To think this showed a really selfish mindset?

[PipSqueal]

Newish relationship. We don’t live together.

When I cook stir fry, black bean etc I always put a handful of prawn crackers on the plate, I love them and so do the kids.

Anyway a few weeks ago I cooked a stir fry for both of us and added the usual prawn crackers. He said “what’s that? Why did you put them on?” Etc so I said I always do and he can just leave them if he doesn’t like them. He kept going on about it saying it was “weird” and “but why?” Etc etc 🙄

Anyway fast forward to this morning, I’m making Chinese curry and noodles for dinner so in Tesco this morning I put a bag of prawn crackers in the basket. He saw them and said “oh, don’t bother buying those, I don’t like them” so I said “well, I do … “ and left them in my basket. He seemed really taken back that the shop didn’t revolve around him!! I know it’s a small “non event” but what a selfish mindset?? Is this a red flag?

OP I hope you've dumped him now and that you have a good old smile about your lucky escape whenever you're enjoying your prawn crackers.

Interesting how a lot of these narcissistic weirdos start their controlling behaviour with ridiculous attempts to stop you eating perfectly normal food. My ex once picked a slice of tomato up off the street after it had fallen out of his sandwich and ate it. It wasn't a clean street. Then he got really furious, like proper angry with me when I wanted to order catfish at a restaurant. Because it's a "bottom feeder" and"eats dirt", which apparently made me revolting for even considering eating it. He literally ate tomato off the street, then a couple of days later told me my food choices were revolting, so revolting it put him in a weird rage.

They are so weird. A man like this is definitely not worth spending any time with.

That's still not gaslighting.

It doesn't have to be gaslighting to be arseholish.

If he's got a phobia, fair enough. If not, run.

Feel free to argue with a Women's Aid internet example.

1. Confusion

A gaslighter instils constant and consistent confusion leading the victim to become desperate for clarity. As the person searches for clarity from the abuser, the cycle continues and the abuser’s power increases.

www.grampian-womens-aid.com/newsevents/gaslighting-10-signs/

It was mainly around not needing to spend money on jam, and that I didn’t need jam and I shouldn’t spend my money on jam. Pancakes should only be had with sugar and lemon sort of thing. He later controlled my spending so I couldn’t spend my own money without permission. It’s so weird to type or say out loud ! I promise I’m not normally a doormat :p it’s very insidious and under the radar stuff which makes you think you are unreasonable to think you need (in this case jam ). Later on he made me be ‘in debt ‘ to him and had to pay back every penny. He’s a wealthy man and I hope he chokes on it one day. 😂😂

The jam was for pancakes !! How bizarre. He couldn’t cope with me having anything but sugar and Lemon. He didn’t want me to spend money on jam. He didn’t like jam. I wanted to buy a cheap pot of jam with my own money for the pancakes. He argued and argued. It was in a Morrisons aisle so everyone watching. I suggested I would buy a jar and take home with me ( I was staying at his) not good enough. I suggested a would buy a mini pot ( like you get in a cafe with a cream tea) that wasn’t good enough value for money so wasn’t allowed.
he wanted to control what I could buy and was the biggest miser in the history of misers.
he later wanted me to eat food that had gone off to save money. I refused to eat it and had a bowl of porridge for dinner. He threw up everywhere. I let him get on with it and wouldn’t clean up or comfort him.
it was a few years ago and I’m long shot of him :p my lovely DH made me realise what a god awful situation I’d been putting up with !!

I do. I remember exactly what all my close friends like and don't like.

That isn’t what’s happening here. He isn’t making her confused about what happened or didn’t happen, or what he did or didn’t say. She knows that what she’s doing and eating is normal. She’s simply wondering why he’s being weird, she isn’t doubting her sanity.
It would be gaslighting if he had done all that nonsense about the prawn crackers and then said later “What are you talking about? I never said I don’t like prawn crackers with my noodles. I love them. In fact I had them that time you’re talking about, I never said it’s weird’. And “How could you say I told you not to get prawn crackers because I don’t like them. Of course I didn’t”. “I never said your coat looks like an old person’s coat, what a horrible thing to say, why would I say that”.
All of that is him trying to make her think she’s remembering everything wrongly, the intention being to unsettle and control her.
This man is just controlling and a total arse.
The term gaslighting is overused now. It’s often used when someone is just lying and pretending.

I wouldn't say asking why something is on his plate that he doesn't think goes with the rest of the dish is a red flag. We all question things we think are strange, this just happens to be one of those strange things for him. My friend eats cabbage, beans sprouts mixed together, I even told my mum about it cause that's weird to me lol

He probably wasn't thinking when he said not to bother buying them thinking about his own plate and I think when he said it it's been playing on your mind since he said it.

Unless he's putting you down or always criticising everything then it would let this go.

Is this the only thing that's been an issue?

I've just read your macaroni comment and I've got to say he sounds like a child and an AH.

Yes. But he is forcing her to rethink her normal choice.

Which is controlling but not gas lighting

Yeah. But at the start of the GWA description of gaslighting it says the woman will want clarity. Is that not the exact reason for the post?

@PipSqueal Just remembered this thread. Are you still with him?