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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday gatecrasher

211 replies

TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 16:17

Have come on a long awaited, short holiday to visit a family member in mainland Europe. First holiday away since 2019 due to covid and financial reasons. I had been invited previously but couldn’t afford it. As it is I only managed to save enough for the flight for myself and one child and can only stay for four nights due to cost of food etc.

On my way to the airport I get a call asking if I can pick up my mum on the way as she’s invited herself along.

She has been to this place several times before me and had lots of time to visit other than when I am here.

The vibe is totally different. She has form for not considering my feelings and has not crashed any of my other siblings holidays to the same destination. This is my only holiday this year yet she will have several more (retired with access to plenty of money).

She is not a person I would have any interest in spending time with and now I’m stuck with her. She has never considered my feelings and has put me in difficult situations because she expects me just to do what I’m told. I have nothing to talk to her about. And it’s all a power trip for her - she has to show me that I have no control what she does and if it causes disruption to me all the better.

AIBU for really struggling with this - I feel like my holiday has been ruined and I can’t wait to go home. And I feel like I’m regressing to the uncared for child I was growing up.

OP posts:
Humidititties · 03/08/2023 19:07

Ohhoho · 03/08/2023 19:06

It’s so sad. I hope your DC doesn’t feel that way about you when they are grown up. I should imagine your mother wants a better relationship with you which is why she has tagged along uninvited and for some reason you can’t talk to her like the adult you are. This is important stuff. I think we all go through it to an extent. Mothers should always give their grown up children space or ‘back off’ as my daughter says to me when she feels like it. I couldn’t say that to My mother I just became a stupid child in her presence at times and I never understood, but I do now.
I'm horrified how many of my friends smother their adult children instead of finding friends of their own age. It really is stupid. They have to let you go. They will grieve, then they really will separate from you for their own good. Mothers and children carry chunks of each other inside them. Just try and be kind. Say ‘I know mum that you want to be with me but I need some space sorry.’ Instead of having a childish tantrum.

Bollocks

Schooldilemma2345 · 03/08/2023 19:12

I’m so sorry OP, that’s so shit.
just grey rock her much as you can and look into covert narcissism when you’re hiding in your room. Sending you a hug.

booomshackalack · 03/08/2023 19:18

OP ignore the idiots trying to make you feel like you're the bad guy here, they've probably never poked their heads out of that comfy bubble they live in where families all get along (either that or THEY are the toxic ones in the family!).
I get it. I've been NC with my 'mother' for over a decade, she brought nothing positive to my life, just misery, so I stopped contact altogether and my life is much better for it.

AllyArty · 03/08/2023 19:18

The best thing u can do is pretend to be happy. Let her hear u laughing and finding the good in everything. Complement your hosts and keep a smile on your face. She sounds like a desperately unhappy woman who wants to make u unhappy. Don’t let her win. 🤗

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 03/08/2023 19:22

Confusedby1 · 03/08/2023 19:05

The way you speak about her is disgusting. What has she done to you? Is it just a case of you not getting along? Clearly some issues here need resolving

Perhaps she has been a disgusting parent.

My mother is the same and thats the reason I haven't seen or spoken to her is years.

OhcantthInkofaname · 03/08/2023 19:28

Did I misinterpret that she invited herself to your home for 2 weeks after this trip? Don't let her near you.

Throckmorton · 03/08/2023 19:29

You can absolutely tell who on this thread has no clue that not every parent is a good parent!

Silvers11 · 03/08/2023 19:32

Confusedby1 · 03/08/2023 19:05

The way you speak about her is disgusting. What has she done to you? Is it just a case of you not getting along? Clearly some issues here need resolving

Oh for Goodness sake! You clearly haven't had to deal with someone who is so Toxic. Plenty of parents are NOT good ones. At All. Some are really unkind and don't actually care about their children, except as appendages to themselves

You should count yourself lucky that you (clearly) haven't been that unfortunate🙄🙄

Beaverbridge · 03/08/2023 19:35

Yeah go about singing and laughing even if it's at nothing. Know exactly how you feel I had this carry on with late Mother. They find fault with you but want to hang about with you. Try not let it spoil what's left of your break. Why the feck does she want to come to yours for a fortnight?!.

Silvers11 · 03/08/2023 19:36

Throckmorton · 03/08/2023 19:29

You can absolutely tell who on this thread has no clue that not every parent is a good parent!

Spot on!! They stand out a mile. Lucky them I guess, but so judgemental of those of us who drew very short straws in the parents stake!

Jewnicorn · 03/08/2023 19:42

Some of the replies here 🙄 - tell me you are lucky enough not to be the daughter
if a narcissistic mother without telling me
You’re lucky enough not to be the daughter of a narcissist mother.

OP - I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m
sorry she’s escalating because you’re not playing her games. My mother left yesterday after staying with me for a week and I’ve basically spent most of today sitting quietly enjoying the relief.

Original poster
TakingTheLowRoad · 03/08/2023 19:44

I’m not really bothered about the posters who think I’m the bad one - I know I’m not. There isn’t enough time to explain all the things she has done to me and over the past 20+ years I’ve repressed it as she’s very clever at making me think that how she behaves is not that bad - and then will do a grand gesture that makes it difficult to be outwardly cross. But at the moment all I remember is all the horrible things she has done including deliberately standing on my wedding dress on my way to the church.

OP posts:
PoppyTries · 03/08/2023 19:47

TakingTheLowRoad · 02/08/2023 21:07

I can’t control what other people tell her! Or the decisions she makes. I just wanted a break from reality for a little while and it is impossible with someone who hogs the conversation and makes everything about herself.

Show quote history

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I have a similar situation with a sibling who insists on involving herself whenever I make plans with any other family member. It’s a little petty, but I just ignore her when she starts complaining- I walk away, start a conversation with someone else, put in headphones, go somewhere else to read a book, etc. it annoys her to no end, but I don’t particularly care because she’s annoyed me by interrupting my visit.

itsmyp4rty · 03/08/2023 19:48

I'd say this is classic narcissist behaviour Op, right down to the fact that you feel like you're the one going mad and lots of other people think you're the one with the problem.
I believe you 100% as I have 25 years experience of living with a narcissist. They are complete and utter mind fucks and they fool almost everyone else.

Original poster
TakingTheLowRoad · 03/08/2023 19:51

I’m not really bothered about the posters who think I’m the bad one - I know I’m not. There isn’t enough time to explain all the things she has done to me and over the past 20+ years I’ve repressed it as she’s very clever at making me think that how she behaves is not that bad - and then will do a grand gesture that makes it difficult to be outwardly cross but it’s all deliberate. But at the moment all I remember is all the horrible things she has done including deliberately standing on my wedding dress on my way to the church. Every time I tell myself to get over it - I keep thinking about another time she’s disregarded me as a person. I really think this trip has open the flood gates and I don’t want to repress my feelings anymore

OP posts:
caringcarer · 03/08/2023 19:51

Marwoodsbigbreak · 02/08/2023 17:11

That’s shit.

All I can suggest is that you get up early and go out without her. Don’t tell her your plans, or tell her you are doing something she would hate. She likes shopping? You’re going horse riding.

This, get up early and go out alone with DC and avoid her. Don't tell her where you are going.

HopityHope · 03/08/2023 19:59

TakingTheLowRoad · 03/08/2023 19:04

I’m really looking forward to getting home and going no contact. She adds nothing to my life.

This is great OP!
Use this excitement and liberating feeling to enjoy this holiday knowing this will never happen again and you have reached the time where things have tipped over and NC/LC will feel glorious. You have the power back and will have a great time being able to blanket say no to everything now.

dapsnotplimsolls · 03/08/2023 20:01

How does your DC feel about her and what's she like with them? LC at the very least when you get home seems to be the ideal solution.

Sarahbumdaa · 03/08/2023 20:03

I'm so sorry this happened to you and im angry on your behalf. By any chance is the sibling your staying with the golden child. As if they are they won't see it from your point of view. I would leave there's no way I could stay. Sending you hugs

FictionalCharacter · 03/08/2023 20:08

TakingTheLowRoad · 03/08/2023 19:44

I’m not really bothered about the posters who think I’m the bad one - I know I’m not. There isn’t enough time to explain all the things she has done to me and over the past 20+ years I’ve repressed it as she’s very clever at making me think that how she behaves is not that bad - and then will do a grand gesture that makes it difficult to be outwardly cross. But at the moment all I remember is all the horrible things she has done including deliberately standing on my wedding dress on my way to the church.

Let me guess, she pretended it was an accident, acted mortified and everyone comforted HER with all the “oh don’t worry Sheila, it was an accident, not your fault” which she then lapped up?

ifIwerenotanandroid · 03/08/2023 20:15

So many of you here need @HedgehogB 's response:

You’ve clearly never had a narcissistic relative. lucky you

If you don't understand this situation, say a word of thanks to the Fates & move on. Ns are like nothing else on this earth - buffoons who think they're the centre of the universe & nobody really exists except them, who warp everything & everyone around them in order to shore up their phoney self-image. They're both laughable & dangerous. They're pathetic & yet very, very wearing & unpleasant to be around. And once they've got you in their sights, for some imagined slight or for not doing exactly what they wanted you to (without you even knowing what that was), they won't give up or forget; they'll pursue their revenge - although sometimes, due to their bizarre view of the world, their 'revenge' is equally bizarre & laughable.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, well, as I said above, thank your lucky stars & don't criticise those of us who HAVE experienced it.

FictionalCharacter · 03/08/2023 20:16

Honestly we could have MN bingo on this thread. We’ve had:

You don’t seem to like her very much
Maybe she just wants a better relationship with you, give her a chance etc
Well you’re not behaving very well either
You shouldn’t have agreed to pick her up (on repeat) - she didn’t!
Be Kind

Do people really not get it?

laalaaland · 03/08/2023 20:24

I think a lot of people with more normal families genuinely don't get it. Friends of mine still encourage me to reconcile with my mum, seeming to have forgotten all the shit she's put me through. My life is SO much better without her. Well done OP for the fabulous grey rock tactic. Really hope you can continue to make the very best of your holiday - if only just to spite her!

Confusedby1 · 03/08/2023 20:29

Silvers11 · 03/08/2023 19:32

Oh for Goodness sake! You clearly haven't had to deal with someone who is so Toxic. Plenty of parents are NOT good ones. At All. Some are really unkind and don't actually care about their children, except as appendages to themselves

You should count yourself lucky that you (clearly) haven't been that unfortunate🙄🙄

Show quote history

Don't get me wrong, I know this, I just don't get why inviting herself along on the holiday to spend time together is such a bad thing?? I still don't understand the original post.. 🙄

Confusedby1 · 03/08/2023 20:34

TakingTheLowRoad · 03/08/2023 19:51

I’m not really bothered about the posters who think I’m the bad one - I know I’m not. There isn’t enough time to explain all the things she has done to me and over the past 20+ years I’ve repressed it as she’s very clever at making me think that how she behaves is not that bad - and then will do a grand gesture that makes it difficult to be outwardly cross but it’s all deliberate. But at the moment all I remember is all the horrible things she has done including deliberately standing on my wedding dress on my way to the church. Every time I tell myself to get over it - I keep thinking about another time she’s disregarded me as a person. I really think this trip has open the flood gates and I don’t want to repress my feelings anymore

Is this really because she stood on your wedding dress... seriously...

Let me guess, the world is out to get you...

Do people not realise parents are human too and make mistakes... just ciz you have kids doesn't mean you get it right. Mine certainly didn't but its how you act as an adult and don't repeat the same mistakes.

Just move on. Clearly you are both no good for each other. Either have it out with her like an adult or ask her to book elsewhere to stay for the remainder.