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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday gatecrasher

211 replies

TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 16:17

Have come on a long awaited, short holiday to visit a family member in mainland Europe. First holiday away since 2019 due to covid and financial reasons. I had been invited previously but couldn’t afford it. As it is I only managed to save enough for the flight for myself and one child and can only stay for four nights due to cost of food etc.

On my way to the airport I get a call asking if I can pick up my mum on the way as she’s invited herself along.

She has been to this place several times before me and had lots of time to visit other than when I am here.

The vibe is totally different. She has form for not considering my feelings and has not crashed any of my other siblings holidays to the same destination. This is my only holiday this year yet she will have several more (retired with access to plenty of money).

She is not a person I would have any interest in spending time with and now I’m stuck with her. She has never considered my feelings and has put me in difficult situations because she expects me just to do what I’m told. I have nothing to talk to her about. And it’s all a power trip for her - she has to show me that I have no control what she does and if it causes disruption to me all the better.

AIBU for really struggling with this - I feel like my holiday has been ruined and I can’t wait to go home. And I feel like I’m regressing to the uncared for child I was growing up.

OP posts:
LatteLady · 02/08/2023 17:56

If I were in the same place as you OP, I would take you out to lunch so you could have a break. Can you organise any way to get out for the day on your own and do something just for you?

TeaKitten · 02/08/2023 17:59

EhrlicheFrau · 02/08/2023 17:56

I meant saying 'no' to picking her up, making it clear that she was never part of the plan!

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She didn’t pick her up… she said so in her second post.

Autumnsoon · 02/08/2023 18:03

Why on earth didn’t the host say no ,that you need your own room .
its hardly a holiday when your sharing a bedroom with your son .
surely the host would of thought ,your spending a bit of money to get there ,and you can’t be expected to share a room

BigBeeee · 02/08/2023 18:04

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Emz6103 · 02/08/2023 18:07

What was your point? It's her mother of course she's gonna know where op is going..... She's visiting family! Why would she have kept it a secret? If she thought her mum was gonna gate crash I expect she would have swarm them all to secrecy.......
How she found out was not the question asked, far from it but there's always that one person to bring a little dusting of spite smh

HopityHope · 02/08/2023 18:07

That is properly awful and please do go LC as a minimum when you’re home, knowing other siblings can see how you’re treated and raised it with you.

Your host will know somethings up. You can simply tell them that you were looking forward to leaving home behind and spending time with them and the dynamic has changed and you weren’t aware your mum was coming and wouldn’t have chosen this.

Isittimeformynapyet · 02/08/2023 18:08

I get on really well with my mum, and so do my cousins - it's all a big lovefest, but if she asks to join us I just say "not this time Mum, it'll change the dynamic" and she's ok even if disappointed.

If she just muscled in like your Mother I would be seriously pissed off. Sorry you have to deal with it.

You could just tell your relatives that you were looking forward to one on one time without saying anything bad about the old lady.

Original poster
TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 18:10

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Sorry - I was deleting and rewriting and posted it. It’s ok if you think it’s made up, I know what’s happened - which is what I posted

OP posts:
EhrlicheFrau · 02/08/2023 18:11

TeaKitten · 02/08/2023 17:59

She didn’t pick her up… she said so in her second post.

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I will admit to reading the first post and then commenting, something quite a few folk do I'd say - there is nothing about her not actually picking her mum up in the first post. Anyway......😬

Gymnopedie · 02/08/2023 18:12

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Go away. The OP didn't imply any of that.

She said she got a call to pick her mum up, but she refused to do so. So the mother had to get someone else to take her to the airport.

So what I'm actually thinking is that it's your post that's unbelievable. No-one could be that hard of reading and thinking, could they?

JassyRadlett · 02/08/2023 18:16

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She didn't imply that at all. You made an assumption that OP had acquiesced to the request, and based that judgement on your assumption.

It's more graceful to own your own errors than to attempt to shift the blame for them.

JassyRadlett · 02/08/2023 18:19

EhrlicheFrau · 02/08/2023 18:11

I will admit to reading the first post and then commenting, something quite a few folk do I'd say - there is nothing about her not actually picking her mum up in the first post. Anyway......😬

Show quote history

And when you do that you risk looking a bit silly, which is I expect an informed risk?

OP I'm so sorry your holiday has been fucked up. I agree that either total grey rock and eye rolls when she complains or a stand up row are probably the only options to try to salvage any of it.

I'm so angry with your sibling as well. How dare they?

EhrlicheFrau · 02/08/2023 18:20

JassyRadlett · 02/08/2023 18:19

And when you do that you risk looking a bit silly, which is I expect an informed risk?

OP I'm so sorry your holiday has been fucked up. I agree that either total grey rock and eye rolls when she complains or a stand up row are probably the only options to try to salvage any of it.

I'm so angry with your sibling as well. How dare they?

Show quote history

As already said, anyway.....😬

Tetchypants · 02/08/2023 18:30

I’d be furious and you have all my sympathy. Who is the family member and didn’t they realise there could be an issue?

I would have to say something to both of them. Is there any way you can cut short the family stay and spend a couple of nights elsewhere before flying home?

Dombasle · 02/08/2023 18:30

Hold on to the sweet satisfying thought that when you part ways after the holiday you can lean in with a massive smile on your face and say,

"I'm so glad you invited yourself along to this holiday Pamela, (call her by her first name, don't use the word mother), it has given me the push that I finally needed to cut you out of my life. No more will I have to put up with your lies and nasty ways." Then carry on smirking as you walk away.

And stick to your word. Block her on everything.

billy1966 · 02/08/2023 18:30

OP, that sounds infuriating and deeply upsetting.

No doubt it is the feeling of powerlessness that you felt as a child being treated badly, bubbling up.

Well done for making the decision to go NC.

Mute her number and be done with it.

Take any opportunity to be on your own in your room and know that this will not happen again.

I feel so sorry for you.

Post again if you need to.

We are here for you.

Coffeetree · 02/08/2023 18:31

Createausername1970 · 02/08/2023 16:58

I think I might make my annoyance known to the family member. Why did they give out your flight details? There is not a lot you can do - other than leave early and leave her there - but appreciate its a holiday for you and your DC.

This. And go home! Fuck it.

Roselilly36 · 02/08/2023 18:37

Very inconsiderate of her, but hey, ask her to babysit so you can go out with whoever invited you. Do not let it ruin your trip.

Mirabai · 02/08/2023 18:47

This is an opportunity to get over what she says and does so you genuinely don’t care. Don’t let her get to you or make you feel anxious.

I would ignore her for the entire trip.

Dibbydoos · 02/08/2023 18:47

I'm so sorry OP, your DM is still playing her game with you, even though your an adult.

I personally would get up early, take my DC and bugger off on our own. She can do what she wants for a day. Do sonething fun for you and your DC and take back some of your holiday. If you want to visit friends/family ask them to meet you somewhere.

Next time, don't collect her, in fact don't answer your phone or reply to her messages, just go and enjoy yourself.

It's your life, you control it.

Canisaysomething · 02/08/2023 18:57

Tell your mum and host everything you have written here. Make them feel uncomfortable rather than seeth in silence. She's already ruined your holiday and you won't be visiting again so what have you got to loose!? Maybe you mum will storm off in a huff and go home!?

FictionalCharacter · 02/08/2023 18:57

My family member would think that I was making a fuss about nothing as in true bully style, my sibling has a totally different relationship with my mum than I experience. And I called another sibling yesterday who said how sorry they were that this was happening because they could see how my mum treats me differently to the others

When you’re back home, I honestly think it’s worth telling your relative, as calmly and factually as possible, what your mother is like to you. Tell them what your other sibling said and tell them some of the background. When you go LC/NC with your mother, she’ll no doubt play the victim. You deserve to be heard and if your relative is a half decent person, they’ll be prepared to change their view.

WonderingWanda · 02/08/2023 19:23

Oh op, your mother sounds like a total cow. Such a shame she's cast her shadow over your holiday and there's little you can do about it now she is there. I think I'd be inclined to blank her as much as possible and try to keep out of her way if possible. Don't react to any of her crap. Just mutter some non commital platitude then get ip and leave the room. If she picks you up on this just say 'Well, I came here for a quiet break not to listen to you moan away like at home' and then proceed to leave the room. So whatnif you offend her, i fact maybe thet would be a bonus at this stage. She'll probably try some hystrionics about how ungrateful you are...just stand firm and ignore. Next, time make plans away from family and keep her firmly at arms length from now on.

titchy · 02/08/2023 19:27

TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 17:20

No they don’t and I wouldn’t involve them either because it wouldn’t be fair. It’s just that, in the future, I probably won’t make plans to come here again because I won’t be able to trust my mum wouldn’t do it again, and again, and again and then blame me and act like a victim because I’m not being nice to her.

Given that they blabbed and have given her the room you were supposed to be I'd certainly get them involved. At the very least they need to be taking her out for the day away from you.

MillWood85 · 02/08/2023 19:30

It's only 4 nights. You'll survive, even if it's with gritted teeth.

And you know that you'll never end up in this situation again.