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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH leaving children alone

247 replies

benandholly03 · 02/08/2023 00:25

DSS has been at football camp all day, 10am-4pm. I dropped him off at his friends before work, and the plan was to collect him on the way home from the same friends house.

DH has been working at home all day, looking after my 10 year old DD and 9 year old DSD. Neither girl have the common sense of what to do in an emergency which i admit is probably partially our fault.

DSSs friends mum rang me around 2pm to say her other son was ill and didnt think DS should come back round in case he caught the bug and passed it all on to us, especially with me being pregnant.

I rang DH, explained he would need to go to my mums and ask her to sit with the girls while he collected DSS. He went and knocked on, and instead of trying the other million people we can ask to babysit especially for a short period, he left the girls home alone. Everything is fine and they just sat and watched a film.

I came home early and walked in to find them home alone. This was at 4.45 and DH left at 3.30.

AIBU to think they are too young to be left for that length of period? I occasionally nip to the shop (2 min walk) and leave them playing which i feel bad enough about but this has taken the biscuit for me and hes sleeping in the caravan tonight

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 02/08/2023 11:46

What exactly do they need to know? How sensible do you have to be? Pretty basic dont answer the door and dont use the cooker. If there is a fire leave the building.

I would be wary if they were known to be unkind to each other or physically fight but as that hasnt been mentioned i assume it wasnt an issue.

Loloj · 02/08/2023 11:47

As a general rule I’d say this is too long to leave a 9 and 10 year old alone. I would leave my son (almost 10) for maybe 20 mins max whilst I nip to get some milk - it’s that borderline age though which probably depends on the maturity of the child. So I’d say YANBU to disagree with your husband. However YABU to make him sleep in the caravan - that’s a huge overreaction. Hopefully you ca sit down and discuss the issue and come to an agreement about what to do in this or a similar situation should it arise again in the future.

Bobbybobbins · 02/08/2023 11:49

I think it's ok at that age.

Hayliebells · 02/08/2023 11:52

Is there some kind of back story where you disagreed with your DH about buying/keeping a ridiculous two seater car, so you take the family car to work to work to make a point, and this is the crux of the disagreement? If you're both 💯 on board with the ridiculous two seater car, I don't understand why you took the car to work? The situation is partly your fault, so I'm not sure why you got the hump with him so much that he's banished to the caravan.

MillWood85 · 02/08/2023 11:54

Isn't the issue that he has a 2 seater car and a small army of children? You both need to able to transport kids in an emergency.

Jessbow · 02/08/2023 11:56

The whole event /series of events/non events took up just over an hour.......

perhaps the footballer should have just waited where he was until you collected him on your way home.

Quartz2208 · 02/08/2023 11:58

GoodChat · 02/08/2023 06:35

I don't think he really had much choice if DSS was ill, he couldn't get hold of your DM and you had the only car suitable to fit everyone in.

If he'd have called you and said he needed your help, would you have left work?

I can't believe you made him sleep in a caravan. That's awful.

This what other choice did he have given the variables he had.

if You wanted something different couldn’t you have sorted it after all you were both at work.

10 year old DS has been left for similar reasons it’s fine. You left him in charge of sorting it, he may not have made the choice you would but he needed to collect his son.

punishing him for making a reasonable decision is wrong, it may not be the decision you would have made but you passed responsibility onto him

pinkyredrose · 02/08/2023 12:10

Why don't they know what to do in an emergency?

Zanatdy · 02/08/2023 12:13

I think it’s ok, I mean by 11 mine were latch key kids

Hadjab · 02/08/2023 12:15

Tontostitis · 02/08/2023 07:25

Why dies he gave a 2 seater car when you have children? And over an hour is too long to leave them.

Why shouldn't he have a two seater car when they also have a four seater? The issue here is that OP took the family car, leaving him with more kids than he could seat in his car, therefore he had to leave two at home to pick up the other one. If OP was due to pick up the one child, then she should have taken the two seater, not the four seater. Poor organisation on both of their parts.

HeidioftheAlps · 02/08/2023 12:17

I think it's OK. Many 10 year olds get themselves to school on their own so should be fine indoors for a bit. Banishing him to the caravan is a bit much.

Natsku · 02/08/2023 12:17

Children of that age should be fine for a few hours, and you should have started teaching them what to do in an emergency long before this.

In future would be better for whoever is at home with the children to have the bigger car if you're not comfortable with the possibility of the children being left alone as any kind of emergency could come up, like if one of the children took ill and needed taking to the hospital, the other wouldn't fit in the car.

YourCrackersMiLord · 02/08/2023 12:22

So a 10 year old and a 9 year old were left alone for 1hr 15mins with the permission of their father and nothing happened, except now your DH has to sleep in the caravan?

Hmm.

For me you are way off here.

  1. I actually don't think it's too long for sensible children of that age to be left
  2. Even if you do, it is just a difference of opinion between you and your DH, not a moral failing on his part
  3. It warrants a decent conversation so you can both agree on what you are comfortable with - not an argument or judgement
  4. No one should be making someone else sleep in the caravan as punishment for doing what they thought was best
ShouldIStaySelfIsolated · 02/08/2023 12:23

Hadjab · 02/08/2023 12:15

Why shouldn't he have a two seater car when they also have a four seater? The issue here is that OP took the family car, leaving him with more kids than he could seat in his car, therefore he had to leave two at home to pick up the other one. If OP was due to pick up the one child, then she should have taken the two seater, not the four seater. Poor organisation on both of their parts.

Show quote history

Why should he have a 2 seater?

Because they have 3 kids with a 4th on the way and this kind of emergency scenario could happen at any time. It makes zero sense for either parent to just have a 2 seater 🙄

Dozycuntlaters · 02/08/2023 12:23

Is your DH sleeping in the caravan through choice or have you actually told him he has to sleep out there. If the latter then your DH seriously needs to grow some balls. He's not your child you know, you can't banish him, he's supposed to be your partner, your equal. If my partner told me to sleep elsewhere because i did something that wasn't the way he would do it, i would sleep elsewhere forever.

Massive over reaction on your part. Your issue is why a 10 year old has no common sense and wouldnt know what to do in an emergency.

YourCrackersMiLord · 02/08/2023 12:25

Oh and yes (5.) whoever is with the children needs the bigger car!

Luxell934 · 02/08/2023 12:25

I don't see the problem, it was a one off emergency situation.

Your husband was working from home, you were working outside the home.
He has a two seater car, you I assume have a bigger car.

You rung him and told him he had to pick up his son. If your mother or mother in law was unable to babysit at short notice then what other choice did your husband have? Would you have preferred him to call you back and tell you he couldn't pick up the son so you needed to pick up the son? Is that what you are annoyed about?

Luxell934 · 02/08/2023 12:26

Do you really have a "million other people" willing to drop everything and babysit at the last minute? If you do then lucky you!

WisherWood · 02/08/2023 12:27

I wouldn't get the hump with my DP for something like this. I'd sit down and agree that in future, the family car stays with the family i.e. the majority of the children and whoever's in charge of them at that point. You might not have foreseen this specific problem, but it's obvious something might happen that requires them all to be taken somewhere.

I'd also agree to start taking the girls through what to do in an emergency in the absence of an adult - or even with an adult who's having problems. I wouldn't use this as a chance to punish my partner. I'd just sit down and say 'OK , we got away with it this time but I'm not happy with this. What can we do in future to stop things like this happening again?'

Splat92 · 02/08/2023 12:28

I think it's not unreasonable to either think they are old enough to be left alone or that they aren't old enough to be left alone. What is unreasonable is for you to banish him to the caravan for having a different opinion to you.

wannabetraveler · 02/08/2023 12:29

DragonDoor · 02/08/2023 00:57

In all honesty, I think you sound quite controlling… is it common for you to make your husband sleep outside when you have a difference in opinion about parenting??

What I don’t understand in this scenario is why the trip took 1hr 15 minutes, or why you told him to get someone to look after the girls. 3 children can fit in the backseat of a car.

You say you have left your children before, albeit for a much shorter length of time.Why don’t you get a babysitter when you pop out? Why is it ok for you to do that and not him?

I agree with the controlling piece. You're making him sleep in the caravan? Talk about an overreaction! A 10-year old and 9-year-old should be able to be alone for an hour or so.

HackettGreen · 02/08/2023 12:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

Callyem · 02/08/2023 12:39

How long SHOULD it have taken and why did it take longer than you had expected?

Katiesaidthat · 02/08/2023 12:41

Get a proper family car for both. A 2 seater is ridiculous, and I say that as a mother of 1. 9&10 is ok. I would not leave them more than that though. But they do have to start learning responsibility and who to turn to in an emergency.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 02/08/2023 12:41

whilst maybe not an ideal length of time I think it’s fine leaving them in an emergency situation. Presumably the 10 year old will be in high school in a year in which case I would expect them to be able to spears 3-4 hours home alone after school.
you need a new car though, a 2 seater with children is ridiculous.