Holiday gatecrasher

[TakingTheLowRoad]

Have come on a long awaited, short holiday to visit a family member in mainland Europe. First holiday away since 2019 due to covid and financial reasons. I had been invited previously but couldn’t afford it. As it is I only managed to save enough for the flight for myself and one child and can only stay for four nights due to cost of food etc.

On my way to the airport I get a call asking if I can pick up my mum on the way as she’s invited herself along.

She has been to this place several times before me and had lots of time to visit other than when I am here.

The vibe is totally different. She has form for not considering my feelings and has not crashed any of my other siblings holidays to the same destination. This is my only holiday this year yet she will have several more (retired with access to plenty of money).

She is not a person I would have any interest in spending time with and now I’m stuck with her. She has never considered my feelings and has put me in difficult situations because she expects me just to do what I’m told. I have nothing to talk to her about. And it’s all a power trip for her - she has to show me that I have no control what she does and if it causes disruption to me all the better.

AIBU for really struggling with this - I feel like my holiday has been ruined and I can’t wait to go home. And I feel like I’m regressing to the uncared for child I was growing up.

No they don’t and I wouldn’t involve them either because it wouldn’t be fair. It’s just that, in the future, I probably won’t make plans to come here again because I won’t be able to trust my mum wouldn’t do it again, and again, and again and then blame me and act like a victim because I’m not being nice to her.

Sorry but what a nasty bitchy thing for your mum to do. I’d spend every waking hour away from her.

How does she feel about you?

That's completely irrelevant. However the OP's mother feels about the OP, that still doesn't mean the OP has to spend time with her mum if her mum makes her feel like shit.

Frankly, even if the OP had a great relationship with her mum, it would still be weird and unacceptable for her mum to gatecrash her holiday by stealth.

I just feel so hard done by - I’m now sharing a room with my son because she has the room I was suppose to have. Not the holiday I was expecting to have. And with the money I spent on flights I probably could have gotten a week’s holiday somewhere else. My anxiety is through the roof.

I'm sorry she's done this to you.

Lesson learned that you can't visit the relative again.

What a nasty, spiteful cow.
Does your relative realise what your mum was up to and why it would hurt you? Could you rely on them to keep her in the dark about a future visit and make sure she doesn’t get hold of your dates and flight numbers?
Are you able to go out without her in the daytime?

You should speak up and let the family member you are visiting know that you were not aware your mother would be coming, and would not have come if you knew. They need to understand it was not ok to give your plans and flight details to your mother without asking you first.

Yeah, this.

It sucks, OP.

Please go to the stately homes thread on the relationships board to find people that understand exactly what you are going through 💐

Given that the mother can pull a stunt like this and lie about it to her own daughter, the OP doesn’t have to give a shiny shite what her mother feels about her.

Well if you have any sense you’ll distance yourself even further from her going forward. Her loss.
You’ll just have to try to make the best of it now. Try not to let it impact you too much. You may as well enjoy it as much as you can. So sorry. I can imagine how it feels to have a much anticipated break, virtually ruined.

This is rubbish if her especially knowing she's taken your room off you

She's a selfish cow and I'd be livid

I would however tell my family member in the last day that inviting your DM at the same time as you has completely ruined your holiday

What an utter cow she is with no consideration to your feelings or personal space. And not even telling or asking you and then expecting a lift to the airport. She's a bit bonkers your DM

You really do need to confide in your relative

I think it's important for them that you do let them know about your DM behaviour and why it upsets you.

I can’t get the reply thing to work 🤦🏻‍♀️

We’re in a remote location and it was agreed that I wouldn’t need a hire car as we were planning on chilling at the house the whole time. It’s too hot to be randomly out and about during the day and my DC wants to spend time with their cousins.

My family member would think that I was making a fuss about nothing as in true bully style, my sibling has a totally different relationship with my mum than I experience. And I called another sibling yesterday who said how sorry they were that this was happening because they could see how my mum treats me differently to the others. This really is the straw that broke the camel’s back and I will be low contact from now on. And I will be heading over to the stately home thread.

Thanks to every one who understands how upsetting it is to be on the receiving end of such behaviour.

And I feel like a spoilt child, exactly the way my mother treated me as when I was growing up and stated any kind of need or want.

Your mum sounds awful. I am so sorry your holiday was ruined 😢
Try and make the best of the few days you’re there, go out as much as poss with your son and avoid her like the plague. When you get home, tell her how fucking awful she is and go NC.

You’re not a point child. No loving caring mum would act like this. I wouldn’t dream of accosting my children in this way! No way would I book on their holiday without their permission first and knowing they were 100% happy.

The OP has said she cant go out she hasnt got a car. I would be fuming too. I never really got on with my DM and it hurts like hell what they can do to you. I understand its not worth telling your sibling because they would think you were over the top. Im so sorry your holiday is spoilt and I do know how you feel.

Thank you ❤️

In your shoes I wouldn’t take the dignified rise above it stance at all. If you can get her on her own and where nobody else can hear, id have a massive stand up row with her give and give her a hail of fucks . Loud as you can. The atmosphere is strained anyway you may as well capitalise on it . At least you will feel better!! If she likes to be the victim let her . If your family member says anything just say “she’s exaggerating you know what mums like”.

Thank you ❤️

So reading between the lines she was a controlling mother when you were growing up and she has carried this on into adult hood. You are staying with one of her siblings and she's hijacked.

I'd be livid, and NC after this.

If your aunt / uncle is aware of the dysfunction I'd be pretty pissed off with them too. Unless she also controls them?

If you do manage to go low/no contact after this holiday then maybe that’s the positive thing that will come from it. Not the holiday you wanted but maybe the extreme thing that was needed to make you take control and cut her out.

get through it the best you can. Let her comments fly over your head and focus all your energy on you child having a lovely time with their cousins.

Then when you’re back block her on everything for at least 2 month. Then see how you feel about any contact.

Sounds like you are treated like the scape goat by her.

It's awful awful awful.

Never mind low contact I would go no contact.

I meant saying 'no' to picking her up, making it clear that she was never part of the plan!