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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this showed a really selfish mindset?

290 replies

PipSqueal · 03/08/2023 14:57

Newish relationship. We don’t live together.

When I cook stir fry, black bean etc I always put a handful of prawn crackers on the plate, I love them and so do the kids.

Anyway a few weeks ago I cooked a stir fry for both of us and added the usual prawn crackers. He said “what’s that? Why did you put them on?” Etc so I said I always do and he can just leave them if he doesn’t like them. He kept going on about it saying it was “weird” and “but why?” Etc etc 🙄

Anyway fast forward to this morning, I’m making Chinese curry and noodles for dinner so in Tesco this morning I put a bag of prawn crackers in the basket. He saw them and said “oh, don’t bother buying those, I don’t like them” so I said “well, I do … “ and left them in my basket. He seemed really taken back that the shop didn’t revolve around him!! I know it’s a small “non event” but what a selfish mindset?? Is this a red flag?

OP posts:
VinEtFromage · 03/08/2023 15:42

MoonLion · 03/08/2023 15:33

Will you be cooking for the kids tonight, or just you and him? To me this makes a big difference. It's selfish to deprive several people of something they enjoy, especially something like this that's easy to have or not have, but if I'm just cooking for two, then I probably wouldn't include something I know he doesn't like.

@MoonLion

SHE is buying them to put in HER plate, what does that have to do with him?

She's not asking him to eat them, it's not 'either or' with another item...

blackbeardsballsack · 03/08/2023 15:43

I think his comment is very illuminating and it would put me right off him.

CobraKaiNeverLoses · 03/08/2023 15:46

cymbidium · 03/08/2023 15:24

Is it not something his mummy used to do.

🤣

saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/08/2023 15:46

Did you ask him about it his weird response? I would have.

“Why would I not buy them just because you don’t like them?” Or probably less confrontational “That was an odd thing to suggest/say, why would you say that?”

manontroppo · 03/08/2023 15:47

Agree with the others that it is a massive red flag. You can do better, OP!!
Also he will in all probability be a complete dick to your kids.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 03/08/2023 15:49

Can’t understand why adding prawn crackers to a Chinese dish has made his narrow mind explode but it doesn’t bode well for his ability to understand that his views aren’t automatically the right ones and yours can’t simply be overridden by him if he criticises / embarrasses you enough. So, watch for that.

The fact that he kept banging on and on about how ‘weird ‘ it was is not just OTT from him but it’s plain bad manners when someone he’s not been with for long is cooking for him. Why try to make you feel like you’re a bit weird?

notacooldad · 03/08/2023 15:51

My DP doesn't like stuffing, I live it he would never tell me not to make it but just wouldn't put it on his plate

Equally I will still put marmite in the trolley if he's run out even though I find the stuff revolting
That's exactly how it should be.
Dh hates Greek yogurt but will pick up 3 large tubs when he does the shopping as he knows I use it a lot.
He saw them and said “oh, don’t bother buying those, I don’t like them”
The answer should have been ' I dont care' send left it at that.
What a clown!

SlowlyLosing · 03/08/2023 15:51

Is there any more context to this eg you're deep in debt and every penny matters? One of you is supposed to be trying to lose weight or eat healthier? Kids eat too much junk?

If not its odd he'd say something like that. If you have a good relationship I'd be inclined to ask what he was thinking when he said it.

Monkeylimas · 03/08/2023 15:52

Who paid for the meal? We’re you just shopping for this evening and did he offer to contribute?
How often does he cook for you? Does he buy food for you both to share? Does he clean up after the dinner you have cooked?

So many questions!

Monkeylimas · 03/08/2023 15:52

Were

cruisebaba1 · 03/08/2023 15:53

PipSqueal · 03/08/2023 14:57

Newish relationship. We don’t live together.

When I cook stir fry, black bean etc I always put a handful of prawn crackers on the plate, I love them and so do the kids.

Anyway a few weeks ago I cooked a stir fry for both of us and added the usual prawn crackers. He said “what’s that? Why did you put them on?” Etc so I said I always do and he can just leave them if he doesn’t like them. He kept going on about it saying it was “weird” and “but why?” Etc etc 🙄

Anyway fast forward to this morning, I’m making Chinese curry and noodles for dinner so in Tesco this morning I put a bag of prawn crackers in the basket. He saw them and said “oh, don’t bother buying those, I don’t like them” so I said “well, I do … “ and left them in my basket. He seemed really taken back that the shop didn’t revolve around him!! I know it’s a small “non event” but what a selfish mindset?? Is this a red flag?

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

GasPanic · 03/08/2023 15:55

Next time he does it ask him whether or not you should only buy things that he likes on the weekly shop.

The response should be illuminating.

It sounds to me like he might have zero empathy. So obviously a red flag. You can surely tell whether this is the case from other interactions you have with him.

yellowsmileyface · 03/08/2023 15:57

Limth · 03/08/2023 15:22

To be honest, OP, it doesn't really matter whether people on MN think its a red flag or not.

The point is that the whole incident gave you pause for thought and made you go "Hang on a second..."

That's what matters. Listen to your gut. You clearly think its a red flag, or perhaps its given you a bit of 'ick'. It's certainly made you think he's a selfish person. So, what next?

This!!

In general it's not a good sign in itself when a newish relationship has you posting on mumsnet for opinions.

coodawoodashooda · 03/08/2023 15:57

cruisebaba1 · 03/08/2023 15:53

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Show quote history

I'm actually really creeped out by this.

CantFindTheBeat · 03/08/2023 15:58

As @Limth says - only you know him.

Did he think you were doing crackers especially for him?

Is he great and generous in general?

Tell us!

violetcuriosity · 03/08/2023 15:59

Yeah, I agree, the fact it's made you stop and think means it is a red flag. I would have called him out in the shop I think and asked why it matters that he's not a fan.

Maybe he's got a phobia of them?! 🤣

VinEtFromage · 03/08/2023 16:00

@PipSqueal

start with the previous time, when you put them on his plate. I wouldn't have done that, I'd have just put them in a bowl on the table. I would find it a little bit odd for someone to put them on my plate, BUT not that unusual if they ordinarily dish up the entire meal.

I'd have just said, I don't like them, do you want them?

it's weird he carried on & on about it.

As for the supermarket, YOU were buying food for you, the kids & him... WTAF does he think it matters whether he likes them or not?

Sorry, but he's coming across badly here. Bad manners, selfish & just a dick.

Do he do any cooking/shopping??

Couldyounot · 03/08/2023 16:03

Doesn't sound great, OP

Jamtartforme · 03/08/2023 16:04

Monkeylimas · 03/08/2023 15:52

Who paid for the meal? We’re you just shopping for this evening and did he offer to contribute?
How often does he cook for you? Does he buy food for you both to share? Does he clean up after the dinner you have cooked?

So many questions!

I wondered all this, he seemed to see it as HIS shop paid for and cooked by YOU. Watch for other signs, one or two more and bin him

noworklifebalance · 03/08/2023 16:05

RUN
If he is affronted that you chose to buy the prawn crackers that YOU like with YOUR money, imagine if there is difference of opinion on actual big decisions that need to be made as a couple.
Worse still, if he starts having conflicting options to you about how your children are raised.

Caprisunny · 03/08/2023 16:08

I am confused.

Were you shopping together? Paying for the food together or was this your weekly shop? Or were you just shopping for this meal and he was paying?

You don’t live together so I don’t get why he is commenting on what you buy, if it was your weekly shop for your own home?

I genuinely can’t get my head round anyone commenting that their girlfriend shouldn’t buy an item they don’t like, even though their girlfriend and her kids do….if it’s her shopping and she is paying.

I feel I must have misunderstood the situation

JMSA · 03/08/2023 16:11

He can bloody cook then!

LakeTiticaca · 03/08/2023 16:11

Sorry but this behaviour would give me the ick massively. Why should you go without something because he doesn't like it?
How soon before he doesn't like what you are wearing, your hairstyle, your job, your friends, your family?
Beware.......

Onelifeonly · 03/08/2023 16:12

It's unnecessarily judgemental, for sure. Or shows an inability to see things from others' points of view. But taken by itself, it's fairly minor. I expect we are all selfish at times. Just watch out for similar behaviours.

It's only in recent years that I have realised a long ago ex of mine did this kind of thing. I didn't like it then but didn't see it for what it was. He also had a moral standpoint at times (or lack of, I should say) that irked me.

WhichEllie · 03/08/2023 16:13

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2023 15:30

It's a HUGE red flag and you'd have to be very foolish to dismiss it. Sometimes small, seeming inconsequential responses and behaviours tell a massive story. This man is self-absorbed and probably has some very narcissistic traits. Stay with him and he'll display more, I guarantee it.

Yep, couldn’t have put it better. Aquamarine has nailed it.

I consider it a huge red flag as well and he wouldn’t see me for dust.