DH leaving children alone

[benandholly03]

DSS has been at football camp all day, 10am-4pm. I dropped him off at his friends before work, and the plan was to collect him on the way home from the same friends house.

DH has been working at home all day, looking after my 10 year old DD and 9 year old DSD. Neither girl have the common sense of what to do in an emergency which i admit is probably partially our fault.

DSSs friends mum rang me around 2pm to say her other son was ill and didnt think DS should come back round in case he caught the bug and passed it all on to us, especially with me being pregnant.

I rang DH, explained he would need to go to my mums and ask her to sit with the girls while he collected DSS. He went and knocked on, and instead of trying the other million people we can ask to babysit especially for a short period, he left the girls home alone. Everything is fine and they just sat and watched a film.

I came home early and walked in to find them home alone. This was at 4.45 and DH left at 3.30.

AIBU to think they are too young to be left for that length of period? I occasionally nip to the shop (2 min walk) and leave them playing which i feel bad enough about but this has taken the biscuit for me and hes sleeping in the caravan tonight

Ha, this!

Leaving them alone for that length of time without preparation is not ideal, but it was a judgement call that I think was fair enough in the situation. And I do think it's time to have prepared them. My older two stayed at home alone for 45 min or so aged 10 and (nearly) 8. The eldest had been staying alone for half an hour or so since 9. It really is the right sort of age to start with these small steps towards independence.

The banishment to the caravan is just silly and tbh a bit vindictive.

Depends on the children, but I think the issue is the length of time rather than leaving them per se. At those ages and if sensible I wouldn’t have an issue with say 45 mins, but an hour and a half seems a bit long.

Banishing him to the caravan is massively OTT though

@benandholly03
Your poor husband - you sound abusive! I feel sorry for him being stuck with you since you are now pregnant too.
Maybe teach your existing kids some common sense before brining another one into the world...

So

DH is working from home, and looking after one each of yours and his children

You called him to tell him he needs to sort out collecting his son.

He couldn't reach anyone so instead of leaving his kid stranded, he left two kids watching telly to collect him.

Now HE'S the arsehole who you've kicked out of his own home?

Reverse??

Also, you chose to take the family car knowing that in an emergency, he couldn't fit the kids in.

need a bigger car to accomodate all the family members imo and no i would not leave my 9.5yr old at home on her own and we have security cameras covering each room (beside bathroom,toilet)and switch on in bedrooms as needed when we all go out.

hes sleeping in the caravan tonight

He is probably relieved to be able to get away from you.
Incidentally, what do you say to the children when he is banished to the caravan?

I just read you banished him into caravan,why? Hif he had 2 seater car physically he could not have taken the girls along,he was stuffed either way he made the best decision under the circumstances. Just get rid if the useless 2 seater before another situation like this arises

9 and 10 would be too young for me, though I did lol at the poster from Dickensian London who thinks nine year olds should have jobs (no, I know that's not quite what she said). There's a big difference between a 9 year old and an 11yo in secondary going to school independently. If they've never been left before, it needs building up to.

I think a 9 and 10 year old should be fine left alone for an hour or two tbh, as long as at least one of them has no SN. As long as they know basic rules such as don’t use the cooker, touch anything sharp and they know how to call 999 get help in an emergency (which they should have been taught by now!) then all should be well. It is probably good for their self confidence to learn a bit of self sufficiency.

Ideally they would both have been left alone for gradually increasing periods prior to this so they got some experience / confidence.

Honestly, it is so incredibly bad for children’s mental health to never be given any freedom or responsibility and to always be under a parents eyes. It really undermines their self confidence and affects their sense of self.

Not an issue in my opinion as long as the girls get on. I leave my 10 year old for a couple hours sometimes if I have to, he’s sensible. I wouldn’t leave him and my 9 year old because they fight and don’t get on.. but yeah, if the girls get on I don’t see the issue

9 and 10 year olds are old enough to be left.

What's the difference between being indoors alone for an hour or so versus going out to play in the park etc? It's probably be safer to be home alone.

So if you finished work before 4, and ds was at the football club til 4, why did dh need to do anything? You could have just left work in time to go via the football club for 4 and collect ds?

Good point. You took the larger car making the situation awkward op. It would have been far better for you to have collected your ds.

Sorry, you lost me at the 'sleeping in the caravan tonight'. Who are you to discipline your dh? It's manipulation that if he does something you don't like, he's kicked out of his own bed. You don't even do it to your own kids, to banish them from they house when they did woktging wrong. Yet you dictate where a grown man can sleep. What if he kicked you to the garage cause you did something he didn't like. MN would be outraged

9 and 10 year old girls together at home alone for just over 1 hour is fine if parents have already prepped them for this (explained the rules and how to be safe - no cooking, spare keys, call and text checkins at least every hour, phone parents if there’s an issue, knock on neighbours door, etc). This is something that should have been implemented by now.
10 year old should be trialling travelling to and from school alone soon in preparation for Secondary School/independence, if they haven’t already started doing so.

Your DH had to make a judgement call and left in an emergency, so it wasn’t planned.

The bigger family car should have been left at home in case DH and the girls needed it and you should have taken the 2-seater car.

You were ridiculous to ask/expect him to sleep in a caravan due to this. What was the point of that?

I'm imagining the neighbours looking out at your dh sloping off to the caravan and saying "Oh dear, John's in the dog house again."

Also, to add we sometimes leave our DD12 home alone for a few hours, but we would not leave both DD12 and DS8 home alone together for more than 5 mins as they have been known to fight. We’re awaiting an ASD/Autism Assessment for DS8.

You're being both ridiculous and controlling. DH should probably look into finding somewhere else to sleep permanently if this is typical behaviour from you.

Children don’t magically become capable of
being left home alone when they turn 9 or 10. It’s the parents’ responsibility to start teaching the knowledge that makes this possible several years before. It sounds like DD and DSD urgently need to be taught a few life skills in readiness for the increased independence of secondary school.

If OP was a man who was making his wife sleep outside as a punishment people would be much harsher in their responses.

You have some responsibility for teaching your child to have the relevant 'home alone' skills.

You also took the family car to work, leaving the person minding 3 children, a car that only seats 1 passenger.

These are the things you need to resolve first - your DH made a reasonable choice based on the situation he was in at the time, it may not have been the choice YOU'D have made but then, you weren't there - he was.

Unless you are going to drip feed that he insists on the stupid car, refuses to let you drive it, that neither home alone child knows how to use a phone to dial 999 or ring their dad... I think YABU here.

Totally normal here for kids that age get them selves home from school and be one for a few hours till parents get home. Only issue for me is that if the kids have not been prepared at all then it might not be great. But also your conflict resolution needs work.

You’ve kicked him out of his home for this? That’s fucking mental.