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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH leaving children alone

247 replies

benandholly03 · 02/08/2023 00:25

DSS has been at football camp all day, 10am-4pm. I dropped him off at his friends before work, and the plan was to collect him on the way home from the same friends house.

DH has been working at home all day, looking after my 10 year old DD and 9 year old DSD. Neither girl have the common sense of what to do in an emergency which i admit is probably partially our fault.

DSSs friends mum rang me around 2pm to say her other son was ill and didnt think DS should come back round in case he caught the bug and passed it all on to us, especially with me being pregnant.

I rang DH, explained he would need to go to my mums and ask her to sit with the girls while he collected DSS. He went and knocked on, and instead of trying the other million people we can ask to babysit especially for a short period, he left the girls home alone. Everything is fine and they just sat and watched a film.

I came home early and walked in to find them home alone. This was at 4.45 and DH left at 3.30.

AIBU to think they are too young to be left for that length of period? I occasionally nip to the shop (2 min walk) and leave them playing which i feel bad enough about but this has taken the biscuit for me and hes sleeping in the caravan tonight

OP posts:
FlyingMonkeyNever · 02/08/2023 14:08

Startrekkeruniverse · 02/08/2023 13:51

If OP was a man who was making his wife sleep outside as a punishment people would be much harsher in their responses.

I agree. This is abusive behaviour.

Thelnebriati · 02/08/2023 14:08

I'm going to be harsh; this all sounds dysfunctional. You haven't taught your daughters basic skills because you don't seem to be able to use them yourself.
You took the family car. You haven't taught your daughters how to use a phone, or who to call in an emergency, or what is an emergency, or how to act when they are left alone.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 02/08/2023 14:16

I also think you need to rethink the midlife crisis car your DH drives. You can't just rely on other people to step in because DH doesn't have the right car to transport his family, that's a bit unfair on others.

Kicking him out of his home for solving the problem with picking one child up in, realistically, the only way he could without putting others out is not something he should be sent to sleep in the caravan for. That's worse than leaving the 2 dc home alone.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/08/2023 14:30

I’d dump my partner if they tried to make me sleep in a Caraven

AudentesFortunaIuvat · 02/08/2023 14:35

sweatynoob · 02/08/2023 01:02

My 9 and 10 year olds walk to school at that age as they were entering Yesr 5 and 6 so were used to being alone. I think you need to cut the apron strings a little to prepare them for the real world.

Absolutely this. Jesus Christ, some people really don’t live in the real world. You are literally doing your children harm by not preparing them for independence and real life. And at the same time, doing your marriage harm by penalising the clearly more pragmatic, common sensical parent for an act which will actually have benefitted the children. Sounds like a serious family meeting is long overdue.

M103 · 02/08/2023 14:40

Banishing him to the caravan??!! You are over reacting. He didn't have that many options, and 9 and 10 is not that young. He was left to care for all children while working, seems like he did his best.

Ladylulabelle · 02/08/2023 14:41

I think you lose the argument as you took the family car. This left him with no options 🤷‍♀️

towriteyoumustlive · 02/08/2023 14:45

At 9 and 10 they are old enough to be left on their own for an hour. If they don't know what to do in an emergency then it's about time to make sure they do know. Kids should be taught from as young as possible what to do if there's a fire, escape route etc...

I leave my 12 year old looking after his 7 year old sister for an hour, but take the other 7 year old with me as he is autistic and can be hard work.

jannier · 02/08/2023 14:58

Why don't you use childcare not possible to be caring for children and working that's just bring there in an emergency and throwing food at them.
How would you expect him to get a sick child to hospital if something happened and he's got the smaller car?

SuzeBr · 02/08/2023 15:08

I think he did the best he could in the situation and totally unreasonable for him to work from home and do the childcare as well, you need to rethink the childcare situation

MumblesParty · 02/08/2023 15:18

Not the point of the thread but I can't help wondering what job he does that he can look after 2 apparently incapable kids all day, and go out at the drop of a hat. Probably customer services for Ryanair, given how incompetent they are!!

shockthemonkey · 02/08/2023 15:24

I wouldn't have allowed this, however...

Are you really saying that you have banished your DH to the caravan for the night, like a naughty... dog or something?*

  • Not sure what the most apt simile would be - note that my dog would never be banished for misbehaving...

I think in your situation I would have made my objections clear and would have gone about agreeing, with DH, in what circumstances and for what length of time any of the DCs could be left. Cover all permutations and combinations, such as youngest with oldest, two oldest, two youngest etc.

Tracker1234 · 02/08/2023 15:27

Yep. This does divide people. Why dont they know what to do in an emergency. I would teach them asap which is something which will hopefully make you feel much better.

With regard to a partner having a 2 seater car.... its nonsense tbh but men and that cars is completely confusing to me.

mrsm43s · 02/08/2023 15:27

This is a judgement call and the person doing the parenting at the time makes the decisions. He felt it was alright to leave them, and that was his call to make as he was in charge. You might have made a different decision, and if you were the one in charge on that day, then that would have been your decision to make.

The most ridiculous thing here is that you haven't taught 9 & 10 year olds basic safety skills. And obviously, the family car should always stay with the family!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/08/2023 15:27

I can work from home with my ds9 here in an emergency but HATE doing it as he’ll just watch tv all day. And I feel you can never properly settle to work when there’s a primary (give or take) aged child about.

Paddleboarder · 02/08/2023 15:28

Sleeping in the caravan?? That’s very OTT, all you need to do is talk about it and decide what the best plan is if it happens again.

It’s not that bad and hardly the end of the world. Did they have a phone to call one of you on if there was an emergency? That would have been the most important thing for me.

GraysPapaya · 02/08/2023 15:34

An 11 year old is expected to walk to school on their own, I think a 10 year old needs to learn how to be in their house on their own otherwise come 11 it’s going to be a huge shock!

MinimalistMe · 02/08/2023 15:36

Your husband is sleeping on the caravan tonight?? That's the biggest problem here.

stichguru · 02/08/2023 15:45

I wouldn't leave kids of that long home alone, no. But to be honest, your family have bigger problems. a) Like you make your husband sleep in the caravan because he doesn't agree with you - that's the kind of punishment a toddler would suggest for an annoying sibling, not what an adult would suggest for another adult who they are trying to parent with! b) You have an adult with the kids who doesn't have a car that he can put all the kids in, and an adult with no kids who had the family car? This shows that neither you nor your husband has the capacity to plan properly for your family. If your husband had left the kids home alone for 5 hours when he'd saved one of their life by rushing them to A+E with a life threatening illness or injury, would you have been moaning that he didn't let the kid die while finding someone to babysit, or grateful that the sick kid was ok? Because he'd be in the position of not being able to take the kids with him, because of your poor planning.

Lucyh999 · 02/08/2023 15:59

Too young in my
opinion. But what is more concerning is that you didn’t know your children were left alone. Why did he not communicate with you? I’d be pissed off. Caravan a bit childish though, come on, you can’t expect your children to grow up knowing what to do if you throw the toys out of the pram…

UsingChangeofName · 02/08/2023 16:00

I agree with most.
That length of time and those ages would be fine with me, but equally, I don't think you would be unreasonable to make a different judgement call, depending on the dc.

However kicking him out of your home for making a different judgment call from the one you would have made ? Hmm YABVVVVVU about that.

BoohooWoohoo · 02/08/2023 16:02

I would go from 15 minutes of being left alone to 1 hr 30 mins of being left alone. Did the girls have a mobile that they could call their dad from?

I think that it's important that you start teaching the girls to be more independent. Talk through scenarios like what to do if someone knocks, how to use a mobile to call a parent, get a key safe with a front door key inside just in case etc

Making your h sleep outside is a ridiculous reaction. Did he forget who else was on the babysitting list?

You and him need a new rule about what happens when he works from home during the school holidays. You should drive the 2 seater to work because he could need to go to A&E or run another errand which needs a 4 seater car. Maybe he needs to consider changing his car to a 4 seater if you don't like his 2 seater.

Bunnycat101 · 02/08/2023 16:10

I think you are being very unreasonable on the basis of:

  1. you took the family car leaving the person nominally in charge of 3 children with a 2-seater car.
  2. your behaviour in chucking out your husband to the caravan sounds abusive.
  3. At 9/10 they need to start gaining independence as could soon be having to manage secondary school transport, more responsibility etc. Gradually giving children more space seems reasonable and a few hours at their age is sensible.
  4. It would take you minutes to teach children of your age who to ask for help in an emergency, how to call 999 etc. They teach children this in nursery.
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/08/2023 16:15

Bunnycat101 · 02/08/2023 16:10

I think you are being very unreasonable on the basis of:

  1. you took the family car leaving the person nominally in charge of 3 children with a 2-seater car.
  2. your behaviour in chucking out your husband to the caravan sounds abusive.
  3. At 9/10 they need to start gaining independence as could soon be having to manage secondary school transport, more responsibility etc. Gradually giving children more space seems reasonable and a few hours at their age is sensible.
  4. It would take you minutes to teach children of your age who to ask for help in an emergency, how to call 999 etc. They teach children this in nursery.

This.

CollagenQueen · 02/08/2023 16:39

Don't they ever play out? If they do, are you always watching them?

I would imagine they could come to far more harm outside, than sitting on the sofa.

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