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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday gatecrasher

211 replies

TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 16:17

Have come on a long awaited, short holiday to visit a family member in mainland Europe. First holiday away since 2019 due to covid and financial reasons. I had been invited previously but couldn’t afford it. As it is I only managed to save enough for the flight for myself and one child and can only stay for four nights due to cost of food etc.

On my way to the airport I get a call asking if I can pick up my mum on the way as she’s invited herself along.

She has been to this place several times before me and had lots of time to visit other than when I am here.

The vibe is totally different. She has form for not considering my feelings and has not crashed any of my other siblings holidays to the same destination. This is my only holiday this year yet she will have several more (retired with access to plenty of money).

She is not a person I would have any interest in spending time with and now I’m stuck with her. She has never considered my feelings and has put me in difficult situations because she expects me just to do what I’m told. I have nothing to talk to her about. And it’s all a power trip for her - she has to show me that I have no control what she does and if it causes disruption to me all the better.

AIBU for really struggling with this - I feel like my holiday has been ruined and I can’t wait to go home. And I feel like I’m regressing to the uncared for child I was growing up.

OP posts:
Soggytoothbrush · 03/08/2023 22:45

StuffLoriThangs · 03/08/2023 21:04

I can’t help but feel the posters that don’t think it’s that bad must have reasonably good relationships with their family. If you don’t have a toxic parent, you have absolutely no idea how grinding it is.

sorry you’re going through this OP

And also lack any empathy! I have a lovely family, we're very close, and have holidayed together frequently. Would anyone in my family invite themselves on another members trip and not tell them? Like hell they would! So while I've thankfully never dealt with a narcissist up close, I can still see how weird and abnormal this behaviour is!

Gran16 · 03/08/2023 22:49

Your mum and mine could be twins!! Don't let her get inside your head and cause you anymore grief, I was in my mid 40's before I was brave enough to take back control from her over me and I've been in counselling too because of her. I've never felt 'good enough' respected or loved, and when I finally decided it was best for my mental health if we had no further contact 3 years ago it was the best decision ever. Feeling free of her sniping and narcissistic controlling behaviour was such a relief. Take care of you and concentrate on caring for those that truly care for you! Good luck 🥰

ifIwerenotanandroid · 03/08/2023 23:02

SaponificationQueen · 03/08/2023 22:41

I would give her dates a week or two after you are going to get home. She can book herself on those dates. You will already be back before she even knows you left. It’s so sad that there are people like this in the world.

Show quote history

I used to be on a forum for people with N relatives, & several pregnant women on there used this technique when giving due dates to those relatives!

billy1966 · 03/08/2023 23:04

Well done for avoiding her and not feeding her awful attention seeking ways.

Avoiding her at the airport having no futher contact is the way to go, even if it means you see less of your obtuse sibling.

I think you will find once the decision is made, your stress levels will ease.

Hang in there.

mylifestory · 03/08/2023 23:45

Narcissistic personality disorder.
Read about this a lot. Join fb groups on it. All will make u feel much better about it. My life changed when someone said the same to me. You'll realise there is a certain breed of mother who fall Iinto this category and there's nothing you can do about it ... except keep Yr distance. Learn the grey rock method. I find it so strange that they all do the exact same things, victim, gaslighting, golden child sibling etc.

Good luck!

Silvers11 · 04/08/2023 00:05

Confusedby1 · 03/08/2023 20:29

Don't get me wrong, I know this, I just don't get why inviting herself along on the holiday to spend time together is such a bad thing?? I still don't understand the original post.. 🙄

Show quote history

Sadly you don't know and you really haven't a clue and it shows in everything you say, I'm sorry.

Original poster
TakingTheLowRoad · 04/08/2023 00:32

mylifestory · 03/08/2023 23:45

Narcissistic personality disorder.
Read about this a lot. Join fb groups on it. All will make u feel much better about it. My life changed when someone said the same to me. You'll realise there is a certain breed of mother who fall Iinto this category and there's nothing you can do about it ... except keep Yr distance. Learn the grey rock method. I find it so strange that they all do the exact same things, victim, gaslighting, golden child sibling etc.

Good luck!

The golden child in our family is the as toxic as my mother 🤦🏻‍♀️. My other siblings are treated differently - one because they have a lot of money and one because they don’t really take any crap.

OP posts:
ChellyT · 04/08/2023 04:44

I'm sorry your mum has spoilt you holiday, your rest, your break and your hard earnt money... I do hope you find solace knowing that there is a lot of us out here that hear you and feel you @TakingTheLowRoad 🌸

I am NC with my family and while it leaves a hole in my life it also brings calm that I won't be dismissed as being overly dramatic or that I also won't be blamed for everything that goes balls up in their lives... because I am no longer part of their lives

Cazareeto1 · 04/08/2023 05:38

I have a toxic mother to, (haven’t seen mine since i was 13,life has been much better) with toxicity falling on to adulthood, first (if you actually want her in your life) when back from holiday (save awkwardness) sit down and try and keep calm and not regress to an emotional state, and explain how she makes you feel. If she doesn’t listen or gaslights take a break from her for a month and see how you feel. With mine I had to run away she was literally going to kill me

Cazareeto1 · 04/08/2023 05:42

The golden child is so she has one always on her side, yous pins like youv been the scape goat. One of my sisters is extremely intelligent she was golden child, me and my sister was called stupid and dumdum dum bitch the list goes on because we were average. It’s shitty especially when ur a kid. If I was you I’d take a little no contact break for a month and reassess your relationship with her. If she makes you feel like this is she worth having around regularly or for her to know ur plans

KeepingKeepingOn · 04/08/2023 06:33

@TakingTheLowRoad I had a mother like this - I went NC, but it was easier as no siblings.

Just wanted to say that I think you’re doing the right thing not engaging and spending money on activities without her. People like this feed on attention - the more she knows she’s getting to you, the more she’ll do it. The best thing to do (and I know how hard it is) is to show her you’re having the BEST time, off here, doing that there, having the brilliant holiday that you’d have had without her there.

The worst thing about mothers like this is how powerless they make you feel (and want to make you feel); one jerk on the umbilical cord and you feel helpless, at her mercy, less important than her and her feelings. But you are none of these things. You are a strong, independent person and you don’t have to react in the way she wants. You can’t prevent her from being there, but you absolutely can make sure she knows she no longer has that power or you. Grit your teeth, throw money at the problem, and bloody well smile through this so she recognises she’s failed in this particular sabotage attempt 🔥

thelengthspeoplegoto · 04/08/2023 06:43

This sounds like the kind of thing my M would do. You have my sympathy. Don't let it stop you from going again though. Just a quiet word to your family member to keep any future arrangements quiet so your mother can't gate crash again.

Genericusername3 · 04/08/2023 07:51

YANBU

Sounds like she has narcissistic traits to me.

I can sympathise as I have also been emotionally neglected in childhood and if I’m around family for too long / in certain circumstances those feelings come back up again.

It sounds difficult but I do think you should bring it up with your sibling, maybe at the end of the holiday or even after you are home. Your feelings are valid and your experiences are your own, if your sibling hasn’t had the same experiences it doesn’t mean they haven’t happened to you.

Sometimes I think the emotionally immature parent needs to see their adult child rising above them assertively to really realise how unfair/ridiculous they are being (although some have victim mentality and will be in complete denial all of their lives and unfortunately it’s not up to us to change that).

Stay strong OP!

Popsicle42 · 04/08/2023 07:57

This sounds so like the way my grandmother was with my mum. Her siblings had no idea how toxic she was to her.

You have my absolute sympathy and I hope you can follow through on low contact when you get home.

Tothepoint99 · 04/08/2023 08:33

TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 17:27

I just feel so hard done by - I’m now sharing a room with my son because she has the room I was suppose to have. Not the holiday I was expecting to have. And with the money I spent on flights I probably could have gotten a week’s holiday somewhere else. My anxiety is through the roof.

😭😭😭

Had a similar scenario with my mother, me, my 4 y.o., and 3 month old baby who'd gone to stay with my brother in a 2 bed house. Albeit she was invited, she expected his master bedroom to herself, and me to sleep in with both my kids in the box room!

LookItsMeAgain · 04/08/2023 08:50

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that you're staying with the sibling that has a lot of money?
My advice is to form some sort of an alliance with the sibling that doesn't take any crap from your mother (if you wanted to).

Gran16 · 04/08/2023 09:01

Good page on Facebook called 'My Horrid Parent'

DSDorangex · 04/08/2023 09:05

Is it possible that the person whom you are visiting has attempted to stage some form of intervention between you and your mother? You say you actively try to avoid her… if that is known within the family then maybe someone misguidedly tried to push you together?? Totally crap from your perspective I know…. If so, you’d need to let the other person know you are beyond that at this stage in your relationship with your mother.
best of luck.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 04/08/2023 09:12

Hopefully in the long run she has done you a favour, in giving you the push you need to get out of the relationship.

I had a tiny wedding because I could exactly see my mum doing small spiteful actions at me to ruin my day. So hard when they're experts in plausible deniability! My mum once made me a sandwich with two crusts, and cheese only in half. There was plenty of cheese and bread! But what can you say!

ThatFraggle · 04/08/2023 09:26

Tothepoint99 · 04/08/2023 08:33

😭😭😭

Had a similar scenario with my mother, me, my 4 y.o., and 3 month old baby who'd gone to stay with my brother in a 2 bed house. Albeit she was invited, she expected his master bedroom to herself, and me to sleep in with both my kids in the box room!

Show quote history

What did you do? How did she react?

Emma2023 · 04/08/2023 10:34

TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 16:25

It’s so shitty all round. I’ve had a terrible year and I just wanted to relax without her judgemental fucking face in my face

Oh I’m so sorry, this is exactly how I would have felt with my mum- can you try and get out and about without her?

JustToBeMe · 04/08/2023 10:37

ChilledBeez · 03/08/2023 16:48

Why don't people read the posts properly before commenting with the wrong info?

  • This🙄*
JustToBeMe · 04/08/2023 10:39

Confusedby1 · 03/08/2023 19:05

The way you speak about her is disgusting. What has she done to you? Is it just a case of you not getting along? Clearly some issues here need resolving

Have you actually read the thread??!!

Or maybe you're the Mother/sibling

Dear god 😏

Cucucucu · 04/08/2023 10:54

Just going without her and leave her alone ! That’s so unfair on you . She sounds awful and a narcissist

moortownplumber · 04/08/2023 14:53

Don’t think she trusts you

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