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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH leaving children alone

247 replies

benandholly03 · 02/08/2023 00:25

DSS has been at football camp all day, 10am-4pm. I dropped him off at his friends before work, and the plan was to collect him on the way home from the same friends house.

DH has been working at home all day, looking after my 10 year old DD and 9 year old DSD. Neither girl have the common sense of what to do in an emergency which i admit is probably partially our fault.

DSSs friends mum rang me around 2pm to say her other son was ill and didnt think DS should come back round in case he caught the bug and passed it all on to us, especially with me being pregnant.

I rang DH, explained he would need to go to my mums and ask her to sit with the girls while he collected DSS. He went and knocked on, and instead of trying the other million people we can ask to babysit especially for a short period, he left the girls home alone. Everything is fine and they just sat and watched a film.

I came home early and walked in to find them home alone. This was at 4.45 and DH left at 3.30.

AIBU to think they are too young to be left for that length of period? I occasionally nip to the shop (2 min walk) and leave them playing which i feel bad enough about but this has taken the biscuit for me and hes sleeping in the caravan tonight

OP posts:
GoodChat · 02/08/2023 06:35

I don't think he really had much choice if DSS was ill, he couldn't get hold of your DM and you had the only car suitable to fit everyone in.

If he'd have called you and said he needed your help, would you have left work?

I can't believe you made him sleep in a caravan. That's awful.

BoobyDazzler · 02/08/2023 06:43

I see no problem with leaving a 9 and 10 year old on their own for an hour in their own home as long as they knew what not to do and what to do in an emergency.

PuttingDownRoots · 02/08/2023 06:47

Its not ideal but... it was an emergency. He took the most logical course of action.
Make sure they are equipped for similar situations going forward.

FWIW... weve been preparing my 10yo for the last few months for staying at home with her sister (12yo) for 2.5hrs once a week from September while I'm at work. We know she will be fine as we've been building up to it... as was her sister at a similar age. Trust is good for them.

millymollymoomoo · 02/08/2023 06:49

YABVU

why do you get to decide what’s appropriate? It’s fine in this scenario you describe to leave them at home in front of tv for that time

Artesia · 02/08/2023 06:54

What would you have done in that scenario OP? If there was no one to watch them and you had to collect DS?

Practicallyperfect101 · 02/08/2023 07:08

Why didn’t he bring them with him in the car?

parrotonthesofa · 02/08/2023 07:11

I think it's ok and that your reaction is v OTT.
I would occasionally leave my dd and a friend for 15 to 30 min if f I had to at this age, this is not much longer and he did try to ask your mum.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/08/2023 07:12

Yabu.

They are definitely old enough to stay home alone; and if they're not, then that's the problem that needs rectifying, not your husband.

Also, he made a different parenting decision to you - he's allowed to.

Monster80 · 02/08/2023 07:19

Sounds like a safety protocols session is needed asap. Maybe H could have knocked on the neighbours door to say could they be around in case of emergency, but if he was only 20 minutes away that’s pretty close by?

Tontostitis · 02/08/2023 07:25

Why dies he gave a 2 seater car when you have children? And over an hour is too long to leave them.

ResponsibleWalrus · 02/08/2023 07:43

I think it's a bit of an overreaction. I used to take the bus to and from school at that age and was home alone for about an hour and a half until my parents got back from work. It was the same from year 5 until I left school in year 11. I never had an emergency in all those years. If I did, I assume I would have called 999 or knocked on a neighbour's door for help but I don't remember my parents having to tell me that.

GoodChat · 02/08/2023 07:57

Practicallyperfect101 · 02/08/2023 07:08

Why didn’t he bring them with him in the car?

OP said he's got a two seater

dottiedodah · 02/08/2023 08:10

Sometimes things crop up .this was one of them .I think making him sleep outside seems a bit harsh though! Leave family car at home next time and maybe run through some tel numbers of people they could phone maybe in an emergency. ⁹

Amberjane41 · 02/08/2023 11:15

Why didn’t he just hook the caravan up to his two seater car?! Problem solved! They could have all gone for a nice little jolly then 🤣

Frabbits · 02/08/2023 11:23

9/10 I think, depending upon maturity, is getting to the age where kids can look after themselves. I know at that age I was walking home from school by myself and letting myself in to watch tv for an hour or so alone.

However....

"Neither girl have the common sense of what to do in an emergency which i admit is probably partially our fault."

Yes, it is. Even if there is an adult around you should be teaching your kids what to do if they need help from the emergency services/ knowing which neighbours they can ask for help or knowing who to phone.

Loz2323 · 02/08/2023 11:25

At that age they are plenty old enough to be left on their own, make sure they know what to do in an emergency and thats it. Blimey not that long ago kids of that age and probably younger were working and some were looking after younger siblings while their parents worked. Think we need to stop wrapping our kids up in cotton wool and promote self reliance, self confidence and independance.

VainAbigail · 02/08/2023 11:27

MakeMeShine · 02/08/2023 06:31

That length of time is too long, yes. But seriously, he’s “sleeping in the caravan”?

If you have the hump then you should be the one to leave and find somewhere else to sleep. You’re not his mother, you don’t get to banish him from his own bed because you don’t like what he’s done.

Agree with this reply totally.

I would happily leave my 8y/o and 10y/o together for that period. I think you’re completely overreacting.

pikkumyy77 · 02/08/2023 11:29

Punishing him—even more f you think its a lapse of judgment—is absolutely awful behavior on your part. Completely inappropriate.

throwa · 02/08/2023 11:31

My 10 year old DD will be expected to get herself to and from secondary school in September (ok she'll be 11 plus 5 days old at this point, very late August birthday) which involves buses and walking for 45mins, plus on certain days to the sports centre for her club after school, all by herself. For the last year she has been walking to and from school by herself, (15mins) to the point that in the last term, some of her friends who were always driven to school, were being dropped off at ours in the mornings specifically to get them used to the concept of getting to school by themselves on time. I have no issues whatsoever with leaving her alone for an hour or so and frequently do (rural area here, going to the shops for a pint of milk is 30mins out of the house).

But - we have planned for this - we knew all of this was coming up. She knows what to do in the event of a b or c happening, plus for the last few months she has had a mobile which she can and does use to text / call if she has a question. And she's sensible - not one to try burning the house down, the most that would happen is too much screen time or popcorn.

I think you're overreacting and making husband sleep in the caravan is ridiculous. This sort of things is really easy to foresee happening - plus what will happen when your 10 yo gets to secondary next year - will she be expected to get there by herself or will you be taking her? You need to start prepping her for this sort of thing now so she's completely confident of what to do should a / b / c happen.

FrenchandSaunders · 02/08/2023 11:32

What type of emergency do you think could happen in that timescale .... obv fire, intruder, flood etc COULD happen but its extremely unlikely.

The 10 year old will presumably be going to secondary school in a year's time ... she should be able to be left alone and travel alone building up to that.

Mine were walking home from school at 9/10.

Cognitivedisonance · 02/08/2023 11:32

I was left in charge of babies when I was younger than this . I’m old though and people were different then.
the way I see it, at 9 and 10 they should have had some training by now on how to prevent accidents and dramas at home. The chances of anything happening are minuscule. They should have access to a phone with some emergency numbers on it, have it drilled into them not to use the kitchen or cook and if they smell gas or smoke to immediately go out the front door and so on. Then it won’t be an issue if this happens again.

RonObvious · 02/08/2023 11:36

millymollymoomoo · 02/08/2023 06:49

YABVU

why do you get to decide what’s appropriate? It’s fine in this scenario you describe to leave them at home in front of tv for that time

This. Both parents are allowed to make decisions about their children's welfare. If you have a difference of opinion, then there should be a discussion and maybe compromise, but making him sleep in the caravan due to a difference of parenting style is ridiculous.

GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 02/08/2023 11:36

There are several things here many of which have already been mentioned but I agree entirely with.

A two seater car when you have kids is ridiculous, he needs to look at getting a more suitable car.

The person not in charge of the kids taking the car with the most seats also seems illogical. Had he had a bigger car he could have just taken the girls along.

He tried to get a sitter first but couldn’t, his options were to leave the girls or not to turn up to collect his son it was a no win situation, as a one off emergency he did what he had to, they were watching a film and they are ok, it maybe wasn’t ideal but I think you are being a tad harsh in the circumstances.

Whether or not they are ok to be left as a general rule would depend entirely on how sensible they are and whether they can be trusted. My son was taking himself to and from school and letting himself in and home alone for an hour until I got back from work at age 10.

OakElmAsh · 02/08/2023 11:37

You can argue both sides of this - my kids of that age would be ok for that long on their own, and have a way of contacting us if they need anything - but maybe not all kids are, i can accept that.

However your DH made a judgement call, that you disagree with. It had no bad results, no one was hurt, all was fine. This warrants a level headed conversaiton to come up with a comprimise for future that you both agree is reasonable. it does not warrant a bollocking & him being sent to sleep in the caravan - he's not a child that you can punish!!!

Milkand2sugarsplease · 02/08/2023 11:39

I think a 9&10yo SHOULD be able to be left but that's different to whether your 2 ARE able to be left. perhaps it's time to teach them what to do in an emergency.

Although if the 9yo is a wild/immature for 9 child, it might be unfair to leave the 10yo with her at the beginning.

DS is 10 and he regularly prefers to be left while we take the 2yo out somewhere or nip to the shop. He rides to school on his bike and will go out with friends by himself.

I think it's important for them to learn how to be independent over time. I've taught teenagers that can't be trusted to be left alone in the house because they've never been taught responsibility.

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