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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday gatecrasher

211 replies

TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 16:17

Have come on a long awaited, short holiday to visit a family member in mainland Europe. First holiday away since 2019 due to covid and financial reasons. I had been invited previously but couldn’t afford it. As it is I only managed to save enough for the flight for myself and one child and can only stay for four nights due to cost of food etc.

On my way to the airport I get a call asking if I can pick up my mum on the way as she’s invited herself along.

She has been to this place several times before me and had lots of time to visit other than when I am here.

The vibe is totally different. She has form for not considering my feelings and has not crashed any of my other siblings holidays to the same destination. This is my only holiday this year yet she will have several more (retired with access to plenty of money).

She is not a person I would have any interest in spending time with and now I’m stuck with her. She has never considered my feelings and has put me in difficult situations because she expects me just to do what I’m told. I have nothing to talk to her about. And it’s all a power trip for her - she has to show me that I have no control what she does and if it causes disruption to me all the better.

AIBU for really struggling with this - I feel like my holiday has been ruined and I can’t wait to go home. And I feel like I’m regressing to the uncared for child I was growing up.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 03/08/2023 20:37

Really? Have you read the OP carefully, plus the updates, and you still don't understand why it isn't OK?
And you see it as just "time together" that the OP should welcome?

ThatFraggle · 03/08/2023 20:40

Confusedby1 · 03/08/2023 20:34

Is this really because she stood on your wedding dress... seriously...

Let me guess, the world is out to get you...

Do people not realise parents are human too and make mistakes... just ciz you have kids doesn't mean you get it right. Mine certainly didn't but its how you act as an adult and don't repeat the same mistakes.

Just move on. Clearly you are both no good for each other. Either have it out with her like an adult or ask her to book elsewhere to stay for the remainder.

Show quote history

Maybe you empathize with the mum because you're like that.

Thoughts and prayers.

FictionalCharacter · 03/08/2023 20:40

Sorry that was meant for @Confusedby1 . But now I've seen your other posts and I can see you're just stirring.

SaponificationQueen · 03/08/2023 20:41

I had a toxic mother like that. I refused to tell her where I lived for many years because she did not respect boundaries and would show up uninvited. She tried everything to get my address. She even once told me she was doing her will and needed my address to put in the will. Nope. I knew better.

I definitely feel for you. I had to go NC and even change my phone number to get her to stop calling me. She then harassed my siblings trying to get information about me. My brother would tell her everything. I finally told him if she found out one more thing about me from him, he and I would be done. He did it again, and I went NC with him too.

I just don’t understand what people like that who will insert themselves into the lives of others when they have obviously been told they aren’t wanted or welcome. I could never do that. Then again, she was what I now understand was a Covert Narcissist. Everything is all about them.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 03/08/2023 20:42

Being nc isn't bad at all op. Very liberating in fact. I told my dc sometimes people just aren't who /what they claim to be. As they became adults they understood a lot more. None have ever contacted her.
She doesn't even know I am a dgm and she is a dggm.. No need she should be told. Allow yourself time to mourn the fact your dm is in the nc box. And literally mentally file her away.

SaponificationQueen · 03/08/2023 20:46

TakingTheLowRoad · 03/08/2023 19:02

She’s now going around sulking saying she doesn’t feel well and looking at me with tears in her eyes, all in front of my sibling. I just keep walking off and not engaging. It’s driving her MAD but she won’t saying anything because she knows I’ll call her out on her behaviour. She is an absolute child, not eating or drinking and then having a big dramatic scene.

OMG we have the same mother! Mine used to do that too. Look at how horrible my daughter is treating me. NC was my only option with a toxic parent like that.

FictionalCharacter · 03/08/2023 20:52

SaponificationQueen · 03/08/2023 20:46

OMG we have the same mother! Mine used to do that too. Look at how horrible my daughter is treating me. NC was my only option with a toxic parent like that.

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"I don't deserve to be treated like this" <sniff> Did you get that one?

TakenRoot · 03/08/2023 20:53

Huge sympathies OP.

Carry on not engaging (much) , offer paracetamol and the suggestion of her going for a long lie down and get in with your day. Yes, go to water park / out etc. Build an imaginary cocoon around yourself. Go for walk in the shade with a book and a bottle of water and leave your Ds with sibling, cousin and her?

SaponificationQueen · 03/08/2023 20:56

Confusedby1 · 03/08/2023 20:29

Don't get me wrong, I know this, I just don't get why inviting herself along on the holiday to spend time together is such a bad thing?? I still don't understand the original post.. 🙄

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If you don’t get why her inviting herself along is such a bad thing, you definitely haven’t dealt with a Narcissist. Think of the person you would least like to be on holiday with. How would you feel if that person invited themselves along on your holiday.

Not understanding her feelings here could be one of two things. Either there are no Narcissists in your life, in which case I would say that is awesome; or you don’t understand the concept of boundaries. Either way, OP is entitled to feel her feelings.

SaponificationQueen · 03/08/2023 20:57

FictionalCharacter · 03/08/2023 20:52

"I don't deserve to be treated like this" <sniff> Did you get that one?

Show quote history

I absolutely got that one from my NSDM!

ginghamstarfish · 03/08/2023 21:02

Sounds awful OP. There's a lot to be said for going NC with family who are like this, I've done it and it's like a great weight off your shoulders. Please tell the family member that it wasn't their place to tell her your plans.

StuffLoriThangs · 03/08/2023 21:04

I can’t help but feel the posters that don’t think it’s that bad must have reasonably good relationships with their family. If you don’t have a toxic parent, you have absolutely no idea how grinding it is.

sorry you’re going through this OP

LivingDeadGirlUK · 03/08/2023 21:10

hold firm OP she would love a scene, make it till the end of the Holiday then Low low or no contact.

LilyPark · 03/08/2023 21:19

Put a turd in her bed

Original poster
TakingTheLowRoad · 03/08/2023 21:26

Here’s an example of how she behaves and how it triggers me.

She wanted my opinion about another adult child of her’s and a problem she has with them (of her own making). I replied that I’m on my holidays and don’t really have an opinion. She then got cross because, according to her, I should care enough about this sibling to try and help sort out their problem - problem(s) that I have nothing to do with. So I asserted a boundary and she overreacts but makes it about what I’ve done wrong and how I’m a bad person. Not that I have my own children and husband and am not responsible (nor have the head space) to sort out a problem with another sibling, a problem that my mum has created but wants someone else to fix! She then stormed off when I didn’t back down.

OP posts:
notjaneausten · 03/08/2023 21:27

So many posters on here can sympathise, knowing how toxic and two faced such mothers can be. Mine was very similar, really, you will feel so much better when you have cut all ties. It's liberating. Good luck.

girlswillbegirls · 03/08/2023 21:29

People with normal parents don't even grasp what the OP is trying to explain and that's actually very hurtful.

@TakingTheLowRoad please don't mind people minimising the appalling behaviour of your mother. They just can't understand, lucky them.
I went through the same thing with my own toxic mother last year who made me miserable every single day and totally get what you are going through. This year I didn't tell her where we are going and will never tell her again where we are going.
Spend the least amount of time with her for the next few days. Sorry about your toxic mother OP. I really feel for you.

Inkpotlover · 03/08/2023 21:33

Your mum sounds like my grandmother and how she used to treat my DM before she died. Needless to say, my mum doesn’t miss her at all. I only wish she’d stood up to her in life as you are now doing. Keep it up and ignore the idiot posters who are being deliberately obtuse.

Flowerpowera7 · 03/08/2023 21:34

I feel for you. Im dreading mine will join me as she asked exact date we are going. If it happens I will say I worked hard for so long and need a quality time with my family to recharge and will spend every awake hour without her.

Humidititties · 03/08/2023 21:50

Flowerpowera7 · 03/08/2023 21:34

I feel for you. Im dreading mine will join me as she asked exact date we are going. If it happens I will say I worked hard for so long and need a quality time with my family to recharge and will spend every awake hour without her.

Just don't tell her!

CaveMum · 03/08/2023 21:55

Flowerpowera7 · 03/08/2023 21:34

I feel for you. Im dreading mine will join me as she asked exact date we are going. If it happens I will say I worked hard for so long and need a quality time with my family to recharge and will spend every awake hour without her.

Lie! You are not obliged to tell her every detail of your life.

OhComeOnFFS · 03/08/2023 21:58

Some people will never understand, OP, and others will know only too well. Your mother is a manipulative, jealous woman who couldn't stand the thought of you having a happy holiday. Do what you can to enjoy yourself but you know now that you can't trust that family member who you're staying with - surely she should have known you would absolutely hate to have your mum there. Get to the airport at the end of your holiday and completely blank your mum.

WickedSerious · 03/08/2023 22:13

Flowerpowera7 · 03/08/2023 21:34

I feel for you. Im dreading mine will join me as she asked exact date we are going. If it happens I will say I worked hard for so long and need a quality time with my family to recharge and will spend every awake hour without her.

Tell her when you're leaving but lie about where you're going.

ChateauMargaux · 03/08/2023 22:35

Good for you for finding things to do that cannot involve your mother.

I am cheering for you. Don't spend too much time justifying your behaviour in your head.. put yourself first. I tried replying yesterday and suggested noise cancelling headphone and finding space to do some yoga nidra while your son is occupied by relatives / cousins or peraps taking cousins and your son out for early walks or late evening adventures, but throwing money at it and going to a water park sounds great!

SaponificationQueen · 03/08/2023 22:41

Flowerpowera7 · 03/08/2023 21:34

I feel for you. Im dreading mine will join me as she asked exact date we are going. If it happens I will say I worked hard for so long and need a quality time with my family to recharge and will spend every awake hour without her.

I would give her dates a week or two after you are going to get home. She can book herself on those dates. You will already be back before she even knows you left. It’s so sad that there are people like this in the world.