaviour. However, my “dreadful advice” was based on the first post. I also at no point have suggested that she sits there like a placid lamb while he ‘works through his issues’.

Show quote history

Weĺl, i am only replying to what you said like. It's the nature of SM. It moves fast. No doubt someone will bitchslap me soon enough. SM is unforgiving that way. So post and then put up the barricades!

Phoenixfire1988 · 05/08/2023 01:13

Definitely time to run !!!!

Notmygreen · 05/08/2023 06:06

I did not read the updates just the first post. If it was me I would break up with him, I would not risk to hsve a relationship with an abusive person when I have children still living at home.

If I was single I might try to see if the crackers thing was one off or he is always like this but with children under my care? No way, the risk is not worth it.

Pastapoodles · 05/08/2023 09:25

Next time, send him to the shop for the ingredients and include the prawn crakers on it.

If he doesnt buy them then that speaks volumes about how selfish he is.

There's loads of things I like and DH doesn't but if he shops alone and those things are always on the list he still gets them and even comes back with treats he thinks I will like even though he has no intention of eating them either..

It is a red flag yes

Pastapoodles · 05/08/2023 09:29

Just saw there are updates, scratch the previous post and dump him

Montelukast · 05/08/2023 09:37

An ex that turned out to be financially and emotionally abusive once had an argument with me in Morrisons because I wanted to buy jam (with my own money) to put on pancakes. He argued with every trick in the book, tried every angle every argument for me to not buy the jam. It was totally weird and I wish I had left him that day as it was the first of many things totally unreasonable. I am now very happily married to my wonderful DH 😂 I can have as much jam as I want these days 😂😂

Don’t explain away his actions- it might seem a small thing now but either leave him or watch very carefully for other signs. It’s easy to get sucked in and not see actions as abnormal because they become normal to you.

AnxiousShep · 05/08/2023 10:50

@Montelukast I am so glad you are shot of him but also intrigued. What on earth was his reasoning for you not buying the jam. Am aware it was probably just a control thing but cannot see how he justified it.

pictoosh · 05/08/2023 11:03

The jam thing. I am laughing darkly at this (sorry).
They really will dig their heels in over the most absurd of things.

Pancakes. Mine was of the opinion that pancakes come with lemon, syrup and sugar and there should be no other toppings on offer. When I came home with Nutella, which our daughter loves, I was rudely lectured about how awful the stuff is and what a sheep I was for buying it. I think on that occasion I was a 'moron'. It ended up in a blazing row, with him refusing pancakes, going silent for two days and me wondering what the fuck was going on.
Why did he care so much? Because I defied him. His ego so fragile he took it as an attack. What an arsehole.

pictoosh · 05/08/2023 11:03

A few little food related stories I see.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 05/08/2023 12:54

He's trying to project his preferences onto you, because he is 'right' and everyone else must be wrong.
I'd be progressing very very warily with this man and it's good that your antenna were alerted to this behaviour.

RandomForest · 05/08/2023 14:07

The small stuff, how can you kick up a fuss, it makes you look petty and unreasonable, so you let it slide.

It progresses, arguments over whose choices trump the others, be it wallpapper, furniture, day trips, holidays, cars, houses. The decisions must go their way or they punish you by sulking, silent treatments or full on combat.

That's how control works, they eradicate you, they get rid of you and your wants till you are a clone of them, just existing to serve them and their desires and needs.

This is his show and you are allowed in it if you follow the rules, you have been warned.

It always shows with the small stuff.

THEDEACON · 05/08/2023 15:31

MASSIVE RED FLAG hebhassown youhis true nature Believe him and dump him

frazzledasarock · 05/08/2023 15:51

Those saying this is not a red flag and not controlling. What would you consider a red flag?

this man is so far dictating what OP, should eat, buy with her own money for her children and herself, what she should cook, what she should wear.

curious at what point these PP think the OP should leave.

FictionalCharacter · 05/08/2023 15:58

Cranberriesandtea · 03/08/2023 21:38

Red flag.

OP watch this man like a hawk. My mum was married 3 times, each time her relationship started off with these innocuous interferences with these vile men she attracted.

First it would be changing a meal my brother and I loved her cooking to something that suited him and that's how the meal was prepared from then on.

Then it was changing a routine my brother and I had since infancy involving quiet time with mum at night before bed such as snuggling on the couch reading and chatting, he had to be involved somehow, sat next to her, with us seperated.

Then it was changing our behaviour to suit him, there was to be no evidence we existed in the house. Our plates and cutlery had to be washed and put away as soon as we finished. No items belonging to us were allowed in communal areas. No sitting around in the living room with mum, we were given tv's in our bedroom, reading and gaming was also to be done in there with the door shut. We weren't allowed to sit with them whilst they were watching tv either.

Then the final move was any disagreement or normal teenage defiance was met with instant 'get out of the house I don't care where you go, don't care that you have school tomorrow go sleep on the street for all I care, get out before I physically remove you'

He emotionally and financially abused my mum. She was stuck in an abusive relationship in her own home, my brother and I went NC with her.

Our childhood ended when he entered our lives and it all started with my mum putting an ingredient in a dish we loved that he didn't want.

Reading this has made me feel a bit sick, because it’s just dawned on me that my mother was only “allowed” to make the few meals my father liked, and if he didn’t like an ingredient it had to be left out of the recipe. And that was loads of things, so looking back we had a restricted, bland diet. We never had anything that we would have liked but he didn’t. He’d go into a fit of terrifying screaming rage if anything wasn’t as he liked it. And looking back this might be where my sibling’s incredibly fussy eating stems from.

He was abusive though nothing like as bad as your stepfather. But I never realised before that the food thing was part of the wider pattern. If anyone had looked at that aspect in isolation they would have thought it was minor.

Never ignore early warnings like this!

BrightYellowDaffodil · 05/08/2023 16:09

I have a colleague who does the “fake confusion” thing - it’s a way of trying to make you look stupid in front of others (usually accompanied by a tinkly laugh to their audience), getting you to doubt your own mind and back down on whatever you’ve asked of them.

I also remember my now-ex looking baffled one day when he expressed an opinion on what I was wearing and I didn’t change. It was like he genuinely could not understand why I would do something he didn’t like. Looking back, it was very much the thin end of the wedge.

In isolation, the prawn cracker thing could just be him being set in his ways with ideas about food, or him genuinely not understanding that people like different things and would eat different variations of the same meal (e.g. one curry with mango chutney, one without). But in the context of your other comments, it’s just one more red flag in an entire field of flapping red flags.

SybilFawltless · 05/08/2023 17:12

I too have been here.

Chickenkeev · 05/08/2023 17:14

BrightYellowDaffodil · 05/08/2023 16:09

I have a colleague who does the “fake confusion” thing - it’s a way of trying to make you look stupid in front of others (usually accompanied by a tinkly laugh to their audience), getting you to doubt your own mind and back down on whatever you’ve asked of them.

I also remember my now-ex looking baffled one day when he expressed an opinion on what I was wearing and I didn’t change. It was like he genuinely could not understand why I would do something he didn’t like. Looking back, it was very much the thin end of the wedge.

In isolation, the prawn cracker thing could just be him being set in his ways with ideas about food, or him genuinely not understanding that people like different things and would eat different variations of the same meal (e.g. one curry with mango chutney, one without). But in the context of your other comments, it’s just one more red flag in an entire field of flapping red flags.

It's gaslighting isn't it?

BrightYellowDaffodil · 05/08/2023 17:43

@Chickenkeev Not really, gaslighting is making someone doubt their sanity by trying to make them believe something other than that which they know to be true. Gaslighting is a form of abuse but not all abuse is gaslighting, IYSWIM.

Chickenkeev · 05/08/2023 17:49

BrightYellowDaffodil · 05/08/2023 17:43

@Chickenkeev Not really, gaslighting is making someone doubt their sanity by trying to make them believe something other than that which they know to be true. Gaslighting is a form of abuse but not all abuse is gaslighting, IYSWIM.

But fake confusion is a bit gaslighting though? I suppose it's all degrees. Fuckers anyway.

DrSbaitso · 05/08/2023 17:53

Chickenkeev · 05/08/2023 17:14

It's gaslighting isn't it?

Show quote history

It's obnoxious, but it's not gaslighting.

Chickenkeev · 05/08/2023 17:56

I'm gaslighting myself at this stage it seems! I am on here too much.

Suspific · 05/08/2023 19:58

Chickenkeev · 05/08/2023 17:56

I'm gaslighting myself at this stage it seems! I am on here too much.

I would say it's a form of gaslighting too. Pretending no one in their 'right mind' would be able to understand this (perfectly normal) behaviour. Makes you question if you're perfectly normal.

Merryoldgoat · 05/08/2023 20:22

Suspific · 05/08/2023 19:58

I would say it's a form of gaslighting too. Pretending no one in their 'right mind' would be able to understand this (perfectly normal) behaviour. Makes you question if you're perfectly normal.

Show quote history

That isn’t gaslighting.

Gaslighting is making you doubt your reality - you are made to doubt your recollection of past incidents and conversations.

If tomorrow he and OP go shopping and he picks up the crackers and says ‘I love these with curry or noodles - we should get them more often’ and protests that he never said he didn’t like them that would be gaslighting.

His current behaviour is just that if an arsehole.

Gaslighting is deliberate, manipulative, and designed to make the victim feel unsure about their own understanding of a situation. It’s emotions abuse in and of itself.

This douche is just being a selfish and self centred arsehole.

You can be selfish, a dick but not abusive.

Blondebrunette1 · 05/08/2023 20:50

Is there any chance he was joking? If it's not intended as banter, then yes, very odd and a definite red flag if it's in a controlling way, if he thinks he seriously can dictate what you buy/eat. If it was playful then definitely not a red flag but maybe you need to understand each others way of communicating. My husband takes the Mick out of my pickled onions and stinky cheese board every time I get it out, it's definitely a joke, I loathe the smell of his eggs cooking and definitely tell him, but it's all in gest.

Suspific · 05/08/2023 22:01

Merryoldgoat · 05/08/2023 20:22

That isn’t gaslighting.

Gaslighting is making you doubt your reality - you are made to doubt your recollection of past incidents and conversations.

If tomorrow he and OP go shopping and he picks up the crackers and says ‘I love these with curry or noodles - we should get them more often’ and protests that he never said he didn’t like them that would be gaslighting.

His current behaviour is just that if an arsehole.

Gaslighting is deliberate, manipulative, and designed to make the victim feel unsure about their own understanding of a situation. It’s emotions abuse in and of itself.

This douche is just being a selfish and self centred arsehole.

You can be selfish, a dick but not abusive.

Show quote history

Yes. Making her doubt that it's normal for people to have prawn crackers with food. Making her behaviour out to be bizarre and abnormal.