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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday gatecrasher

211 replies

TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 16:17

Have come on a long awaited, short holiday to visit a family member in mainland Europe. First holiday away since 2019 due to covid and financial reasons. I had been invited previously but couldn’t afford it. As it is I only managed to save enough for the flight for myself and one child and can only stay for four nights due to cost of food etc.

On my way to the airport I get a call asking if I can pick up my mum on the way as she’s invited herself along.

She has been to this place several times before me and had lots of time to visit other than when I am here.

The vibe is totally different. She has form for not considering my feelings and has not crashed any of my other siblings holidays to the same destination. This is my only holiday this year yet she will have several more (retired with access to plenty of money).

She is not a person I would have any interest in spending time with and now I’m stuck with her. She has never considered my feelings and has put me in difficult situations because she expects me just to do what I’m told. I have nothing to talk to her about. And it’s all a power trip for her - she has to show me that I have no control what she does and if it causes disruption to me all the better.

AIBU for really struggling with this - I feel like my holiday has been ruined and I can’t wait to go home. And I feel like I’m regressing to the uncared for child I was growing up.

OP posts:
Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 02/08/2023 21:45

Are you sure the family member did actually tell her or has she been in your home going through your things op?

Atethehalloweenchocs · 02/08/2023 21:52

OP, my sympathy. I have written previously about my cousin who is a raging narcissist. As the closest in age (both with big age gaps to siblings) we were often lumped together during family events, and as adults this transformed into her tagging on to whatever I arranged, then taking over. It is so hard when other family members dont seem to get what is really going on even if you have told them how you feel. I once left an American family members house after a day and took a road trip because they announced when I got there that she had invited herself too and would be arriving the next day. Since then everyone seems to get that I am serious, and no one has told me I am unreasonable, although if they did I would explain that I dont care, that her behaviour is not directed at them, and I dont choose to be around her. And that I dont want to make things hard for them, but simply will not tolerate her being in my space. So, I guess in future if there is a possibility she may repeat this (and she will, it is a power trip for her) have an exit plan. And be clear in advance that you will not share space with her. Again, it is miserable. I am glad your other sibling gets it.

WannaBeRecluse · 02/08/2023 22:34

Sort of been there (except that my mother thought better of it, so it became a non-issue). My mother, who likes to insert herself everywhere, decided exactly the same thing in the same circumstances. Fortunately she'd changed her mind on her own but I had already decided that, if she came, I was detaching myself from the family member I was visiting and her, and my family was going to accommodate themselves elsewhere and do our own thing without them. This was a once in a lifetime trip for us and we didn't plan to spend it doing the things my mother wanted us to do (which would have been spending most of it visting family). The host, who had promised us accommodation, had already said if she comes we could work out accommodation among ourselves (she could only have one of us staying with her). Sometimes you've got to stand firm.

Original poster
TakingTheLowRoad · 03/08/2023 00:36

Thanks for all your messages and support. Sometimes I feel like I’m going mad.

We’ve planned things to do out of the house for the next couple of days that my mum wouldn’t be able for - water parks etc. Now we’re here I’d rather throw money at having fun than leave, even if it throws my plans for complete relaxation out the window 🤣. I won’t be saying anything to my sibling because I don’t think she realises how toxic my mum is towards me but I will be telling my mum exactly how it is as soon as we land. And I won’t be dropping her home.

Funnily enough she was telling my sibling how excited she was to come stay with me in the next couple of weeks…she hasn’t been invited. And she won’t be welcome in my house.

I will never understand the thought process and justification she has told herself with for coming on my holiday without asking me if it was ok. And making me the bad guy if I say anything. She’s already going around with a face on her because I’m not engaging her and making her feel ok about her being her.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 03/08/2023 00:51

TakingTheLowRoad · 03/08/2023 00:36

Thanks for all your messages and support. Sometimes I feel like I’m going mad.

We’ve planned things to do out of the house for the next couple of days that my mum wouldn’t be able for - water parks etc. Now we’re here I’d rather throw money at having fun than leave, even if it throws my plans for complete relaxation out the window 🤣. I won’t be saying anything to my sibling because I don’t think she realises how toxic my mum is towards me but I will be telling my mum exactly how it is as soon as we land. And I won’t be dropping her home.

Funnily enough she was telling my sibling how excited she was to come stay with me in the next couple of weeks…she hasn’t been invited. And she won’t be welcome in my house.

I will never understand the thought process and justification she has told herself with for coming on my holiday without asking me if it was ok. And making me the bad guy if I say anything. She’s already going around with a face on her because I’m not engaging her and making her feel ok about her being her.

Oh I can tell you what her thought process was. It was "I want to go too, and @TakingTheLowRoad can give me a lift". She wasn't thinking about you at all. People like her never do.

JudgeRudy · 03/08/2023 00:54

Hmmm, it is a difficult one but the moment I was asked to pick up my Mum I'd have said no. Now depending on the host that could have either meant not going or her rearranging with your mum. It's awkward but you really should have explained this.

FictionalCharacter · 03/08/2023 01:29

JudgeRudy · 03/08/2023 00:54

Hmmm, it is a difficult one but the moment I was asked to pick up my Mum I'd have said no. Now depending on the host that could have either meant not going or her rearranging with your mum. It's awkward but you really should have explained this.

The OP didn't pick her up.

neonjumper · 03/08/2023 11:38

There are 3 main things that maintain dysfunction in a family .

  1. Don't talk - that means you don't talk to siblings about what is going on ... this keeps you in a place of loneliness and isolation and in your mothers case , she came to make sure this rule carried on ... that any opportunity to talk to your sibling is scuppered . You yourself have learnt to maintain this ... you said in your earlier post that you wouldn't bring this to your sibling's attention... you are also maintaining this dysfunction .
  1. Don't talk ... big feelings are not allowed they have to be kept in your internal world ... this works for your mum because she gets to keep you in the position of the underdog , any attempt to show big feelings no doubt on your mums part results in big displays of emotion of how you're hurting her ... so you don't say anything ... this means you also function like this in other relationships ie partners / children
  1. Don't trust ...you have felt that you can't trust your family to keep you safe and therefore as an adult you don't talk to them what's happening as you you don't trust their ability to care and protect you ... this has transferred to your adult relationships.

You should tell your sibling what has happened... keeping things hidden ( your mothers actions / abuse of you ) allows the dysfunction to continue and keeps you in a position of lack of safety.

I bet your stress/ cortisol levels are sky high at the moment ... you are on high alert because being near your mother is dangerous.

neonjumper · 03/08/2023 11:39
  1. Should be don't feel
ifIwerenotanandroid · 03/08/2023 13:47

Oh I can tell you what her thought process was. It was "I want to go too, and @TakingTheLowRoadcan give me a lift". She wasn't thinking about you at all. People like her never do.

True. Perhaps it's also a power play, to ensure that @TakingTheLowRoad isn't alone with her sibling & therefore they can't discuss dear old mumsie & form an alliance against her.

One of the confusing things about being in a dysfunctional family (it confused me, anyway) is that they want you there & act as though you should/must be there - yet they treat you appallingly. If I don't like someone, I don't want to be around them, so I'm not around them: it's that simple. But these dysfunctional/ abusive people need us for all sorts of reasons, none of them good.

Whatever. OP, I hope your holiday is going better now you're getting away from the old bat.

LookItsMeAgain · 03/08/2023 14:22

@TakingTheLowRoad - in relation to what your mother has said to your sibling about visiting you and staying with you when you're home again, can I recommend (if you don't already have one) getting a camera doorbell installed as the number 1 priority. At least then if you get alerted to her ringing your doorbell, you can tell her "I'm not in. You're not to drop by like this. I will not be able to have you stay with me" all through the doorbell so giving you a bit of distance, even if you're upstairs in your house.

Each time she does it, repeat the message "You are not to drop by like this. You cannot stay here. I need you to leave."

ChilledBeez · 03/08/2023 16:48

Why don't people read the posts properly before commenting with the wrong info?

agonyau · 03/08/2023 18:10

So sorry you’ve had your holiday ruined, time away is precious. I don’t really have any advice, I’m afraid . I am intrigued though about your relationship with your mother, as you say you have other siblings she wouldn’t have burdened in this way, could it be because she sees you as easier to manipulate than them? Are you more obliging/sensitive to her requests than them, perhaps? It’s a shame when mothers (who are usually revered by others) can be so toxic. I bet the relative you visited had no idea how you felt about your mum, or if they knew there was friction between you naively thought some quality time together would be nice for you both, ironically. Hope you have a nice time with your child despite this intrusion on your holiday.

Anyport · 03/08/2023 18:26

If you don't care how she feels then that was the time to say no. I'm not picking you up.

HedgehogB · 03/08/2023 18:29

penguinsaurus · 02/08/2023 17:13

How does she feel about you?

Show quote history

You’ve clearly never had a narcissistic relative. lucky you

FictionalCharacter · 03/08/2023 18:31

Anyport · 03/08/2023 18:26

If you don't care how she feels then that was the time to say no. I'm not picking you up.

She didn’t pick her up! The mother had to get someone else to pick her up.

toxic44 · 03/08/2023 18:45

Every sympathy for you having a controlling, manipulative mother. I learned after many years to get up off my knees and to say No. Just No. It's the only way to freedom. Practise saying it to her photograph. Don't smile, don't apologize, just say No. Good luck.

THEDEACON · 03/08/2023 18:49

I hear you! Avoid her asmuch as you can Go out with your child andmake the most of your holiday!

Badhairdayagain · 03/08/2023 18:55

I totally understand. My mother and I haven’t spoken in 2 years because she got ripped into me for joking with my dad and she decided it was inappropriate. This was in my sons home so I couldn’t retaliate without causing a further scene. I actually feel better for having no contact. She pretends that she cares but her life is all about her image and how I reflect her image. Make the break. Sending you hugs

Original poster
TakingTheLowRoad · 03/08/2023 19:02

She’s now going around sulking saying she doesn’t feel well and looking at me with tears in her eyes, all in front of my sibling. I just keep walking off and not engaging. It’s driving her MAD but she won’t saying anything because she knows I’ll call her out on her behaviour. She is an absolute child, not eating or drinking and then having a big dramatic scene.

OP posts:
Original poster
TakingTheLowRoad · 03/08/2023 19:04

I’m really looking forward to getting home and going no contact. She adds nothing to my life.

OP posts:
Confusedby1 · 03/08/2023 19:05

The way you speak about her is disgusting. What has she done to you? Is it just a case of you not getting along? Clearly some issues here need resolving

Ohhoho · 03/08/2023 19:06

It’s so sad. I hope your DC doesn’t feel that way about you when they are grown up. I should imagine your mother wants a better relationship with you which is why she has tagged along uninvited and for some reason you can’t talk to her like the adult you are. This is important stuff. I think we all go through it to an extent. Mothers should always give their grown up children space or ‘back off’ as my daughter says to me when she feels like it. I couldn’t say that to My mother I just became a stupid child in her presence at times and I never understood, but I do now.
I'm horrified how many of my friends smother their adult children instead of finding friends of their own age. It really is stupid. They have to let you go. They will grieve, then they really will separate from you for their own good. Mothers and children carry chunks of each other inside them. Just try and be kind. Say ‘I know mum that you want to be with me but I need some space sorry.’ Instead of having a childish tantrum.

Humidititties · 03/08/2023 19:06

Confusedby1 · 03/08/2023 19:05

The way you speak about her is disgusting. What has she done to you? Is it just a case of you not getting along? Clearly some issues here need resolving

🙄

Redragtoabull · 03/08/2023 19:07

Tell her exactly how you feel??

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