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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH leaving children alone

247 replies

benandholly03 · 02/08/2023 00:25

DSS has been at football camp all day, 10am-4pm. I dropped him off at his friends before work, and the plan was to collect him on the way home from the same friends house.

DH has been working at home all day, looking after my 10 year old DD and 9 year old DSD. Neither girl have the common sense of what to do in an emergency which i admit is probably partially our fault.

DSSs friends mum rang me around 2pm to say her other son was ill and didnt think DS should come back round in case he caught the bug and passed it all on to us, especially with me being pregnant.

I rang DH, explained he would need to go to my mums and ask her to sit with the girls while he collected DSS. He went and knocked on, and instead of trying the other million people we can ask to babysit especially for a short period, he left the girls home alone. Everything is fine and they just sat and watched a film.

I came home early and walked in to find them home alone. This was at 4.45 and DH left at 3.30.

AIBU to think they are too young to be left for that length of period? I occasionally nip to the shop (2 min walk) and leave them playing which i feel bad enough about but this has taken the biscuit for me and hes sleeping in the caravan tonight

OP posts:
Doone21 · 02/08/2023 17:01

You're very anxious not to be able to leave them for 2 hrs. Get a grip. If they were happy then they're clearly ready for it. Give them some proper practical emergency training so you can relax about it. And FFS bring your dog back indoors (sorry - husband). That's no way to treat another adult.

Rathouse · 02/08/2023 17:07

Why does your DH have a 2 seater car when you are pregnant? Honestly I think once the baby comes along you will be posting a lot more!

I wouldn't of left my 9 year old also far too long.

Seaside3 · 02/08/2023 17:24

So many issues here.

  1. Teach your children what to do in an emergency.
  1. Get a more appropriate car for husband. Or you take it to work.
  1. Don't send him to the dog house for taking action. Maybe he took himself for a break.
  1. Why didn't the footballer just wait? Seems he's been with sick child all day, so likely to have the bug anyway.
  1. Not related to you, but lordy,.why are so many parents afraid to leave kids who are almost secondary age alone for a few minutes? What do people think is going to happen when?

Sorry, op, you're definitely being unreasonable.

grumpycow1 · 02/08/2023 17:27

benandholly03 · 02/08/2023 01:02

Sorry thought I said- DH has a two seater car, i had the family car at work with me as I didnt think this would be an issue.

To me there is a big difference Between being on a laptop in the next room to being a 20 minute drive away- longer in rush hour traffic especially at the moment due to road works which is why it took so long.

Well that’s a bit silly having a 2 seater car with 3 kids. Is he a big man child who needs a shiny toy? I think that’s too long to leave them and he should have let you know so you could call and make sure they’re ok. Doesn’t sound a healthy relationship tbh.

Rathouse · 02/08/2023 17:29

Seaside3 · 02/08/2023 17:24

So many issues here.

  1. Teach your children what to do in an emergency.
  1. Get a more appropriate car for husband. Or you take it to work.
  1. Don't send him to the dog house for taking action. Maybe he took himself for a break.
  1. Why didn't the footballer just wait? Seems he's been with sick child all day, so likely to have the bug anyway.
  1. Not related to you, but lordy,.why are so many parents afraid to leave kids who are almost secondary age alone for a few minutes? What do people think is going to happen when?

Sorry, op, you're definitely being unreasonable.

Aged 9 and 10 is primary. Most parents may start to let their child walk home from school in year 6 and some may not. A few minutes or 2 hours? Perhaps nearer football club is needed because it's all a bit unesscessary and to top it off a baby is going to be here soon. So something has to give OP.

NumberTheory · 02/08/2023 17:36

I don’t think it’s ideal if you haven’t spent any time talking to them about what to do in different scenarios and building up to it. But even unschooled 9 year olds are normally with it enough to, for instance, get out of burning building. And if you have close enough community that there are people your DH could have called on to mind the girls, then there are places they could go to if they did find things out of their control.

Nordicrainagainagain · 02/08/2023 17:40

YABU. Not because you think it's too young to be left along that long - I agree with that generally, DD is similar age and I would leave her alone for max an hour when I am not far away. She is well prepared and actively wants to do this - but he didn't really have a choice. You told him to go rather than leaving your work, although he is also working, when you had the only transport that accomodated the children. He tried you mum but she was unavailable. So he took a view on the risk, which is as a parent is also enttiled to do, even if it isn't exactly the same risk assessment you would make.

Your reaction is OTT.

NoThanksymm · 02/08/2023 17:50

Really funny read.

You know your kids, But hopefully your DH does too.

as you pointed out this seems more a failing of parenting.

legally in my country you can stay home alone at 8, babysit siblings at 10, and get paid to babysit others at 12.

if your kids can’t make those milestones, just like when they were babies, you should be concerned and working toward them or gettIng help. Yeah yeah, every child is different, but it’s still a goal. And these are government standards… they are made for the lower bars, not the exceptional children.

you probably need to chill, give your kids more responsibility and trust, they will surprise you.

or you will come home to one (12yo boy of a friend) of them about to microwave a ball of tinfoil because he saw it on YouTube.

they gonna learn somehow!!

Fishbellycuddle · 02/08/2023 17:54

For me it depends on how mature the children and only you know how they might handle things x I agree to start teaching them how to handle an emergency situation is a good thing

Maddy70 · 02/08/2023 17:56

He didn't have an option if you had the car that could accommodate them. He did what he could why would you take the family car when he was at home with the family ?

Making him sleep in the caravan? Massive overreaction

Craycraycatbaby · 02/08/2023 18:02

You are being v unreasonable. What other option did he have exactly? If someone tried making me sleep outside I wouldn't be coming back!

I've leave my 8 year old home alone whilst I pop to the shops because I know he can be trusted and he knows what to do in an emergency. You need to teach your kids what to do in case something like this happens again, which I'm sure it will, having a 2 seater car with almost 4 kids 🤨

nevertoomuchnevertoomuch · 02/08/2023 18:05

I wouldn't leave my kids at that age.

Everything is ok until the unexpected happens. Then they don't know what to do!

saltinesandcoffeecups · 02/08/2023 18:07

Jesus OP, calm down.

Why did you kick him out of the house? That sounds rather abusive. What other things have you kicked him out of the home for?

Why did you leave him with a car not suitable to transport all the kids he’s responsible for? What if one of them had an accident and needed the doctor or hospital? You appear to be setting him up to fail.

Why are you (and he) not teaching your children basic life skills?

So many things wrong with how this has been handled.

Quite frankly your kids sound like they have the most sense in your family.

GoodChat · 02/08/2023 18:28

nevertoomuchnevertoomuch · 02/08/2023 18:05

I wouldn't leave my kids at that age.

Everything is ok until the unexpected happens. Then they don't know what to do!

So would you leave your sick child elsewhere?

Elaina87 · 02/08/2023 18:32

It's too long to leave them so you're not being unreasonable there. It's unreasonable to make him sleep in the caravan.

Elaina87 · 02/08/2023 18:33

converseandjeans · 02/08/2023 00:58

It's not too long to leave them for a short time. However presumably they were left to their own devices all day if he was supposed to be working? I can see why employers want staff back in the office.

Oh for goodness sake, they're 9 and 10 not toddlers. They can entertain themselves while he works. But he is in next room in case of emergency.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 02/08/2023 18:41

NoThanksymm · 02/08/2023 17:50

Really funny read.

You know your kids, But hopefully your DH does too.

as you pointed out this seems more a failing of parenting.

legally in my country you can stay home alone at 8, babysit siblings at 10, and get paid to babysit others at 12.

if your kids can’t make those milestones, just like when they were babies, you should be concerned and working toward them or gettIng help. Yeah yeah, every child is different, but it’s still a goal. And these are government standards… they are made for the lower bars, not the exceptional children.

you probably need to chill, give your kids more responsibility and trust, they will surprise you.

or you will come home to one (12yo boy of a friend) of them about to microwave a ball of tinfoil because he saw it on YouTube.

they gonna learn somehow!!

which country is it?

Dolores87 · 02/08/2023 19:05

Personally I don't think it's ok to leave a 10 year old and a nine year old home alone for that long a time, especially if they are not responsible and haven't been taught what to do in an emergency. Also deciding the age its ok to leave the kids for that long should be a joint decision.

That said considering that he had the 2 seater and your DS was sick and your mum wasn't in to help I think it was an emergency situation and I understand why he left them and considering they were fine its probably made them feel grown up and trusted so no harm done. I think though you do need to teach your kids to be responsible considering youve said you leave them to go the shop so like really they should have been taught what to do when home alone as they are left sometimes.

Tbh i think really it should have been you leaving work and fetching your son as you didn't have 2 extra kids too young to be left for the required amount of time and a car they dont fit in. I think its unreasonable to expect him to be phoning around all these people you said could help.

I also think the fact you've made him sleep in the caravan boarding emotionally abusive.

AuntMarch · 02/08/2023 19:10

I would have expected him to call me back and tell me mum couldn't watch them, so we could decide together.

However, I'd also not have automatically assumed he could just leave work/your mum could babysit at such short notice. Why didn't you go, rather than be that entitled regarding grandma's time?

AuntMarch · 02/08/2023 19:12

GoodChat · 02/08/2023 18:28

So would you leave your sick child elsewhere?

Show quote history

It wasn't their kid that was sick, it was another child at the house he was going back to after camp

GoodChat · 02/08/2023 19:13

@AuntMarch yes you're right, but the son still needed collecting.

At least the girls were home. He was out alone.

FlyingMonkeyNever · 02/08/2023 19:17

Elaina87 · 02/08/2023 18:33

Oh for goodness sake, they're 9 and 10 not toddlers. They can entertain themselves while he works. But he is in next room in case of emergency.

Show quote history

Exactly! WFH with older kids present is not an issue.

@converseandjeans
It obviously depends on the child but it’s generally difficult to focus 100% on being productive when WFH whilst also caring for babies/pre-schoolers and most children up to the age of 5/6 years. 7yrs at a push (again depending on the child). This is not the case here, as these two kids are 9 and 10 and old enough to amuse themselves and make a sandwich.

Let’s not turn this thread into berating parents who WFH in the school holidays needing to be back in the office FT!
Most of us WFH with Junior aged children and up, can manage being productive when WFH. I am personally more productive when WFH compared to being in the office (quieter, less distractions and no office commute), even when my 8yo and 12yo are at home. I tend to work over my PT contracted hours when WFH and even more so during the school holidays (no school runs and ferrying kids around to less clubs).

BoohooWoohoo · 02/08/2023 19:19

With 3 kids plus a baby on a way your h needs to change his car as soon as possible (does a car seat fit in the 2 seater ?)

AuntMarch · 02/08/2023 19:20

I don't disagree that he needed collecting. Just think husband should have called OP back and she should have done it!
On the whole I'm actually with the husband here anyway, he did what he thought was best in that situation. Rather than have a conversation about it, and agree on a plan for if it should happen again, OP has banished him to a caraven because he didn't make the decision she would have. That's disgusting! I would never stay with someone who treated me like that if I dared think for myself!

saltinesandcoffeecups · 02/08/2023 19:34

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 02/08/2023 18:41

which country is it?

Show quote history

Not sure about the person you asked but I’m in the US and this true here (some states may have different laws that have restrictions)

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