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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH leaving children alone

247 replies

benandholly03 · 02/08/2023 00:25

DSS has been at football camp all day, 10am-4pm. I dropped him off at his friends before work, and the plan was to collect him on the way home from the same friends house.

DH has been working at home all day, looking after my 10 year old DD and 9 year old DSD. Neither girl have the common sense of what to do in an emergency which i admit is probably partially our fault.

DSSs friends mum rang me around 2pm to say her other son was ill and didnt think DS should come back round in case he caught the bug and passed it all on to us, especially with me being pregnant.

I rang DH, explained he would need to go to my mums and ask her to sit with the girls while he collected DSS. He went and knocked on, and instead of trying the other million people we can ask to babysit especially for a short period, he left the girls home alone. Everything is fine and they just sat and watched a film.

I came home early and walked in to find them home alone. This was at 4.45 and DH left at 3.30.

AIBU to think they are too young to be left for that length of period? I occasionally nip to the shop (2 min walk) and leave them playing which i feel bad enough about but this has taken the biscuit for me and hes sleeping in the caravan tonight

OP posts:
Firstttimemama · 02/08/2023 00:28

Don’t really see an issue at that age tbh, more of an issue if they haven’t been taught what to do in an emergency but that’s more to do with the individual child than their age

Mumof4plusbonus · 02/08/2023 00:33

It would be too young for me and my kids but some are more mature I suppose. Only you can know. That’s a long time and it must be a fair distance if it took him that much time. He couldn’t take them with him?

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2023 00:36

I wouldn't have done this, and my kids were very sensible at that age. I just wouldn't have been comfortable with it, especially for that long. You need to have a calm, open-minded discussion with your husband so you can come to an agreement about this.

cyncope · 02/08/2023 00:36

9 and 10 year olds should be ok. Tell them what to do in an emergency.

INeedAnotherName · 02/08/2023 00:37

This was at 4.45 and DH left at 3.30.
The length of time was the issue imo, over an hour. If he knew he was leaving them for that long he should have taken them with him.

Frankenpug23 · 02/08/2023 00:48

I agree with you - its too young for them to be left.

Housefullofcatsandkids · 02/08/2023 00:49

Why couldn't he take them with him? I can't actually remember how long I would have left my eldest at that age it was a long time ago. Certainly wouldn't have left my second child at that age, he was much older but my eldest was probably sensible enough to be left alone.
The first time probably shouldn't have been an emergency/unplanned situation either. Ideally they would have been told what to do in certain situations before hand.

DragonDoor · 02/08/2023 00:57

In all honesty, I think you sound quite controlling… is it common for you to make your husband sleep outside when you have a difference in opinion about parenting??

What I don’t understand in this scenario is why the trip took 1hr 15 minutes, or why you told him to get someone to look after the girls. 3 children can fit in the backseat of a car.

You say you have left your children before, albeit for a much shorter length of time.Why don’t you get a babysitter when you pop out? Why is it ok for you to do that and not him?

converseandjeans · 02/08/2023 00:58

It's not too long to leave them for a short time. However presumably they were left to their own devices all day if he was supposed to be working? I can see why employers want staff back in the office.

CheekyHobson · 02/08/2023 01:01

I would leave two reasonably sensible kids of that age alone for up to 30 minutes as long as I wasn’t more than 5 minutes away by foot or car. An hour and a quarter is too long, especially if he wasn’t in close range.

Original poster
benandholly03 · 02/08/2023 01:02

Sorry thought I said- DH has a two seater car, i had the family car at work with me as I didnt think this would be an issue.

To me there is a big difference Between being on a laptop in the next room to being a 20 minute drive away- longer in rush hour traffic especially at the moment due to road works which is why it took so long.

OP posts:
sweatynoob · 02/08/2023 01:02

My 9 and 10 year olds walk to school at that age as they were entering Yesr 5 and 6 so were used to being alone. I think you need to cut the apron strings a little to prepare them for the real world.

Peachy2005 · 02/08/2023 01:11

Make sure the person minding the kids has the bigger car in future. A father of 3 (almost 4) having a 2-seater car is frankly ridiculous.

converseandjeans · 02/08/2023 01:41

To me there is a big difference Between being on a laptop in the next room to being a 20 minute drive away- longer in rush hour traffic especially at the moment due to road works which is why it took so long.

Yes but it sounds like he was in charge of the 2 girls all day & then spent almost 2 hours picking DS up when he was actually supposed to be working. I can't see how he could be productive if he's chasing about after the kids.

I don't know he had a better solution if he didn't have space. Only option was for you to leave work with the other car. He was also working - why couldn't you go?

BrawnWild · 02/08/2023 01:52

Most 11 year olds walk to and from secondary without adult supervision.

They sat and watched a film, they werent cooking or even playing - imo that 2 mins has more potential for accidents that an hour or so watching a film.

Surely you and DH agree to disagree, dont need a big row and a night in the caravan.

What other practical thing could he have done? Left DS? What if your mum wasnt available? How long would it have taken to find someone? How old is DSS? Was the potential he would be left alone after he activity or someone would have had to stay and supervise? Was that possible?

AMessageToYouRuby · 02/08/2023 02:08

I would expect to be able to leave them for a couple of hours during the daytime at these ages providing they got on well and weren't particularly chaotic. It seems more a family error in that you are failing to prepare them for any independence. What if DH was injured while caring for them, they should have some basic emergency skills.

I don't what you're gaining by banishing him to the caravan I'd be apoplectic if DH sent me to sleep elsewhere after I'd dealt with DC all day because it wasn't to his unreasonable standards.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/08/2023 02:42

Doesn't sound like a big deal to me. We stayed home alone at that age.

We were bookworms & not especially mischievous though.

greenspaces4peace · 02/08/2023 02:55

so did they behave reasonably? no broken glass, potted plants turned over, lost cats? did they try to kill one another and each have bruise that support the story?
if not simply ask them what emergency numbers they are familiar with, go over your home fire drill and congratulate them on a successful first time home alone.

ConfusedByThisShit · 02/08/2023 02:55

No, I don’t think this is OK. A 9yr old shouldn’t be left for over an hour at home with no parent or help close at hand. And it’s not appropriate for a 10 yr old child to be supervising a 9 yr old for that period even if you think a 10 yr old can stay at home for that long alone (I don’t personally).

Children do a hell of a lot of growing up between 9 and 12 and as you say, it’s the what if scenario that’s the issue. Nothing happened so that’s fine, but I wouldn’t expect a 9yr old to be able to cope with an emergency. And that’s the issue. Of course the chances of a house fire, or the 10 yr old tripping up and knocking herself out etc are small but what if? Bearing in mind that me, as a full grown adult, has accidentally fallen down the stairs more than once completely out of the blue! Random and weird accidents do happen and I think 9 yrs old is too young to have a full set of coping skills. It’s a silly and unnecessary risk imo.

Also, these threads always divide folk. I remember a similar one recently where everyone insisted it was too young to be left alone. It really does vary quite a lot. You know your DC and in your shoes I’d be furious with DH too.

SunRainStorm · 02/08/2023 02:56

Peachy2005 · 02/08/2023 01:11

Make sure the person minding the kids has the bigger car in future. A father of 3 (almost 4) having a 2-seater car is frankly ridiculous.

I agree with this. Ridiculous.

Simonjt · 02/08/2023 05:50

I would be fine leaving children of that age for that long, if it’s okay for you to leave them to go to the shops, its okay for someone else to leave them. If he isn’t allowed in the house, lets hope he’s getting a plan sorted to get out of their permanently.

autienotnaughti · 02/08/2023 05:56

I wouldn't leave a 9 and 10 year old alone for that length of time and you hadn't discussed if you are both happy to. Why didn't he ring u back.

Angryappendix · 02/08/2023 06:13

Not ideal but you had the bigger car and it’s a bigger issue that your husband sleeps outside of his home and bed because of a disagreement.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 02/08/2023 06:26

Honestly, I think you're being ridiculous.

He went and asked your mum and she wasn't available or didn't answer (not sure which).

He couldn't take them with him as you had the car, so what else was he supposed to do in a last-minute emergency?

If someone told me to go and sleep elsewhere over this I'd think they were batshit. And I'd tell them to go and sleep elsewhere if they were so upset!

MakeMeShine · 02/08/2023 06:31

That length of time is too long, yes. But seriously, he’s “sleeping in the caravan”?

If you have the hump then you should be the one to leave and find somewhere else to sleep. You’re not his mother, you don’t get to banish him from his own bed because you don’t like what he’s done.

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