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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday gatecrasher

211 replies

TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 16:17

Have come on a long awaited, short holiday to visit a family member in mainland Europe. First holiday away since 2019 due to covid and financial reasons. I had been invited previously but couldn’t afford it. As it is I only managed to save enough for the flight for myself and one child and can only stay for four nights due to cost of food etc.

On my way to the airport I get a call asking if I can pick up my mum on the way as she’s invited herself along.

She has been to this place several times before me and had lots of time to visit other than when I am here.

The vibe is totally different. She has form for not considering my feelings and has not crashed any of my other siblings holidays to the same destination. This is my only holiday this year yet she will have several more (retired with access to plenty of money).

She is not a person I would have any interest in spending time with and now I’m stuck with her. She has never considered my feelings and has put me in difficult situations because she expects me just to do what I’m told. I have nothing to talk to her about. And it’s all a power trip for her - she has to show me that I have no control what she does and if it causes disruption to me all the better.

AIBU for really struggling with this - I feel like my holiday has been ruined and I can’t wait to go home. And I feel like I’m regressing to the uncared for child I was growing up.

OP posts:
telestrations · 02/08/2023 19:36

You have my sympathies. Sadly you have to endure this but never do again. Do not go to said siblings again and if they ask why tell them.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 02/08/2023 19:39

Dombasle · 02/08/2023 18:30

Hold on to the sweet satisfying thought that when you part ways after the holiday you can lean in with a massive smile on your face and say,

"I'm so glad you invited yourself along to this holiday Pamela, (call her by her first name, don't use the word mother), it has given me the push that I finally needed to cut you out of my life. No more will I have to put up with your lies and nasty ways." Then carry on smirking as you walk away.

And stick to your word. Block her on everything.

And let the parting of the ways be at the airport (if she's coming home on the same flight). Don't give her a lift home. F*ck her. Leave her stranded & scrabbling for a lift.

I came from a viciously unpleasant, creepy family with whom I went NC when I realised that they would never change & never stop seeing me as the scapegoat & as a resource to be made use of. You have my sympathy, OP.

porridgeisbae · 02/08/2023 19:40

My mum did that lol, she just wanted to. She'd been on a trip with my sister earlier in the year. It was a very special trip for me, so I was anxious/annoyed about her going, but she actually made it better as she planned outings for some days, when I might've mostly bar hopped. She wasn't expecting to enjoy the bits I wanted to see (she didn't know how lovely Old Aberdeen was) but she realised it was gorgeous once we were there.

But we get on ok.

momtoboys · 02/08/2023 19:40

I have been sitting here thinking about how terrible it would be if I were in the same situation with my much older sister. We have a similar relationship as between you and your mum.

I would be a combination of livid and heartbroken over my spoiled plans. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

ColonelRhubarbBikini · 02/08/2023 19:41

Oh OP I’m so sorry. I get along famously with my mother but if she pulled a stunt like this I’d be furious.

Is it absolutely too late or funds not up to hiring a car? Maybe post under a different name about things to do in the area you’re in and some clever local MNetter can give you some good advice about public transport or hidden gems to escape to and try and salvage some of your holiday.

As PP have said this may well be the line in the sand for you and it might well bring you to a better happier place being LC or NC so while it’s awful now it might end up being a catalyst for positive change.

Gillbil · 02/08/2023 19:48

It sounds like you might have a narcissistic parent. I'm sorry and hope you can cut ties with her soon.
Normally I wouldn't suggest gaslighting back but....maybe start gaslighting back. Sorry not super helpful but it might be ur only defense

Cakeandcardio · 02/08/2023 20:05

greenteaandmarshmallows · 02/08/2023 16:19

How has she managed that?! Did you let her know your flight and hotel details?

Why bother being nasty to someone who's struggling?

LookItsMeAgain · 02/08/2023 20:13

I'd use the time in the house to find a short term alternative location for you to stay in. I'd book it and then ask the relative you travelled to visit to drive you & your son to this location so that you can enjoy your break.
Leave your mother with the relative.
If your mother asks what you're up to, tell her that you've been looking forward to this trip as just you & your son as you know that she's been visiting many time but this was to be a solo trip without her. She has altered what your trip is and not for the better. You're salvaging whatever is left so that you & your son can say that you've had a break away but not thanks to her. I'd also mention to the relative that your travel plans are yours alone and not for anyone else to piggyback on to.

Twilight7777 · 02/08/2023 20:31

Is it possible that your relative that you are visiting thought maybe they were reuniting you and your mum? Like they thought they were doing something good?

CherryMaDeara · 02/08/2023 20:37

EhrlicheFrau · 02/08/2023 18:11

I will admit to reading the first post and then commenting, something quite a few folk do I'd say - there is nothing about her not actually picking her mum up in the first post. Anyway......😬

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You didn’t read the second post but rushed to post and read responses to your own posts 🙄

TogetherInEclecticDreams · 02/08/2023 20:40

What a cow to do that to you and your child.

greenteaandmarshmallows · 02/08/2023 20:45

Cakeandcardio · 02/08/2023 20:05

Why bother being nasty to someone who's struggling?

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I wasn't being nasty! I was genuinely flabbergasted that someone would be able to do that and wondered if she'd given her mum the details. I often give my parents the details but I wouldn't expect them to turn up!

IcedBananas · 02/08/2023 20:47

Your DM sounds batshit. No one books themself onto the same flight as someone without telling them.

I wonder if your sibling knew your DM was coming and helped organise it willingly? Did he/she really not know what DM would do with the flight details? 🤔This kind of BS happens in my family too. I know that your sibling won’t understand why you don’t want your DM there but you really need to be very firm that, regardless of what your sibling may think, the fact is that you will not visit them or any other location action if sibling is going to invite your DM. Be firm and repeat. ‘I don’t care. I won’t come back so it’s your choice.’

Are your siblings often acting as Flying Monkeys? If so you will probably need to go low contact with them too

laveritable · 02/08/2023 20:53

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Throckmorton · 02/08/2023 21:00

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That's a rather unecessarily unempathetic take on the situation

EhrlicheFrau · 02/08/2023 21:01

CherryMaDeara · 02/08/2023 20:37

You didn’t read the second post but rushed to post and read responses to your own posts 🙄

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🥱🥱🥱🥱🥱

WhatWouldHopperDo · 02/08/2023 21:02

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Because all relationships are so black and white. It’s clear the OP has a shitty and complex relationship with her Mother.

Way to kick someone when they’re down and make them feel worse. We’ll done.

Thiscantreallybehappening · 02/08/2023 21:03

@laveritable You honestly have no idea about this family situation and what the OP has to deal with. It is an incredibly difficult, upsetting and frustrating situation. You are being very unkind.

Original poster
TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 21:07

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I can’t control what other people tell her! Or the decisions she makes. I just wanted a break from reality for a little while and it is impossible with someone who hogs the conversation and makes everything about herself.

OP posts:
DMLady · 02/08/2023 21:09

EhrlicheFrau · 02/08/2023 17:56

I meant saying 'no' to picking her up, making it clear that she was never part of the plan!

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I think (might have got this wrong) that the OP DID say no to picking her up. But do understand your point.

Thiscantreallybehappening · 02/08/2023 21:13

@TakingTheLowRoad I'm so sorry you are going through this. I completely understand how you are feeling. Take care.

MyMiniMetro · 02/08/2023 21:27

Go home. It's okay to just go home without your mom. It's not much of a holiday if it's making you miserable. There's a psychological concept called 'sunk cost' fallacy when humans often don't want to back out of something they've invested in (not just financial investment but time, effort or emotion) and carry on with it even if it makes more sense to cut their losses. Now is one of those times for you. Yep it might cost more to get home early and you may have to apologise to your host, but your mental health deserves this. Don't plan on solo visits to family as a holiday option again. If you mom is as weird as she seems, future holidays may need to be organised under a veil of complete secrecy to maintain your sanity.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/08/2023 21:39

@TakingTheLowRoad

Can you plead a 'sudden emergency' and change your flight and go home? I know you said 'remote' but I assume your family would take you to the airport if you 'suddenly needed to go'.

I'd rather lose some money or have to pay extra to change flights rather than sit in a house with someone whose greatest joy is to abuse me.

JANEY205 · 02/08/2023 21:42

I think this was really unfair of your sibling to do this to you too (hoping I read it correctly and it’s your sibling who you are staying with).

OP, I live in a boiling hot country and there is still the cinema, bowling, lunch out, indoor play places etc if you and your son need to get out for the day! It’s definitely not the trip you had imagined tho.

Your mother sounds insufferable. You haven’t done anything wrong.

JANEY205 · 02/08/2023 21:44

Also I understand you probably don’t want to ‘put’ yourself, but if you give us a loose idea of where you are eg US, Middle East, Central Europe etc we may be able to come up with some ideas if you don’t want to fly home! Sounds like the flights were expensive which adds to the frustration. Your sibling is shitty too for not telling you, letting your Mother barge in and giving away your room!! I would never visit them again.