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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday gatecrasher

211 replies

TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 16:17

Have come on a long awaited, short holiday to visit a family member in mainland Europe. First holiday away since 2019 due to covid and financial reasons. I had been invited previously but couldn’t afford it. As it is I only managed to save enough for the flight for myself and one child and can only stay for four nights due to cost of food etc.

On my way to the airport I get a call asking if I can pick up my mum on the way as she’s invited herself along.

She has been to this place several times before me and had lots of time to visit other than when I am here.

The vibe is totally different. She has form for not considering my feelings and has not crashed any of my other siblings holidays to the same destination. This is my only holiday this year yet she will have several more (retired with access to plenty of money).

She is not a person I would have any interest in spending time with and now I’m stuck with her. She has never considered my feelings and has put me in difficult situations because she expects me just to do what I’m told. I have nothing to talk to her about. And it’s all a power trip for her - she has to show me that I have no control what she does and if it causes disruption to me all the better.

AIBU for really struggling with this - I feel like my holiday has been ruined and I can’t wait to go home. And I feel like I’m regressing to the uncared for child I was growing up.

OP posts:
greenteaandmarshmallows · 02/08/2023 16:19

How has she managed that?! Did you let her know your flight and hotel details?

Onehappymam · 02/08/2023 16:20

What a nightmare! And very unfair of your mother. You have my sympathy.

Is there any way you can carve out time for yourself while you’re there?

UncertainSmiler · 02/08/2023 16:20

As with so many other threads on here, you have to learn to say ‘no’. If you hadn’t have picked her up, she wouldn’t have been able to ruin your holiday.

Onehappymam · 02/08/2023 16:20

@greenteaandmarshmallows the OP said in her post she is staying with family. I assume she knew about the trip and invited herself along.

Lamelie · 02/08/2023 16:22

Wild guess but I think ops mother also knows the family member she’s visiting. But just jump in there sniping eh?
@TakingTheLowRoad Flowers
Pick your battles, bite your tongue and make the best of it I guess 😥

Original poster
TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 16:23

Sorry - I missed that bit. I didn’t collect her so she got someone else to drive her to the airport.

We’re in someone’s house, not a hotel. She asked the family member for the flight details and then lied to me, saying the family member “surprised” her with the flights.

OP posts:
Thebigblueballoon · 02/08/2023 16:23

It certainly sounds like she’s done this on purpose, especially as it’s a ‘last-minute’ pick up. Aim to spend as much time apart from her as you can, and don’t rise to any bait if she starts to moan about it. Easier said than done I know. Good luck.

Original poster
TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 16:24

She’s doing my fucking head in.

OP posts:
Original poster
TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 16:25

It’s so shitty all round. I’ve had a terrible year and I just wanted to relax without her judgemental fucking face in my face

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 02/08/2023 16:58

I think I might make my annoyance known to the family member. Why did they give out your flight details? There is not a lot you can do - other than leave early and leave her there - but appreciate its a holiday for you and your DC.

Witchbitch20 · 02/08/2023 17:04

Can you go out somewhere without her?

You shouldn’t have to avoid her but given the situation if you can escape and salvage some of your days, you should.

When you leave I would also mention to the family member that you won’t visit again after they felt it was ok to give all your details to your mother.

jeaux90 · 02/08/2023 17:07

I would make plans to go out and do stuff with your child on your own.

If she asks to come say no this about spending time with your child as life has been very busy.

No, we are doing x. No we have already made plans etc etc

saltinesandcoffeecups · 02/08/2023 17:07

Oh that sucks …. No advice but just a note to say I’d be furious with this and be exploring my options to pack it in and head home.

Onelifeonly · 02/08/2023 17:09

Witchbitch20 · 02/08/2023 17:04

Can you go out somewhere without her?

You shouldn’t have to avoid her but given the situation if you can escape and salvage some of your days, you should.

When you leave I would also mention to the family member that you won’t visit again after they felt it was ok to give all your details to your mother.

This

WeightInLine · 02/08/2023 17:11

OP, we need a lot more information. Who is the family member and why did they do this?

Marwoodsbigbreak · 02/08/2023 17:11

That’s shit.

All I can suggest is that you get up early and go out without her. Don’t tell her your plans, or tell her you are doing something she would hate. She likes shopping? You’re going horse riding.

penguinsaurus · 02/08/2023 17:13

TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 16:25

It’s so shitty all round. I’ve had a terrible year and I just wanted to relax without her judgemental fucking face in my face

How does she feel about you?

RumandSpinach · 02/08/2023 17:14

Sorry this is shit.

Is there a cheap camping place/alternative accommodation nearby? Appreciate this is more money though

If going elsewhere isn't an option I'd make it clear you're annoyed and just go out every day. Don't share where you're going, you don't owe her that.

EhrlicheFrau · 02/08/2023 17:14

I'm sorry. I can't really offer any advice for this time, but in future you need to learn to say 'no'. I know it's not always easy, but it might be the only way to stop her continuing what sounds like really unkind behaviour!

greenteaandmarshmallows · 02/08/2023 17:15

Sorry- long day.

I'm so sorry OP this is awful. I don't know what else to say really other than who does that?! What a cow she is

Original poster
TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 17:16

I don’t know how she feels about me and I don’t particularly care.

OP posts:
DMLady · 02/08/2023 17:17

EhrlicheFrau · 02/08/2023 17:14

I'm sorry. I can't really offer any advice for this time, but in future you need to learn to say 'no'. I know it's not always easy, but it might be the only way to stop her continuing what sounds like really unkind behaviour!

OP hasn’t agreed to anything though, so you can hardly blame her…

I’m so sorry, OP. Have no useful advice (sorry) other than, as other posters have said, to do everything you can to limit your time to your mum while you’re there. Can the family member who invited her take her out on a few day trips, for example?

Original poster
TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 17:18

I don’t see how I could have said no to another adult booking a flight and coming to the same destination as me. I’m actively avoiding her and she’s probably realised that I am. I didn’t come on holiday to listen to her moan about her life and her marriage issues and minimise my own, personal problems by trying to gaslighting me into thinking they don’t exist. I just wanted to forget about home for a few days and she’s brought it with her.

OP posts:
Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 02/08/2023 17:19

Does the family member that you are staying with understand your situation with your mum?

I would be really angry.

Dombasle · 02/08/2023 17:20

In private you say to the family member who is hosting you that unfortunately your mother and you have fallen out and you wish to avoid her as much as possible during your stay.

Don't slag your mum off just state the fact that the relationship between your mother and yourself has irretrievably broken down.

Be polite in her presence, don't rise to her bait and do not go out with her in any trips, get up very early with the children and be on your way to the beach, countryside or wherever it is you and the children like to go.

If she asks to join you, it's a flat no and if she pushes it, state firmly you are not going to argue with her and it's still a flat no to her accompanying her.

If you want to gracious and let your children spend an afternoon with her whilst you are not far but relaxing on your own, that would be an agreeable gesture without having to involve yourself.

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